Should I be more honest with my friend

[Alex39]

I have a really close friend. We have grown closer over the years. We even went on a vacation together. She's like a mother figure to me. My mother's age. I'm 30. She's 58 or 59. 

Her son lives across the country and is getting married. I met him and his fiancee. I didn't find his fiancee to be nice, friendly, or kind at all. 

My friend says how much she likes her, but I wonder if she's only saying that because her son is marrying her. 

We were visiting nearby to where the son lives- a few hours away. Her son was so excited to see his mom. He's a super nice guy. He told us how he is going to drive the few hours with his fiancee, spend two days with us, and they'll stay in a hotel near us. They were going to leave around 4 pm for the four hour drive. 4pm Monday, stay Tuesday, leave midday Wednesday. 

Plan was solid. He even considered coming on his own earlier monday, because she had work.  But it seemed the fiancee was insistent on coming.

He then told us how the fiancee works nights and sleeps days, so she will be exhausted when they make the drive, working the night before. 11pm to 7am.  He told us he'd see us around 8 when they got there. 

Well 4pm, turned into them leaving around 9pm. Because his fiancee wanted to sleep at home,but didnt go to sleep until 3 or 4. She got out of work at 7am. It was very strange. He wanted to get to us and said she'd sleep in the car. She didn't. So they left at night. They didn't get in until 1am to their hotel. 

We get up the next morning and her son is messaging her that he wants to see her asap, and he'll be coming around 9am. But fiancee was still sleeping. 

We make our own plans, so my friend can be with her son, but we don't want to leave her waiting by herself until he comes. 9am, turns to 11am, he says they'll come get her. We wait. 

11am turns into 3pm. We wasted the whole day and I could tell my friend was upset, but didn't want to say. She even made comments how she wishes she just went out with us. Because the day was wasted. It was so inconsiderate. 

The son then says how the fiancee slept until 11am then had to fix herself up, then wanted food so he took her to a brunch spot. 

I thought this seemed so rude. My friend put aside her whole day and the son was saying he wanted to be there at 9am. He was up and ready. Fiancee wouldn't rush. 

I got the vibe that 

1. his fiancee was not letting him go on this trip alone, as she likes to "monitor" him

2. She didn't care at all that he saw his mom

My friend raves how sweet the girl is to her. I didn't see that at all. 

My friend came back from her half day with them. Said the fiancee was miserable and didn't feel well, so layed in the car while the son and mom did all activities. She clearly didn't want to do activities with my friend. 

Then we meet up for some food and we notice that the girl eats two bites of food. I'm not exaggerating, two bites. Her son laughed saying how she let's him eat all her food at every restaurant they go to. So he always gets two meals out of it. The girl can't weigh more than 98 pounds. Very bone-y. I'm sitting there like this girl clearly has an eating disorder. 

The next morning, we all go to breakfast together. She orders the most expensive thing on the menu. Two bites. She ate nothing. 

We go for afternoon ice cream before they were going to drive back to their place. We all order big three scoop sundaes. She insists on getting one too. She eats two bites and leaves a huge melted sundae on the table. It was so wasteful and rude. My friend paid for her ice cream.

She acts very rude and bossy. Saying how she'll choose where they'll live.  I didn't find her to be nice at all. I think she only came on the trip, because she heard two young attractive girls were also there. She seemed like she only came to watch over her man. She didn't want to do any of the activities that we did. And I got the vibe she didn't want him spending too much time with his mom either. 

Fast forward to now. The wedding is coming up. My friend asks me to help her dress shop. She says the fiancee told her it's a fancy wedding with neutral beige and green tones. We settle on finding a long navy dress. We thought that would be pretty for mother of the groom. 

My friend and I go out all day long and have an amazing time. We laugh, and she finds the perfect navy long dress. It was classy, stylish, and perfect on her. My friend loves the dress. She has me take her picture. She sends it to the fiancee. 

