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Do we have a chance if he was my doctor and we are both married?!


HLDrago
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Just now, MissCanuck said:

It is better to cut this weirdo out of your life.

He's decided not to proceed with you, which is a great choice. This would have ended badly for you. 

No he definitely wanted more than to be friends and once I said I couldn’t at this time he was respectful and ok with that. He even went in for that final hug and I said I couldn’t and it wasn’t best. I think I hurt his feelings but mine are hurt too. A little hurt now os worth less big hurt later. I am likely gonna cry for a minute lol but I do feel better to have closure 

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7 minutes ago, jul-els said:

Glad to hear it. You’ve made a wise choice.

It sucks because I really liked him but in the end I can’t give him what he wants and he can’t give me what I want either. I am clearly not ready for any of that at this point and I could tell this wasn’t the first time and I wasn’t the first one ….it actually made it easier to walk away 

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32 minutes ago, HLDrago said:

I could tell this wasn’t the first time and I wasn’t the first one ….it actually made it easier to walk away 

And there is a high likelihood that you are not currently the only one, either. 

He's too smooth to not be juggling a couple of you at the same time, and making you both feel like you're so special to him. 

Block this slimy individual. 

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1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

And there is a high likelihood that you are not currently the only one, either. 

He's too smooth to not be juggling a couple of you at the same time, and making you both feel like you're so special to him. 

Block this slimy individual. 

I agree with you thanks for being real 

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1 hour ago, HLDrago said:

. We talked and agreed that this is no longer a good idea to even be friends.  So we are going to take a break and work on our own lives for now.

 It's good he was honest with you. He doesn't want this mess.  Too much to risk. That's good, he let you down easy but firmly.  Since you no longer have to see him as a patient, you can just walk away.

Since you claim your husband is dating others and you have an open relationship, you can find what you're looking for with someone else.

This man had too much at stake to get caught in a mess like this.

So as you mentioned, you want some "fun" and as you mentioned, that's easy for you to find.

You don't have to work on your marriage since you are both dating others and divorcing, however keep in mind others may not want to be part of that, no matter what you throw at them.

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13 hours ago, HLDrago said:

He was there to meet me but got upset that I came with my husband. I did because of the aforementioned car trouble

 

So I don’t understand why he is so upset.

Because he doesn't give a sh#t about your husband.

He wanted to get in your pants. I don't get how come you act so oblivious?

OP, don't take this the wrong way, but you have very poor boundaries and a lack affection and self-worth. I see YOU as a problem here. He's just a predator, but YOU are entertaining him.

Have you considered therapy? Once you leave your husband, you need to be single for a long time and get therapy to get back healthier in the dating scene. Don't go for bread crumbs or pathetic people. Don't go down to his level.

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3 hours ago, HLDrago said:

 he can’t give me what I want either

No he can't. You were quite smitten with him and he just doesn't want what you want. He doesn't want a friendship or affair or a fling.

You stated you wanted these things but he's not interested. He clearly has enough integrity and boundaries to tell you it's not going to happen and he eased out of it because he doesn't want a Fatal Attraction situation to develop. You had already been googling him, asking his colleagues about him, checking records and so on.

While it feels better to claim he's a skirt chasing dog it makes no sense because he turned down all your advances. 

It's sexist to put people in these boxes that you're an innocent victim of this horndog "cheater" and you had no role in pursuing him quite heavily. That's why this thread got so derailed.

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7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

 It's good he was honest with you. He doesn't want this mess.  Too much to risk. That's good, he let you down easy but firmly.  Since you no longer have to see him as a patient, you can just walk away.

Since you claim your husband is dating others and you have an open relationship, you can find what you're looking for with someone else.

This man had too much at stake to get caught in a mess like this.

So as you mentioned, you want some "fun" and as you mentioned, that's easy for you to find.

You don't have to work on your marriage since you are both dating others and divorcing, however keep in mind others may not want to be part of that, no matter what you throw at them.

Ok this is what is upsetting me about you and a couple of others on here!  Why do you assume it was HE that let me down?? I mean it doesn’t matter to me that you think that really but your neediness to be right is really upsetting me because you’re not being supportive you are assuming. And you know what they say about people who assume. He wanted to meet up with me to see if there could be a relationship. I turned him down. So stop making me out to be some girl with a fantasy crush please. He is the one that sent me to his gym so we could see each other when I was done treating, he is the one that initiated any physical contact every time with me and he is the one that lied to me about being married. He is the doctor that met me outside of work and he is the one that has to answer to a spouse for how touched me and flirted with me. But he is NOT the responsible party that ended things here so don’t give him credit he doesn’t deserve. He absolutely wanted more and that’s why he called me and asked me to meet up. So get off your high horse admit you’re wrong and take a beat and circle back. People come on here desperate for advice not necessarily sex or a mate. 

