dudelikewhoa

Thank you for this and sorry about the flood! That was a very good example to make in this case. The 'behind closed doors relationship' comment was spot on as well. There were times when she was texting me last night that were just so angry and basically rewriting the narrative of our relationship -- as if it was so awful for her to deal with...and I had to be like: "I am shocked and sorry that you feel that way. You have only showcased to me that it was the complete opposite of that behind our closed doors. We were both there. I think you know that." Meaning, things are normally very tender, caring and sweet between us when there is not some sort of 'crisis' with her.

Thank you. The coin analogy is very helpful. I would never want to diagnose. My mother has shades of borderline personality disorder so I know what it is like. She isn't that extreme. However, she does feel hard to please at times. She tends to be going through some form of mild crisis weekly whether it is about work, not feeling well, not sleeping well, a back issue, a headache issue, or in this case...dissatisfied in how something is flowing between her and I. The hate you out of nowhere thing is disturbing. She has made jabs at me in the past during arguments, but they were never on the level of what she said to me yesterday. I am still in shock.

I don't intend on depicting her as "psycho". On a standard basis, she is not at all - but if she loses her patience for a challenging situation...she can easily wreak havoc on me verbally and have to reckon with the destruction she may have caused as if she is the Incredible Hulk. She says very damning and hurtful things and then later is like "Look, I am sorry but..." I do not claim that I am always calm and composed. I am not perfect. I have definitely been reactive or defensive to her getting frustrated on me in the past and it has not resulted in good conflict resolution. It is why I have been taking the initiative in therapy to be a better listener. I was, however, calm in this current scenario and she had a complete meltdown. In this scenario, it was like she had a hair trigger and just unloaded. All I did was defend myself for her trying to make her time management my fault. It was unacceptably unfair. When I defended myself - she accused me of not listening and lost her temper. And to clarify, this is not a knock down drag out fight every month, we had a normal fight the last two months. We haven't had, what one would call a more heated fight, in many months. Regardless, I hear you. Yes, it is the same woman.

Thank you for the words and support. I'm feeling so lost and hurt over this one. I know that is such a common cliche blah blah blah...but this feels a bit extra stabby (more than any cheating ex). Historically, she can sometimes be verbally fiery when a conflict gets challenging and has admitted to some 'cut-to-the-bone' style comments from time to time. For someone who pushes others to get therapy for shortcomings, she seems to want to ignore some bad defense mechanisms she has. Aside from that, I really need to exclaim that 95% of the time she is a sweet, loving, calm, understanding person and is so well loved in our community of friends. I truly adore this person and I truly feel like she was traumatized in some bad past relationships and now she is always on guard with her fists up. The problem is, I am normally a pretty easy to get-along-with person and do my best to take care of her in a respectful (non-pampering) manner. So, I think this relationship has made her feel like "What's the catch?!" I often think she sort of suffers from that quote: "Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good" - meaning - not to overthink or try to make something absolutely perfect, which might prevent you from accepting or appreciating something that is already good enough. Emphasizing the importance of finding a balance between striving for excellence and recognizing and appreciating what is achievable and satisfactory in a given situation.

