glamguru

So my husband hates when I post about social issues on social media and calls it “embarrassing”. I don’t do it often but I consider myself a very passionate person when it comes to certain human rights issues, so much so that I was known to be outspoken my whole life. I rarely post anymore like I used too, but when I do it’s a few times a year now (like twice a year really). Last night I watched a video on TikTok that was triggering because it was stereotypes about my culture (different than my husbands). I posted about it essentially saying that these stereotypes are harmful etc. He got angry and said it’s embarrassing for his wife to be a “social media warrior” and asked what I change from doing this. I told him that my post opened up a discussion amongst my friends where a lot of them were able to resonate and share their experiences as well. I don’t want to feel silenced because he’s “embarrassed”. This is who I am, I’ve always been outspoken. Oh! And he also posts on his social media when it comes to issues he cares about (the irony). He doesn’t vent in the way I do but I just feel this is unfair.

We kind of do this! He naps from 7-10 and stays awake until 5 ish and wakes again at 8. Still not enough sleep for him but I will suggest this. Thanks!

I didn’t consider this but when I asked him he said the snoring only started about 2-3 months ago and he’s been gaming for years. Maybe it’s encouraging him to sleep later though. Thanks for sharing

Yes, I agree. I booked an appointment for my sleep issues and overall I take care of my health and I follow up on things. My husband is in denial that he has a gaming addiction so there’s that…

I’ll have to look into this! Thanks!

Good point I might have to sleep separately once we move

I agree with you about a possible gaming addiction. We live in a small apartment but I also don’t want to be that couple that sleeps in separate beds.

I have sleep apnea, hyper mobility and a variety of other conditions that make it hard for me to get restful sleep as it is. Having a good nights rest is important to me so I do what I can to have a good night routine, sleep early etc. My husband games until 4-5 am and decides to try and sleep then, although he has to wake up at 8 for work. By 5 am, I’m in deep sleep and I’m snoring. This is the second night I woke up to him shaking me because I was snoring. My arm is actually sore because he was pressing so hard into it with his fingers to wake me and stop me from snoring. His justification is that he has to wake up at 8 but I’m self employed so I can “wake up whenever”, which isn’t true. I like to wake up earlier to get things done. Anyways, it’s 6 am now and I’m wide awake, upset and feel as though he is being selfish just because HE is the one deciding to sleep at that time and my snoring is out of my control. Am I justified in being this upset?

Sounds like a lot of adjustments! I would say your feelings are totally valid. Sometimes we try to "fix" the problem by over exerting ourselves and trying to make things happen when all we need is acknowledgement and validation of our feelings first...and then solutions come after. So give yourself time to be disappointed! And surround yourself with people who validate your feelings as well.

Hey! Yeah so it's been like 8 months since my post and I wanted to respond to this as well as give an update. The issue completely resolved itself about 2-3 months after I posted this. I really do think it was a self-esteem issue and since i've started to give positive reinforcement and our relationship has strengthened in many ways, I think he started believing in himself more which resulted in him caring for himself more. He now cares about his hairstyles and outfit choices, which is nice to see. I always give him positive reinforcement, which is encouraging him to care more. Appreciate all your inputs!