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Just now, HLDrago said:

Ok this is what is upsetting me about you and a couple of others on here!  Why do you assume it was HE that let me down?? I mean it doesn’t matter to me that you think that really but your neediness to be right is really upsetting me because you’re not being supportive you are assuming. And you know what they say about people who assume. He wanted to meet up with me to see if there could be a relationship. I turned him down. So stop making me out to be some girl with a fantasy crush please. He is the one that sent me to his gym so we could see each other when I was done treating, he is the one that initiated any physical contact every time with me and he is the one that lied to me about being married. He is the doctor that met me outside of work and he is the one that has to answer to a spouse for how touched me and flirted with me. But he is NOT the responsible party that ended things here so don’t give him credit he doesn’t deserve. He absolutely wanted more and that’s why he called me and asked me to meet up. So get off your high horse admit you’re wrong and take a beat and circle back. People come on here desperate for advice not necessarily sex or a mate. 

He also doesn’t have anything to lose by seeing me as he pointed out his wife and him are separated and she lives in our home state. It would be perfectly legal for him to see me now that I am not a patient. Another point he tried to convince me on. But I said I wasn’t ready based on literally this whole situation to date. He agreed to give me more time. Not that this is your business but we didn’t stop having feelings for each other they are just on hold until we fix are martial crap and I am more confident about dating again. So you really don’t have a clue. But I honestly do appreciate some of the things you did try to contribute and I took them into account as if it were from his perspective. Thanks 

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6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

No he can't. You were quite smitten with him and he just doesn't want what you want. He doesn't want a friendship or affair or a fling.

You stated you wanted these things but he's not interested. He clearly has enough integrity and boundaries to tell you it's not going to happen and he eased out of it because he doesn't want a Fatal Attraction situation to develop. You had already been googling him, asking his colleagues about him, checking records and so on.

While it feels better to claim he's a skirt chasing dog it makes no sense because he turned down all your advances. 

It's sexist to put people in these boxes that you're an innocent victim of this horndog "cheater" and you had no role in pursuing him quite heavily. That's why this thread got so derailed.

Omg get off your horse!!! He called me and wanted to meet up to literally discuss if could have a relationship and I turned him down!!!! You have no clue what you are saying and making me look like a fatal attraction for no reason but to be the devils advocate. I didn’t pursue him at all. Not one time EVER!!! I came on here to ask if I should remember?!?! He has however pursued me quite heavily and that is a very true statement especially after our meeting last night. How do you think I ended up going to his gym? How would I know of the 20 gyms that he went to that particular one?! Cause he told me to go there so he could see me silly. How did we ever find ourselves hugging and holding each other the way we do?  Because he grabs my back in a way I have no choice but to put my arms around his neck if I am going to grant the embrace. He is the one that puts his face against mine and whispers crap in my ear…I don’t whisper in my own ear. That’s a talent maybe you have talking to yourself but I was conversing with a real man honey. He is not some innocent guy here and I am not some wanton hussy so back off. It is a basic story. Two people found themselves liking each other in a situation that is impossible for now. Nothing more nothing less. I figured it out thanks to some of the decent people on here and I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE for me

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7 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Because he doesn't give a sh#t about your husband.

He wanted to get in your pants. I don't get how come you act so oblivious?

OP, don't take this the wrong way, but you have very poor boundaries and a lack affection and self-worth. I see YOU as a problem here. He's just a predator, but YOU are entertaining him.

Have you considered therapy? Once you leave your husband, you need to be single for a long time and get therapy to get back healthier in the dating scene. Don't go for bread crumbs or pathetic people. Don't go down to his level.

Yeah I actually start seeing a dating specialist next week. I realized that I have no experience with the dating scene and I definitely need to learn which guys want what from me and what I am giving off to attract the right mate. Simply changing how you dress can send the right or wrong signals to a guy about what you’re looking for. So yeah I know it sounds lame but I am actually excited to finally get back out there soon however hopefully a little more knowledgeable. Like with this guy as he was talking to me last night I realized all he could have with me was really all I could have with him and that was just sex. I really even considered it I did trust me but I also realized that I could have that with someone else too and it not be so messy. Basically I think I have to figure out what I want and really want before I attempt to like anybody again.