The fiancee responds almost questioning the dress and how it might not go, then puts how her mother (mother of bride) thinks my friend should wear this.... adds a bunch of pictures of dresses that were shorter dresses made for a 90 year old lady. My friend is 58. 

I was shocked. I didn't find it nice. I got the vibe that the bride doesn't want her looking nice, and maybe better than her own mother. My heart was broken for my friend. 

I nicely tried to persuade my friend that the dress does go and how mother of the groom doesn't pose a lot with the bridesmaids. I've been in 6 weddings. 

My friend then texts the bride how she loves the dress and she won't be posing with the bridesmaids anyway. The bride responds "oh yes, you will be taking pictures with my bridesmaids"

I thought that was so weird. In all 6 weddings I've been in, I was a bridesmaid, I never took photos with the parents of the groom. Ever. 

I'm very very fashionable too and I thought the dress we picked out for my friend was neutral, complimentary, classy, made her look fabulous, and wouldn't outshine anyone. I know style. 

My friend bought the dress. 

A week has gone by. And now my friend is messaging me how she thinks she needs a different dress. And she mentions the bride. I can tell the bride has now persuaded her against the dress we bought. I think that is so mean. I don't think this girl is nice. Should I nicely tell my friend that I think the bride doesn't want her looking good in that dress?

The bride even insisted my friend be on FaceTime as the bride tries on wedding gowns and watch her cry as she finds the one. I thought it was hugely attention seeking. Her whole family was also there. 

I just get horrible vibes from this situation and am sad for my friend because I think this girl is heavily manipulating her. I also think she heavily manipulates her son, but he's marrying her, so not my business. 

I just feel bad for my friend. It was so awkward, every time I gushed and told my friend she looked fabulous in a dress, the bride would say the opposite.  It was like nothing we picked out was good enough. We weren't being cheap either. She bought a $200 dress. I just feel so bad for her. If I was the bride, I'd let my future mother in law wear anything she wanted. Unless it was like jeans or something. I'd want her to look and feel amazing. 

Any thoughts on this situation? 

 

[Coily]

Your friends' soon to be daughter out-law seems to be a controlling weirdo. Unfortunately it's not your fight, all you can do is be sounding board for your friend. Until that friend speaks ill of the outlaw biting the tongue is all you should do.

 

It could be that this experience is a one off on this girl's part, or a larger pattern, but not your circus not your monkeys.

[boltnrun]

Are you intending to get involved in this situation in some way?

[Seraphim]

Don’t get involved in other people’s family issues. It’s a guaranteed way to get blacklisted really quick. Her son will ALWAYS come before friends. He loves this girl and she loves her son . 

[Alex39]

I don't want nor plan to get involved in their family. But I feel like I kero having to convince my friend to wear the dress. Should I even keep trying to help my friend?

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Alex39 said:

Should I even keep trying to help my friend?

Is she asking you for help in dealing with her daughter in law?

[Alex39]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Is she asking you for help in dealing with her daughter in law?

She keeps asking for help picking dresses, but I feel we are going in circles. She wants me to shop and help her. I love it, we have fun. Then we find a great one, and it's all exciting, and she and I pick out accessories and such. We're set. Then she includes the fiancee. I almost told her nicely, that she doesn't need to check with the bride about what she's wearing. But my friend was told by another friend that the bride must okay her outfit. This lady also told her that mother of the groom should wear beige and blend in. Dumb. 

So my friend shows the fiancee every dress and the bride convinces her out if it every time. The bride seems to think the mother of the groom needs to match the bridesmaids. But in my six weddings I was in, the mother of the bride and groom wore complimentary colors, not matching the bridesmaids. They never matched. 

[boltnrun]

Then it's time to politely decline to give your opinion. If she is going to defer to the daughter in law, your input isn't needed. You could say something noncommittal like "I think it looks lovely on you, but maybe run it by Son's Fiancee to be sure." No need to put yourself in the middle or tell her you think the bride is being "dumb". 