Me and my girlfriend (Me 46, her 34) have been together for nearly a year and a half. We have had our ups and downs and some growing pains but we have been loyal and in-love on a daily basis. We got into a squabble a day after Thanksgiving over something so trivial it is hard to recall the details. We worked through it. Before that we hadn't had a fight in a month and before that it had been a few months. In between days since have been pleasant. CONTEXT: Since the last argument, which we agreed had a constructive resolution, she has been irritable and affected by a pinched nerve. She has been emotionally withdrawn, except she wants to talk daily as normal...and we love to game together at night. Last night, I was supposed to go out with friends and she was all of a sudden super loving and wanting my attention. I wound up cancelling my plans because I realized I had not yet packed for a work trip I am taking tomorrow and was overwhelmed. When she found that out she wanted to come over after work. Things were nice. I woke up before her and packed and showered and prepared for our day which included a store run which she wanted to join on and then our favorite annual holiday gathering this evening which we had planned in advance for before my work trip. I fetched some coffee for her and she took a lot of time getting out of bed today. We went for lunch and then our store errand together. When we were leaving, she started to stress about time. She wanted to grab some hair dye and have time to do that before the party. It was 5pm. She started to get very pessimistic. I remained calm and understanding. On the car ride home, she was getting impatient and kept repeating this as if it was an end-of-the-world scenario. I remained calm and understanding and even offered possible solutions to the stress. She remained pessimistic at every option I attempted to provide. I stayed calm and listened. Eventually after a lapse of silence, she goes on to tell me that she is frustrated because she feels her needs are put behind mine - and that she asked me to not let her sleep in and I wound up waking her up at 11am instead of 10am (I was dealing with my own morning lag). I told her that her schedule is her own responsibility and I do not understand why she is making into my fault. Then she tells me I am defensive and not listening - and then loses her patience and tells me she is cancelling our plans for the party. Things went south. I told her that I felt her decisions were irrational. We had a brief bickering point and then she loses her patience and screams at the top of her lungs, coursing her voice, "STOP TALKING TO ME!" I stop in my tracks and tell her that there is no need for that, in a relaxed manner. She then tells me that she is over this relationship. I tell her that I feel like she is being difficult. We argue again for a second and then stop and remain quiet. We go back to my place, she grabs her bag and calls an Uber. She walks to me in my room and tells me "If I am so difficult to be with - then I will do you a favor." Then she walks out, leaving. Fun plans cancelled. I have to leave on a work trip for 5 days in the AM. She has since texted me. It was another back and fourth, telling me she is over it. Mind you, I have been the best partner I have been able to be. I will admit I am not perfect. I can be reactive to criticism and can shut down when the going gets tough. I am working through those short-comings in therapy. She has expressed pride in me for doing so. This woman has verbally expressed her undying love for me on a daily basis. There isn't some hidden, abusive subtext. Just some minor issues navigating through conflicts when they arise. She goes on to utterly berate and annihilate me in text. Not the standard: "We need to talk this is not working out". Just a verbal unleash. Cruel at times. I told her that she made up her mind and that I respect her wishes but to please stop texting and berating me and that she is rubbing salt in the wounds. So, she doubles down and says really hateful things to me that I am too exhausted to even repeat. I am no stranger to break-ups being 46 and have been in a handful of long-terms in my life. I've had mutual break-ups, sudden break-ups that result in time apart then healthy friendships, I've been cheated on...but I have never had a 180 from a otherwise sweet and loving woman - and then turns on me like she despises me in a heartbeat. It genuinely feels mentally unsound to me. She continued to blow up my texts, saying unforgivable things long after I had stopped responding, telling me that I was playing a victim for telling her she is being hurtful and told me to "grow a pair". For clarity, I am no pushover - but I have boundaries for this sort of temper-tantrum behavior. Has anyone else ever experienced a mean and aggressive blindsiding scenario like this? I feel shocked, hurt and more lost from a "breakup" (Is it??! Confusion) than I have ever felt. Why won't she stop berating me? I have never done such a thing to her. 😞 EDIT: Also, I have to add that she won't explicitly say the words "I am breaking up with you" or anything of the like to be clear that it is her actual decision. Like...making it real. She just wanted to verbally smash me apart. I don't even know how to process.

Yeah, I agree with that. I am no longer going to follow anyone (man or woman) back unless I know them in real life. It is too much of a headache. The reaction is an issue. She has since shared this with her brother and her friends, with the context that, I followed a random 25 yr old. So, now we are taking a few days apart to think about things.

