How to break up when you are afraid of being alone

[lilypad502239]

My (29F) boyfriend (31M) and I have been dating for 3 years. About 2 years has been long distance. We both live in the same state now but still 6 hours away from each other. He did not treat me well the first year and a half we dated, but I stayed with him trying to make it work. However, I think because of the many times he told me I was "too sensitive" whenever I brought up any kind of issue or concern about the relationship, the constant put-downs that I would get offended by (then being told that I couldn't take a joke), and various other times he never put me first have caused me to lose feelings for him. We recently took a "break" for one week, and he finally sent me flowers and wrote me a hand-written note (two things I have asked him to do our entire relationship but never did). However, the note pretty much blamed me for all the problems in our relationship- saying I always "nag him that it wears on him" and that "my own insecurities will be the downfall of this relationship". I am not sure who wouldn't be insecure dating him. I feel as though I have withered away by being with him. I used to travel all the time but haven't since dating him. I used to have a lot of friends but have pushed so many away (not so much because of him, but because of depression/isolation). I just feel like I have allowed him to ruin my confidence to the point that I am afraid to break up with him because I won't find anything better. After we took a break, he started seeing a therapist and has gotten better, but he has noticed that I have been distant. He wants to talk 24/7, and I used to answer all of his calls/texts, but I just don't want to anymore. He always complains about his job and just complains in general, and I have been struggling myself so I just tell him I can't listen to it. He gets upset with me and says that I should be there for him like he is there for me. I just cannot put up with hearing how horrible his job/life is, especially first thing in the morning. He tells me how mean I am to him now and how he has been "nice" and treated me better than I have treated him for "years". Well, just 6 months ago he told me to "Get ***ed" before getting off the phone in a fit of rage. Once we got off the phone, I texted him that he cannot talk to me like that and his response was "go *** yourself". I need to find the courage to break up with him, but it has been very difficult. I feel like I will not find better and my age is a concern as well as I will turn 30 this year. I guess I am just scared of being alone. I also feel like it is my fault the relationship is not working, but deep down, I know it's not. Any advice will help. Thank you so much in advance.

[Kwothe28]

I remember you. Boyfriend is in addition to all that, a deadbeat dad of 2. 

Anyway, I dont know its because of his abuse, or just your own mental health issues that you have so low opinion on yourself, but think you can do better then abusive deadbeat dad of 2. That is literally the bottom of the barrel. And that staying there would be absolutely detrimental on your own life. So, gather the strenght and break up. In addition to that, you need to fix your own mental health. Messy people have a way of finding other messy people. So, there is no guarantee that the next one wont be the same as this one. Unless you work on yourself and try to avoid the same mistakes. You are not old, you are not even 30. You still have plenty of time to work on yourself and find a suitable partner. 

[Jaunty]

Please put away the comparative concept of "find better."  You are in a destructive relationship.  Being alone would absolutely be "better."  Having a boring boyfriend you don't even like who stares at a screen 24/7 and never speaks to you would be "better."  None of that is pertinent.  You need to stop accepting this, and you also need to understand that THIS is exactly what the guy you're with has to offer you.  Nothing more.  He will NOT "change" within the context of this relationship. No way.

[boltnrun]

What exactly is so frightening about being "alone"? Do you live alone and fear being the victim of a crime? Do you think some catastrophe will befall you if you don't have a boyfriend who lives six hours away?

Or do you consider yourself a boyfriend-less loser if you're single?

If it's none of those things and it's just because you don't think you'll find anyone else and therefore feel you deserve a life sentence of being verbally abused, I can tell you that your perception is inaccurate.

What I always ask people is...imagine 50 more years of being in this relationship. Does that make you feel warm, loved, content, secure and happy? Or does it seem more like a prison sentence?

I can guarantee you will not find a loving relationship with the right man if you choose to cling to this one out of fear. 

Please leave this dead end relationship and reconnect with friends and loved ones. I promise you will feel so free! It will be like a dark cloud disappearing and the sunshine coming out once you detach yourself from that man. 

[Jaunty]

In fact, since this is now long distance, you are in a good position to take this step.  I don't mean to minimize the difficulty of breaking up, especially (as bizarre as this may seem) when it's so dysfunctional.   You're beaten down and can't feel any strength inside of you.  But, you really can do it.   

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you are so afraid of being "alone" -you wouldn't be alone you'd simply not be able to tell the outside world you have a "boyfriend" - do you really have a boyfriend now? Is he even a friend? By your definition of "alone" I'd say you're "alone" right now.  You're not going to find someone who treats you with respect? 

