dudelikewhoa

Perhaps! However, it is probably not healthy for me to think about that. I understand she does not want to continue. That is why I ended the conversation with: I hear you. I understand you. I don’t want this. I love you. I accept your decision and I am not going to continue to try and change your mind. I would never want to keep someone who doesn’t want to keep me. And that was how it was left. I have no intention on reaching out or responding unless she has something substantial to say. It just sucks.

A little context: If I am understanding you properly. She never wore her insecurities on her sleeve from the start. She had this air that she was healthy, into therapy, into hiking, was not a jealous type etc. I've known her in passing for years. She is a friend of a friend. Always the sweetest person to talk to. I remember looking in her eyes and having this strange, deja vu type feeling that we knew each other or we would meet again or something important would happen? It sounds weird. But then we re-connected naturally and this turned into one of the most important relationships of my life. The insecurities started to come out after we started dating. She is flawed. I can tolerate some level of bulls**t and have my own boundaries. I would say that she only did a few things that really made question the relationship. The female friendship thing and the IG thing. mainly. Other than that, I felt like our conflict resolution could of easily been improved with some techniques in couples therapy. Also, once she got settled with me -- she stopped hiking (because I didn't hike which is not an excuse) and in a round about way blamed me, she stopped going to personal therapy (which she raved about), she stopped going to the gym, she got lazy. Those are her things to hold up. I wonder if that made her feel unhappy and she could not face her own accountability for that. I digress -- When I used the foundation analogy I felt like I meant that it never felt like the foundation was detrimentally compromised. It just felt like it could be patched up. Her side of that foundation comment was that: "There’s a usable foundation but it’s a house without a roof and the rainfall is eroding the foundation." and I said "I have been on a ladder actively working on the roof — and I am hellbent on finishing it." and she replied "You see yourself working on the roof but you don’t see that I’m cold and shivering and unwell.". I don't know. Maybe me writing is helping me process through this. A friend of mine feels like she sounds like she is retroactively memory re-writing about all of the punctuations about unhappiness. Because she only exhibited unhappiness in the moments of conflict -- and in between all of the 100's of days was ecstatic to talk to me daily, would want to game with me at night until we fell asleep and would throw her arms around me, falling asleep like a baby. That doesn't show signs of someone battle through months and months of unhappiness. That is why I feel confused -- unless she was putting on the performance of a lifetime.

Thank you. That is a very good analogy and I will 100% put thought into that.

I hear you but I have to disagree a bit. I do not think a text messaging break-up was a loving way to end something that was 1.5yrs and very deep and intimate - nearing moving in with each other. Saying all the 'love you tremendously' etc etc -- that is not a respectful way to leave something that was so important to her. I did not call her yet because the way she left things we're very ugly with the berating, insulting texts. So I was giving it time. She literally texted me while I was on a job, out of town. There was no true space for a call. I hear what she is saying fully. We don't argue every single time we have a difficult conversation. I think this is a different beast. She is making assumptions over spontaneous conflicts. I generally think break-ups are for the best because they obviously need to happen for one person or both. If you love someone, you should always be willing to let them go. I was not unhappy with her as a whole...my unhappiness was circumstantial and based on specific incidents. I was always willing to work on things. we agreed previously about taking a couple's therapy session to work through some differences and she was on board...she just never did her part to help initiate that. I would never say this about any other relationship I have had. This feels premature and a waste of a good foundation.

No, we have separate homes. Im on a work trip. She texted me this. No call. Just text.

Agreed. Not sure I will hear from her again. Perhaps time will help her realize what has truly happened and will have to come to terms with a life without me. Regardless, I will keep working on myself. 😕