Well, that is just me making sure that the points are understood on the internet to strangers. I am just making sure the narrative is clear. The fact of the matter is that I was following and following a cluster of people back on Instagram. Harmlessly. Both men and women and other creative accounts. Then I didn't think anything of it. I do not interact with women online. Nothing. That is the end all - be all of that. I came on the site - because I wanted to make sure I was not wrong in my thinking of how this had unfolded.

Nah. I do not do that. None of that is within my character. This was at best blind scrolling behavior on social media. I am very loyal, I have not batted my eyes at other women, I don't talk or text other women inappropriately, I am not a 'gaze' guy...she has my undivided attention. We are connected at the hip - 80% of every week. The other 20% I am home, unwinding from work, relaxing and playing a video game here and there. There is none of that "reformed player" stuff. I have never even picked someone up at a bar in my past when single! Im not that type. I am fairly shy.

She does. Her point was "Why do you need to follow back?". It is a valid question, but I have been doing it mindlessly. When I followed this woman, I also followed a handful of men at the same time. It was not methodical. Now the narrative is - "You must be attracted to women in their 20's". The funny thing about it is - even if I was single, I did not find this women to be attractive or my type lol. It is all so ridiculous and untrusting being that I am very loyal.

Kind of. Not fully. She works in creative marketing.

Hahaha! As much as I think this meme is funny and agree with some of your angle...she is not a psycho-brat narcissist. In her normal state, she is pretty sweet, loving, laughing and very generous. On the flip, she CAN be very mean when she gets mad. It's like all bets are off when she feels wronged. And I become the past failed relationships that wronged her and is on a quest to stick up for herself and not be treated badly...but there is no 'warm' - it is just hot or cold with her. She can go from zero to 100 fast and will remain bull-headed about it. If you apologize, she will kick you while you are down then drag it out for a week. She can be very hurtful when she is mad. She will verbally and emotionally punish you. She will make fixable matters - unfixable. And then wonder why I am considering throwing in the towel. It is brain melting. That is my biggest issue at the end of the day. It sucks because I adore her the other 90% of the time. Just don't cross her...she becomes the Hulk. lol

No. She was in a cluster of other 'Follow Requests'. My personal account is private and I was just hitting 'Follow / Follow Back' mindlessly on both men and women. That's it. Then I went to bed and the next afternoon during work she was like "Who is this?".

What I want to know is: Is it wrong that I followed that person back?

Hmm. Isn't that abrasive or dismissive to just say : "You need to get help." ?? Maybe there is softer approach? Or do the 'kid gloves' need to come off?

Yeah. I mean, she straight up told me that she is over it and would love to get dinner with my ex/friend and her boyfriend. So, unless she is full of it...those are her words. The ballistic thing is absurd to me. It would be one thing if I was following porny accounts and liking risqué photos. That is shady. But I am not. I just accepted a follow request and followed back - from a group of people mind you. Men and women.

