My girlfriend takes issue with my friend who happens to be an ex

[dudelikewhoa]

I have been dating my current girlfriend for over 6 months.  She is 34 and I am 45.  On nearly every level, we get along wonderfully.  I love her immensely.  We are like best friends.  It has been lovely spending my time with her and I can safely say that she would say the same thing.

Except for one thing...my close female friend of nearly 15 years who was once an ex.  

Now before anyone judges, let me explain this BACKSTORY.  I dated my ex 13 years ago.  We separated and wound up becoming very good friends.  I have only platonic feelings for this person.  She is like family.  Over the pandemic, this person fell deathly ill with organ failure at the young age of 35.  Myself, her boyfriend and her family just so happened to be around at the right time.  I was not in any relationship and I was working remotely, so I was able to advocate for nearly a year to help this person (with her boyfriend and her mother) get an organ transplant.  I nearly watched her die on life support until thankfully the transplant surgery was a success.  I was then listed as a secondary emergency care giver.  This was one of the most traumatic experiences in my life.   I housed her boyfriend for months on end so he could be closer to the hospital, and helped them migrate into their new home and just offered support where I could.  Slowly, they were able to regain their lives back and I could move on with mine.  For those who ask, why would I do that?  I have no idea.  I just ran into the burning building without thinking and then I was just a part of the situation.  If myself and her boyfriend were not there to push the hospital system, advocate and bring in additional medical opinions...she would not be here today.  That is a fact since they originally were trying to put her in hospice.  We all went through something VERY traumatic together and it brought us close together like family.  

Fast forward to this previous summer, I randomly reconnected (we were old acquaintances through a mutual friend) with my now current girlfriend.  We bonded instantly and I shared everything with her.  I told her everything about what I went through in the hospital and everything else.  She was seemingly supportive and empathetic about it.  Over time, she would ask more questions about it.  "Why would you do that for someone that you aren't in love with?"  etc etc.  And would slowly become less empathetic about the subject. To be clear, I would never really bring it up.  I have been trying to move past it.  She brings it up for me, forcing me to relive it.  It became clear that she thought that I helped my ex because I may be secretly in love with my her.  Which is 10000% not the case.  I understand why someone may think that, but nothing I say is good enough.  I tried to get us all to hang out so there was no weirdness or threat.  They seemingly got along well but I was wrong.  My friend/ex has had a long road to recovery and is not always tactful and sometimes says weird stuff (she was intubated on life support for months and they think it may of affected some of the brain in subtle ways).  Sometimes she has no filter.  Apparently, while spending time with my current girlfriend at a Halloween party...she would bring up how I was her ex-boyfriend a few times and that made my current girlfriend uneasy.   She thought she was acting "territorial".  

That one hang out with my ex/friend and her boyfriend with my new girlfriend, created a ripple effect and has started numerous amounts of fights about the subject.  To the point where I have now put myfriend/ex at arms length distance.  I have pleaded with my girlfriend, I have stated my boundaries about the situation, I have shown her my text message threads with my friend/ex to show that our interactions were not innappropriate...and she still takes issue with her.  Even though they don't even interact nor has my friend/ex been in my life for the past 4-5months.  I am friends with a few other ex's and she has no problem with them.  She also has ex-boyfriends that she is friends with and I accept that.  Additionally, since this...she has been showing some signs of insecurities.  I.e. Asking me if I love her then acting like she doesn't believe me (in a "cute" way), down talking her looks, asking me if I love her even though I could "get hotter women" or coincidentally having an ailment (i.e sad, a headache, muscle pain, depression) whenever we part ways and go back to our own apartments for a day or two after spending days together.   Then if I dont pay enough attention, compares me taking care of my friend with "not taking care of her" good enough.  i.e "You would spend 2 years of your life helping this person who is "just a friend"...I don't feel like you would do the same for me." etc etc. To be clear, I absolutely adore her, love her and I am attracted to her otherwise.  So this is alien to me.

In no way am I engaging in an emotionally or physically inappropriate relationship with my friend.  Whatsoever.  I couldn't even imagine this.  It pains me to not be closer to my friends whom I shared this terrible trauma with.  It makes me feel like a bad friend.  But that is on me to figure out.  My current girlfriend has never told me I cannot be friends with them...but also makes me feel bad about what I did to help her in the hospital or judges me if I respond to a text from them.  I cannot turn back time.  This happened before she was in the picture!

