Boyfriend is big on looks, light on everything else

[libra]

I (23F) have been dating someone (29M) for about 7 months. Now, I am absolutely crazy about him- but there’s this one nagging issue that I’m unsure is normal or not. He’s extremely looks-focused, even indicating that my appearance is one of the biggest reasons he wants to be with me. Which, inherently I don’t think is wrong- attraction is very important in a relationship and it boosts my confidence that he’s so crazy about my looks- but it’s the extent to which he takes it that makes me feel a little undervalued for who I am. He likes to shop for me and help me pick outfits, he encourages me to diet and we joined a gym together- all of which have been with the intent of being helpful and healthy, which I do not mind at all. But- part of me worries that he doesn’t value much about me beyond that. He makes jokes about my intelligence, calling me ditzy and airheaded (it’s pretty lighthearted, but still), a lot of “at least you’re pretty” jokes. He doesn’t have much interest in my job or hobbies, and thinks many of my personal tastes are “dorky.” He also makes comments about other women that are a little disparaging (i.e.- we were talking about Stranger Things and I mentioned how I think Winona Ryder gives an incredible performance. He laughed and said he can’t get over how unattractive she is now compared to how she used to look. I said, regardless of whether you find her attractive or not, can’t you acknowledge a compelling actor? He said no, that “hotness” was his metric. I personally think Winona is still beautiful BTW). We were also discussing how a friend of his is being treated quite poorly by a woman he’s seeing, to which he emphasized “I can understand putting up with someone’s nasty behavior if they’re really cute, but she’s ugly.” I said that someone should have enough self-respect to not put up with abusive behavior no matter how attractive the person was- he just laughed. (I should note- his ex-girlfriend was legitimately physically and verbally abusive toward him, so I think there’s some underlying trauma). He has told me that my prettiness is his favorite thing about me, and looks are one of the only things he truly compliments me on. However, I should note that he’s also extremely obsessed with his own looks, paranoid about aging and coming up on 30, grey hairs, etc. -should I be concerned that he’s so appearance-focused, or should I just write it off as a bit of projection about his own insecurities (perhaps him complimenting me the way he himself wants to be complimented), and take the compliments on my looks as flattering and harmless? Is it partially just that we’re still a fairly new couple and the honeymoon hormones haven’t worn off? 

[Batya33]

Yes you should be.  Looks are a small part of physical attraction -don't you see many many average looking people together who are obviously into each other, couples? I'm sorry it is so flattering to you to be complimented on your looks and yet you're ok with him disparaging your intelligence and your interests??

I think it's fine to encourage each other to live healthful lifestyles -encourage- support -not control, not give unsolicited input on.  My husband started exercising daily because he saw me doing it, had stopped doing it for some years and he was motivated to start again seeing how I worked it into my busy schedule. 

My husband started eating breakfast because he saw me doing it and knows it's generally healthier to have a healthful meal in the morning as opposed to eating too much at night. I am more intense about exercising daily so when he asks me if he should on a day when he has a cold, or his back hurts or the weather is bad I am very careful not to impose my own intensity on him. 

I will give him my input if he asks and a bit less than half the time I advise him to take a day off -even though if it were me I would not.  I only care about his exercising and eating habits for his physical health.  The side benefits of looks are very very side.

If your ego really needs the boost from him fawning all over your physical features and you never ever want to have a baby with him where you get pregnant and you are willing to do what it takes if your metabolism slows later in life and you put on a few pounds (mine did not really -I'm 55, I have good genes that way, just dumb luck) - meaning you will practice extremely restricted eating, save up for plastic surgery and botox, etc - then stay with him.

I'd run.  Now.  And run fast because it's good for your health. 

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, libra said:

I (23F) have been dating someone (29M) for about 7 months. makes me feel a little undervalued for who I am. He likes to shop for me and help me pick outfits, he encourages me to diet and we joined a gym together. He makes jokes about my intelligence, calling me ditzy and airheaded  he’s also extremely obsessed with his own looks, paranoid about aging and coming up on 30, grey hairs, etc.

Yes, consider ending things. He will erode your self-respect with his insults and verbal abuse. He is also controlling and trying to mold, fix and change you. 

He is basically saying you are just arm candy for him to bolster his own fragile image. He seems to be compensating for personality problems by acting this way. Shallow, lacking empathy and an inflated ego.