Me and my girlfriend (together for 1yr, I am 45, She is 34) have been working through a difficult fight we had a few weeks ago. It was my fault. I lost my patience with her and almost broke up with her -- and that upset her. I took full accountability for it and have been doing the work to heal us from it and even started into therapy to talk about some things outside of relationship that have been affecting my natural patience (i.e past trauma, family issues etc). Fast forward to the other evening, I was on Instagram. I have 2 accounts. My personal account which is an extension of my art and creative works and another account that is also a creative account that has a large following. Being that I have that, I get fans from the popular account wanting to follow my personal. I usually accept the follow requests and follow back blindly if they are mutuals and following my popular account. I don't even think about it. To be clear, I am not inappropriate on social media, I don't like women's thirst trap photos if they arise, I do not engage in conversation ever. I am very respectful. In the relationship, I am also a very loyal partner. I am in love with my partner and she has my undivided attention. I have plenty of shortcomings when it comes to needing to get better with communication and not be so reactive or defensive in conflict. I'm honestly working through it. -- But I am no creep and not a cheater. She has accused me of following women in their 20's for "perverted" reasons. She told me that I was lusting over them and that I want to have sex with them and I must be a creep. In no way am I doing that (I have receipts to prove that I am very tame on social media if need be for her - but I feel like that is murky territory allowing her to go through my account). These women, to be clear, are not like IG models in bikinis either. They are just normal artist types that are fans of my film account. I am sure they take selfies - but I can assure you there is nothing sexual there. No attraction. I don't use my personal account that much to even care. They DO NOT reach out to flirt nor do I - and more importantly nor do I want to. I am not liking their photos. Nothing. Zero, zip, nada. I think I see it as networking follows -- but maybe I need to filter my follows better? I can understand that part. She saw this through an account suggestion on her feed....saw that I was following a person and then she instantly told me I was a creep (prolly because she didn't like her feed and thought it was suspect) and then cancelled our vacation to NYC in October -- and refunded me the money for the ticket and cancelled the tickets!! Which I found to be impulsive and reactive and very messed up. Now she is being very cruel and saying awful things about me that are not based in reality, dogging on my age, sending me Venmo money for all of our past dinners recently and telling me we have nothing to talk about. I will take accountability when I make mistakes -- but this is a false accusation. I have done absolutely nothing inappropriate. I can forgive accusations that are false…we can talk through those things…but the cancelling plans — is weird. I have no history of this. Like I said before, I have given her nothing to think she should not trust me on that level. She just makes assumptions based on her past, failed relationships with crappy guys. I just don't feel I should be a target for that. I am standing my ground on this one. I have done nothing to warrant this level of intensity. I can't allow false accusations and assumptions to corrode things. Am I wrong for sticking up for myself? I am massively in love with her but - should I give her a time-out and hope for either an apology or a calmer conversation? This was so left field and out of nowhere, especially after re-bonding from an argument a few weeks back. Please, any healthy advice?

This is not clear. She keeps saying "I am not asking you to not be friends with your ex...I just want to be heard." and then I listen and hear her, but there is never a resolve. It is just "She makes me uncomfortable.". I listen and she can never really say what she wants out of it. It is just a never-ending topic that feels like a catch-22. Frankly, it is exhausting.

We speak about once every couple weeks, catching up via text. Average stuff. Work/life update...checking in etc. We haven't hung out in months and when we did, it was with her boyfriend. "And what off wall stuff did your ex say?" - according to my current girlfriend, when we all got together to go to a Halloween party back in October...she referred to me as her ex (as opposed to her friend) a couple times and just generally did not have a basic filter. For example, oversharing about how her boyfriend and her got into an argument etc. Like I mentioned, since her near-death experience...her conversation filter is a bit damaged. This made my current gf uncomfortable because she said "I just met her. She was oversharing." essentially.

Thank you. I agree that I am stuck. And I agree that my ex should not be an issue. This has been one of the biggest issues in our relationship...otherwise we are lovely. We even went on a 2 week road trip together, battling snow storms stuck in a car together and had no arguments...working together as a team. This is why I have been apprehensive to just - end it...without exhausting aid. Perhaps couples therapy could help. I don't know - I am just sad and lost.

Thank you for your response! To be clear, she did not go through my phone - Having nothing to hide, I offered it up in an attempt to stabilize her concerns and she sat there for minutes on end scrolling back through our text history, as if she was looking for clues to an unsolved mystery. After not finding anything, she still remained upset and left my house this morning with an upset/angry demeanor.