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I want to thank you guys for everything you contributed to my problem. If anyone has any additional advice or tips for me I am open to it. I also want to apologize to WISEMAN for being snappy. I do value your opinion and it was actually good to hear it from a male perspective even if the situation was a little different from what you anticipated. I just want to be very clear that the Chiro in this case was good at his job even if he turned out to be not so good in other aspects of his life. We did flirt and hug maybe a little too long and a little too tight but while I was in his care that is all we did. He NEVER did anything that made me uncomfortable or that I didn’t want regardless of my state of vulnerability. I am not some kind of victim, just sorta dumb when it comes to knowing if a guy wants to be friends or hookup. In this case he wanted to hookup and I thought I wanted that too but I decided I wasn’t willing to crack that many eggs for just one omelet!!! Thanks Everyone!!

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1 minute ago, HLDrago said:

just sorta dumb when it comes to knowing if a guy wants to be friends or hookup. In this case he wanted to hookup and I thought I wanted that too but I decided I wasn’t willing to crack that many eggs for just one omelet!!! Thanks Everyone!!

You did know and you have common sense and you do know -you just chose to turn a blind eye because you were attracted to him and trying to justify getting involved. I'm glad you finally saw the light!

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Just now, Batya33 said:

You did know and you have common sense and you do know -you just chose to turn a blind eye because you were attracted to him and trying to justify getting involved. I'm glad you finally saw the light!

Ok so to answer a couple of your questions. I think we all turn a blind eye to someone we have liked or are attracted to do I don’t think that means I lack common sense I think that makes me human. Everyone has been in the love bubble I am not the first one and won’t be the last. Also I am not cheating on my spouse. My ex and I have lived apart for nearly 2 years. Our divorce papers are signed and ready to file but we are waiting on a rather large settlement to split before we do. No one is cheating on anyone. It’s not an open marriage. The marriage is over and has been for a long time. A piece of paper doesn’t make a relationship. The work you put into it does and we have since retired. 

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9 minutes ago, HLDrago said:

Ok so to answer a couple of your questions. I think we all turn a blind eye to someone we have liked or are attracted to do I don’t think that means I lack common sense I think that makes me human. Everyone has been in the love bubble I am not the first one and won’t be the last. Also I am not cheating on my spouse. My ex and I have lived apart for nearly 2 years. Our divorce papers are signed and ready to file but we are waiting on a rather large settlement to split before we do. No one is cheating on anyone. It’s not an open marriage. The marriage is over and has been for a long time. A piece of paper doesn’t make a relationship. The work you put into it does and we have since retired. 

No -you claim to be naive. I disagree.  Human beings who are married choose to react to feelings of attraction either by staying faihful to their marriage or getting a divorce so they can be with the other person and/or pursue other relationships. Separated is still married so yes, it's cheating unless you've both agreed to an open marriage. Marriage is of course not just a piece of paper -even you know that.  Just like your doctor's license and degree is not just a piece of paper - it comes with commitments and obligations he dishonored.  And his marriage too.

Your mindset is consistent with your many excuses on this thread  to justisfiy acting on your feelings by fliritng/hugging/playing with fire or see a dating specialist while you're married.  I'm so glad you chose not to get involved with this person.  

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33 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Separated is still married so yes, it's cheating unless you've both agreed to an open marriage.

I believe the OP said she and her husband did agree to an open marriage. I think it's on page 4 or 5. They're waiting for some kind of money windfall or something before they divorce. 

I still stand by my belief that this man is involved with multiple women. This type of insecure man will always look for more women to add to his list. One is never enough, and neither is two, three, etc. The more the better. And yes, he is insecure no matter how "hot" you think he is. Otherwise he wouldn't be trolling his patient list for women to have sex with. Yes, he is 😉

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3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I believe the OP said she and her husband did agree to an open marriage. I think it's on page 4 or 5. They're waiting for some kind of money windfall or something before they divorce. 

I still stand by my belief that this man is involved with multiple women. This type of insecure man will always look for more women to add to his list. One is never enough, and neither is two, three, etc. The more the better. And yes, he is insecure no matter how "hot" you think he is. Otherwise he wouldn't be trolling his patient list for women to have sex with. Yes, he is 😉

I saw references to open marriage not an agreement to it. Certainly if they’re each allowed to have sex outside of the marriage and date that’s fine. Then why did she omit that she was married    If it’s an open marriage ?  Sorry if I misread. I think as you do she’s right not to get involved with him since she’s at great risk of STD considering his actions and behaviors. 

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23 hours ago, HLDrago said:

Yes I am actually sitting in front of my husband right now talking to him about it...My husband has been on other dates

This is what I am basing my understanding that theirs is an open marriage on. If her husband has been on dates, that's an indicator there's an understanding they can both be involved with others. 

