Was it right for my friend to cut me off because of my depression?

[sarafollows]

Hi, so I had this best friend that I knew for like almost 7 years and this week she decided to completely cut me off just because I am "too moody" and negative. I was diagnosed with bipolar depression a week ago, so I'm assuming she just couldn't handle it. She send me a long message explaining that she would no longer like to continue our friendship. She also accused me of not ever wanting to see her. Which doesn't make sense because she was all I had outside of family and I enjoyed our hangouts. So, I replied and apologized to her that she felt this way and I agreed we could take a break. Then I find out she blocked me on instagram so now I am starting to accept that the friendship is totally over.

I really want to see others' opinions on this. I just want to see if it was right of her to cut me off just because I am not "fun anymore"?. It feels really crappy and I have no idea if my depression medication is working because this made me more sad.

I also feel like, if she truly cared about me, she wouldn't have gone this far to completely cut me off. I guess people change.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, katyfran45 said:

 I knew for like almost 7 years and this week she decided to completely cut me off just because I am "too moody" and negative. I was diagnosed with bipolar depression a week ago, 

Sorry this happened. It's great you're getting the healthcare you need so focus solely on that. This friend for her own reasons needed to step back and that's ok. 

It's true people grow apart. Between medical support, therapy and support groups you'll be fine.

[poorlittlefish]

Being around moody people can be very draining.  You dread spending time with that person and it negatively impacts on your own mental health.  Your friend was brave enough to tell you that it's affecting her and you need to respect her decision.  You can try reaching out once you have control over your depression, but until then you just need to accept that your friend did what was right for her own mental health.

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, katyfran45 said:

I also feel like, if she truly cared about me, she wouldn't have gone this far to completely cut me off. I guess people change.

Yes, real friends support you no matter what happens, especially when its hard for you. Her decision to just cut you off is cruel and not something somebody who cares would do. Its based on her selfishness and innability to handle your friendship rather then carrying about you and trying to help. She could "slow fade" or anything else that would involve slowly moving from you. But she decided to just outright cut you off. Very cruel person.

Though, if its any consolation, you dont really need friends like that. People who would bail on you as soon as something is negative. So you are far better without her. Also, this seems like something it was "pre-planned". Dont think it has something with your diagnosis but with her wanting to cut you off completely. As Ive said, very cruel.

[DarkCh0c0]

I think it's okay. She may have felt overwhelmed or drained and has decided to end this friendship. People do change and she has the right to stop talking to you. At least she was upfront so you don't have to ask yourself why she doesn't want to see you anymore on the next hangouts.

Take care of you and keep up the treatment. Use the free time to get into new for hobbies and meet new people. I'm sorry for your loss.

[Andrina]

Most friends are able to handle temporary moodiness and negativity from a friend, but when it becomes the majority of the time, nobody would enjoy being around that. Just because she was your friend for many years doesn't warrant your faulty expectation that it was an unconditional love that would withstand a lifetime.

Also, a friend will feel smothered if she's your only friend. Too much pressure that she's the sole social outlet for you besides family.

I've had friendships end for various reasons that were upsetting too. Most of us do. I'm sorry you're struggling with that and your mental health. For now, pamper yourself to bring small joys into your life. Try a new recipe. Start a new hobby like pottery, painting, creative writing, a book discussion group--anything that interests you.

Give your medication time to work, and if it doesn't, ask if another medicine might work better for you. When that's all sorted, make sure you're involving yourself in groups where you might meet new friends. It's best to have at least a handful of friends so that if one drifts away, you still have other buddies to hang out with. Take care.

[moodindigo91]

9 hours ago, katyfran45 said:

I also feel like, if she truly cared about me, she wouldn't have gone this far to completely cut me off. I guess people change.

I sort of agree with this but I also agree that someone else's moodiness and depression can be very draining and have real negative effects on the lives of others. This is true especially if you're in close and regular contact with the moody/depressed person. I had an ex who was undiagnosed bipolar for our entire relationship, didn't get diagnosed and medicated until we separated. But it was extremely draining for me and honestly quite terrible. But I also lived with him and was with him every day. 

It sounds like you were not in such regular contact with your friend. I think completely cutting off a friend in such a deliberate way is pretty crappy. Some people just grow apart, and that's natural. I have let friendships die, but I never wrote them long messages explaining why I no longer wanted to be their friend. This seems particularly unusual to me and unnecessary, especially if she knows you have a diagnosed mental issue. 

So, all that is to say, you're probably better off anyway. She wasn't a great friend. I hope you have other friends who will be there to support you during this difficult time. 

