Should I be more honest with my friend

[Alex39]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

Hey Alex! I want to just start off by saying that I understand this is an anonymous forum and you're just discussing whatever you like freely. There is nothing wrong with that and that's what this forum is actually for. I enjoy reading your posts and I know you're always up for good discussions. 

What I have noticed though is that while you really care about your friends, you seem very overly involved in their lives. I think it's important to differentiate between being a supportive friend and actually getting too involved or controlling in your friend's life. You also seem overly concerned or invested in how your friends live their lives or what choices they're making. You've got to remember that just because you're their friend doesn't always mean they need/want your opinions, your help, or for you to "rescue" them.

In this case, your friend has asked you to help her look for dresses, so you should keep it to that. To be honest your comment as to why your friend cares more what the bride thinks than you is bizarre. She cares more about the bride's opinion because it's HER wedding and she's the bride's guest. This is also her son's future wife so she's family. Personally I found that comment weird.

I don't think any of this situation has to do with you and you actually haven't been asked to give advice or opinions on the situation. You were only asked to give advice about dresses. So I would just say something like: "That's a shame coz you look lovely in that dress. Sorry if you don't end up wearing it". Don't give advice on whether your friend should or shouldn't wear it to the wedding because that's not up to you.

I don't really know why you wrote a long post about your friend's daughter-in-law, her eating habits, her behaviours, etc. Why do you care? And if she actually has an eating disorder, which likely it sounds like she does, that's actually not her fault that she can't eat the food. People with eating disorders will often pretend to eat the food because they actually hide the fact that they have an eating disorder. Or sometimes they just want to taste the food a little or they purge it later. I don't really see what her eating has to do with anything. Also it's not really your concern that your friend paid for the ice cream but the girl only took two bites. That's for your friend to worry about because it's her money.

I am overly involved. I sit day in and day out - alone. I'm very very lonely and bored, so any bit of anything that is remotely different or interesting I fixate on. I can't help it. I dont want to be this way. I just am. 

[Alex39]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

Hey Alex! I want to just start off by saying that I understand this is an anonymous forum and you're just discussing whatever you like freely. There is nothing wrong with that and that's what this forum is actually for. I enjoy reading your posts and I know you're always up for good discussions. 

What I have noticed though is that while you really care about your friends, you seem very overly involved in their lives. I think it's important to differentiate between being a supportive friend and actually getting too involved or controlling in your friend's life. You also seem overly concerned or invested in how your friends live their lives or what choices they're making. You've got to remember that just because you're their friend doesn't always mean they need/want your opinions, your help, or for you to "rescue" them.

In this case, your friend has asked you to help her look for dresses, so you should keep it to that. To be honest your comment as to why your friend cares more what the bride thinks than you is bizarre. She cares more about the bride's opinion because it's HER wedding and she's the bride's guest. This is also her son's future wife so she's family. Personally I found that comment weird.

I don't think any of this situation has to do with you and you actually haven't been asked to give advice or opinions on the situation. You were only asked to give advice about dresses. So I would just say something like: "That's a shame coz you look lovely in that dress. Sorry if you don't end up wearing it". Don't give advice on whether your friend should or shouldn't wear it to the wedding because that's not up to you.

I don't really know why you wrote a long post about your friend's daughter-in-law, her eating habits, her behaviours, etc. Why do you care? And if she actually has an eating disorder, which likely it sounds like she does, that's actually not her fault that she can't eat the food. People with eating disorders will often pretend to eat the food because they actually hide the fact that they have an eating disorder. Or sometimes they just want to taste the food a little or they purge it later. I don't really see what her eating has to do with anything. Also it's not really your concern that your friend paid for the ice cream but the girl only took two bites. That's for your friend to worry about because it's her money.

I hate that I am overly involved. It's hard. I don't have anyone to bounce my inner thoughts to. You guys are it. I appreciate this forum. I'm always alone. It's depressing. So I guess I talk here. 