[Alex39]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Then it's time to politely decline to give your opinion. If she is going to defer to the daughter in law, your input isn't needed. You could say something noncommittal like "I think it looks lovely on you, but maybe run it by Son's Fiancee to be sure." No need to put yourself in the middle or tell her you think the bride is being "dumb". 

I agree with you. I think I feel a bit slighted that she cares so much what the brides opinion is over mine. Then why did you even ask me to help you and include me? I was so honored, because she says I'm the daughter she never had. But she clearly only wants to do what the bride wants. 

[boltnrun]

You're not in some kind of competition with the bride.Of course her daughter in law is going to take precedence over a friend. 

And there's no need for you to concern yourself with how much the daughter in law eats or what time she and her fiance meet up with his mom. That has nothing to do with helping pick out a dress. 

By chance is this the friend whose son you were hoping to date? Is this the same son?

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

 she cares so much what the brides. she clearly only wants to do what the bride wants. 

That's ok. She's doing what she wants and thinks is right for her and her son/future daughter-in-law. 

[Alex39]

10 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You're not in some kind of competition with the bride.Of course her daughter in law is going to take precedence over a friend. 

And there's no need for you to concern yourself with how much the daughter in law eats or what time she and her fiance meet up with his mom. That has nothing to do with helping pick out a dress. 

By chance is this the friend whose son you were hoping to date? Is this the same son?

No, this is not the same son or guy. I don't like this guy at all. 

[catfeeder]

If my friend wanted to please DIL, and my goal was to help my friend rather than play out my own private contest against the bride, then I'd suggest that friend may want to confirm with DIL that the color(s) of the dresses in the pics DIL sent are the approved color(s).

From there, given that I enjoy shopping with friend, we could shop for dresses in that color or those colors, and possibly even try on some of the actual dresses DIL suggested to learn how they look and how well they might fit with a bit of tailoring or additions, such as a chiffon scarf in a flattering color.

This would avoid causing cognitive dissonance for friend by trying to counter the ideas that friend has adopted from DIL or other trusted people.

I must admit, some of the dresses on hangers suggested to my mother by shop staff looked matronly to me until Mom tried them on. And wOw! She made almost everything look fabulous, because she was already fabulous.

I'd lay off the negativity and flow WITH friend. Her desire for a good relationship with DIL is more important than ego, and the rest is irrelevant.

[Kwothe28]

I am sorry but she is "The Bride"(Well more like "Bridezilla" lol) and no matter how she is, her word is the last. Its her wedding. And its not yours to intervene in their family relations. Especially when you havent even been asked about it or your friend even complained about it to you.

[MissCanuck]

You can support your friend,but otherwise, you need to stay out of it.

You tend to get over-involved in others' business, Alex. Now would be a good time to exercise restraint and stay in your proverbial lane. 

[Tinydance]

6 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I agree with you. I think I feel a bit slighted that she cares so much what the brides opinion is over mine. Then why did you even ask me to help you and include me? I was so honored, because she says I'm the daughter she never had. But she clearly only wants to do what the bride wants. 

Hey Alex! I want to just start off by saying that I understand this is an anonymous forum and you're just discussing whatever you like freely. There is nothing wrong with that and that's what this forum is actually for. I enjoy reading your posts and I know you're always up for good discussions. 

What I have noticed though is that while you really care about your friends, you seem very overly involved in their lives. I think it's important to differentiate between being a supportive friend and actually getting too involved or controlling in your friend's life. You also seem overly concerned or invested in how your friends live their lives or what choices they're making. You've got to remember that just because you're their friend doesn't always mean they need/want your opinions, your help, or for you to "rescue" them.

In this case, your friend has asked you to help her look for dresses, so you should keep it to that. To be honest your comment as to why your friend cares more what the bride thinks than you is bizarre. She cares more about the bride's opinion because it's HER wedding and she's the bride's guest. This is also her son's future wife so she's family. Personally I found that comment weird.