UPDATE: Well, she reached back out to me and apologized in one line. "I’m really sorry for being so harsh. I was just so incredibly hurt and upset on a much grander scheme than just an argument. It was the pain of feeling like I could never truly get through to you about what I needed from you in our relationship. It just so often felt like you weren’t hearing me, you were talking over me, your thoughts and opinions and need to be right greatly overshadowed any request from me." Like I mentioned before I am a work in progress and have been and will continue to be in therapy to improve my shortcomings, including any communication skills I can improve on. She knew that and was always expressing happiness and optimism about it. Not phoned in optimism, but expressed with affection. Then she goes on to BREAK UP WITH ME... "I don’t want that last talk to be the way it goes down between us, and I hope you understand that I’m really horribly upset that this is happening. Despite everything, I love you tremendously and you are a good person with a good heart. I will miss your friendship and companionship more than you realize." Well, that was the last talk -- being that she decided to flush our nearly 1.5 year deep relationship down the toilet via a text message while she knew I was on a job. "I don’t think you’d feel the need to tell someone more than once how impossible to please they are or that they’re difficult if you WERE happy." I did tell her I felt she was "being" hard to please. I was happy. I can be happy and simultaneously bothered by something and willing to put in the work. I am not black & white. "It hurts very bad because I love you, and because I love you, I feel it would be unfair of me to keep you with me as a person who has become unhappy with this relationship because you don’t deserve that either." How can someone go through months and months and months of being giddy to talk to me on a daily level, wanting to crawl in bed with me and wrap her arms around me be so unhappy? I was not unhappy aside from the occasional fights that we were working through. Otherwise, I was and still am massively in love and was willing to fully go to bat for us. I respond with a text about how I was highly disappointed that she decided to do this by text message. And that I respect her wishes while making it clear that I still love her and I am not sure this is what I want. She goes on to respond multiple times...keeping the conversation going for nearly 90 minutes with messages like: "A good relationship is work - but it’s not work like this and we both have to be realistic about that." I can't buy into this. We weren't at each others throats daily. We averaged every 3-4 months having an important argument. And more simple, trivial arguments about one a month. Aside from that, we were inseparable. We laughed with each other daily and were each other's best friend. "I don’t want that to be true, but it is and any person in a healthy long term relationship will tell you that." Most people I know in long term relationships will say it's hard work and not always balloons and flowers. Warts and all, as they say. Think and thin, as they say. "After what happened on our anniversary, I think it really broke something in me that I could never quite recover as much as I wanted to or tried. It caused me to be unhappy and I started to feel resentment for the fact that it took something that made me feel beyond terrible and the actual reality of losing me to hear me about going to therapy." This part I understand -- it was about an incident nearly five months ago where we had a trivial argument 2 days before our one year anniversary where she was being extremely dismissive and sarcastic and I got frustrated and broke it off with us for about approximately five minutes, I instantly cooled off and apologized for saying such a thing and that I did not mean it. It was too late and she had an emotional meltdown. It was wrong and not my best moment. It took her a month to seemingly forgive me and for us to get fully back on track. That was our true rough patch and it signaled me to get back to therapy so that I am not so verbally reactive. But we seemed to have been working through it. Not in a delusional manner, but mutually expressed with happiness by her. Then we went on an amazing trip to NYC together. I go on to say a different version of what I said prior, that I hear her but was equally willing to try and that I feel like she is walking away from a good foundation and that I am not interested in a breakup. But again, I understand and will respect her wishes. She continues on: "I can’t be in denial anymore. I’m not happy. I’m sorry that it came to all this and I really wish it could have worked. I’ve stopped believing it would or could ever change and it’s not fair to either of us to live with unhappiness. I love you tremendously, but the degree and severity of the recent fights was never comfortable for me. I am exhausted and I just don’t have it in me and it really breaks my heart." I repeat that I take what she says to heart and I remind her of my stance saying: "I hear everything you say and I want you to know that I don’t take it lightly. Things sucked at times and were great most of the time. When the bad would arise, I would say to myself — we love each other so damn much. Why is this one part so dumb? However, I have to employ the thought process of ‘not letting the good be the enemy of the perfect’. You are and were worth it to me. I’m a full work in progress with conflict resolution and I know I need to pull my head out of my ass sometimes and I work that daily. I hear you. I understand you. I don’t want this. I love you. I accept your decision and I am not going to continue to try and change your mind. I would never want to keep someone who doesn’t want to keep me." And that's that so far. She did not respond to that last response and I will not be reaching out beyond that. I know I was upset about this incident -- but this stings. Reality has set in that she in ending us, via text. My sister seems to think she is possibly bluffing and wanting validation that I want to be with her and that she is saying all of this to me and then contradicting herself and hiding behind text messages to avoid dealing with “another argument” and she might be testing me. It’s as if she has convinced herself of some narrative, can’t hold herself accountable, and knows that if she has a conversation with me, she will have to question the narrative she’s concluded is right, and risk holding herself accountable. Easier to do things this way so she doesn’t have to “be exhausted” by dealing with it or my side of things. I am not sure I agree with my sister. But she is pretty intuitive and knows how much my girlfriend was in love with me. Anyways, I guess that is the end of it for now. I am sitting here in a hotel, on a work trip unable to sleep. Pure heartbreak and sadness has not set in yet. I am just jaw dropped that someone so hell bent on always talking or being face to face on difficult subjects, who expressed such deep love for me: broke up with by a freaking text message. 😞 Wow.

Yeah, Its a good point. I should of just shut my mouth and listened to her gripe. Instead, I was exhausted by the fact that she was having a week-long irritable state because of a pinched nerve in her neck and just went into defense mode since I had been so accommodating the entire day. She told me not to take her injury irritability personally - but her energy had went from loving to vaguely distant right after our Thanksgiving trivial argument that it made me start to feel like, perhaps, she was starting to check out of the relationship. But that could be a projection. For example, when we make weekly hang out plans...she always jumps to want to be together. She started to be like : "We hang out alot. I have things to do." -- which is FINE with me! But her delivery of her statement came across more curt than casual.