[Batya33]

27 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I am overly involved. I sit day in and day out - alone. I'm very very lonely and bored, so any bit of anything that is remotely different or interesting I fixate on. I can't help it. I dont want to be this way. I just am. 

Of course you can help it.  You get to choose your reactions to being lonely and bored.  If you were at work and your boss said "if you stop overly fixating on who leaves what leftovers in the fridge and your plans for National Cereal Day in the office I'll take away all your trainings you don't like doing" would you find a way or would you say "oh it's just the way I am.  So should I get Lucky Charms or Special K???"

[boltnrun]

55 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I am overly involved. I sit day in and day out - alone. I'm very very lonely and bored, so any bit of anything that is remotely different or interesting I fixate on. I can't help it. I dont want to be this way. I just am. 

You've been given literally dozens of suggestions on how to combat your self enforced isolation. But you come up with excuses to reject each and every one. So you can help it, you just choose not to.

The way you're living works for you or you would do something about it. 

However, if you truly are tired of living vicariously through others and being lonely and depressed and are relying on an online forum for human interaction, why not try at least one of the suggestions you've been given? 

[Kwothe28]

To be fair to Alex, I think she did very good analysis of "Bridezilla to be". And that she doesnt have diabetes or any other ilness, but that she is a perfect representative of "Instagramification" of modern women. And somebody who enjoys to order most expensive stuff because its expensive, and because her girlfriends or some Instagram influencer do the same. And not because she wants to actually eat the stake. She wants to be treated like "The Queen". Because that is what she see on Instagram all the time. 

But again, that is not Alex business. Her fiance finds that cute and her future mother in law finds her sweet too. So, no matter how she is, they indulge her. And that is their thing and between them. So there is no need to say anything about it as it doesnt concern you.

As for "overly involved" there are many productive things you can do even by yourself and that would benefit you more. From just everyday stuff like chores to activities like reading the book or even going out for a walk. There is just no need to worry somebody else concerns, especially when they themselves dont see it as such.

[Tinydance]

3 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I think I was pretty on the money. I thought it rude to order the most expensive steak. She did. Then take two bites. Then her fiance confirmed that she does this every time they eat. He found it funny. It was very obvious she was passing it off as "oh babe you eat the rest" and he found it cute. But she did it every single place we went to.  4 times in two days. This was a year ago,so she was not pregnant. 

I was bringing up some of my own experiences with this woman. Because I don't think she's been very nice to my friend, or respectful, and the fact that no one else noticed she clearly had an eating disorder baffled me. My other friend on the trip also commented to me privately that she thought she had an eating disorder. Then after so long, my friends son started gaining a tad bit of weight, because he had been eating his food and hers. And the girl told him he needed to diet. I was like wow, she clearly has a thing with people being thin. He probably only gained 10 pounds, and what do you expect when he eats all your food too? I don't focus on what others eat. But this was very obvious. She cut two pieces of steak and left a whole steak that her fiance ate. She ate two bites of ice cream and a huge melted bowl sat there. It just was obvious and comments were made at the table about it, not by me. 

I understand you're just commenting about what this woman was doing and giving a description. The thing is though that in all those situations involving that woman, what she does actually has no effect on YOUR life. You actually basically don't know her. And also keep in mind that because you don't know her, you also don't really know why she's doing things or what she's truly like. Also who was paying for all the meals she was ordering? Her, her fiance or your friend? You mentioned your friend bought her an ice cream but you didn't say who was paying for the other meals. If she was paying for her own meals or her fiance, then that actually doesn't even affect even your friend, let alone you. And even if her fiance was paying, he's essentially her husband. Many couples pool their money together and her fiance paying is basically like her paying for her own meals because it's her money too.

Also if let's say you were coming from the perspective that she's wasting food, well she wasn't actually wasting it because her fiance finishes all her meals. So from am environmental and ethical perspective, she doesn't just throw out food. Or for example they killed the cow for steak, the cow wasn't just thrown in the garbage because her fiance ate it lol So just in regards to whether she was being rude, I don't really think so. Even the restaurant wouldn't have thought she was rude because her food would be eaten, just not by her. So as far as they're concerned someone ate the food, therefore they liked it.

