My gf (now ex gf) didn't believe my proposal was real and broke up

[tattoobunnie]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I accepted my husband's proposal with a teeny tiny diamond ring. The diamond was practically a chip. That was because I loved him, not what he could buy me.

If an expensive ring sways this woman she isn't in it for love but rather material things. And that's a terrible basis for a marriage.

The ring is not the marriage, it's just a symbol society (and jewelry manufacturers) has decreed. Totally unnecessary.

That's great for you.  I also doubt your hubs also punked you, then waited two years later to do it for real 🤪

[mylolita]

I know this is slightly off topic, and I can see the build up here with the pranking, but I feel like I need to slide my chair back and make a stand for the low key marriage proposal!
 

Not all women want Paris at midnight and a bed scattered with roses. Not all women want the most expensive diamond their husband to be can afford! Romance means so much to so many different people.

 

My husband proposed to me completely spur of the moment. He didn’t have much money. I was 21, we’d been living together for nearly 4 years. We pulled up to get sweets. It was late at night, sat in his beat up van. He turned to me and just gave me such a deep look, I knew that look said he was thinking how much he adored me. He took both my hands and said “Lo. I love you more than anything or anyone. Will you marry me?” No ring. Just my hands in his. 
 

I said yes of course! And I walked around that tiny sweet shop with tears in my eyes gripping his hand not knowing whether to laugh, have him twirl me round the crisp aisle or cry my eyes out with happiness! 
 

Also, this is where women and different personalities change things. Some women here have suggested turning up at her house to beg and plead and shout your true love. I am one of those women who would want that! I would think you truly didn’t care if you simply left me alone to be mad! But then others have said oh no never you would be a stalker and aggressive! So you can see what a bind this is! The question! You should know your girlfriend or potential wife to be - what would she want you to do? Is she the type that needs to be left alone? Or does she secretly need you to “fight for her”? 

 

The prank history, and probably a history of other things, has caused this. I do agree with others - the casual nature of the proposal, mixed with everything else, has caused her to flip. What else is she also unhappy about? 
 

If you love her, you should know her - and what type of proposal she would really have liked. 
 

 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, smackie9 said:

if it really was John Cusack at my window I was say "YES" lol

Oh I am such a fan of his and his movies.  I think maybe he also was in that movie based on the Nick Hornsby book? Also like his sister's acting.

I agree with OP not going to the home or going to Tiffany.  I suspect she was looking for a way out (as Cheryln and others wrote)

[Jakeissorry]

Good evening,

It's been a very long day today and while all is not lost, she couldn't accept the proposal yet. She admitted to overreacting on her part but really thought I was going to hurt her again like last time, had flashbacks and left. Finding out it was a real proposal and seeing the proof was the only reason she came back. 

She's putting things on hold at this moment, wants me to keep the ring and ask again in a year from now. She'll make a final decision by then. If she's ready sooner, she'll tell me to ask again but for the meantime only refer to her as my gf. 

She can't accept it now due to my past pranking history and carefree attittude. She pointed out that a month before the hurtful proposal prank that made her feel insecured in the relationship, I've made jokes about having Covid too (faking coughing) and acted inconsiderate towards others, had a history of sometimes being late to our dates, sometimes delay on paying some bills and doing things at the last minute even when I had enough time. Meanwhile I've stopped doing pranks and improving, she said I need to change more before she considers marriage. I admit, I was unpunctual with my last bill last month. Lastly, she doesn't really care about the ring nor the cost but thought my proposal was lame and it lacked creativity and enthusiasm, as if I wasn't even trying. She couldn't understand why I was creative with the fake proposal but couldn't do the same with the real proposal, put more effort into it.

 

[gamon]

"unpunctual".

LOL I think we've got a bit of growing up to do here.

I totally get where she's coming from and I'm not the least bit surprised there are other factors at play here.

 

[Capricorn3]

19 minutes ago, Jakeissorry said:

 I've made jokes about having Covid too (faking coughing) and acted inconsiderate towards others, had a history of sometimes being late to our dates, sometimes delay on paying some bills and doing things at the last minute even when I had enough time.  I admit, I was unpunctual with my last bill last month.

^ OP, sorry if this comes across as harsh, but when reading the above, I don't think you are even close to being mature enough for any serious relationship, let alone marriage (imo).  What you describe above sounds like what immature high school kids would do.  I am very surprised she's still around - you've got a lot of growing up to do.

[boltnrun]

Do you snap her bra or put whoopie cushions on her chair?

Why are you late paying bills? Do you have money issues?