I have been dating my current girlfriend for over 6 months. She is 34 and I am 45. On nearly every level, we get along wonderfully. I love her immensely. We are like best friends. It has been lovely spending my time with her and I can safely say that she would say the same thing. Except for one thing...my close female friend of nearly 15 years who was once an ex. Now before anyone judges, let me explain this BACKSTORY. I dated my ex 13 years ago. We separated and wound up becoming very good friends. I have only platonic feelings for this person. She is like family. Over the pandemic, this person fell deathly ill with organ failure at the young age of 35. Myself, her boyfriend and her family just so happened to be around at the right time. I was not in any relationship and I was working remotely, so I was able to advocate for nearly a year to help this person (with her boyfriend and her mother) get an organ transplant. I nearly watched her die on life support until thankfully the transplant surgery was a success. I was then listed as a secondary emergency care giver. This was one of the most traumatic experiences in my life. I housed her boyfriend for months on end so he could be closer to the hospital, and helped them migrate into their new home and just offered support where I could. Slowly, they were able to regain their lives back and I could move on with mine. For those who ask, why would I do that? I have no idea. I just ran into the burning building without thinking and then I was just a part of the situation. If myself and her boyfriend were not there to push the hospital system, advocate and bring in additional medical opinions...she would not be here today. That is a fact since they originally were trying to put her in hospice. We all went through something VERY traumatic together and it brought us close together like family. Fast forward to this previous summer, I randomly reconnected (we were old acquaintances through a mutual friend) with my now current girlfriend. We bonded instantly and I shared everything with her. I told her everything about what I went through in the hospital and everything else. She was seemingly supportive and empathetic about it. Over time, she would ask more questions about it. "Why would you do that for someone that you aren't in love with?" etc etc. And would slowly become less empathetic about the subject. To be clear, I would never really bring it up. I have been trying to move past it. She brings it up for me, forcing me to relive it. It became clear that she thought that I helped my ex because I may be secretly in love with my her. Which is 10000% not the case. I understand why someone may think that, but nothing I say is good enough. I tried to get us all to hang out so there was no weirdness or threat. They seemingly got along well but I was wrong. My friend/ex has had a long road to recovery and is not always tactful and sometimes says weird stuff (she was intubated on life support for months and they think it may of affected some of the brain in subtle ways). Sometimes she has no filter. Apparently, while spending time with my current girlfriend at a Halloween party...she would bring up how I was her ex-boyfriend a few times and that made my current girlfriend uneasy. She thought she was acting "territorial". That one hang out with my ex/friend and her boyfriend with my new girlfriend, created a ripple effect and has started numerous amounts of fights about the subject. To the point where I have now put myfriend/ex at arms length distance. I have pleaded with my girlfriend, I have stated my boundaries about the situation, I have shown her my text message threads with my friend/ex to show that our interactions were not innappropriate...and she still takes issue with her. Even though they don't even interact nor has my friend/ex been in my life for the past 4-5months. I am friends with a few other ex's and she has no problem with them. She also has ex-boyfriends that she is friends with and I accept that. Additionally, since this...she has been showing some signs of insecurities. I.e. Asking me if I love her then acting like she doesn't believe me (in a "cute" way), down talking her looks, asking me if I love her even though I could "get hotter women" or coincidentally having an ailment (i.e sad, a headache, muscle pain, depression) whenever we part ways and go back to our own apartments for a day or two after spending days together. Then if I dont pay enough attention, compares me taking care of my friend with "not taking care of her" good enough. i.e "You would spend 2 years of your life helping this person who is "just a friend"...I don't feel like you would do the same for me." etc etc. To be clear, I absolutely adore her, love her and I am attracted to her otherwise. So this is alien to me. In no way am I engaging in an emotionally or physically inappropriate relationship with my friend. Whatsoever. I couldn't even imagine this. It pains me to not be closer to my friends whom I shared this terrible trauma with. It makes me feel like a bad friend. But that is on me to figure out. My current girlfriend has never told me I cannot be friends with them...but also makes me feel bad about what I did to help her in the hospital or judges me if I respond to a text from them. I cannot turn back time. This happened before she was in the picture! Am I wrong here? Whenever an argument is started about this, and she threatens to break-up when I state my boundaries about the subject...and I don't say feed into it (letting her have small tantrums)...she says I am choosing sides. It makes me so upset and also makes me so sad because aside from the issues I stated -- we get along so great! The other night, out of nowhere, she brings her up and starts accusing me of not sharing updates about my friend and "omitting" things. There has been nothing to share. We dont talk as much as we used to. This spiraled into a cruddy argument...it is 2 days before her birthday and we are currently not talking today. I have a strong feeling that she will call me later and double-down about her reasoning...forcing me to find a way to de-escalate and placate. I don't think I can keep doing that, even though I am very much in love with her. Aside from this issue, she is a LOVELY person. Mostly calm and sweet. I am struggling with this situation, as I want to maintain my friendship with my ex but also keep my current relationship intact. I feel like I am caught in the middle of this and have tried to be transparent with my girlfriend about everything, but she still accuses me of "choosing sides." I am unsure of what to do, as my girlfriend threatens to break up whenever we argue about this issue, and I feel like I am always having to de-escalate and placate her. In conclusion, I am seeking advice on how to navigate this complex situation. I feel like I am stuck and don't know how to resolve the situation without upsetting her. What am I doing wrong here? Please help!