[Starlight925]

3 months ago, you received great advice when you posted:

https://www.enotalone.com/topic/454552-my-boyfriend-lashses-out-any-time-i-bring-up-any-concerns-i-have-about-our-relationship/#comment-5768558

Today, you've received great advice on your current post.

3 months from now, and 3 years from now, and 10 years from now, you'll receive more of the same great advice.

Only you'll be 40 and alone.  And 50.  And 60.

The advice is all the same:

Get a therapist.  Enlist help from friends, family, church members, a family pet.  Realize that this is abuse.  Gaslighting.  He's a bad dude.  Nada.  Zilch.  

As to your question, about being afraid to be alone?  The answer is simple:  You'll be alone.  You'll have to deal with it, like many before you.  Like you've dealt with everything in your life that you were afraid of before this.  

Yes, it sounds harsh, but what are you more afraid of....watching your favorite Netflix show alone, or cringing every time he calls?  

[SooSad33]

You are 29. You've got so many years ahead of you! Life doesn't end with having to end this relationship. 🙂 

And I do see you getting better once away from him & all of this.  It's a failed relationship, it happens a lot!  If we choose to get involved, we can expect challenges and sometime's negative experiences - is how we learn.

As mentioned, to seek some therapy for yourself.  If you're dealing with anxiety & depression ( in general or due to this experience...). I found it helpful. Never anything wrong with seeking prof help to help us along & work through our issue's. 😉 

But, first things first.  Say enough is enough now and you don't want or need this treatment from your partner.  Work through your pains and work on getting yourself back to good.

Being on your own has it's benefits too. ( I am now over 50 ) and I've been on my own for over 3 yrs and I'm fine with it. I am in no way in a hurry to get involved again, as I know my mental state ( mentally & emotionally drained).  Relationships have expectations and I know I have 'nothing to give'. 

So, try to see it this way.  And while single, you can turn your focus on yourself. Get to hanging with friends again, get out there & take a walk, get active.  Try a sport or hobby, etc.. and take some 'down time' to work through your emotions and like I said, to try & get back to good'.  You'll be in a better state and stable to try another relationship -- no need to rush into anything right now.. or anytime soon.  Believe me, you don't want to drag any of this into another relationship...right?

So, slow things down and focus on yourself for a while.  

 

[Cherylyn]

"Insensitive,"  "insecure,"  "nag,"  etc are all gaslighting labels and nothing I hadn't heard before in my lifetime courtesy of relatives.  The problem with gaslighting is if you don't know the psychological gaslighting definition and if you hear name calling enough,  you begin to actually question if there is  actually something very wrong with you which is exactly the gaslighter's intent.  Never fall for this wicked, nasty game because it's the oldest trick in the book.  I grew up with gaslighting all my life.  A gaslighter manipulates the dialogue in his or her favor always and they'll beat you down with gaslighting all the time.  You'll never win.  I can whiff a gaslighter from a mile away.  It's a real turn off.  I'm so accustomed to this ugly tactic that as soon as a gaslighter tries me like that, I'm out in a flash and faster than you can blink.   The only way to win a gaslighter's game is to exit the relationship.  You can't win because they'll wear you down in dizzying, endless vicious circles.  Gaslighting is a nasty tactic to shut you down and it works if you allow it.  Deflecting, name calling, etc; it's all the same nastiness.

On top of that, he uses foul language and never allow anyone to treat you like that.  It's unforgivable.

Even though my stories are different, there are parallels in feelings.  Like you, I feared releasing some people from my life.  (If I couldn't such as some local relatives, I simply enforced super strong boundaries with them which works.)  For people whom I can afford to become estranged from, at first, yes, I'll admit, it was a little scary for me but as time marched on, I began feeling relieved, enjoyed freedom and peace washed over me.  Some people are toxic and you need to get rid of them if you want to regain whatever sanity you have left.   I've dumped several people from my life and my only regret was I didn't do it sooner! 

If a person doesn't bring you joy and a rewarding relationship (or friendship in other cases), then why remain in a miserable relationship?  Why waste your time, energy and resources on a meaningless person in your life?  It's senseless. 

It's better to be alone and relieved than lonely with the wrong person in your life. 

At age 30, you're still young!  It's not all doom and gloom.  Think more positively and have self confidence.  Be strong and tough.  Don't take ________ from anyone.  Be kind to yourself by giving yourself self-respect.  You deserve to be treated with dignity.

