Husband wants a postnup after 19 years?

[KMCD]

After a difficult year me and my husband separated, I moved out of our home and took our 3 children for 4nights a week with me and 3 with him. We separated with the intent of seeing if space and marriage counselling could help us and it has … or at least so far. After 2months I have come back to our home whilst we continue the counselling. Now my husband wants me to sign a postnup because he says he feels he has no security if I decide we can't fix our marriage. We have been together for 19 years, our whole adult lives, have 3 children together but he was able to save for the deposit on our house as he earn more and worked more (I have always worked but also the primary carer for our children so limited on what I could do). He wants to be able to buy me out of our home for about 20% of it's equity, wants his savings to be untouchable by me so that he can buy me out and keep the house. I will not sign anything without advice from a lawyer and feel that even though I couldn't save for the deposit or save at all I still have a right to something fairer than that? As I say I have always worked, always paid 50% of the bills, rent/mortgage and general cost of living but couldn't earn more to save for anything else. What are anyone's thoughts about this?

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, KMCD said:

I have come back to our home whilst we continue the counselling. Now my husband wants me to sign a postnup because he says he feels he has no security if I decide we can't fix our marriage.  He wants to be able to buy me out of our home for about 20% of it's equity, wants his savings to be untouchable by me so that he can buy me out and keep the house. I will not sign anything without advice from a lawyer 

Sorry this is happening. Do Not sign this. Yes, consult an attorney asap. Divorce is not a DIY situation and he is offering a raw deal.

Are the kids under 18? 

[KMCD]

Yes 2 of them are and the eldest is now 18, when we separated I left, we both wanted to see if we could fix it and now I have come back and he says he wants security. We are both on the mortgage and as I said I couldn't afford to help with the money for the deposit but I always thought that was part of the reason I was the one to always have the children and my earnings be less so that he could earn more. Like a partnership of one does this part the other does this and together we creat a home with a mortgage, nice living for our children and so on. We have been together since we were 17, so everything we have acquired over the last 19years i thought we had acquired together but he is saying that I am acting entitled and unrealistic to what I have earned and deserve. 

[KMCD]

Also my husband is adamant he doesn't want a divorce but wants a postnup as he says it will give him back his security 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, KMCD said:

Also my husband is adamant he doesn't want a divorce but wants a postnup as he says it will give him back his security 

It makes no sense. Just ask an attorney about it. Do not sign anything. Do things legally. For example do not abandon the marital home. Is he abusive in other ways?

Like a prenuptial agreement, a postnuptial agreement is only valid in the event of a divorce, it sounds like a trick for when he divorces you.

Ignore what he tells you. He's clearly setting the table for divorce if he wants you to sign something like this. Or trying to prevent you from obtaining your legal rights in divorce.

[DarkCh0c0]

I definitely think you should consult a lawyer asap and DO NOT sign anything.

How come he blames the marriage working only on you?

1 hour ago, KMCD said:

he feels he has no security if I decide we can't fix our marriage.

This takes two to work. And it very much sounds like he has one foot out of the door already and the divorce is in planning. He doesn't see you as his partner anymore, and it's only a matter of time before you divorce. So he's preparing his safety net selfishly.

Do not sign a damn thing.

[KMCD]

When we separated I left our home with our children because he refused to leave. He's not physically abusive but refused to give me space, he wouldn't even let me sleep on the sofa instead of sharing a bed. When I left I was angry and wanted space to understand all of the anger, it did help and brought to light a lot of things that needed to be addressed such as him being out all the time, snapping at me if I asked when he might be home, he was booking holidays without us which is fine but not all the time with no time put in for me and our children. I also haven't gotten over his affair that he had 4 years ago, I know that is a long time but I think that's why his behaviours were making me so angry and paranoid. So I left because I really needed it, we started counselling and he is not a fan of it but plenty of people don't like counselling so I understand, I just wanted to know we had tried everything. I've only been home for a week but this definitely feels like his way of preparing for divorce and making sure he can keep what he feels is his

[KMCD]