Also OK so maybe she has an eating disorder. Why were you so concerned that nobody noticed? They probably do notice but they just can't do anything about it because it's the actual person that has to get help for their eating disorder. 

But regardless you have to remember that if someone chooses to shout someone else a meal, it's their money and they WANT to. It's not your money, therefore, not your worry or concern.

You also need to remember that even your friend, even if this girl was the Wicked Witch of the West, has no choice in it. Her son loves this woman and decided to marry her. That automatically makes this woman part of the family. So your friend has no choice but to accept and like (or pretend to like) this woman. Therefore she has to tolerate some of this woman's behaviours and her bridezilla attitude or whatever. But actually she might even actually like her and not only pretend. Because even the food thing doesn't even affect her if it's the woman herself or her husband buying the meals. 

[Tinydance]

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I am overly involved. I sit day in and day out - alone. I'm very very lonely and bored, so any bit of anything that is remotely different or interesting I fixate on. I can't help it. I dont want to be this way. I just am. 

You don't really seem like you're alone though. You mention quite a few friends or colleagues you interact with in your posts. You also mention your family, you have siblings, and family even has a dog. You have people in your life to spend time with. But I suggest you don't try to use these people's lives as some kind of soap opera entertainment to get involved in because you're bored.

[MissCanuck]

17 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I have a really close friend. We have grown closer over the years. We even went on a vacation together. She's like a mother figure to me.

My read? You feel very threatened that the future daughter-in-law is going to take your place in your friend's life. 

I'm reading a lot of fear and insecurity in your scrutiny of her. Not boredom. Fear and anxiety that your friend will prioritize this woman over you. 

[boltnrun]

27 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I'm reading a lot of fear and insecurity in your scrutiny of her. Not boredom. Fear and anxiety that your friend will prioritize this woman over you. 

As she should. This is her precious son's wife. I know if I ever had to choose who to prioritize in an important situation I would choose my kids' spouses over a friend, even a close one. That's family. 

I consider my son's spouse to be another one of my children. Not "like" one of them, but in all ways except blood. 

Alex, you said you've been in six weddings. You obviously have people in your life who view you as a valued and loved friend. So why the self imposed isolation? I still spent a lot of time with my single friends after I got married. We did shopping and lunch, films and happy hours. I even did a "girls trip" with my bestie for my 25th birthday, just the two of us. No reason to cut off good friends just because they're married. 

[Seraphim]

16 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

As she should. This is her precious son's wife. I know if I ever had to choose who to prioritize in an important situation I would choose my kids' spouses over a friend, even a close one. That's family. 

I consider my son's spouse to be another one of my children. Not "like" one of them, but in all ways except blood. 

Alex, you said you've been in six weddings. You obviously have people in your life who view you as a valued and loved friend. So why the self imposed isolation? I still spent a lot of time with my single friends after I got married. We did shopping and lunch, films and happy hours. I even did a "girls trip" with my bestie for my 25th birthday, just the two of us. No reason to cut off good friends just because they're married. 

Agreed family always comes before friends. 

[Cherylyn]

2 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Agreed family always comes before friends. 

Blood is thicker than water.

@Alex39You meant well by helping to choose a beautiful dress for your friend as the mother of the groom.  However, since I sit on both sides of the fence as a mother of sons and I'm a DIL, your friend should defer to her future DIL even though she or you may not agree with her choice of wedding colors and frumpy styles.  It's not your or your friend's call.  It's the bride's day. 

Question for you and your friend:  Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?  Always think of the bigger picture.  It's better to have a peaceful rapport than insist upon having it your or your friend's way. 

As for your friend's future DIL's eating habits, I can somewhat relate as I too am a very picky eater.  I don't eat much socially since most restaurant or take out food meets my low expectations.  I eat my restrictive healthier and delicious fare at home.  Whenever I socialize, I don't like to eat and if I do, it isn't much.  Occasionally, I too receive disapproving glances whenever I don't eat with gusto but I don't care.  It's my body and I'll either eat or won't eat based upon my preferences at the ti me.  I don't criticize what others eat so we all mind our own business. 