This is fantastic advice and a lovely story to relate to. I def need to practice this! Thank you!

I appreciate that. I know that I need to work on my listening and patience skills. Devils advocate : Perhaps the interjecting comments over her venting is making her feel unheard in the relationship and she is reaching a breaking point. It's our biggest communication hurdle. We both love to talk and we both want to take the steering wheel during conflict.

I am on a trip and it is helpful for sure. She did not block me on social media. I don't know if she blocked my texts because I haven't messaged her since she was berating me over text during the incident and she wasn't respecting my wishes to stop messaging me. So I don't know - I doubt it. There has just been radio silence. Our text message thread is just a wall of texts of her going off on me the other night.

Thank you for this. I had a chance to ingest your comment and found it encouraging. In relation to this comment, I am not sure I want to remain. I am struggling. I don't even know if it is an option. This all happened so suddenly and fast that I am genuinely flabbergasted. She dropped a bomb on us. We'll see what happens. Yes, I agree and most always go silent in cases where someone is misbehaving or when a breakup occurs. My mind is so blown by how she acted (yes, she has had her moments but this was particularly intense) that even though it has only been 2 days since it happened, it feels like 5 days and I am left thinking: "Is she going to even reach out to apologize or even just close it out?!". Right now, it just feels depressing and that I will never hear from her about this. This is truthful - I did find that she was more pleasant when she was in therapy. I feel like she spiraled. I hope that resonates and marinates with her. I truly do. She has always been so very head over heels about me on our good days (which is most of the time). I'm starting to think she hates me now...which is sad...because it is not like I did something worthy of that in the least bit. Annoyed? Yes. Perhaps, over it? Possibly. The level of vitriol she spat at me even after I was not responding...was so hateful. 😕

I hear you. I do not think anyone is a "demon". She can be volatile when she is pushed in conflict, then she will character assassinate you as a defense mechanism. I definitely take the bait and escalate because it gets under my skin when I am accused of something that I did not do. It is something I am actively working on.

It is a great question! You make valid points. I don't know, I just help people. It's just knee-jerk. I have never examined it. When my friend was dying in the hospital of liver and kidney failure I just decided to help advocate with her partner and her mother for 10 months across 6 hospitals and it resulted in a life saving double transplant. I wasn't thinking about why I did that - I just did. It wasn't fun either. Do I think it makes me a better person? I don't know! I hope so! I am more satisfied that someone did not die a slow death at the hands of a crappy hospital system. But I cannot say that about myself - that I am a better person. One can only hope they live this life as a good human. I do think respectful "no's" could be healthy when I am feeling overwhelmed, yes.

I am fine with being alone. After my last long term relationship (she became an alcoholic after her father passed, caused hell and then left me for her co-worker), I chose to be (mostly) single for 3 years to focus on myself and make better decisions. I have to clarify that everyone loved us together and aside from her mouth when she is angry and some double standards - otherwise - she is the healthiest person I have ever been with. I have no interest in being her "hero" but maybe it came off that way. My therapist seems to think I want to help people too much. So maybe subconsciously? I don't know.

Thank you all for the responses! I am left wondering if she will ever reach out and apologize for the way she left things. Yes, she has had bad patches but she has almost always came back with a day or so to patch up what happened and talk. This last streak of heartbreakingly mean messages were really hurtful. I do not believe I deserved that level of verbal vitriol. I know she wouldn't like to leave that in that manner. I only ask this to the ether not because I necessarily want her back (I haven't had enough time to make a proper decision if the opportunity arises) but I think after a deeply loving year and a half relationship (aside from these bad hiccups) where we were so close to moving in with one another and even had marriage thoughts - one would expect a bit of closure?! Am I crazy for thinking that?! I truly think an apology is due but I will not hold my breathe on that one. I just feel like clarity and closure is not a lot to ask -- but I have no intention on reaching out to her. Thoughts?

Hmm. I was not at her beck and call per say. I was just on auto-pilot and trying to be a good, helpful partner. I am not defending her by saying she is generally low maintenance on that front and fairly down to earth. She is a bit more of an arty, nerdy, shy type...not some entitled rich brat...she just has a mean streak when she has to deal with conflict...and it is cutting. I think the benefits I got were a lot of not much. Hugs, awws, thank you's and some reciprocation at times. But I think I also enabled her to be more accepting than giving - then she would take me for granted and if a basic, standard, run-of-the-mill argument happens - she resents me saying that I never have to do things for her again and that it won't buy her affection...which was never the intention...I just love her and LIKE her as a person (aside from this massive flaw). So, I dunno. I feel lost and confused over it.