Am I wrong here?  Whenever an argument is started about this, and she threatens to break-up when I state my boundaries about the subject...and I don't say feed into it (letting her have small tantrums)...she says I am choosing sides.  It makes me so upset and also makes me so sad because aside from the issues I stated -- we get along so great!  The other night, out of nowhere, she brings her up and starts accusing me of not sharing updates about my friend and "omitting" things.  There has been nothing to share.  We dont talk as much as we used to.  This spiraled into a cruddy argument...it is 2 days before her birthday and we are currently not talking today.  I have a strong feeling that she will call me later and double-down about her reasoning...forcing me to find a way to de-escalate and placate.  I don't think I can keep doing that, even though I am very much in love with her.  Aside from this issue, she is a LOVELY person.  Mostly calm and sweet.  

I am struggling with this situation, as I want to maintain my friendship with my ex but also keep my current relationship intact. I feel like I am caught in the middle of this and have tried to be transparent with my girlfriend about everything, but she still accuses me of "choosing sides." I am unsure of what to do, as my girlfriend threatens to break up whenever we argue about this issue, and I feel like I am always having to de-escalate and placate her.

In conclusion, I am seeking advice on how to navigate this complex situation. I feel like I am stuck and don't know how to resolve the situation without upsetting her.  What am I doing wrong here?  Please help!

 

[lostandhurt]

You are stuck.  Nothing good rarely comes from having ex's as friends.

But you dated 13 years ago so clearly she is just your good friend and you should not have to choose.

I have a feeling from what you described that even if you did choose your gf and stopped all contact with your friend it wouldn't be enough.

 It sounds like at 6 months her true self is emerging and it isn't your fault for being a stand up guy and helping a friend stay alive.

  Take a step back and see your gf for who she is when things are not so good, that is the person you are in a relationship with.  Anyone can be lovely when things are happy and perfect.

 Threatening to break up is emotional black mail.  I don't think you can win with your gf no matter what you do or decide.  At 6 months the true colors usually come out and if it wasn't your friend being the catalyst it would have been something else.

Lost

[SooSad33]

30 minutes ago, dudelikewhoa said:

Fast forward to this previous summer, I randomly reconnected (we were old acquaintances through a mutual friend) with my now current girlfriend.  We bonded instantly and I shared everything with her.  I told her everything about what I went through in the hospital and everything else.  She was seemingly supportive and empathetic about it.  Over time, she would ask more questions about it.  "Why would you do that for someone that you aren't in love with?"  etc etc.  And would slowly become less empathetic about the subject. To be clear, I would never really bring it up.  I have been trying to move past it.  She brings it up for me, forcing me to relive it.  It became clear that she thought that I helped my ex because I may be secretly in love with my her.  Which is 10000% not the case.  I understand why someone may think that, but nothing I say is good enough. 

It obviously sounds like jealousy and insecurity on her end.  Was there a reason she knows this friend is an ex - from long ago? 

32 minutes ago, dudelikewhoa said:

That one hang out with my ex/friend and her boyfriend with my new girlfriend, created a ripple effect and has started numerous amounts of fights about the subject.  To the point where I have now put myfriend/ex at arms length distance.  I have pleaded with my girlfriend, I have stated my boundaries about the situation, I have shown her my text message threads with my friend/ex to show that our interactions were not innappropriate...and she still takes issue with her.

Ahh, No!

You owe this chicklet nothing more! This is really getting out of hand.  She has NO rights to your phone, you should not have to go on & on about this. As for her 'threats', again. NOPE!

So, WHY are you tolerating this crap? And from some gal you've only been involved with for 6 mos?  Geeze.  I've dated guys for 3+ yrs and NEVER touched their phones.

Tell me, honestly.  What would you say to a buddy of yours, if you saw him having to experience this with a 'new girlfriend'?  Wouldn't you suggest he take a step back and take a good look at the whole picture?  To get out of this toxicity before it ruins him?

Be done with her - she'll tear you & your friends down to shreds, as long as you let her. 😕 

 

 

[dudelikewhoa]

25 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

It obviously sounds like jealousy and insecurity on her end.  Was there a reason she knows this friend is an ex - from long ago? 

Ahh, No!

You owe this chicklet nothing more! This is really getting out of hand.  She has NO rights to your phone, you should not have to go on & on about this. As for her 'threats', again. NOPE!