I want to have very loving and caring relationships with my future DIL (daughters-in-law).  I'll have to learn to pick my battles.  Hopefully, we'll have a harmonious relationship.  I may not agree with everything they do but for the sake of peace and easy access to my sons, I'll have to learn to acquiesce and become peaceful MIL. 

As for friends, they will not take priority over my sons and future DIL.  Friends and family are two separate categories.   Learn to know your place and boundaries.  

As a friend, give moral support but not unsolicited advice.  Practice discretion.  Know when and how to decline anything which shouldn't be your domain.

Whenever your friend's future DIL is involved,  let your friend figure out what to do, what to choose and determine how to navigate her relationships with her son and future DIL.  You have to remain on the sidelines and not interject your strong opinions.  It's your friend's life no matter the trajectory or what transpires.  I agree with others.  Give your friend and her relations a lot of space and stay in your lane with all due respect.  Don't be overly invested and involved.  Back off.

 

[catfeeder]

14 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I hate that I am overly involved. It's hard. I don't have anyone to bounce my inner thoughts to. You guys are it. I appreciate this forum. I'm always alone. It's depressing. So I guess I talk here. 

I'm really sorry to hear this, and my heart goes out to you, Alex. Do you think being overly involved and critical of the people around you could have anything to do with why you're alone?

Do you think you may have adversely impacted your own openness to forming new friendships by trying too hard to hold onto the wrong ones even while you resented them for not valuing you enough? 

You've often mentioned being in 6 weddings. Were your experiences with the first 5 nearly as contentious as the last one you wrote a lot about?

Given all the suggestions you've been given for expanding your social life beyond the people who've made you so unhappy, what do you believe you CAN do to take some steps toward a future that's less isolated?

 

[Jaunty]

15 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I think I was pretty on the money. I thought it rude to order the most expensive steak. She did. Then take two bites. Then her fiance confirmed that she does this every time they eat. He found it funny. It was very obvious she was passing it off as "oh babe you eat the rest" and he found it cute. But she did it every single place we went to.  4 times in two days. This was a year ago,so she was not pregnant. 

 

Alex - can you recognize that it's really weird to be recounting the eating behaviors you witnessed someone practicing a year ago?  I didn't catch that the first time I read it.  And it was already concerning.   

Please please try to stop this.  You probably could use some help with it - it seems like right now you're kind of spinning out with your intense preoccupation with all the wrong things that many people, both close and remote to you, are doing all the time. 

This is no way to be spending your life or your mind.  It's a lot of negative, cluttering noise that serves absolutely no purpose for you besides to bring you down.

[Alex39]

10 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Alex - can you recognize that it's really weird to be recounting the eating behaviors you witnessed someone practicing a year ago?  I didn't catch that the first time I read it.  And it was already concerning.   

Please please try to stop this.  You probably could use some help with it - it seems like right now you're kind of spinning out with your intense preoccupation with all the wrong things that many people, both close and remote to you, are doing all the time. 

This is no way to be spending your life or your mind.  It's a lot of negative, cluttering noise that serves absolutely no purpose for you besides to bring you down.

I'm struggling. I'm depressed. I sit day in day out alone. I'm so so lonely. I sit recounting all the horrible things that have happened to me. Then sit thinking of others too. I'm bored, lonely, and upset. Never did I think that my life would be this way at 31. That I'd be so alone. I sit, I cry, I pray to God to help me. I'm just surviving. I am grateful I have pets and my own home. That at least gives me something to be grateful for. 

I feel like I have no one to turn to or count on except my family, who live over an hour away and a few close work friends. I feel like I'm being punished. 

 

[Jaunty]

As others have mentioned, you do speak of friends, being in lots of weddings, and social goings on.   