Thank you for sharing this and I am so sorry you were going through such a terribly difficult time. Happy to hear that regardless of the ups and downs, that you were able to make it through and be here today. Depression is a mf'er. She may be using it as an excuse. There really is no way to tell. That being said, I should probably give out an UPDATE. Since last weekend, she finally reached out and called me. She could barely hold it together on the phone. She was crying and told me that she is having a very difficult time and spiraling into a deep depression. She shared with me that she has been pushing everyone away, including her other friends and parents. I told her that I understood and that we should take the pressure off her and take any sort of "romantic" thing that happened between us and just put it away for the time being, if not for good. I told her not to worry about it. I'd rather her tend to her mental health and get well if that is, in fact, what she is dealing with. My assumption is that she must have been going through some sort of escalating state that night, coupled with alcohol, the lines were blurred between friend and fantasy. The night turned into a mess and she probably woke up feeling badly about it, which triggered her depressive spiral to begin. I think I have been a pretty solid friend to her, especially after she was going through a breakup a few months back and that probably blurred the lines for her...causing confusion. I'm going to give her space and walk back...but not entirely check out of her life. I'll be there, as a friend, if she needs someone to talk to...but I really need to shift my boundaries with her immensely and move forward.

"Did you, whether subconsciously or not, have feelings for her prior to this that you never acknowledged to yourself?" When we first met, the night that a mutual friend introduced us, we spent hours talking about things we both like...mostly film and art. I recognized that she was very beautiful and sort of hit on her and asked for her number. I tried to get her to hang out but that never really clicked. I assumed she was not interested so I moved on and disposed of those feelings. About 8 months later, we started to become friends randomly after meeting each other again at a friends house. I did not really look at her that way again until the night she told me she had feelings and kissed me. So, I'm sure something was there...but it was not on the surface for me. "There is no need to try to work things out with someone who is hot and cold, doesn't matter how long you guys have been friends with, you not cutting the cord will send a signal to her that it's ok to treat you this way, whether you intend for that to happen or not." I definitely agree with this. I'm treading a little lightly because she is suffering from depression and I am starting to realize that may be attributed to her hot & cold behavior. Depression can cause people to self-sabotage things in their life...including friendships. So I am being mindful of that but also leaving her alone for my own well-being.

This is interesting and helpful. Her friendship flakiness, prior to this, never really bothered me much. It was more casual and never had a complicated issue or stakes attached to it. I agree it takes two. She is 100% hot/cold and it is sending terrible mixed messages in this scenario. I think you are right about letting it fade out. It's kinda sad because outside of all of this, we had a great wavelength kinship that both of us would always say made our friendship so unique and different over the past 5 years. Learned my lesson on this one...not to cross the line with friends unless it feels 100% right and healthy. Especially with ones that have potential personal & social issues. Makes me feel kind of used and discarded to be honest. C'est la vie, I suppose.