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Do we have a chance if he was my doctor and we are both married?!


HLDrago
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In conversation with Dr. Chris Leatt
In conversation with Dr. Chris Leatt

I need help and situation is super complex. I was in an auto accident and needed a chiropractor. Over the next 5 months, I saw one 2-3 times a week and we clicked almost instantly. We have nearly everything you could possibly have in common and the attraction is insane. Even though we flirted a little and complimented each other’s attractiveness, we kept it 100% professional as best we could but it was pretty obvious to everyone we have feelings for each other. Before my last visit we even found out we use the same gym and made sorta like plans to hang out there when my case was closed. I am married but I told him I was separated. I totally really was but we decided to work it out for the time being due to finances and kids. We do plan on divorcing once our settlement comes in and last kid has college situated. I haven’t had sex with my husband in probably over a year but do need to stay legally married to him for the time being. I felt guilty for not telling my crush this but then I found out he is also married (a newlywed) and didn’t tell me. So we are both guilty of trying to obtain the others affection under not so honest pretenses. The chemistry is just too strong. I have never felt the way about someone I do him when we are together and when apart I think about him all the time. My last appointment finally came which meant we could finally move forward to wherever that was. We hugged at the end but not just any hug. My arms were around his neck and his hands clasped around my lower back pulling my full body into him. With his cheek against my cheek he told me in my ear that he would see me soon and not to worry that this wasn’t it. That night I went to the gym to meet him but my husband came to meet me in the parking lot because my check engine light came on and I needed to exchange cars with him. My crush saw me in the car with my husband. He hasn’t talked to me since. It’s been over a week. The meeting with my husband was literally innocent but even if it wasn’t why would he be sooo upset if he himself is also married?! I know we are both perfect for each other and the fire that burns between us is so hot I don’t even have the words for it but HELP ME!!! Is this never going to work?! Is the deck stacked too full against us? Neither one of us could really leave our spouses right now and I don’t care if we have an affair or not or are just friends even, I just don’t want him out of my life. In whatever capacity we could be together I would want to because I really do love him. BUT…how do I get him to talk to me and what kind of relationship can we have that will work without blowing up our lives?! 

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Is this the person you want to be? 
 

Even if you feel like you are ‘out of contract’ morally speaking, with your ex in actions if not in name, to the best of your knowledge, the chiropractor is not. Right now he’s doing an absolutely savage betrayal of a woman he said he’d be committed to for life. What does that tell you of his character?

I think we’ve just about all been there with the insane chemistry, it’s for sure a phenomenon. But the amount of times it’s lead to a stable and nourishing relationship, well, being on this forum does self select for failure it’s true but you can certainly find here catalogued a long list of intense fire that did Not eventuate into a stable and fulfilling relationship. 
 

My 2 cents, this reaffirms what you already know, that you personally are done with the relationship with your ex. And your picker needs some serious recalibration so you don’t think a shady cheater is the be all and end all of potential life partner prizes. 

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12 minutes ago, HLDrago said:

what kind of relationship can we have that will work without blowing up our lives?! 

You can't.

Choose. Your marriages or each other. An illicit affair where your kids' lives are ripped apart because they found out Mom is fooling around with the chiropractor isn't the answer.

13 minutes ago, HLDrago said:

The meeting with my husband was literally innocent

I lol'ed at this. Like being with your actual husband is something you should hide or be ashamed of. Strange.

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I think I am clairvoyant or something because I keep getting the feeling this thread has been on here before...🤔

OP You are not in love, he is not your soul mate and this imagined fairy tale is a house of horrors waiting to happen.

 The simple solution is to tell your husband that while you are waiting for the last kid to be situated in college you want an open marriage.  Then you can honestly pursue this married man and see what happens.

  I would guess he is willing to cheat on his new wife but not divorce her for you.  You could be his side chick and still be in his life right?

 Pretty good plan if you think about it.  Get your husbands permission to bang other guys, help a newlywed cheat on his wife and settle for being a mistress.  You get your soulmate a few hours a week, you keep the security of your husband and home and he gets some fun with you once in a while when he can sneak away.

That is not an ideal solution but how else do you see this dumpster fire going honestly?

Lost

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1 hour ago, 1a1a said:

Is this the person you want to be? 
 