[Coily]

It's a mixed bag, I think it was not the greatest from someone you thought was a friend; but I can see the drain and strain on them getting to be overwhelming over time. I have had to reduce contact with some negative friends, but I didn't cut them fully out of my life entirely.

However I will give your ex-friend credit for at least being honest and up front in telling you. While it sucks, they had enough respect to tell you. Press on Regardless.

[Batya33]

I didn't completely cut someone off, no but similar story.  (My dad had bipolar for most of his life -diagnosed with depression as a teenager, then bipolar later, all told was ill for over 60 years),  I became very friendly with A years ago -met her through a women's networking group.  Maybe close to a year later she shared with me that she is bipolar.  And said it would never affect our friendship.  I hadn't known. 

Shortly after she started acting in an unreliable way - late for plans, flaking on plans- then in a very self-centered way (like we met for dinner for almost 2 hours and I was in my second trimester -she was divorced no kids - and not once did she ask how I was -not how I was/how I was feeling etc -yes she knew I was pregnant - it was all about her and I was hurt she couldn't even ask how things were going with me). 

After I had the baby it was even harder to deal with her unreliable behavior now that I was so sleep deprived with an infant on a strict feeding/sleep schedule. 

So I didn't cut her off but I stopped making plans with her -there was a last straw where I raced to get ready to meet her -got my baby ready too -and she again flaked because her shower wasn't working or some nonsense (I told her she could use mine).  

I was and am familiar with mental health struggles.  And I had to take care of me and not be subjected to her behaviors (it was odd they started right after she told me -who know).

I'm sorry you're upset about this and agree with the different perspectives.  I hope you feel better and find the right therapist/meds.  My dad did.  He functioned well for many years. 

[catfeeder]

Maybe the letter was to make you aware of behavior that you might want to avoid with future friends?

Otherwise, such a cut off would be unnecessary when she just could have taken some time away, instead.

 I needed to cut ties with a lifelong friend who started getting nasty when she drank. I couldn’t risk that her anger might lead us both into some kind of life-altering danger with others, or road rage or something accidental or possibly even deliberate in a heat of the moment situation.

 I love her to this day, but unless she tells me she’s receiving the kind of help that has stabilized her and will continue to keep her that way—and sober—I’m not willing to allow potential harm into my life based on love. Some people are best loved from far away.

I hope you’ll feel well enough to make some new friends soon.

[greendots]

13 hours ago, Andrina said:

Most friends are able to handle temporary moodiness and negativity from a friend, but when it becomes the majority of the time, nobody would enjoy being around that. Just because she was your friend for many years doesn't warrant your faulty expectation that it was an unconditional love that would withstand a lifetime.

This!

Bipolar depression is serious. But let's be real–not everyone gets it. Unless your friend went through bipolar depression herself (or someone close to her) she may not understand what you've been through/are going through. Thus, she perceives this as 'constant moodiness'. Plus, she may also have enough on her plate. Also, you may want to reflect on whether you're usually negative.

She may or may not come back to you at a later date, unblock you from Instagram and whatnot. You never know.

Now is the time to focus on you getting better, work on yourself and make new friends.

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, greendots said:

Bipolar depression is serious. But let's be real–not everyone gets it. Unless your friend went through bipolar depression herself (or someone close to her) she may not understand what you've been through/are going through.

I think this is only part -even when someone understands they may choose to keep their distance to take care of their own well being.  

[Seraphim]

My father was bipolar, bipolar 1 and seriously seriously affected and non medication compliant most of his life . You simply couldn’t live with him or have interactions with him 99% of the time. I would urge you to remain medication compliant as this is a life long mental illness that doesn’t “ get better” after you feel better on medication. You need to stay on it. 
 

Maybe your friend had to save her own mental health. My dad and I were estranged for 30 years for the most part other than maybe 2 visits a year. 
 

Friends are not required to stay forever in situations they find impossible. Improve your situation and find more friends. 

[Wiseman2]

On 10/28/2022 at 1:18 AM, katyfran45 said:

I just want to see if it was right of her to cut me off

Try not to frame it as right or wrong. It's understandable you're disappointed, but with medication and therapy your world will start to look better in a few weeks.

[Lambert]

I think you can only really look at yourself and decide for yourself. 

Did you stop participating in the friendship? 

Yes, a friend will support you through rough times. But it's not a blank check. Maybe your actions were becoming too much for her.

It's unreasonable to expect a person to put you and your needs above themselves and their needs.