I can't tell if you're really very isolated, or you have unrealistic expectations of people and relationships in your life.  A few close friends and a close knit family, like you have,  are what many of us have to support us in our lives.  

[Alex39]

1 minute ago, Jaunty said:

As others have mentioned, you do speak of friends, being in lots of weddings, and social goings on.   

I can't tell if you're really very isolated, or you have unrealistic expectations of people and relationships in your life.  A few close friends and a close knit family, like you have,  are what many of us have to support us in our lives.  

I was in a bunch of weddings. Two were family members that I'm not that close to. But we grew up together, so it was expected. I only see my friends every so often. A few times a year. In the past, I've had them to my home. I cook for them, buy decorations, food, drinks, and really throw little parties. In, I would say 10 years, my friends have done that for me maybe once or never. 

One time, two of my best friends were having a huge bash for a holiday. But they invited my ex-boyfriend.  I nicely explained that I would not be attending, because I didn't want to be around my ex. I even stopped over there a few days before the party with a gift and some wine for them. I thought things were fine. Then they bombard me the night of the party, ganging up on me in text messages that I should be at the party and how no one showed up so I should have dropped everything and showed up as their friend.  I explained to them that I made other plans, went over with the gift ahead of time, and wasn't coming because I didn't know if my ex would be there or not, since he was invited. Which I explained days before.  They were so mad at me. Then an hour later, who shows up? My ex at their house. The very reason I didn't go and I still to this day think I did the right thing. 

But 10 years later, I'm in there weddings. I guess they see me as a loyal and valuable friend. I guess I don't feel valued or supported at all. My one friend is okay. She does listen to me and ccares. She's more considerate. 

But the others just, I just don't feel that close to. Seeing each other a few times a year isn't great. Even this past Christmas, we always exchange gifts. Two of us brought gifts for the other two. Two didn't. It was awkward. I won't do gifts again. One girl, I haven't gotten a birthday gift from her in years. But I've given one because she invites me out for her birthday.  I try to do the right thing. 

I try to be a good friend. I don't feel the standards are equal. Me being a good friend is me being a passive "yes, life is rainbows and perfect, and you are doing great in your life" 

That I have to just smile and get along. I can't fully be my honest self or I'm seen as the odd one out or a b****   I have to just be supportive all the time and go with whatever is the group.

I feel like when it comes to me, I don't get support, or kind treatment. They do the bare minimum. They don't put effort in. 

 

[SherrySher]

15 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I'm struggling. I'm depressed. I sit day in day out alone. I'm so so lonely. I sit recounting all the horrible things that have happened to me. Then sit thinking of others too. I'm bored, lonely, and upset. Never did I think that my life would be this way at 31. That I'd be so alone. I sit, I cry, I pray to God to help me. I'm just surviving. I am grateful I have pets and my own home. That at least gives me something to be grateful for. 

I feel like I have no one to turn to or count on except my family, who live over an hour away and a few close work friends. I feel like I'm being punished. 

 

If you're this unhappy, Alex, then perhaps it's time to start focusing on yourself and to improve your own life right now.

You sound miserable and my heart feels sad for you, truly.

First and foremost, do you have a therapist/counsellor that you see? I recommend finding one as this will help greatly with navigating with issues that might be troubling you such as low self esteem, depression, etc.

Secondly, try getting out more, whether it's taking a cooking class, joining a Meet up group, finding new social groups, a new hobby, or anything of any kind of interest to you that will help you meet new people.

You will feel better getting out of the house, and being able to challenge yourself with help you feel better in yourself. You may even end up helping you find new friends who will bring you more happiness.

You have good intentions in being a good friend to this lady and that is commendable, unfortunately, any issues with the fiancee, your friend will have to decide on her own how to deal with things and with the fiancee.

This is her son, she dearly loves her son. She is going to have to be very gentle on how she deals with the situation, so she doesn't end up in a huge fight with her son, and could end up losing her son.

Trust me, Alex, you don't want to be the one who could be blamed for pushing this lady into drama, or upset.