[Batya33]

Also what exactly are you crazy about with him? Other than his looks? Do you need to lose weight and if not why restrict with a diet? Do you like him buying things for you - reminds me a bit like the movie Pretty Woman which was I think before you were born -Richard Gere took her shopping too.  

[MissCanuck]

27 minutes ago, libra said:

he encourages me to diet and we joined a gym together- all of which have been with the intent of being helpful and healthy

Given how obssessed he is with appearances, this is not all about being healthy. 

28 minutes ago, libra said:

He makes jokes about my intelligence, calling me ditzy and airheaded

This isn't funny. It's demeaning and rude. 

29 minutes ago, libra said:

thinks many of my personal tastes are “dorky.”

What a prince. 

Why are you dating this guy? He doesn't value you as a person, and while he compliments your appearance, he is evidently still not really satisfied if he's "encouraging" you to diet and work out. God forbid you get in an accdient or get sick and cannot make it to the gym or dress up pretty for him. He won't stick around to see you through it. 

Get rid. 

[Kwothe28]

Some people are very superficial. Whether its about looks, money or anything else. Your boyfriend seems like one of them. Which wouldnt be a problem if its in healthy dosage. Lots of people(could even say most) value looks. Hollywood is as it is because of looks and how they value it. Better looking people have that advantage through life that they are having some things easier because of looks. Even regarding jobs. So, looks matters.

But your boyfriend is taking that to extreme. Which means that he is extremely superficial. And with persons like that, you are running the risk of them leaving as soon as you "let go yourself" a bit. Or maybe even if some better(in this case prettier) opportunity shows up. Him taking you to a gym or dieting you isnt about him worrying about your health. Its about him having something "hot" beside him. As soon as  that novelty runs out, or he finds something hotter, he is gone. He doesnt value you or anybody else in other scales but only how hot or not you are. So if you want to be appreciated as a person, and not just like a piece of meat, you should leave him. 

[Andrina]

Apparently you're still in the honeymoon phase and he must be awfully cute, because he would bore and aggravate most people. How is he an interesting conversationalist if everything is about looks? If he stares at you with glazed eyes when you try and speak of your job or hobbies, how is he enjoyable to be with?

And yes, his obsession with appearance is something that's a severe red flag. Can you really envision him taking care of you in a loving manner, if say, you had cancer and gained weight because of steroids and lost your hair with chemo?

I'd move on from this Bozo. No wonder he became single before meeting you.

 

[Seraphim]

I would be gone . I want to be valued for ALL of me. 

[hub49]

Winona still looks great to me!  This guy, based on what you've described, could not come across any more shallow.  It's up to you.  If you want a relationship with little to no substance, hey, you've got one.

[Tinydance]

I would not continue to date a guy like this at all. Of course it depends what you're looking for in a relationship and whether you just want it to be a short term thing, or whether you want to settle down and marry and things like that. 

I always knew I wanted to get married and have kids and there is that saying: "You should marry your best friend". That means that the friendship and emotional and intellectual connection is the strongest part of the relationship. The honeymoon phase and passion and butterflies in a relationship begins to wear off after a year or two. So what's left after that is your actual connection. The relationship becomes more like a friendship and companionship but of course with physical intimacy as well. 

From everything you've said about your boyfriend, he is VERY shallow and superficial. Of course looks are important in the sense that without physical attraction to a person you can't get romantic feelings for them. It's no secret that everyone would love a gorgeous partner like Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie. But the reality is most people know that's unrealistic and they actually value people for a lot more than just their looks.

It's clear that your boyfriend ONLY cares about looks. This is why I think it's a big problem. You said yourself, he doesn't care about your hobbies your interests or your life. He doesn't want you to have hobbies unless the hobby is about maintaining your looks. Gym and diet. He also calls you an airhead and ditzy and I don't think that's actually a joke.

If you married him, what he said about Wynona Ryder he'll say about you. If you have kids and get some stretch marks or put on some weight, if you get older, he'll think you're ugly because your good looks are gone. He won't think much of you because he won't love you as a whole person but only how you looked. 

Also, I think a person who values looks as only the number one thing in life is "empty". They're not interested about learning things, doing different activities, getting to know other people and what makes them tick. Everything they care about is very surface level.