I don't think any of this situation has to do with you and you actually haven't been asked to give advice or opinions on the situation. You were only asked to give advice about dresses. So I would just say something like: "That's a shame coz you look lovely in that dress. Sorry if you don't end up wearing it". Don't give advice on whether your friend should or shouldn't wear it to the wedding because that's not up to you.

I don't really know why you wrote a long post about your friend's daughter-in-law, her eating habits, her behaviours, etc. Why do you care? And if she actually has an eating disorder, which likely it sounds like she does, that's actually not her fault that she can't eat the food. People with eating disorders will often pretend to eat the food because they actually hide the fact that they have an eating disorder. Or sometimes they just want to taste the food a little or they purge it later. I don't really see what her eating has to do with anything. Also it's not really your concern that your friend paid for the ice cream but the girl only took two bites. That's for your friend to worry about because it's her money.

[Seraphim]

And this comes down to boundaries, you have very little with yourself and with others. 

[Batya33]

38 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I don't really know why you wrote a long post about your friend's daughter-in-law, her eating habits, her behaviours, etc. Why do you care? And if she actually has an eating disorder, which likely it sounds like she does, that's actually not her fault that she can't eat the food. People with eating disorders will often pretend to eat the food because they actually hide the fact that they have an eating disorder. Or sometimes they just want to taste the food a little or they purge it later. I don't really see what her eating has to do with anything. Also it's not really your concern that your friend paid for the ice cream but the girl only took two bites. That's for your friend to worry about because it's her money.

Yes, this opinion the OP gave was especially concerning. I am very thin.  I've been slim/thin/very thin most of my life. I did I believe have an eating disorder in my teens/early 20s.  I am 56.

Over the last couple of years I really don't feel comfortable eating large meals or eating in front of people who want me to chat while eating.  I don't have a big appetite and my stomach is on the sensitive side so I prefer to eat more slowly (I force myself to), to not eat till I'm too full and to enjoy my food -I'm a foodie to the hilt -without being interrupted so that my food gets cold/I have to wait to chew and swallow.  I do go out with others but I often will let the others chat and then resume chatting when I'm done/almost done eating if possible. 

Also for example there was one time we went to a large family friend gathering. We ate outside.  There were flies landing on food.  Others did not care.  I cared.  A lot. I am sensitive to that.  So I tried not to take much food on my plate, made an excuse that I had to help my young child with his plate (which I made sure was not composed of flied on food) and ate very little.  I would have hated to be judged as someone with an eating disorder.

So please OP stop assuming and I know you're concerned about your own weight so perhaps seeing her so thin and not eating the delicious food triggered you perhaps? It also could be she lost her appetite when the food was served. That happened to me at a really important brunch once with my husband and business colleagues some years ago.  I ordered -not the most expensive at all -but yes a typical brunch plate -and all of a sudden got the absolute worst period cramps I'd had in years.  I didn't have my advil with me either.  All men at the table.  Horrible. 

She also might be newly pregnant (and not wanting to tell outsiders like you) and maybe realized that the eggs she was served were undercooked and/or got concerned that the ice cream -if soft serve or made with raw eggs- were too risky as a pregnant woman.  That also would explain the fatigue etc.  

I couldn't eat much and obviously couldn't explain what the issue was.  You don't know what people are going through so please check yourself before making these assumptions. I do totally appreciate you just thought this and didn't make this woman feel self-conscious.  Just sharing my perspective.

I agree with the others about how to approach the dress and other issues. 

[Tinydance]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes, this opinion the OP gave was especially concerning. I am very thin.  I've been slim/thin/very thin most of my life. I did I believe have an eating disorder in my teens/early 20s.  I am 56.

Over the last couple of years I really don't feel comfortable eating large meals or eating in front of people who want me to chat while eating.  I don't have a big appetite and my stomach is on the sensitive side so I prefer to eat more slowly (I force myself to), to not eat till I'm too full and to enjoy my food -I'm a foodie to the hilt -without being interrupted so that my food gets cold/I have to wait to chew and swallow.  I do go out with others but I often will let the others chat and then resume chatting when I'm done/almost done eating if possible. 

