I think I'm becoming addicted and I don't care.

[TacticalLinguine]

- a stream of thoughts, not sure if looking for advice -

I've always been a social drinker. Parents partied a lot when I was growing up and they still continue drinking to this day. It's been the norm. But they know when to drink, how much to drink, and when to stop. 

I drank before coming to work today. In fact I've done that for the last 6 days but today it actually hit me that I wanted to drink before coming in. I just wanted to feel tipsy. 

Yesterday I was texting with a friend of mine who is severely addicted to alcohol and is trying to quit. He was having a meltdown, horrible withdrawals, I was listening, taking it in and encouraging with a drink in my hand. I got pretty drunk later that night.

I'm so okay with these things, I don't care. I was okay with drinking before, I drank when others did, but now I feel like I genuinely enjoy drinking.

I want to go home already so I could grab a glass. 

[Wiseman2]

Posting links is disabled, but google "AA quiz". See if the info and support on the site helps you. Another thing you can do is get an evaluation of your physical and mental health from your physician.

Get some tests done. See what your liver function tests look like. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. It's possible you enjoy being high, and it's possible you're self-medicating.

Since you already seem physically dependant, it's possible if you stay on this trajectory that you'll need detox and rehab.

Hopefully you aren't driving drunk to work. Your high isn't worth someone's life.

 

[Seraphim]

My aunt drank herself to death, it was very sad and horrifying for her at the end. 

[Kwothe28]

I was a big social drinker when I was young. To the point I did got worried about myself when I was in college. It was party all the time. But I never had urges to drink outside of that and I could, for example, just not drink for some time. Never got urges even to drink at home. Even now have 2 nice beers in the fridge. But never found an opportunity to drink them so they just stand there. 

Anyway, you waking up and wanting to drink, its a big sign of a problem. That means that you cant live without alcohol, and that the alcohol governs you, not the other way around. Like those old alcoholics who have their hands shaking until they drink one strong drink in the morning and just after that they can function properly. 

Aside of AA, I would suggest psychological help. For example, you mentioned that you work with your family and that it affects you very much. Are you drinking because you think your time at work would pass better if you are tipsy? Its something that you should work with the specialist to find a reason why and work on making a healthier ways to deal with it. And not reaching for an alcohol for that. You will only ruin your life more that way.

[Tinydance]

Well the big issues with actual alcohol addiction is that it starts to interfere with all aspects of your life in a bad way. Also it's very bad for your physical health but I'm sure you know that. I'm surprised you're not worried that you drank every day before work because if you're drunk at work you could get fired. I'm not sure what sort of work you do or if you're just over your job and that's why you don't really care. Are you not invested in your job at all or just the urge to drink has become so strong now?

It's very common to enjoy drinking and probably it's not even that bad just to drink occasionally on weekends. But when you become addicted and it takes over your life it becomes pretty awful. I'm actually speaking from experience.

[reinventmyself]

6 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

Yesterday I was texting with a friend of mine who is severely addicted to alcohol and is trying to quit. He was having a meltdown, horrible withdrawals,
 

It's all fun and games, until it's not.  

You continue on this path, you could lose your job, your drivers license, some friends, your health. . it's just a spiral that isn't worth it.  Ask anyone who's done it long enough.

You don't have to stop drinking.  You can however start with some simple limits and put a little more thought into your actions.

You say you don't care, but your post in a forum to a bunch of strangers can be interpreted as a possible cry for help.  After all, if it was so ok, why mention it?

[itsallgrand]

It does sound like you are developing an addiction. 

My parents were partiers too, I grew up around a lot of social drinking. My mom struggled with alcoholism, and several of her siblings as well. Did you know the chances of developing a drinking problem are significantly higher if you grow up around it like us? Some believe there is a hereditary component.

There are a lot of resources out there if you ever want them. And people here will cheer you on if you ever are looking for that support. Just say the word, there are so many people and communities there to help. 

 

[boltnrun]

My friend died at age 40 from alcohol abuse. 

My grandfather died alone in a hospital after a lifetime of daily excessive drinking.

Please seek help from professionals before something really bad happens (drunk driving accident, severe health issues, being fired from your job, etc )

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

I drank before coming to work today. In fact I've done that for the last 6 days but today it actually hit me that I wanted to drink before coming in.

This is physical dependence, not social drinking. So detox/rehab will be the next step. Either court ordered when (not if) you are arrested for a DUI or when you're so sick or otherwise reach rock bottom. 

[catfeeder]

One problem with going to work buzzed is that we're never the best estimator of how others perceive us--or whether they can smell it.

Do you value your job?

[boltnrun]

I see you work for your father's company. Do they care if you come to work "tipsy"? 

Do you drive to work or ride with your parents?

I worked for someone who was an alcoholic. He actually encouraged us to drink at work and even provided alcohol and took us to restaurants and bought us multiple drinks during our lunch hour. It was a terrible environment. Even more so because I declined to drink and was accused of not being part of the "team". Not good.

[Lambert]

Why don't you care? This is a red flag for sure.

Addiction is a very serious life altering event that destroys everything and everyone it touches.

If you think you are at the beginning stages, now is the time to do something.  Go on a detox for a few weeks. clear your mind and thoughts through a healthy diet, exercise, and no alcohol.

See how you feel.  If you can't do it, then seek treatment. 

[jul-els]

If you want an addiction to take control of your life, you are putting yourself on the path. I’ve seen it happen to others, it’s a horrible fate that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. The devastation it leaves in it’s wake is awful. 
 

Why you would want that for yourself, I don’t know, you haven’t given us enough details, but I’d strongly advise you against choosing this destiny for yourself. 

[Batya33]

I listened to this recently because I listen to her podcast.  I highly recommend you listen to it.