Even if you feel like you are ‘out of contract’ morally speaking, with your ex in actions if not in name, to the best of your knowledge, the chiropractor is not. Right now he’s doing an absolutely savage betrayal of a woman he said he’d be committed to for life. What does that tell you of his character?

I think we’ve just about all been there with the insane chemistry, it’s for sure a phenomenon. But the amount of times it’s lead to a stable and nourishing relationship, well, being on this forum does self select for failure it’s true but you can certainly find here catalogued a long list of intense fire that did Not eventuate into a stable and fulfilling relationship. 
 

My 2 cents, this reaffirms what you already know, that you personally are done with the relationship with your ex. And your picker needs some serious recalibration so you don’t think a shady cheater is the be all and end all of potential life partner prizes. 

I think just about everyone has said this to me. I really need recalibrated for sure. Thanks

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1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

You can't.

Choose. Your marriages or each other. An illicit affair where your kids' lives are ripped apart because they found out Mom is fooling around with the chiropractor isn't the answer.

I lol'ed at this. Like being with your actual husband is something you should hide or be ashamed of. Strange.

Right?! I think since the kids have gone to college and the husband and I aren’t really connected anymore I just picked some hot guy but he prolly does have faults like being stupid jealous for one. I really appreciate this because I need to hear this from people that may not have to necessarily have my back. I really would even just be friends with him but i think by him being jealous and hiding a whole family from me he doesn’t care about me nor her. 

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34 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

I think I am clairvoyant or something because I keep getting the feeling this thread has been on here before...🤔

OP You are not in love, he is not your soul mate and this imagined fairy tale is a house of horrors waiting to happen.

 The simple solution is to tell your husband that while you are waiting for the last kid to be situated in college you want an open marriage.  Then you can honestly pursue this married man and see what happens.

  I would guess he is willing to cheat on his new wife but not divorce her for you.  You could be his side chick and still be in his life right?

 Pretty good plan if you think about it.  Get your husbands permission to bang other guys, help a newlywed cheat on his wife and settle for being a mistress.  You get your soulmate a few hours a week, you keep the security of your husband and home and he gets some fun with you once in a while when he can sneak away.

That is not an ideal solution but how else do you see this dumpster fire going honestly?

Lost

No you’re right. I don’t really think he is my soulmate or anything I just like being around him even if it’s as friends, but reading this hear from you guys makes me reevaluate that he even ever really cared about me at all. I think I am actually gonna switch gyms and maybe stay away from him. Thanks for the advice or jabs whichever it helped 

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1 hour ago, HLDrago said:

I know we are both perfect for each other

No, you don't. You have never dated this man. You have no idea what he is like as a partner, other than he is not the loyal type. 

1 hour ago, HLDrago said:

what kind of relationship can we have that will work without blowing up our lives?! 

None. You are in serious fantasy-mode here, to the extent that you feel the need to defend being with your own husband. You need to snap out of this before you blow up your own life, and get seriously hurt when he doesn't leave his wife for you. You can already see how you're spinning out because he has pulled away. Now multiply that by 100. That's how you would feel if you slept with him and then he cut you off. 

You sound lonely and bored in your marriage. Deal with that inside the marriage rather than looking for attention on the side. 

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12 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Have you wondered how many of his other patients he's trying to bang? Or is already banging?

I was going to point out the same thing. 

He's risking his entire livelihood with his unprofessional and unethical behaviour, and doesn't seem too bothered by it. What does that tell you, OP? This is familiar territory for him. I would put money on it. He's too comfortable with it to be a newbie. 

This is not his first rodeo. 

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4 hours ago, HLDrago said:

.We do plan on divorcing once our settlement comes . I haven’t had sex with my husband in probably over a year.

It seems a morsel of attention put your romance novel imagination in overdrive.

The chiropractor was being paid to treat you by your insurance. And of course a chiropractors statement will help your personal injury case.

It may help to improve your independence and self esteem.  If you still need to call your husband for an engine light, you'll need to work on your independence

It's nice to fantasize and a crush on the doctor, teacher etc is very common. However. It's just your imagination.