[itsallgrand]

I'm sure you're beautiful. But you know, as a gorgeous young woman you can walk into any bar and get these kinds of compliments all night if you want. It's like shooting fish in a barrel. 

So what else does he have going? A relationship can't thrive off of just him finding you hot. And you could have your pick of guys who won't skimp on loving all the other parts of you, so why put up with a guy who will 100% erode your true self confidence over time if you stick around. 

This is him at his best. He's already picking away at you. It'll get so much worse.

In short, you can do better. 

[catfeeder]

It's good that you're questioning all of this, and I credit your intelligence to come to the right conclusion for you when you are ready.

I can only speak for myself. I'm not an eggshell walker. I've been on my own for far too long to put up with a relationship that doesn't feel congruent with my sense of Self.

So one litmus test might be, would I feel comfortable with him seeing me in my sweats with a head cold?

If I'd feel too self conscious to relax around a guy while ugly, then he might make a great stylist or something for someone else, but he wouldn't belong in my life.

[smackie9]

he's a bit misogynistic...only values a woman based on her appearance. He's treating you like an inanimate object. He dresses you, tells you what to eat, how you should look, just like a play thing or a doll. This all about himself and cares nothing about your feelings. You can't make him enjoy your personality, respect you, etc. He has a low opinion about you are a person and that is very clear with his underhanded insults. This is how he is...something in his brain/intelligence is missing, he's not a nice guy. There is one answer to this and it's to get out or he will become more mentally abusive as he pushes your self esteem down even further. This is about control, and getting what HE wants. You are going to have to push your feelings aside and take a good hard look at what this really is.

[SooSad33]

23 hours ago, libra said:

He’s extremely looks-focused, even indicating that my appearance is one of the biggest reasons he wants to be with me. Which, inherently I don’t think is wrong- attraction is very important in a relationship and it boosts my confidence that he’s so crazy about my looks- but it’s the extent to which he takes it that makes me feel a little undervalued for who I am. He likes to shop for me and help me pick outfits, he encourages me to diet and we joined a gym together- all of which have been with the intent of being helpful and healthy, which I do not mind at all. But- part of me worries that he doesn’t value much about me beyond that. He makes jokes about my intelligence, calling me ditzy and airheaded (it’s pretty lighthearted, but still), a lot of “at least you’re pretty” jokes. He doesn’t have much interest in my job or hobbies, and thinks many of my personal tastes are “dorky.”

No, none of this is right! He is a dork.

A true partner needs to 'appreciate' you for ALL that you are.  This, with him is not healthy.  Yeah, he's got issues 😕 .

I'd consider removing myself from this one, if I were you.  Don't let it continue.  He's not respectful at all, with his snide comments, etc.

People's looks do change in time- then what?  he dumps you and it was all fake?

I feel, deep down you already know this - which is why you're mentioning it.

Has only been a few months. is it now time to walk?

 

[tattoobunnie]

On 7/9/2022 at 2:55 PM, libra said:

Is it partially just that we’re still a fairly new couple and the honeymoon hormones haven’t worn off? 

Nope.  He's a shallow POS who is completely ugly on the inside and is deeply insecure, so he overcompensates by making it all about your looks and the way others look.  You will always walk about on egg shells, and never be happy with someone like this.

So, if you get pregnant one day and gain weight or get sick, he can break up with you because you are no longer meeting his standards.  A man like this is a dime a dozen loser.  Whatever you do, this is not normal, and there are so many MEN (REAL MEN) out there that will think you are their sun and stars just by being yourself, and listen and value what you have to say and what you think.

[Rose Mosse]

This was Saturday. Today is Monday. I hope you dumped him over the weekend. 

[HeartGoesOn]

He's looking for a Barbie doll, therefore I'd bow out.  It's not your job to train him, change him, etc.  

I'd take him off his high horse, and leave him in the dust.

[Lambert]

So shallow is trait that works for you?

You know everything you need to know about this guy.  

[Jaunty]

Ew.  I don't know how you can stand the guy.  He's superficial and is all about how you look, which is bad enough - but how do you rationalize all the belittling and insulting comments on your intelligence and disinterest in anything about you?

No matter how hot you are, it won't last and there is always someone hotter.  Not much to hold onto here.