I hear you. If that is the case...it breaks my heart even more. I feel taken for granted and manipulated. 😞

Yeah. The 'martyr' comment is interesting because she has accused me of doing that in the past. I try to be a helpful person. Sometimes I almost feel like I am too helpful. I always rationalized doing things like: making coffee in the morning, making breakfast for us, walking her to her car when she is at my house because it is street parking and I live in a metropolitan city, carrying her heavy overnight bags because she has back issues...etc etc. Too me, those are just basic things and I am not doing them for a score. One time, we were having a disagreement about something or another, and in so many words she made me feel like I was a bad boyfriend for interjecting in the argument and I mistakingly was like :"Wow, I beg to differ! I do my best! I am there for you and I help with X, Y and Z.."...blah blah blah. She went on to tell me I was a martyr and I don't need to do anything for because she has gotten by for 34 years without me. I just felt that my caring for the "little things" is self evident. She has never let me down about that comment and loves to bring it up only in an argument when it is convenient for her. Otherwise, she has no problem accepting my love and help and shoulder on a day to basis lol.

Yeah, again - you are not wrong. When I say I was there for her "night and day" - I just mean I am present. I am there for her when she needs me. Which is - a lot. I hate sounding cruel, because despite it all, I still can't turn off of being in love overnight...but she is very needy and has problems managing her own expectations. Ugh. This all is a huge let down. I feel like I have worked so hard at this relationship - and for what? A brutal Jekyll & Hyde-level assassination? I'm too old for this type of stress.

Haha I am a work in progress with multitasking if I am being honest with myself! But I hear your point. You are not wrong. I should empower myself to say "no" more often. She asked me nicely to wake her up. The classic - "Babe, please make sure I don't sleep in" thing. But that is not my responsibility at the end of the day.

Thank you again. I find the analogies and comparisons to be very helpful. I want to be clear, I know I am not always perfect. I know I can be a pain in the butt at times. She is making it out like I have been the world's worst partner for what? Interjecting in conversations or not letting her trample me with dark criticism? I try my very best and I am always there for her, night and day. Im not cruel. I am loyal. I don't deserve this. I truly think she is working through past relationship traumas and has disruptive trigger points that amplify conflict tothe red zone when it does not even need to be at that level.

I think there must be a misunderstanding. I did not get defensive about her asking me to wake her up. That was the night prior. I said I will do my best. I woke up and had to focus on packing my things and taking my own morning shower etc. I woke her up as soon as I was finished, which was about an hour past our planned schedule. Then I went and walked to get her coffee and she took her sweet time getting out of bed. She was just on her phone and complaining that her neck was hurting, having a long winded chat with her brother and was generally being very irritable when I was trying to be sweet and ask her if she needed anything. That is why the day ran late. She then later, tried to make it my fault. When I called her out for that, she back peddled and told me I was a bad listener and shifted the conflict to something else. Before her doing that, I remained calm and listened to her while she was progressively huffing and puffing and getting bothered because she felt like she did not have time to dye her hair before the holiday party, despite us not having to be there for hours. Honestly, I feel like this was possible sabotage - or perhaps a subconscious sabotage. I feel as if she did not want me to go this party with her in the first place and was "looking for a reason". I know it is easy to see that I would thrive on drama because I have come to this forum for help in the past, but I do not thrive on it. I dream of a day that drama is minimized to situational and manageable events. Not blown up like this. I try my best to keep the peace. Those scenarios I posted about here were months and months ago. It's not a constant occurrence.

Also, I feel like I need to express that whenever I tell her that her harsh reactions are inappropriate and how I do not deserve it...she accuses me of victimizing myself. I think there is a difference between victimization and general defense when someone is being cruel or projecting on to you. She accuses me of "constantly pushing" because why? I don't lie down and let her tear me apart when she is frustrated? Sticking up for myself and having self-respect when someone is sloppily tearing your character apart is "pushing"? She told me: "You’re like a child poking a stick at something then crying about it when something gets upset." Why? For not letting someone trample me? Am I in the wrong for this? I genuinely want to know if defending yourself when someone is blame-shifting on you or criticizing you in a non-constructive manner is bad.

Yeah, you are not wrong. Only I see this side of her, for sure. Not even her family gets this side. And then, I am sure she vents to them a more one-sided account of things when this happens. I dont mean to make excuses. Last night was shocking and on a new level of cut to the bone angry. And then a total disconnect. She went from a narrative of love yesterday to easily saying 'I regret ever being with you". She has never ever went there like that. I am heartbroken and jaw dropped.