Still think it's a bad idea though. Being one of many isn't my idea of "fun", especially if there's a chance of contracting an STD. And this chiropractor is likely to have tried this with many women. I strongly doubt the OP is the first or the only one.

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On 9/21/2022 at 10:07 PM, HLDrago said:

We do plan on divorcing once our settlement comes in and last kid has college situated. I haven’t had sex with my husband in probably over a year but do need to stay legally married to him for the time being. I felt guilty for not telling my crush this but then I found out he is also married (a newlywed) and didn’t tell me. So we are both guilty of trying to obtain the others affection under not so honest pretenses. The chemistry is just too strong. I have never felt the way about someone I do him when we are together and when apart I think about him all the time. My last appointment finally came which meant we could finally move forward to wherever that was. We hugged at the end but not just any hug. My arms were around his neck and his hands clasped around my lower back pulling my full body into him. With his cheek against my cheek he told me in my ear that he would see me soon and not to worry that this wasn’t it. That night I went to the gym to meet him but my husband came to meet me in the parking lot because my check engine light came on and I needed to exchange cars with him. My crush saw me in the car with my husband. He hasn’t talked to me since. It’s been over a week. The meeting with my husband was literally innocent but even if it wasn’t why would he be sooo upset if he himself is also married?! I know we are both perfect for each other and the fire that burns between us is so hot I don’t even have the words for it but HELP ME!

Well, first off.. he does not 'love' you back.  It's more like lust & hype of something 'new'.

Second, why on earth would you see you are both 'perfect' for each other if he totally pulled away from you like that?  😕 

3rd, you held something back from him? Like you're still legally married?  So, you were not totally honest from the start?

4th, he never told you either that he was married?  AND they are newlyweds?  WHY did he get married then, if he's not even happy in his relationship... wow 😕 

5th,  What do you mean you have never 'felt so happy as you do when you're with him'?  In some sense I could hear you saying this same thing about the man you married at one time.... yes?

Anywhooo... If you look at the guys reaction with you meeting w/ your husband at the gym ( where he hasn't spoken to you in a week now..).  There's a prime example of what you'll be dealing with.... Like it?

 

Lastly.. that fire will burn out once you two get over this little flame and someone gets bored or something else arises 😕 .. Like him seeing your ex again.

So, yeah... back off.  All is done with this dude?  Walk away & keep walking!

  Deal with your divorce and focus on all of that.  Do NOT go running into the arms of another man for a while yet.  Not until all is done and you ARE truly divorced and know you are truly finished with him.

 

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On 9/22/2022 at 10:47 PM, HLDrago said:

It sucks because I really liked him but in the end I can’t give him what he wants and he can’t give me what I want either. I am clearly not ready for any of that at this point and I could tell this wasn’t the first time and I wasn’t the first one ….it actually made it easier to walk away 

I think you made the right choice especially if you’re getting the sense he’s a serial cheater. The guy is bad news. It won’t hit you how bad until a little later because those love goggles are still on. Be with your close friends and family. Get back into the rhythm of things without any of this in the background.

Your feelings of relief from closure, your instincts are all sound. You wouldn’t be here if you truly were blind to all this. You’re questioning it and that’s a stage many don’t even get to. Let the pain or missing him fade and allow yourself to move forwards. Learn from this and don’t make the same mistakes twice. 

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22 hours ago, HLDrago said:

Yeah I actually start seeing a dating specialist next week. I am actually excited to finally get back out there soon however hopefully a little more knowledgeable. 

What you can do is get a good profile and pics on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men.

The key is honesty, but not TMI. For example it's fine to mention you're separated, have kids and are awaiting the divorce to be final, but leave out anything about the settlement or your husband dating others, you're best friends, etc. This Does give the impression that you're in an "open marriage". 

 Additionally you can get out in real life more to meet people through groups, clubs, volunteering and taking some classes and courses. 

It also depends on what you're interested in such as casual dating and who is a good fit at this point in time. You don't have to find Mr. right at this time. Just enjoy dating for now.

Keep in mind there are also separated men, some won't mind your situation, but others may shy away and "serious" men usually won't date legally married women.

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On 9/23/2022 at 1:39 AM, HLDrago said:

I think you’re right. I think I have him on a pedal stool and not really taking a minute to step back and see the whole picture. He is a hot guy and I am a hot girl. He wanted my attention and got it so I think that’s why he didn’t tell me. Which I am not mad about that. I think I am probably likely upset because he didn’t care enough about me to tell me and treated me like I would be some side thing instead of a friend. 

Lol Sorry but I'm a bit of a "grammar nazi". I think you meant to say: "I have him on a pedestal". Not pedal stool 😂

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