I agree, you act like an overgrown 13 year old. I don't understand why you still think these things are funny or why you think anyone over the age of 14 would.

Please take a  long hard look at how you're conducting your life. If you prefer to continue to act like a middle school kid then don't bother proposing marriage in a year. But if you mean what you say, leave the goofy behavior behind and start acting like a responsible adult.

And no, that doesn't mean you can't have fun. But choose your audience. Your girlfriend doesn't think your pranks are cute so either find a girlfriend who does or save them for a buddy who shares your love of silly pranks.

BTW, I appreciate a good prank at the right time and with the right person. One of the funniest ones I saw was when this guy filled the cab of his father in law's truck with marbles. When his FIL opened the door the marbles spilled out and rolled all over the place. It took forever to pick them all up. 

(Please don't think "that's funny, I'll have to try that one on my girlfriend!" It won't go over well.)

[Jakeissorry]

27 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

^ OP, sorry if this comes across as harsh, but when reading the above, I don't think you are even close to being mature enough for any serious relationship, let alone marriage (imo).  What you describe above sounds like what immature high school kids would do.  I am very surprised she's still around - you've got a lot of growing up to do.

Not at all. I'm actually glad she pointed all out. I never really had anyone that straight forward like her. If anything, I'll continue improving myself and proving her I can be the man she would want kids with. Sometimes it can take one person to change you for the better.  

To get an idea of where my carefree attitude and being late at things is coming from, I believe it has to do with being an only child and my parents spoiling me. Many times they would clean my room and I rarely helped with chores; it wasn't demanded. 

I have good reason why I'm late with my bills. I don't have money issues. I'm going to work on becoming a responsible person, the serious man my gf wants, the one she can trust and rely on. I want to leave this past and become a better self.

[MissCanuck]

30 minutes ago, Jakeissorry said:

I want to leave this past and become a better self.

This is important. 

With all due respect, you don't sound mature enough for marriage at this point in your life. As you can see, her reaction is not just about that one specific prank but your overall attitude in general. There's a lot that needs to change here, but you need to start somewhere - not just for her, but so you don't fall behind in life. 

Why are late with bills if you don't have money problems?

[Jakeissorry]

26 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Why are late with bills if you don't have money problems?

I've been living a disorganized life overall, my room is full of old stuff, paperworks and invoices that I keep mixing up the due date. Another time I spent money buying on 4 expensive shoe brands instead of paying the bill. Then I realized I had a past due bill.

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, Jakeissorry said:

I've been living a disorganized life overall, my room is full of old stuff, paperworks and invoices that I keep mixing up the due date. Another time I spent money buying on 4 expensive shoe brands instead of paying the bill. 

Do you understand why she doesn't want to marry you?

Let's say your kids need money to buy lunch at school but oops, you spent the lunch money on shoes for yourself!! Sorry kids, no lunch for you!

Are you just out of high school? If not, the time for blaming your parents for being irresponsible is long over. 

[MissCanuck]

8 minutes ago, Jakeissorry said:

I've been living a disorganized life overall, my room is full of old stuff, paperworks and invoices that I keep mixing up the due date. Another time I spent money buying on 4 expensive shoe brands instead of paying the bill. Then I realized I had a past due bill.

I would say that this is a money problem - not for lack thereof, but irresponsible spending habits. That is another reason not to get married. She doesn't want to take on someone who can't manage his own life and makes poor financial choices. It's not what a decent marriage is built on. 

What are you going to do to get yourself in order here? 

[Jakeissorry]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

Do you understand why she doesn't want to marry you?

Let's say your kids need money to buy lunch at school but oops, you spent the lunch money on shoes for yourself!! Sorry kids, no lunch for you!

Are you just out of high school? If not, the time for blaming your parents for being irresponsible is long over. 

I do understand and that's what I want to leave this past life and focus on improving things in the present, not just for her but myself too. I know there is a lot to work on. 

[Jakeissorry]

4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I would say that this is a money problem - not for lack thereof, but irresponsible spending habits. That is another reason not to get married. She doesn't want to take on someone who can't manage his own life and makes poor financial choices. It's not what a decent marriage is built on. 

What are you going to do to get yourself in order here? 

It's understandable. Honestly I didn't realize how irresponsible I sounded till she pointed it out. Like mentioned, no one ever said anything about it, only her.