 

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3 hours ago, HLDrago said:

No you’re right. I don’t really think he is my soulmate or anything I just like being around him even if it’s as friends, but reading this hear from you guys makes me reevaluate that he even ever really cared about me at all. I think I am actually gonna switch gyms and maybe stay away from him. Thanks for the advice or jabs whichever it helped 

Are you sure this is the company you’d pick for a friend? Someone who goes behind his newlywed wife’s back and blurs boundaries in the things he’s said or done? I agree with the other comments that it’s fantasy-based but he’s also crossed some lines. Your marriage is over. Deal with this with a therapist and process this before starting something damaging to yourself/others. You’ll thank yourself later with a clean conscience. Why go through all the trouble of getting involved with someone attached? How do you even respect someone like this? 

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3 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

I think I am clairvoyant or something because I keep getting the feeling this thread has been on here before...🤔

Wow! You must be a sender, Lost, because I was reading your mind and thinking the same thing.

Maybe you can cut to the chase say how this turns out.

Okay, sorry... not exactly a brain bender. 🙂

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2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems a morsel of attention put your romance novel imagination in overdrive.

The chiropractor was being paid to treat you by your insurance. And of course a chiropractors statement will help your personal injury case.

It may help to improve your independence and self esteem.  If you still need to call your husband for an engine light, you'll need to work on your independence

It's nice to fantasize and a crush on the doctor, teacher etc is very common. However. It's just your imagination.

28 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Wow! You must be a sender, Lost, because I was reading your mind and thinking the same thing.

Maybe you can cut to the chase say how this turns out.

Okay, sorry... not exactly a brain bender. 🙂

 

28 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Wow! You must be a sender, Lost, because I was reading your mind and thinking the same thing.

Maybe you can cut to the chase say how this turns out.

Okay, sorry... not exactly a brain bender. 🙂

 

28 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Wow! You must be a sender, Lost, because I was reading your mind and thinking the same thing.

Maybe you can cut to the chase say how this turns out.

Okay, sorry... not exactly a brain bender. 🙂

 

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I was going to point out the same thing. 

He's risking his entire livelihood with his unprofessional and unethical behaviour, and doesn't seem too bothered by it. What does that tell you, OP? This is familiar territory for him. I would put money on it. He's too comfortable with it to be a newbie. 

This is not his first rodeo. 

 

49 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Are you sure this is the company you’d pick for a friend? Someone who goes behind his newlywed wife’s back and blurs boundaries in the things he’s said or done? I agree with the other comments that it’s fantasy-based but he’s also crossed some lines. Your marriage is over. Deal with this with a therapist and process this before starting something damaging to yourself/others. You’ll thank yourself later with a clean conscience. Why go through all the trouble of getting involved with someone attached? How do you even respect someone like this? 

 

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Ok so some things I don’t think I was very clear about and maybe it will help me get some more advice. I do believe however that a lot of what you guys are saying is true and very helpful though. I think it’s helping me see him in a different light. And what I am seeing I am not liking. We should not be hugging all the time or meeting outside of work which we did but with decent intentions. I know we both have feelings for each other but I NEVER set out to get with him or be with him. I never said he is my soulmate but that we have like a lot in common and there is definitely something there. I am NOT trying to really have an affair with him but rather I think that’s all he wants because he hid his family from me for over five months. That makes me feel like he doesn’t care about anyone and maybe just wants sex or was playing with me because he is bored. When I say I love him it’s not fantasy I actually do. Not maybe entirely romantically but I just wanted him in my life because he feels really good to be around. So that’s really what my question is can I be his friend without us wrecking our lives or is he a piece of crap using me for his own gratification?

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4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Did your personal injury attorney refer you to this chiropractor? 

Your sexless marriage may be making you too thirsty for male attention. 

I don’t have sex with my husband because I don’t want to. I honestly really haven’t with anyone and not sure I do with this guy either. I just like being around him or so I thought but not even sure I want to be his friend now 

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2 minutes ago, HLDrago said:

I don’t have sex with my husband because I don’t want to. I honestly really haven’t with anyone and not sure I do with this guy either. I just like being around him or so I thought but not even sure I want to be his friend now 

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Did your personal injury attorney refer you to this chiropractor? 

Your sexless marriage may be making you too thirsty for male attention. 

Also I get plenty of male attention just going to the grocery store. I consider myself to be fairly attractive. I have never had a problem being noticed by guys this isn’t that sort of thing. 

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4 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

I think I am clairvoyant or something because I keep getting the feeling this thread has been on here before...🤔

OP You are not in love, he is not your soul mate and this imagined fairy tale is a house of horrors waiting to happen.