Also for example there was one time we went to a large family friend gathering. We ate outside.  There were flies landing on food.  Others did not care.  I cared.  A lot. I am sensitive to that.  So I tried not to take much food on my plate, made an excuse that I had to help my young child with his plate (which I made sure was not composed of flied on food) and ate very little.  I would have hated to be judged as someone with an eating disorder.

So please OP stop assuming and I know you're concerned about your own weight so perhaps seeing her so thin and not eating the delicious food triggered you perhaps? It also could be she lost her appetite when the food was served. That happened to me at a really important brunch once with my husband and business colleagues some years ago.  I ordered -not the most expensive at all -but yes a typical brunch plate -and all of a sudden got the absolute worst period cramps I'd had in years.  I didn't have my advil with me either.  All men at the table.  Horrible. 

I couldn't eat much and obviously couldn't explain what the issue was.  You don't know what people are going through so please check yourself before making these assumptions. I do totally appreciate you just thought this and didn't make this woman feel self-conscious.  Just sharing my perspective.

I agree with the others about how to approach the dress and other issues. 

I also just found it weird how Alex was really noticing how much food the woman was eating. It's like: "She only ate a little of her lunch, only two bites of ice cream, only a bit of this, etc." It just seems that this preoccupation with what other people are doing is becoming over the top. Now it's extended from friends to basically a stranger. I don't even notice what and how other people are eating. 

Also I wanted to add that just because someone paid for your ice cream doesn't mean you have to eat it all. An ice cream cone is generally cheap so the person didn't break their bank buying it. 

Also Alex if you did actually think this girl had an eating disorder then why did you say that the girl only eating two bites of ice cream was rude? An eating disorder is a mental illness. You wouldn't say to someone with depression: "It's so rude that you're feeling depressed, where are your manners?"

 

 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I also just found it weird how Alex was really noticing how much food the woman was eating. It's like: "She only ate a little of her lunch, only two bites of ice cream, only a bit of this, etc." It just seems that this preoccupation with what other people are doing is becoming over the top. Now it's extended from friends to basically a stranger. I don't even notice what and how other people are eating. 

Also I wanted to add that just because someone paid for your ice cream doesn't mean you have to eat it all. An ice cream cone is generally cheap so the person didn't break their bank buying it. 

Also Alex if you did actually think this girl had an eating disorder then why did you say that the girl only eating two bites of ice cream was rude? An eating disorder is a mental illness. You wouldn't say to someone with depression: "It's so rude that you're feeling depressed, where are your manners?"

 

 

Great points other than here- sigh -ice cream can be like $7 a scoop. Ridiculous.  Anyway -yes.  I was at a family friends dinner two weeks ago.  Thin older woman who has cancer polished off her whole entree.  Woman sitting across from her who is heavy and has met this woman but they're not close and I do not think she knew the woman has cancer and recently had surgery says "Wow! You're such a little thing! And you ate all of your entree!! You must have been hungry!!".  Luckily my thin friend has a thick skin lol and is hilarious so she said kindly "you know I really wasn't that hungry -but it was so delicious".  This is why I do give credit to the OP for not commenting.  But yes try not to observe so closely -perhaps fiancee felt like she was being watched. 

[Seraphim]

She could also have a health issue like me. I have diabetes so I don’t tuck into huge meals of carbs and sugars. But either way what she eats is no one’s business but hers . 

[Alex39]

54 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes, this opinion the OP gave was especially concerning. I am very thin.  I've been slim/thin/very thin most of my life. I did I believe have an eating disorder in my teens/early 20s.  I am 56.

Over the last couple of years I really don't feel comfortable eating large meals or eating in front of people who want me to chat while eating.  I don't have a big appetite and my stomach is on the sensitive side so I prefer to eat more slowly (I force myself to), to not eat till I'm too full and to enjoy my food -I'm a foodie to the hilt -without being interrupted so that my food gets cold/I have to wait to chew and swallow.  I do go out with others but I often will let the others chat and then resume chatting when I'm done/almost done eating if possible. 