If this lady decides not to do anything about the fiancee, let her do as she chooses and please try to not be upset about that.

This lady's focus is on her son, and not falling out with him. Even if the fiancee is a bridezilla, the son chose her and now the Mom has to respect his choice.

Your job is to listen to her upset, without getting involved, or pushing her one way, or the other.

[SherrySher]

9 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

That I have to just smile and get along. I can't fully be my honest self or I'm seen as the odd one out or a b****   I have to just be supportive all the time and go with whatever is the group.

You are confusing being supportive, with wanting to tell them your opinion and complaining over what bothers you and what you think they should do.

Being supportive is listening to their problems without giving your opinions, and even if asked for your opinions, being gentle about it so as to not create drama and cause your friend to be even more angry, or upset.

Why? Because this is for her to figure out on her own as it's her son.

If you want to give out opinions and how upset you are, you can do that when it's your son and your future daughter in law.

A lot of times too, people want someone to listen, but not necessarily advice.

Helping pick out a dress is one thing, but it's not the same as getting involved in what she should do about the fiancee. Only she can decide that on her own.

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

I only see my friends every so often. A few times a year. In the past, I've had them to my home. I cook for them, buy decorations, food, drinks, and really throw little parties. In, I would say 10 years, my friends have done that for me maybe once or never. 

 

 

Can you try to stop being so aggrieved and holding onto percieved slights forever?   This is what is called a "give to get" attitude.  If you can't have people to your home for dinner without holding it against them in years to come, STOP DOING IT.  This is not how friends behave.  I mean ... I'm talking about you.  Not the supposedly bad friends you complain about so bitterly.

Sorry, but it's a pattern of yours.  You are very unhappy but (as is true for most of us) you are the one creating the negative situations.

[mylolita]

4 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Can you try to stop being so aggrieved and holding onto percieved slights forever?   This is what is called a "give to get" attitude.  If you can't have people to your home for dinner without holding it against them in years to come, STOP DOING IT.  This is not how friends behave.  I mean ... I'm talking about you.  Not the supposedly bad friends you complain about so bitterly.

Sorry, but it's a pattern of yours.  You are very unhappy but (as is true for most of us) you are the one creating the negative situations.

I have to agree, great point Jaunty.

You don't do things or throw events or hold parties with the view to have them returned back. You don't offer a ride to expect one from someone down the road. This is not a good deed when you expect something in return!

I think Alex, you would like someone to treat you the way you treat others? People often buy people the things they would secretly like for themselves, or do things they wish someone else would do for them. You like holding dinner parties - it's absolutely fine to wish your friends would invite you to something similar that you like yourself, that's completely normal! But not everyone is going to reciprocate like that. Some people just attend things then forget and don't think about returning the event or favour.

You have to do these things for the pure love and joy of them, really, or you're putting yourself out there to get hurt in a way, when they don't give you the same back. 

I've been there myself! Where I used to live, I had a friend who also had a little girl at the same similar age to my middle daughter, and she would come over religiously at least once a week and I loved it! Coffee and tea constantly rolling out, and I always happily offered them dinner because, I was cooking it for my kids anyway, so the more the merrier!

After probably 20 times of this happening, I probably had 2/3 invites to her place in total. It did feel one sided. I did start thinking, I'm irritated. It feels like take take take. But then I stepped back and I realised, I think she liked escaping her house. Another stay at home Mum, she enjoyed getting a change of scenery. And her daughter was so at home at our place, and it was, really, great for the kids, and comfortable, and a great atmosphere. It was a compliment, really, that she enjoyed it so much. So I look back, and I stopped being mad, and took it as a compliment. I don't think she was even thinking like that. She often would bring something too, like some cup cakes or snacks for the kids. She was not using me like that.

It's one of those things. I guess, in your 30s, friendships change. People get so busy. Life is hectic. Either careers or family or marriages or all three. Peoples time split off and they take on worries and responsibilities. Your place in the pecking order can slide. It feels hurtful. You have to go out and create your own group and do your own thing, really!