As for what are the changes to have an organized life:

- Throw away all the worthless, old stuff in my room

- Have a calendar or notebook to write down due dates 

- Manage my money 

- Never be late ever again to any of our dates or on anything

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, Jakeissorry said:

I've made jokes about having Covid too (faking coughing) and acted inconsiderate towards others, had a history of sometimes being late to our dates, sometimes delay on paying some bills and doing things at the last minute even when I had enough time

I think you have some sort of more deep seated issue -not a health care provider just sensing it -and I think you should step away from her given your propensities -these are not just "pranks" - and get help from a professional for your choices to treat people in these awful ways.  I don't think the being late or occasionally being late for a bill on their own is a problem -cumulatively it seems that you routinely put yourself first in situations where it's common sense to either put others first or at least show common decency and respect for people's time and well being. 

Being inconsiderate once in a blue moon and apologizing is not the issue -your pervasive behaviors are.  Joking about having covid and actually coughing-really?? That's not ever funny and not a prank.  It's simply mean spirited.

I don't think a year is going to make a difference unless you step up, work on yourself with a professional, show through your actions dramatic changes in your behavior to show that you show respect, caring, kindness to other humans-not just your girlfriend - and I wouldn't keep a ring around - see if in a year from now you are ready to be part of a team with her, a true partner - and honestly I'd set her free during this time and if you two come back together fine -there's too much bad blood here.  I don't blame her for her reactions -other than she shouldn't stall and should just end things now.  IMO

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, Jakeissorry said:

It's understandable. Honestly I didn't realize how irresponsible I sounded till she pointed it out. Like mentioned, no one ever said anything about it, only her.

As for what are the changes to have an organized life:

- Throw away all the worthless, old stuff in my room

- Have a calendar or notebook to write down due dates 

- Manage my money 

- Never be late ever again to any of our dates or on anything

Great goals.  What did you do yesterday -what step did you take to work towards these goals. What step did you take today? Do you have a daily plan, a weekly plan, etc? Who will you work with to help you with all of these tasks and what steps are you going to take to behave with respect and consideration in your daily life towards others?

For example -a step -last week instead of reacting to my son's bratty behavior I did a few rounds of 4-7-8 breathing and walked away.  And, instead of making excuses as to why I couldn't attend a school related event that was inconvenient, I planned out my morning differently so I could attend and have a positive attitude.  Instead of eating more ice cream last night as I wanted to, I chose to put the ice cream away.  I mean concrete steps that are related to your goals - not just pretty and  trendy words you've read probably for years but that have no oomph, no actions behind them.

[Kwothe28]

9 hours ago, Jakeissorry said:

If anything, I'll continue improving myself and proving her I can be the man she would want kids with.

That is all fine and dandy. And those are all positive changes that you should do. However, I do need to point out that the reason for her not accepting proposal isnt the prank situation but you yourself. And that even if you do manage to show her the change, there is little to no guarantee she would accept proposal.

My point is that you should do those stuff. For yourself, as they are a positive change. But as she wasnt really extactic about the proposal and immediately found you issues to say "No", I really cant see her saying "Yes" in a year. She would most likely find more issues. Just be warned that it could happen very likely even if you do manage to pull the change. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Jakeissorry said:

- Throw away all the worthless, old stuff in my room

- Have a calendar or notebook to write down due dates 

- Manage my money 

- Never be late ever again to any of our dates or on anything

1-Get a full time job and work part time

2-Move out and get your own place

3-Support yourself and pay bills responsibly.

4-Leave her alone. Do not revisit this in a year.

-Skip the jokes, acting like an adolescent, grand gestures, showing up at her house, flowers, rings,  etc. Until you have 1-3 fully accomplished you're in no position to be someone's partner.

[gamon]

5- Remove Farrah Fawcett poster from wall

 

[smackie9]

I totally recommend couples/pre-marriage counseling.

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, gamon said:

5- Remove Farrah Fawcett poster from wall

 

I love this, but I think it dates us.

OP, you may need to come up with a larger plan than learning how to clean your room.

Are you still living with your parents?

[boltnrun]

14 hours ago, Jakeissorry said:

I do understand and that's what I want to leave this past life and focus on improving things in the present, not just for her but myself too. I know there is a lot to work on. 

If she hadn't refused your proposal and broken up with you would you still be behaving like a 13 year old irresponsible goofball?

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, Jakeissorry said:

wants me to keep the ring

That means "no". And she is smart to run away from your antics and nonsense.

You need to get your life up to speed, get off the video games, get a job, move out. There is Never a "good reason" to be late and pay bills late. Your credit is probably in the toilet so you'll have to fix that too. 26 is too old to have mommy and daddy wiping your tushy. 