So, WHY are you tolerating this crap? And from some gal you've only been involved with for 6 mos?  Geeze.  I've dated guys for 3+ yrs and NEVER touched their phones.

Tell me, honestly.  What would you say to a buddy of yours, if you saw him having to experience this with a 'new girlfriend'?  Wouldn't you suggest he take a step back and take a good look at the whole picture?  To get out of this toxicity before it ruins him?

Be done with her - she'll tear you & your friends down to shreds, as long as you let her. 😕 

 

 

Thank you for your response! 

To be clear, she did not go through my phone - Having nothing to hide, I offered it up in an attempt to stabilize her concerns and she sat there for minutes on end scrolling back through our text history, as if she was looking for clues to an unsolved mystery.  After not finding anything, she still remained upset and left my house this morning with an upset/angry demeanor.  

[dudelikewhoa]

33 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

You are stuck.  Nothing good rarely comes from having ex's as friends.

But you dated 13 years ago so clearly she is just your good friend and you should not have to choose.

I have a feeling from what you described that even if you did choose your gf and stopped all contact with your friend it wouldn't be enough.

 It sounds like at 6 months her true self is emerging and it isn't your fault for being a stand up guy and helping a friend stay alive.

  Take a step back and see your gf for who she is when things are not so good, that is the person you are in a relationship with.  Anyone can be lovely when things are happy and perfect.

 Threatening to break up is emotional black mail.  I don't think you can win with your gf no matter what you do or decide.  At 6 months the true colors usually come out and if it wasn't your friend being the catalyst it would have been something else.

Lost

Thank you.  I agree that I am stuck.  And I agree that my ex should not be an issue.  This has been one of the biggest issues in our relationship...otherwise we are lovely.  We even went on a 2 week road trip together, battling snow storms stuck in a car together and had no arguments...working together as a team.  This is why I have been apprehensive to just - end it...without exhausting aid.  Perhaps couples therapy could help.  I don't know - I am just sad and lost.

[Kelly1988]

How often are you And your ex/friend texting? Your girlfriend must of knew of y’all’s friendship before you started dating. And what off wall stuff did your ex say? 
 

[dudelikewhoa]

Just now, Kelly1988 said:

How often are you And your ex/friend texting? Your girlfriend must of knew of y’all’s friendship before you started dating. And what off wall stuff did your ex say? 
 

We speak about once every couple weeks, catching up via text.  Average stuff.  Work/life update...checking in etc.  We haven't hung out in months and when we did, it was with her boyfriend.

"And what off wall stuff did your ex say?" - according to my current girlfriend, when we all got together to go to a Halloween party back in October...she referred to me as her ex (as opposed to her friend) a couple times and just generally did not have a basic filter.  For example, oversharing about how her boyfriend and her got into an argument etc. Like I mentioned, since her near-death experience...her conversation filter is a bit damaged.  This made my current gf uncomfortable because she said "I just met her.  She was oversharing." essentially.

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, dudelikewhoa said:

To be clear, she did not go through my phone - Having nothing to hide, I offered it up in an attempt to stabilize her concerns and she sat there for minutes on end scrolling back through our text history, as if she was looking for clues to an unsolved mystery.  After not finding anything, she still remained upset and left my house this morning with an upset/angry demeanor.  

Okay, but you are still being too nice about all of this.  There's no excuse for HER acting out this way.  You two have a past, that's it.  You've come to realize over time that you're okay as friends.

2 hours ago, dudelikewhoa said:

Whenever an argument is started about this, and she threatens to break-up when I state my boundaries about the subject...and I don't say feed into it (letting her have small tantrums)...she says I am choosing sides.  It makes me so upset and also makes me so sad because aside from the issues I stated -- we get along so great!  The other night, out of nowhere, she brings her up and starts accusing me of not sharing updates about my friend and "omitting" things.

This will continue til you're blue in the face!  I'm telling you now - for your own sanity, Get Out of this.

She is NOT appreciative, she's giving you altimatums, attempts to control you & threats.  Tell me how you see any of this ever being okay for her?

This is toxic for you 😕 .  Please realize this. ( And IMO, at this rate, you'll be 'trauma bonded' soon enough - thru her control and instability, being how you 'adore' her... ).