Bottled Up: Your Stories About Alcohol | Death, Sex & Money | WNYC Studios

[greendots]

May I ask, how's your life really like? Any issues with family, relationship or work?

You think you've got the drinking under control. You don't. One day, everything will come crashing down. You can acknowledge, right now, that you're an alcoholic and seek professional help. Or you can pretend that you've got it under control and wait for your world to fall apart. Because if you keep drinking like that it will. And I wouldn't like it for your world to fall apart.

[Wiseman2]

You seem rebellious and pretty stupid for going to work drunk. Piss your youth away if you want, but if you drive drunk, hopefully a stint in jail will help. Other than that, there is nothing uglier than a drunk. 

[1a1a]

My housemate is an alcoholic. He says ‘I drink because I want to’.

 

We all hold him at arms length because he is not pleasant company when drunk. 
 

I guess it’s true, if you don’t care you are hardly going to deny yourself what you perceive as pleasure because someone else says you should. But what ever it is you’re trying to medicate, alcohol won’t fix it. Why not address the underlying cause?

[TacticalLinguine]

Thanks for taking the time out of your days to post. I didn’t really expect it as it was just a pitiful rant I posted. 
 

On 8/16/2022 at 6:22 PM, boltnrun said:

I see you work for your father's company. Do they care if you come to work "tipsy"? 

Do you drive to work or ride with your parents?

I’ve been wasting money on a cab to get to work because of the drinking. I would never risk getting behind a wheel like this. I don’t appreciate the assumptions that I do but I suppose I understand. 
 

A lot of you express concern for my work and to be completely honest I am worried too. So far nobody’s been able to tell I’m tipsy. I function very well and get my job done just like before. I know that will change if I keep drinking, but for some reason I can’t truly comprehend it. 
 

On 8/16/2022 at 6:32 PM, Lambert said:

Why don't you care? This is a red flag for sure.

I couldn’t tell you. I appreciate everyone giving me reasons not to drink: 

1) My young nieces are around me/us who drink. I was terrified of drunk people as a child, now I’m one of them, what if that happens to them too

2) My job

3) I could severely damage my health or actually die

The only thing I truly care about out of the three points are my nieces. I don’t really drink around them, but they’re not dumb. 
 

17 hours ago, greendots said:

May I ask, how's your life really like? Any issues with family, relationship or work?

This made me think. I’ve actually been feeling “happier” recently. But the drinking truly started after the death of my granny. For 4 months I was in denial and then started going through bottles. I’ve been going hard at work and my hobbies, I’m a musician on the side and have done a lot of progress, and I don’t care about it, the only thing to make me feel “happy” right now is the booze. Everything else, good or bad, I push away so I can keep going on “emotional neutral”. 

13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You seem rebellious and pretty stupid for going to work drunk. Piss your youth away if you want, but if you drive drunk, hopefully a stint in jail will help. Other than that, there is nothing uglier than a drunk. 

A very mean post. I don’t care about looking ugly or stupid with my problem. I do not drive drunk, I may be this or that but I won’t put others in danger. Going to work tipsy is incredibly stupid, I don’t know why I’ve done it, or why I don’t care, I can’t say much more about that. It’s dumb and I’m dumb for doing that. 
 

On 8/16/2022 at 7:05 PM, Batya33 said:

I listened to this recently because I listen to her podcast.  I highly recommend you listen to it.

Bottled Up: Your Stories About Alcohol | Death, Sex & Money | WNYC Studios

I will look into it, thank you. 
 

- - -

If I missed anything, I apologise. I tried to put together a short and sweet response to the thoughts expressed by you, doing it on the phone was harder than I thought. 
 

I’m having a hard time understanding what I’m really doing or why I don’t care. I have a lot to live for and to be present for. 

[Batya33]

Are you taking care of your nieces alone while you are drinking?

[TacticalLinguine]

23 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Are you taking care of your nieces alone while you are drinking?

No. I go over to see them when they’re visiting my parents. We play games, watch Mr. Bean and I teach drums to the youngest. 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, TacticalLinguine said:

No. I go over to see them when they’re visiting my parents. We play games, watch Mr. Bean and I teach drums to the youngest. 

Oh ok -and you are never supervising them alone, right?  

[greendots]

3 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

This made me think. I’ve actually been feeling “happier” recently. But the drinking truly started after the death of my granny. For 4 months I was in denial and then started going through bottles. I’ve been going hard at work and my hobbies, I’m a musician on the side and have done a lot of progress, and I don’t care about it, the only thing to make me feel “happy” right now is the booze. Everything else, good or bad, I push away so I can keep going on “emotional neutral”. 

I'm so sorry for your loss. Were you and your granny close? Please go to an AA meeting / support group for alcoholics. Think of your granny as well as your nieces. Take that step for them. You still have a future ahead of you and your nieces are part of it. What memories would you like to create with them?

It will be a tough road to walk on, but the reward of being able to built a future with your nieces - priceless. In the meantime, keep writing here any time you like. It's a nifty supportive community. 😊

[TacticalLinguine]

Grandfather died. Peacefully in his sleep at home. 

Was doing better for some time, now drinking out of control again. Can't catch a break. 

[Wiseman2]

52 minutes ago, TacticalLinguine said:

Grandfather died. Peacefully in his sleep at home. 

Was doing better for some time, now drinking out of control again. Can't catch a break. 

Sorry this happened. Alcoholics don't need a reason to drink. They just find any reason. Sad, happy, something, nothing, whatever.

You don't want to stop or get help so?

[TacticalLinguine]

50 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Alcoholics don't need a reason to drink. They just find any reason. Sad, happy, something, nothing, whatever.

You don't want to stop or get help so?

It's easiest to drink and I'm just being weak at this point.