[Cherylyn]

19 hours ago, Jakeissorry said:

Good evening,

It's been a very long day today and while all is not lost, she couldn't accept the proposal yet. She admitted to overreacting on her part but really thought I was going to hurt her again like last time, had flashbacks and left. Finding out it was a real proposal and seeing the proof was the only reason she came back. 

She's putting things on hold at this moment, wants me to keep the ring and ask again in a year from now. She'll make a final decision by then. If she's ready sooner, she'll tell me to ask again but for the meantime only refer to her as my gf. 

She can't accept it now due to my past pranking history and carefree attittude. She pointed out that a month before the hurtful proposal prank that made her feel insecured in the relationship, I've made jokes about having Covid too (faking coughing) and acted inconsiderate towards others, had a history of sometimes being late to our dates, sometimes delay on paying some bills and doing things at the last minute even when I had enough time. Meanwhile I've stopped doing pranks and improving, she said I need to change more before she considers marriage. I admit, I was unpunctual with my last bill last month. Lastly, she doesn't really care about the ring nor the cost but thought my proposal was lame and it lacked creativity and enthusiasm, as if I wasn't even trying. She couldn't understand why I was creative with the fake proposal but couldn't do the same with the real proposal, put more effort into it.

 

Jake, 

Thank you for being humble and honestly admitting your weaknesses.  Many people would not be honest and humble yet you did so I'll give you that.

You certainly created a track record of distrust for your girlfriend.  If pranking wasn't bad enough, you've added more layers of faking Covid, acting inconsiderate of others, tardiness, delinquent paying bills and left scrambling despite having time to prepare in advance.  It's no wonder she seriously hesitates marrying you.  You're unreliable and irresponsible.  She can't depend on you.  You're immature and haven't grown up to be a real man yet.  I hope you're learning though. 

Ok, she doesn't care about the ring nor the cost.  She cares about what type of man you are and to her, she feels as if she cannot lean on you.  To her, high quality character is missing in you.  Trust doesn't exist in her mind.  She does not wish to commit to a man whom she does not trust to be responsible for himself, to her and the relationship. 

(At the time, my husband was living at home to save money for a new car.  He slaved over a hot stove all day to prepare a marvelous dinner for me.  He used his mother's fine china and tablecloth.  Dinner was delicious. 😋  He got down on one knee and proposed.  Of course, I immediately said, "Yes!"  I was 22 years old and my husband was 23 years old.  We married the following year.) 

However way you would've proposed wouldn't have mattered at this point anyway due to your messed up history with yourself and her.  

The real question is this:  Are you willing to wait a year for her to give you her final answer?  In the meantime she is your girlfriend.   As you say, she will let you know if she'll accept your proposal if she decides to say "yes" before a year.  Take it or leave it.  <<< ====== This is what she is telling you.  These are her terms.  You'll either accept her conditions and be prepared for either scenario or cut your losses if you decide to take that route. 

 

[bluecastle]

18 hours ago, Jakeissorry said:

I do understand and that's what I want to leave this past life and focus on improving things in the present, not just for her but myself too.

The bold is really the most important part here. 

Just to offer a slightly different take: I think it's a bit much that your gf is suddenly raking you over the coals for who you were two years ago. If that person wasn't right for her, or caused her such agony—with the pranks, the off-hand remarks about Covid, whatever—it was on her to bring it up at the time. Ditto if she's been having some serious qualms about you lately. 

Instead she went nuclear in response to a kind gesture, some 700 days later—a reaction that, at least to my eyes, rivals the proposal prank for immature, damaging behavior. Now she's cataloguing your flaws, has you doing the same, and is creating an obstacle course for you to complete over the next year. Make it to the finish, emerge in a shape she deems satisfactory? Maybe there are wedding bells. Fall off the rope ladder? No dice. 

Which brings me back to the bolded above: If what's been pointed out sincerely sounds to you like issues you need to address—for who you want to be, regardless of whether you two go the distance—that's terrific. As you said, a big plus of a relationship can be having someone shine a light on the rooms in our selves that need some maintenance. That light, however, does not need to be of the sort a dentist uses to perform a root canal; a 60 watt bulb is just as effective, and I'd say she has some work of her own to do in that regard. 

Mind you, I'm not trying to completely flip the script here. Looks to me like you've been coasting too long, have some unfortunate habits left over from adolescence that aren't a cute look on any adult. But I'm concerned that you are suddenly seeing yourself as a ball of wet clay that needs to be molded, and molded drastically, to please another human being who (a) has played an equal role in your relationship dynamic and (b) is not owning that role.

Anyhow, just make sure that who you are now aiming to become is for you. Anything else will be inauthentic, and you don't want a relationship, let alone a marriage, propped up on that.