Yes, it's nice when someone does. but what are you doing for you? Are you working on your health and with the therapist? following doctor's orders and taking responsibility for yourself? 

Or are you creating excuses for poor behavior and expecting a friend to just continue to deal with it under the guise of "if they really cared for you"?

Regardless of who a person is in your life, a friend, a spouse, family member, there comes a point where everyone is responsible for themselves. A person can't live for you, do the work for you, etc.

Stop looking at others. Look at yourself.  If you do this and she is wrong, then there is the answer. Sometimes people let us down. It happens quite a bit the longer you live. 

If it's you, that was wrong, move forward with a lesson learned.  fix what you can within yourself. 

[Cherylyn]

I'm a friend.  Other people whether it's one of my friends or my mother,  start, continue and broach with every encounter,  their misery stories from their past or current angst which causes my sympathy and compassion to drain and burnout.  They sound like endless, chronic, habitual "Debbie Downers" to me.  Some people don't want to hear bad news all the time or be with a troubled person because it feels like an unnecessary burden.  They feel like dead weight.  They want to surround themselves with positive, normal people; not with people who are a constant drag like a ball 'n chain.  It's not always "misery loves company."  A lot of people don't wish to associate with a "Negative Nellie"  because they become depressed absorbing your problems which they don't need nor want.  Their sympathy card ran out.  They think you're selfish, self centered and self serving because it's always all about you.  Many people prefer to surround themselves with upbeat, normal people instead of associating with a sad person all the time.  

Never apologize with:  "I'm sorry you felt that way" because you are deflecting blame away from yourself and onto them which is insulting and very disrespectful.  Apologies should be sincere such as saying in person or writing:  "I'm sorry, I was wrong and I made a mistake.  I shouldn't have been moody and negative towards you.  I should've been considerate of your feelings.  I apologize and I would feel grateful if you can forgive me.  Thank you."  When you are remorseful, you have to word it by lowering yourself by demonstrating full blame and fault on yourself.  If you apologize any other way, it's unacceptable and the other person will abruptly become estranged from you.  They'll walk.

There's nothing you can do about alienating your friend.  It was her decision to become estranged from you.  All you can do is acquiesce and respect her wishes.  Learn from this bad experience, be a better friend to someone else in the future and if you need to apologize, rephrase it so you are very humble. 

People care.  However,  they eventually develop sympathy fatigue.  Even though you are depressed,   you have to force yourself to make it about the other person instead of giving off a sad vibe all the time.  When you have your quiet, alone moments, then you can be the real you but whenever you socialize,  you'll have to learn how to be more pleasant otherwise they'll avoid you.

I love and care for my mother.  However,  she'll frequently converse on the phone or in person which I dread.  She'll begin her tirade about all transgressions committed courtesy of my late egregious father and her despicable relatives from decades ago.  Transgressions grow from bad to egregious bombshells one after the other.  I can't handle it.  It's depressing,  miserable,  deplorable information overload.  Her accounts depress me so naturally, I've enforced boundaries by avoiding her.  I can only take my mother in small doses or with infrequency.  There's only so much I can take before my days are ruined. 

I deliberately avoid people who don't make me feel happy, encouraged and at ease.  Being with a depressed person raises my blood pressure and I have to protect and prioritize my mental and physical health.  Sure, I can be a supportive friend but I have my limits. 

I'm just giving you my perspective based upon my experiences. 

Move on and readjust yourself for your future friends.  Take it as a painful learning experience and change for the better.  Losing your friend was not all in vain.  Wisdom gained was your key takeaway.  Use these new learning tools to better yourself and navigate your friendships more shrewdly.  Live and learn.

 

 

[Batya33]

I’ve also had issues with  people who suffer from depression bite the hand that feeds them. Meaning if I’m the sympathetic ear the person then feels free to take out frustrations from the illness on me. I had a friend going through hard times. She begged me to meet her out at a club so she wouldn’t have to be alone. She’d flaked on me before but I felt sorry for her and agreed. I paid a $10 or $20 cover charge and she never showed. I only went  for her.
A couple of weeks later she called me and told me she wanted to be friendly with a woman who she met through  a volunteer group I’d suggested to her. She said the woman shared that she was dating my ex boyfriend. Was it ok for her to be friends with her?

 Thing is I had not known she was and she didn’t know my ex and I had recently gone on a date (this is not the man I’m married to now !). I was supposed to cut slack because she was depressed. Supposed to endure her self-absorbed flaky behavior because she was depressed. I was done.