Also for example there was one time we went to a large family friend gathering. We ate outside.  There were flies landing on food.  Others did not care.  I cared.  A lot. I am sensitive to that.  So I tried not to take much food on my plate, made an excuse that I had to help my young child with his plate (which I made sure was not composed of flied on food) and ate very little.  I would have hated to be judged as someone with an eating disorder.

So please OP stop assuming and I know you're concerned about your own weight so perhaps seeing her so thin and not eating the delicious food triggered you perhaps? It also could be she lost her appetite when the food was served. That happened to me at a really important brunch once with my husband and business colleagues some years ago.  I ordered -not the most expensive at all -but yes a typical brunch plate -and all of a sudden got the absolute worst period cramps I'd had in years.  I didn't have my advil with me either.  All men at the table.  Horrible. 

She also might be newly pregnant (and not wanting to tell outsiders like you) and maybe realized that the eggs she was served were undercooked and/or got concerned that the ice cream -if soft serve or made with raw eggs- were too risky as a pregnant woman.  That also would explain the fatigue etc.  

I couldn't eat much and obviously couldn't explain what the issue was.  You don't know what people are going through so please check yourself before making these assumptions. I do totally appreciate you just thought this and didn't make this woman feel self-conscious.  Just sharing my perspective.

I agree with the others about how to approach the dress and other issues. 

I think I was pretty on the money. I thought it rude to order the most expensive steak. She did. Then take two bites. Then her fiance confirmed that she does this every time they eat. He found it funny. It was very obvious she was passing it off as "oh babe you eat the rest" and he found it cute. But she did it every single place we went to.  4 times in two days. This was a year ago,so she was not pregnant. 

I was bringing up some of my own experiences with this woman. Because I don't think she's been very nice to my friend, or respectful, and the fact that no one else noticed she clearly had an eating disorder baffled me. My other friend on the trip also commented to me privately that she thought she had an eating disorder. Then after so long, my friends son started gaining a tad bit of weight, because he had been eating his food and hers. And the girl told him he needed to diet. I was like wow, she clearly has a thing with people being thin. He probably only gained 10 pounds, and what do you expect when he eats all your food too? I don't focus on what others eat. But this was very obvious. She cut two pieces of steak and left a whole steak that her fiance ate. She ate two bites of ice cream and a huge melted bowl sat there. It just was obvious and comments were made at the table about it, not by me. 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Alex39 said:

 Should I nicely tell my friend that I think the bride doesn't want her looking good in that dress?

It doesn't seem like criticizing the future daughter-in-law to your friend will help your friendship with her. Try to focus on your friend and let her do what she needs to as far as her son's wedding.

[Alex39]

54 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I also just found it weird how Alex was really noticing how much food the woman was eating. It's like: "She only ate a little of her lunch, only two bites of ice cream, only a bit of this, etc." It just seems that this preoccupation with what other people are doing is becoming over the top. Now it's extended from friends to basically a stranger. I don't even notice what and how other people are eating. 

Also I wanted to add that just because someone paid for your ice cream doesn't mean you have to eat it all. An ice cream cone is generally cheap so the person didn't break their bank buying it. 

Also Alex if you did actually think this girl had an eating disorder then why did you say that the girl only eating two bites of ice cream was rude? An eating disorder is a mental illness. You wouldn't say to someone with depression: "It's so rude that you're feeling depressed, where are your manners?"

 

 

I thought it was rude that she seemed to know she wasn't going to eat a huge ice cream, but insisted on having my friend buy her a huge ice cream sundae, and then said at the table how she doesn't really like ice cream and ate two bites. Why wouldn't you have gotten a tiny one? The huge one was $10. If I didn't love ice cream, I would have ordered a small one. 

[Alex39]

At this point, I will stay help my friend, steer clear of the bride, and be a good friend to her. That's all I should be caring about.

I get so bored. That I fixate on others. But it's not my business. I fully understand that.