Also before leaving our home with the children I did get legal advice as I didn't want to lose any rights to it but I was advised that as I am on the mortgage it was not necessary for me to stay. They advised me it was obviously better for the children if I stayed with them in the house as I am the main carer but that I could not make him leave so it didn't leave much of an option and still doesn't 

[DarkCh0c0]

37 minutes ago, KMCD said:

light a lot of things that needed to be addressed such as him being out all the time, snapping at me if I asked when he might be home, he was booking holidays without us

 

37 minutes ago, KMCD said:

I also haven't gotten over his affair that he had 4 years ago,

And it didn't occur to you that he was cheating again? He's a cheater and he's been cheating. That's why he wants a postnup. To cover his own a$$.

I advise you stop trying with someone who isn't worth it. He cheated on you. He doesn't care about anything but controlling you.

Get yourself a reality check and some self-respect. You need to accept that he's not the man you idealise. He's not a good husband nor father. Please divorce him and don't sign ANYTHING. I'm really sorry, but this is what you need to hear.

[itsallgrand]

Oh he's twisting things around and his "offer" to rebuild trust is absolute crap. He's looking to clean you out and set himself up. 

Game over. He is no longer operating on good faith. Now you have to be clear headed, calm, and strategic in order to make sure you don't get screwed at the end of this. 

 

[Pleasedonot5]

It's possible the separation scared the living daylights out of your husband, and he is convinced that if anything like that happens again, he should be prepared. I say take him at his word that he is not planning to divorce you, but do not sign the postnuptial agreement unless and until you consult independent legal counsel. Consulting legal counsel will help you figure out what the proposed agreement would mean (& its legal enforceability) and what other options you might have available. 

Just as you wrote above, a partnership like this is a team effort. I hope you two can approach this with cool heads and figure collaboratively what deal (if any) each partner is willing to accept. I'm glad you both are actively working on your marriage, and wish you the best of luck as you work to overcome this present hurdle. 

[KMCD]

Thank you, I think I could understand if he wanted something that made it so it was 50/50. The more security he wants to take for him means less security for me, that's the part that is making my alarm bells ring and I don't know why he thinks it's okay to ask that of me, to expect me to sign for 20%, if we did go down a route of divorce it would take away almost all of mine and my children's security, I wouldn't dream of him having anything less than 50% as we have been together the whole of our adult lives, it feels crazy to me and I am pretty sure the solicitor will say the same thing. I just don't understand where he is coming from 

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you.

I would calmly tell husband that I don't view this as a postnuptial agreement, but rather a predivorce agreement.

Then I'd close my mouth and hear what he has to say.

There is no way on green earth that I'd sign such a thing, but I'd certainly take it to a family law attorney for legal advice on my present and future options and the best steps to take for each option.

I'd view this as the settlement husband would seek in a divorce, and I'd want to know how I can arm myself against it.

[Lambert]

I think he is saying it's because he feels insecure... but he's only saying that to guilt you into signing it and then he'll turn the tables on you. 

Don't sign anything that is less than 50/50

We, as a society need to stop expecting women to be full time care givers and full time bread winners. 

You might not have contributed as much cash, but he had clean underwear didn't he? 

Do not fall for his crap. He cheated. So you know he is selfish and capable of putting his own needs first.

You need to make sure you put yourself first. 

[Seraphim]

You are being hosed. Get a lawyer . 

[Andrina]

Depending on where you live, you could be entitled to half of his pension if he has one, and half of his retirement savings at the date of the divorce if he has any. 

Do not feel guilty about getting what you deserve. There is a reason those rules are in place. I'd divorce as soon as possible for the sake of your children and yourself, before he squanders all of your combined money on more vacation trips, and whatever else he spends, on his affair partners. Even if you don't believe you deserve every bit of money owed to you, think of how it could come in handy if God forbid your kids need it for medical expenses and any other family emergencies. Don't let him guilt you out of it. You were supposed to be a team with combined income, not separate entities where the higher earner is the only one who benefits when the marriage tanks.