Okay so...it's a lot of information but I want to give you guys a very objective run down of the situation. So this is my younger sister who I consider my soul mate in many ways. She was my best friend growing up and we got along so well, that other people were often jealous of our bond that I consider healthy (other than typical sibling arguments). She's in a dark period in her life right now, battling mental health and very low self-esteem. I have been supporting her-or trying my best too! Some more background info...our parents are narcissists and I was the scapegoat child mostly in the eyes of my step-father (my sister's biological father) and my sister was the scapegoat in the eyes of my mom who saw her as competition for my step-father's love (toxic, I know). I was my mom's golden child and my sister was my dad's. This never affected our relationship, we cried & laughed about it and supported each other...always. Now brings us to the present moment...my sister and I went on a road trip with a mutual friend we recently met (our first time sharing a friend) and this friend is very outgoing, so her and I hit it off. My sister is more introverted. We tried our best to include her in the conversation but my sister had an attitude from the first day of the trip. I brushed it off. The next day, she lashed out on me for missing her call (my phone was in my pocket for TWO minutes) and she said "you're not my ***ing sister" and stormed off. The rest of the trip was awkward because I was deeply hurt for her random outburst. We drove home in silence and that was that. I didn't hear from her in a week and I of course was expecting an apology (keep in mind, I paid for this trip, was the one who invited her in the first place...drove...etc.- all so I can spend time with her and give her a good time). So I felt owed an apology for her lashing out on me just because I missed her call. Turns out she was telling my parents ( I don't live with them) a completely different story. She said that I am an insecure person who tried to make her look bad in front of our mutual friend and we left her out. This is deeply hurtful because the opposite is true. We tried to include her and I'm not the type of person to make someone look bad to make myself look better...especially my sister? Like why would I do that? I asked her to give me examples because I'm genuinely open in listening to where I could have gone wrong so I can correct it but she didn't give any. She also accused me of lying that she said I wasn't her ***ing sister, when she really did say that...verbatim. We ended up talking and she gaslit the crap out of me that what really happened-didn't happen and called me names and attacked my character. Basically said I had bad intentions towards her and thought negatively towards her when i've always been a warm mother figure and she would attest to that every other time. I know how I feel about her so being accused of this is very hurtful. Especially because our dad would lash out on me and call me jealous of her when I know my heart and I know that I never was. After that I basically texted her "don't contact me again". Her birthday was two days after (the big 20) and I didn't reach out. I'm torn because I love my sister a lot, but I also feel so deeply hurt and disrespected. It didn't feel right to ignore what happened and wish her a happy birthday. I felt like that would be disrespecting myself. Am I being too prideful? Do I have a right in setting this boundary or did I go too far in cutting her off completely? Being falsely accused and having my character attacked is a big trigger of mine (from dad) so i'm aware that emotions are running high, especially because I didn't expect this from the person I trusted the most.

Thanks for commenting. I think it’s fair to not resent him. I try and reframe it by seeing him as struggling instead of rebelling.

He was always like that. Heard stories from family members...

A bit of both. There are times when he approaches me and it’s been 24+ hours since his last shower and teeth brushing (never more than 48) and well that’s a no... whether morning or night. But yeah I am hypersensitive and that’s something I had to come to conclusion with after reflecting. I can notice even faint scents. I can smell peoples natural body scents even if they’re not offensive or loud. I told him that because of this, it would help if he sprinzes some cologne in the AM (on the nightstand). So in short, showering everyday just once , brushing twice a day and a bit of cologne in the am is all I ask for. He still can’t do that...

I needed this, thank you. The last thing I want to do is nag him like a mom would do. Our relationship is otherwise really strong. I have to practice positive reinforcement but it’s hard because I find myself being like my critical mother, which I know sets him back even more because his mom was critical too. Thanks for commenting!

Thanks for commenting. To answer your questions... we weren’t able to sleep together or even see each other everyday prior to marriage so we just “dated” like going on dates where we obviously presented our best selves. He was neglected as a kid and his mom is super dirty... I visited their house before we married and was able to see the red flags there. He developed bad habits from his upbringing... he is honestly an amazing man. He’s generous, kind, intelligent and I am really in love with him. I care about him a lot... I want to help him heal from the wounds that caused him his current patterns but I don’t know how to help.

It’s both lol. Sorry for my late response I was locked out of my account! But anyway, the night time is perfect, no issues there but only half the time as he doesn’t believe in showering every single day (only every other day). So the night of the day he showers are wins for me... the other nights not so much. The mornings are always bad because of morning breath. I think I am very hypersensitive to smells... because I almost throw up at the slightest stench. That could also be an issue...

Hi friends, so i've been struggling with my husband's hygiene ever since I met him 7 years ago. He thinks it's okay to not brush his teeth or shower in the morning and then tries to initiate intimacy, which I obviously shut down. I tell him why and either he gets annoyed and drags himself to the shower or just rolls over and falls asleep, leaving me unsatisfied. Thankfully, it's gotten a bit better so now he knows to brush his teeth without me nagging him, but he won't shower every morning. His argument is "well I just showered last night" (it would be the next afternoon) and I would smell a bit of B.O. I'm at the point where I don't know if what i'm asking for is unreasonable because I have to be fair...I sometimes don't shower in the morning but I brush my teeth, wipe my privates with wet wipes and water, put some nice perfume on, deodorant etc. If he did those things I would be cool! We've had fights about it, calm and gentle conversations and he still can't shake himself out of his pure laziness. He's in the shower now as we speak. We spent 30 minutes before hand going back and forth about how he needed to wash up first. I'm not even in the mood anymore...it's like I have to put up a fight every time. By now he knows what my expectations are but is still too lazy so he tries to test my limits every time just to see if he can get away with it and I just end up pushing him off.