I always say, create the life you want! Create the friend circle you want! Create the events and occasions you want. You can make your life what you want it, in so many areas.

I'm quite a romantic kinda gal in all aspects and light candles all through the day, play music all day, always arrange flowers everywhere, go out picking wild flowers and all of that. I ritualise a lot of daily normally mundane tasks. It's how I am, and that's just how I want to live. I live traditionally as well, or as traditionally as I can. You have to craft what you want for yourself. You feel more in control and things go more your way.

A lot of people switch friend groups, or find they only have time for one or two people in their 30s. I think it's quite normal, your frustration.

x

[Jibralta]

6 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I'm struggling. I'm depressed. I sit day in day out alone. I'm so so lonely. I sit recounting all the horrible things that have happened to me. Then sit thinking of others too. I'm bored, lonely, and upset. Never did I think that my life would be this way at 31. That I'd be so alone. I sit, I cry, I pray to God to help me. I'm just surviving. I am grateful I have pets and my own home. That at least gives me something to be grateful for. 

I feel like I have no one to turn to or count on except my family, who live over an hour away and a few close work friends. I feel like I'm being punished. 

I'm sorry to hear that. Loneliness is a very difficult thing to deal with.

Don't take this the wrong way, but I notice that you share a lot of the same judgmental tendencies and rigid beliefs as a lot of the men that visit this site and post about their own loneliness. I think that's what's killing you (and them). I can't give you advice on how to stop, but I think you must stop if you don't want to be lonely. You're actually setting yourself apart from others by being this way. You're making yourself lonely. 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, SherrySher said:

You are confusing being supportive, with wanting to tell them your opinion and complaining over what bothers you and what you think they should do.

Yes- your title is about honesty but it's not -it's about whether you should share an unsolicited opinion and input with your friend.  Even if your friend asked you then I would use honesty.  I would say in order to be honest and a true friend I believe I should not give my input here. Of course if I thought this person was a danger to you or your family in any way then of course but I don't think it's my place to give an opinion.

It's better if you stop telling yourself you're doing this in the name of honesty or support -it will help you get the right perspective as to what is actually helpful and well-intentioned and what might have motives that are not so thoughtful.

I'm sorry you're feeling alone.

Edited -I hadn't read Sherry Sher total post before posting -I see I was repetitive -didn't mean to be!

[Seraphim]

Ok, I think I see what is happening. You have maybe an unrealistic expectation of what life entails. What life is for the vast majority of people; we go to work, we have families whatever that looks like and we have a few friends. This is what life is for a vast majority. 
 

You are not happy within yourself and want life to be exciting to save you from dealing with yourself. I did the same, I looked outside myself continuously everywhere to keep from dealing with my own demons. You can’t out run them. We all need to deal with ourselves. 

[Alex39]

59 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Ok, I think I see what is happening. You have maybe an unrealistic expectation of what life entails. What life is for the vast majority of people; we go to work, we have families whatever that looks like and we have a few friends. This is what life is for a vast majority. 
 

You are not happy within yourself and want life to be exciting to save you from dealing with yourself. I did the same, I looked outside myself continuously everywhere to keep from dealing with my own demons. You can’t out run them. We all need to deal with ourselves. 

I don't though. I don't expect people to give back to me exactly what I give to them at all. I like cooking. I don't expect someone who hates cooking to cook for me. 

But I feel there is an inequity. I give so much and feel very little effort in any area back. After a while, that weighs you down. I've been in all their weddings. Spent hundreds on each one as was required. Was excited, supportive, and kind through each one. And here I am, getting a bunch of flakes for my birthday. I didn't even care if people went, but they didn't even have the decency to tell me they can't come and let me spend my birthday practically alone. 

[boltnrun]

As I said before, you've been given a ton of suggestions on things you can do to combat your self imposed loneliness. Have you tried even one of them?

Also, your writing seems like it's coming from someone who's depressed. Are you seeing a doctor and a therapist? Have you considered seeing your doctor to ask for some professional support?