Begin removing him from your credit cards and bank accounts if he his a co-owner. And do not leave the family home again. I think you were given bad advice there. Read more up on that matter.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Tinydance]

I think you definitely need to talk to a lawyer and also find out all the laws in your state/country regarding this type of situation. I know that in Australia, if you were married or actually only a de facto partner, you're entitled to 50% of what you owned with that person. And they're entitled to 50% of yours. I'm pretty sure that it doesn't really matter if one person worked more than the other person, therefore paid for more assets. Everything can be split 50/50 within reason in a divorce.

I don't know what the laws in your country are so definitely don't sign anything and get all the legal advice first.

[Seraphim]

He has proven to be selfish and still proving that. He is willing to leave you and his kids destitute while he makes off like a bandit with the life you built TOGETHER . Think about that. 

[waffle]

2 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

 

And it didn't occur to you that he was cheating again? He's a cheater and he's been cheating. That's why he wants a postnup. To cover his own a$$.

My thoughts exactly.  As I was reading the first post I was thinking "this guy has someone on the side."  Then OP admitted he's had affairs before.  Now it makes a lot more sense.  Him being out all the time and not saying when he'll be home, going on vacation "by himself" (right) 🙄

 Ask yourself if it's to your advantage at all to sign his ridiculous "offer."  Obviously it's to his advantage, not yours, so there's no reason for you to sign anything.  But you do need to see a lawyer because you need to start preparing for divorce.  Because that's where this is headed.

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, KMCD said:

... I couldn't afford to help with the money for the deposit

You've raised this twice as though it matters. It does not.

Married couples, especially those raising children together, are considered equal in their division of labor and earnings regardless of who pulls what kind of paycheck.

The only marital assets that can be contested are those one partner has brought into a marriage as the owner of them prior to the marriage. Laws differ on this depending on location, but they are irrelevant in your case, as you built your collective assets together as married partners.

So take the whole deposit thing out of your vocab.

Husband is lowballing you because he's aware that he doesn't stand a chance of stripping you of your rightful equity in a divorce. So he's strung you along through counseling to pretend a desire to reconcile in the hope of stripping you in advance.

Don't fall for it.

[melancholy123]

Dont sign anything.  Get a lawyer asap.  What he wants to do cant be done in Canada, it has to be fair meaning 50/50.  I dont know where you live so you need to know the law in your area.  He's trying to swindle you.

[poorlittlefish]

Your husband might still be in the marriage in body, but definitely not in spirit.  His head is already out of the door and he's trying to kid you into signing away your rights.  It's not like you've only been married for 5 minutes and there are 3 children involved - you're entitled to your fair share and he knows it.  What your husband is trying to do is greedy and manipulative.  Tell him you need time to think about it if you must, but appoint a lawyer asap.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, KMCD said:

 as him being out all the time, snapping at me if I asked when he might be home, he was booking holidays without us which is fine 

Sorry this is happening. Stop going to marriage counseling. Instead invest in individual counseling where you can get honest feedback on your situation. 

He is still having affairs if he's mysteriously out constantly and vacations "alone". Add to that this rediculous postnuptial he wants so he and his mistress have a cushy life and you and your children get burned in the divorce.

You're being bulldozed and brainwashed. Your best friends right now are a qualified therapist who'll advise you and an attorney who'll give you accurate advice.

Let go of the notion that he's trustworthy. Take care of yourself and your children.

[Batya33]

14 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Married couples, especially those raising children together, are considered equal in their division of labor and earnings regardless of who pulls what kind of paycheck.

This seems correct but also common sense-you were working all these years inside the home and imagine the thousands of $$$ you saved on daycare, nannies, etc.

[spinstermanquee]

Recently had this conversation with STBXH... he firmly believed everything we built/acquired during the relationship was 50/50 and even called me out on my family inheritances as qualifying as joint property.  We didn't involve lawyers we are doing the divorce ourselves (because we always agreed, from the beginning, that once attorneys get involved they are the ONLY ones that win), but it sounds like YOU can't trust HIM.  Get an attorney, he wants to mess with you.  Good luck and God speed.