[smackie9]

You are afraid because the abuser makes sure you have no self worth or confidence to stop you from leaving. Once you break free of them, you will adjust, and by golly you will feel so much better. They are not there anymore to pound down your self esteem. 

[Lambert]

Frankly, it's better to be alone and happy than miserable in a relationship. 

You aren't addressing your mental issues.  And sure, this guy totally sucks, but you are also making excuses to stay with him.

You are at a really dangerous place in life-- no hope for the future, no drive to do anything about, willing to allow others to define you.... but we told you all this before.  

You need to work on yourself.  The only way to overcome fears is to face them.  Being single is the only way to find better.  What do you think? some great guy is going to just appear and his dream is to date a woman that is already in a relationship, has unaddressed mental health issues and a woes me attitude to boot?  

You will only find better when you ditch this guy and DO THE WORK.  Get your head out of your butt.  Start owning your problems.  Ask for help from a professional.  Call a doctor-- get into therapy.  Go to a bookstore-- read books that directed to help others find motivation, resources, and the strength to move forward. 

Sure at 29 you have your whole life ahead of you.  But I'd say that if you 49, 59, 89! You can't change the past but you can make a better future AND you have to start where you are.  You've heard the saying-- today is the first day of the rest of your life. 

At this point, if you want marriage and kids-- you aren't getting any closer with this guy. You aren't even in the same town.  Cut your loses.  

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, lilypad502239 said:

 . Well, just 6 months ago he told me to "Get ***ed" before getting off the phone in a fit of rage. Once we got off the phone, I texted him that he cannot talk to me like that and his response was "go *** yourself". 

Sorry this happened. At some level you know he's abusive. You're in a good position to leave. End it and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Therapy could help you unpack and sort out some things and help you understand the dynamics of abusive relationships. That's the only way to recover and prevent future problems.

In the meantime read up on abusive relationships and read some books on the subject.

He doesn't need therapy. He's a sadist who enjoys hurting you. You can't fix an abuser.However you could benefit from some support and insight from therapy.

[Batya33]

I would avoid the either or -either I'm in a romantic relationship or I focus on myself.  Being in a romantic relationship is one of many ways to be involved in close ways with others.  No need to "focus" on yourself or on anything in particular -you can have close connections with friends and family members, interact with others through volunteer work, hiking group, book group, swing dancing, karaoke, pickle ball etc.  I always found I learned much more about myself through my interactions with others.

[MissCanuck]

15 hours ago, lilypad502239 said:

I feel like I will not find better

Your standards are way too low. Most guys are better than your poor-excuse-for-a-boyfriend. 

12 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

The advice is all the same:

Get a therapist.

This. OP, you won't be able to get out of this (and stay out of this) until you do some work on yourself. Nobody but you can get your self-esteem to a place that empowers you to change and shed the dead weight of this horrible relationship. 

15 hours ago, lilypad502239 said:

I guess I am just scared of being alone

Honey, you're basically alone now. You don't have a relationship in a true sense of the word.  He is not going stick around forever anyway, so all you're doing here is dragging out the inevitable end of this. 

[poorlittlefish]

10 hours ago, smackie9 said:

You are afraid because the abuser makes sure you have no self worth or confidence to stop you from leaving. Once you break free of them, you will adjust, and by golly you will feel so much better. They are not there anymore to pound down your self esteem. 

100% this. I too was afraid to be alone (and I'm a lot older), but before long I realised how much happier I was. OK. I didn't have someone to go out with, but I was no longer being subjected to aggression, name-calling or gaslighting and that was way more important. Take the leap - I guarantee you will feel glad you did.

[catfeeder]

You're already alone. Wouldn't you feel a lot better if you let go of that piece of poisonous dead weight?

[Coily]

While yes being single is tough, it's not nearly as bad as being with an abusive jerk. You will have to find ways to navigate things a little differently, you will need to adjust to being confident on solo outings; but you will also get to be free from the put down, the seeded doubts, and most importantly free to better yourself.

 

[Betterwithout]

Good thing you are 6 hours away.  This will make life easy when you break up with him.

Once you have shed yourself from this person, you will regain confidence to date other men out there.
29 is not an age when you wont find anyone.
I know of a widow who lost her husband to cancer at age 64.  They were deeply in love for 35 years and it was a very tragic loss.
I don't think she questioned if she would end up alone after that.  She was out on "senior" dating sites and found love again very soon after.   Married for 5 years now!