Don't lose yourself in this kind of crap.  If someone is 'good' for you, you won't feel bad, you won't lose your friends or your self respect.  But, you'll feel good about it all and yourself.

 

 

[Kelly1988]

It’s only 6 months in, might be best to get out now as It’s unlikely things can work out at this point. She obviously alreasy very threatened by your friend and you don’t want to give your friend up. 

[MissCanuck]

This relationship isn't going to work. 

Even if you cut your ex off forever and completely, your girlfriend will find reasons to pick at you and make her insecurity your problem. You have done what you can to reassure her, and none of it has worked. 

Time to break up and be done with this. It's already too dysfunctional. 

[Kwothe28]

And that is why you dont stay friends with exes. Even if you are just friends, it creates a problem in a long run. Because to the outside world, it does seem weird that you did all that stuff for her. And that you are even her emergency contact. Along with her casually telling people how she is your ex. With that kind of behavior its easy to think one or other isnt there for friendship reasons. 

On the other hand your girfriend is an insecure mess

4 hours ago, dudelikewhoa said:

Asking me if I love her then acting like she doesn't believe me (in a "cute" way), down talking her looks, asking me if I love her even though I could "get hotter women" or coincidentally having an ailment (i.e sad, a headache, muscle pain, depression) whenever we part ways and go back to our own apartments for a day or two after spending days together.   Then if I dont pay enough attention, compares me taking care of my friend with "not taking care of her" good enough.

These are the actions of very insecure people. Unrational jealousy, needing a validation from your partner, wanting attention etc. She is very insecure by default.

Also, I am sorry, but you are "too tactile" with her. You playing along and patronizing and assuring her would do nothing as you can see yourself. So I would suggest to just cut it out when it comes to subject. And to say that there is nothing going on and that you wont have the same argument all over again and that you wont have question you every other day about the same issue. This wont go away even if you get rid of the friend. Only way this would go away is if you be stern with your girlfriend and closing the argument for good. Even if that means she will get mad or leave. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, dudelikewhoa said:

 Perhaps couples therapy could help

Sorry this is happening. There seems to be a few things going on. At 6 mos in you're both assessing each other, compatibility and the relationship. You're noticing a few issues about her insecurities,etc 

Seek out private and confidential therapy for yourself. 6 mos is not the time for couples therapy.

You seem to have a trauma bond with this friend and unfortunately presented her as an ex that comes as a package deal. This is something best sorted out by yourself in therapy.

It may be time to reflect and assess a lot of things including your friend's "lack of filter" and how that impacts you.

While your current relationship may or may not work out depending on compatibly, her personality,etc. in general, you do need to address the trauma bond and attachment to this friend. 

If someone new comes into your life, generally, they're not going to be thrilled that you and your ex are a package deal.  With therapy you can unpack and sort out this trauma bond and develop appropriate boundaries without creating conflicts in your life.

So unfortunately it's not as simple as you can't have friends, which is not the case here, since she's ok with your other exes as friends.  

Individual private and confidential therapy could also help you sort out if this is the right GF/relationship for you given all the arguments and drama within just 6 mos .

[JTCW]

You haven't done anything wrong. You are a great guy. Your gf is heavily manipulating you and it's not going to get any better. She will eventually have you cut out your friend altogether, but it still wont help. She is very insecure about your friend, probably about any woman you interact with. In time this is only going to get worse. She is making you very unhappy so I think the best thing you can do is go your separate ways. It will never work.

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, dudelikewhoa said:

We speak about once every couple weeks, catching up via text.  Average stuff.  Work/life update...checking in etc.  We haven't hung out in months and when we did, it was with her boyfriend.

"And what off wall stuff did your ex say?" - according to my current girlfriend, when we all got together to go to a Halloween party back in October...she referred to me as her ex (as opposed to her friend) a couple times and just generally did not have a basic filter.  For example, oversharing about how her boyfriend and her got into an argument etc. Like I mentioned, since her near-death experience...her conversation filter is a bit damaged.  This made my current gf uncomfortable because she said "I just met her.  She was oversharing." essentially.

I see both sides. You should not give up your friend.  You also should not let any of your friends act in a disrespectul or rude way to your partner.  You should have her back.  This is your friend and it's unfair to expect her to endure that/stand up for herself. I mean oversharing about her own bf- your gf can walk away but if she keeps referencing the past relationship -not cool even if it's part of a mental health disorder -if it makes your partner uncomfortable.   I totally can see how a platonic friend would help a friend as you did for her - no need to assume romantic feelings.  What you did was heroic.