 The simple solution is to tell your husband that while you are waiting for the last kid to be situated in college you want an open marriage.  Then you can honestly pursue this married man and see what happens.

  I would guess he is willing to cheat on his new wife but not divorce her for you.  You could be his side chick and still be in his life right?

 Pretty good plan if you think about it.  Get your husbands permission to bang other guys, help a newlywed cheat on his wife and settle for being a mistress.  You get your soulmate a few hours a week, you keep the security of your husband and home and he gets some fun with you once in a while when he can sneak away.

That is not an ideal solution but how else do you see this dumpster fire going honestly?

Lost

My husband and I are not actively trying to save our marriage. We know we are getting a divorce so I am not technically cheating or doing anything wrong because my husband is well aware of my feelings for this guy. We are really good friends and are splitting amicably. It’s the chiropractor that is married and I found out from his co worker. He still doesn’t know that I know he is. He is still pretending to me that he is like this lone wolf. He isn’t technically lying to me about it he is just not telling me. That’s why I am so confused and now I am reading everyone’s comments and think he is kinda a dog. Should I confront him or just never talk to him again. It sucks cause I really do like him and if he could only be friends with me I was ok with that too

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38 minutes ago, HLDrago said:

 When I say I love him it’s not fantasy I actually do. Not maybe entirely romantically but I just wanted him in my life because he feels really good to be around. So that’s really what my question is can I be his friend without us wrecking our lives or is he a piece of crap using me for his own gratification?

Why don't you put your plans, ideas, and questions to his wife?  Or maybe your children?

A little self-respect may go a long way, no?

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18 minutes ago, HLDrago said:

My husband and I are not actively trying to save our marriage. We know we are getting a divorce so I am not technically cheating or doing anything wrong because my husband is well aware of my feelings for this guy. We are really good friends and are splitting amicably. It’s the chiropractor that is married and I found out from his co worker. He still doesn’t know that I know he is. He is still pretending to me that he is like this lone wolf. He isn’t technically lying to me about it he is just not telling me. That’s why I am so confused and now I am reading everyone’s comments and think he is kinda a dog. Should I confront him or just never talk to him again. It sucks cause I really do like him and if he could only be friends with me I was ok with that too

Lol, the ammount of "copium" on this one is out of control

- You are still married so you are technically cheating, dont think your husband is very OK with that

- Chiropractor is deceiving to you and didnt even tell you that he is married

- He isnt "dog", dogs are loyal creatures, he is a pig that wants to cheat on his new wife

- You have a huge crush on him and that is why you would agree to anything with him and that is unhealthy on so many levels

Your situation isnt the best for dating others. You are still married and hencefore unavailable to anyone who would want anything more then affair. On top of that you found the "pig of the pigs" wannabe doctor that wants to cheat on his own wife. If you want to date others then separate for real and do just that. And avoid creeps like this that would probably just "pump and dump". I have a feeling you would be OK even with that one but that isnt the standard you should want to put on there. Do better.

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1 hour ago, HLDrago said:

. I just like being around him or so I thought but not even sure I want to be his friend now 

You were never "his friend", you were his patient and as such his personal life is of no concern to you.

Exactly how is he "a dog who used you" when nothing happened, except in your fantasies?

You're on a slippery slope because accusing a professional of  sexual impropriety is quite serious.

Is it worth it because your little fantasy was not fulfilled? Get a grip. He was your provider not your friend or lover. There was never any "we" in all this. It seems more like this:

"De Clerambault syndrome is characterized by the delusional idea, usually in a woman, that a man whom she considers to be of higher social and/or professional standing is in love with her"

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1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

Chiropractor is deceiving to you and didnt even tell you that he is married

, he is a pig that wants to cheat on his new wife

He doesn't have to. His marital status is none of her business. They were Never in a relationship or dating. 

He did not pursue her in any way, shape or form. This was all imagined from her departure from his practice and a hug.  Not uncommon. There was Never  inappropriate touching or advances.

People need to be a lot more careful of accusing professionals of crimes, calling them "pigs" when someone dreams up a romance novel fantasy like this. She even lies about  "she's not really married".  But calls hubby lickety split when there's car trouble?

Keep in mind in the US personal injury cases are quite lucrative and reports from a physician or other provider makes the settlement larger.

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