[boltnrun]

What exactly does your current girlfriend expect you to do? What is she asking for (or demanding)? 

[smackie9]

Take the blinders off, your GF isn't all that great. She seems to create unnecessary drama, communicates by being passive aggressive and this is at 6 months of dating. I know you are crazy about her, but if I was your mother I would tell you, you deserve better, and don't put up with this behavior. You are not wrong in keeping this wonderful friendship with your ex. You should never let anyone make you give that up. I think your GF is cruel and hurtful. You need to find someone that is as accepting and kind like yourself. You did an amazing thing and speaks volumes about who you are, and she can't see that, and that's pretty damaging. 

[Lambert]

I have to agree with those saying, you're seeing what your girlfriend really is-- immature, insecure and manipulative.  

I don't think what you did to help your friend is all that extreme.  I don't mean to downplay what you did, saving her life and all.  But it's all very understandable.  It's your girlfriend that is the oddball.  

I would have a heart to heart talk with your girlfriend.  Maybe you two are not best friends, not compatible, not meant for the long haul.  

It's completely unattractive to be so insecure and needy.  At 34 she should be more together.  I think if you entertain her poor behavior, you will just get more of it.  

[tattoobunnie]

I am more bothered by the fact that she questions why you would help save another human being's life.

Keeping in constant contact with your ex thing, I'd side with her, but not helping someone live, I would not want a person like this in my life.

She is not the one for you.

[dudelikewhoa]

9 hours ago, boltnrun said:

What exactly does your current girlfriend expect you to do? What is she asking for (or demanding)? 

This is not clear.  She keeps saying "I am not asking you to not be friends with your ex...I just want to be heard."  and then I listen and hear her, but there is never a resolve.  It is just "She makes me uncomfortable.".  I listen and she can never really say what she wants out of it.  It is just a never-ending topic that feels like a catch-22.  Frankly, it is exhausting.

[Jibralta]

It sounds like a couple of things are going on here. Yes, it's clear that your girlfriend has insecurities. But it also seems like you feed into that. You are "pleading with her" and "stating your boundaries," but the truth is, you are not actually enforcing your boundaries. If you did, this dynamic would stop. Either the relationship would end or she would straighten out. Nobody can make you do something that you don't want to do. If you don't like this dynamic, stop participating in it. It takes two to tango, as they say.

[Andrina]

53 minutes ago, dudelikewhoa said:

It is just a never-ending topic that feels like a catch-22.  Frankly, it is exhausting

It really is the same for any ongoing issue a couple never resolves. When a relationship is more upsetting than satisfying, it's the wrong relationship for you.

And it's ridiculous to go to couples counseling 6 months in. The whole purpose of dating is to vette a partner. Doesn't the idea to seek counseling during the infatuation stage tell you something important?

Your dating pool will be smaller since you say you are friends with many exes, and there are a percentage of women not comfortable with that. But it's your choice how to navigate your life, so make sure you keep cutting off women early who try to punish you for how you choose to run your social life.

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, dudelikewhoa said:

This is not clear.  She keeps saying "I am not asking you to not be friends with your ex...

This is EXACTLY what she expects. 

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, dudelikewhoa said:

She keeps saying "I am not asking you to not be friends with your ex...I just want to be heard."

I am quite sure that is exactly what she wants. 

She won't come out and say it, but I think she'd be delighted if you cut her off. You need to reconsider your entire relationship, as it's clear she is going to continue holding this over your head and punishing you for it. That is terribly unhealthy and is indicative of her immaturity. If she isn't comfortable, she needs to dump you rather than repeatedly make you pay. 

Your friend also needs to be mindful of the fact that the women you date aren't going to love her referring to you as her ex over and over. Your current girlfriend isn't totally off-base on that one. 

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, dudelikewhoa said:

This is not clear.  She keeps saying "I am not asking you to not be friends with your ex...I just want to be heard."  and then I listen and hear her, but there is never a resolve.  It is just "She makes me uncomfortable.".  I listen and she can never really say what she wants out of it.  It is just a never-ending topic that feels like a catch-22.  Frankly, it is exhausting.

Yep, and sorry, but this isn't going to get any better. When you're exhausted enough, you'll know exactly what to do.