Found a condom in GF's drawer.....

[joe_3611]

Ok- the synopsis- I met this woman in 2017, started dating in Dec of that year. We fell in love pretty quickly, she had ended a 7 year relationship about 4 months earlier that had been dying for some time. I had just lost an ex GF to a terminal disease about 4 months prior as well. Although we broke up before she fell ill, I stayed on to help take care of her from 2014 to 2017 when she passed. Anyway, my GF and I have been together for almost 4.5 years and had all the normal bumps in the road, we separated a few times for a few weeks twice in that time. About 2 months ago, I broke up with her over her emotional and substance issues(she sometimes blacks out from alcohol/THC recreation), saying that I could not continue with things as they were. We spent a few weeks apart, then tried to reconcile, which crash landed quickly, as there were still issues we both had separately and together. She started counseling for her emotional issues and is very bent on improving herself, and in my eyes is doing good. I have started my own journey of self-improvement and am doing well also. We reconciled again about 2 weeks ago and things have been much better, but there was something I could not put my finger on. I spent the night at at her house and this AM and she left for work early. I got a wild hair and......snooped in her bedside drawer(yes, VERY wrong of me, I know). In the back was a single Trojan Magnum condom under a piece of folded paper that looked brand new(btw that is my size too, IF we were ever to use condoms). We don't use condoms, never have, and this had an expiration of 4/1/2025. Trojans have a 5 year shelf life, so this condom was likely made in April 2020. It was on top of a box with some old condoms that expired in 2018(obviously from her ex, and they were NOT magnums). We have incredible sex and there has never been any reason for me to go outside the relationship and we have both agreed that we have never had better sex in our lives- this I believe. I have never had the desire, honestly, to go outside the relationship but I have had a few women cheat on me that I was supposedly in a long term monogamous relationship with(including the woman who passed above, rest her soul), so there are underlying trust issues. 

 

I am at a loss with this, because although we were separated recently, there was frequent communication since we broke up, and there was only 1 weekend that I believe there was any chance of her hooking up with somebody. Add to this, she was visibly devastated by our breakup and I could see the weight loss, the stress on her, etc, and would not expect this from her, despite her problems.I was mostly ok with the breakup. She has a 14 year old son that lives with only her and he stays there all the time, so if somebody else were there, he'd know it and it might feel weird having me around again so soon after she had potentially hooked up. Since this condom was made in April 2020 and we have not had any issues since before the pandemic, I don't know how that condom would have gotten there before then 4/2020, so I don't know what to think. Yeah, yeah, I get it, we were "broken up" for about 7 weeks, but "together"  for about 3 weeks out of the 7 and have been in close contact except for the 1 weekend mentioned above. She is not the type, I believe, to just go out and hook up- I am 48 and she is 40, and neither of us goes out that often, but the weekend in question she did go to see some live music with her best friend, who coincidentally owns a house next door to my GF. 

I got antsy and freaked out and traveled to the CVS up the street from her house and looked at the Magnums there. The display looked somewhat barren and that CVS never has more than 1 person in it at a time and is NEVER busy at all.  2 out of 3 of the 3-packs of Magnums there had THE EXACT expiration date and they were at the front of the dispenser. I went to a few more stores nearby, unfortunately now sickly obsessed with finding the average expiration date of Trojan Magnums. All of them were January 2026 expiration and newer, which means they were made in 2021. 

Is it a coincidence that the condoms a half mile from her house were of the EXACT same date as the one I found? And yes I know I'm an a-hole for snooping, but since my trust has been broken several times in the past and I though this woman was different, I am destroyed.I probably deserve it for snooping, honestly. 

I am torn between confronting her which will most definitely permanently end the relationship and just ending it quietly and slowly. I am pretty banged up about this turn of events, but maybe I deserved it for my wrongdoing. 

If we were "On a break" this would be perfectly within reason and I would have no choice but to accept it, but like I said, the only time I could see that happening was the 1 weekend in question. If it happened DURING the relationship, what would I do? Thank her for being considerate enough to have the guy wear a condom?

[Kwothe28]

32 minutes ago, joe_3611 said:

Is it a coincidence that the condoms a half mile from her house were of the EXACT same date as the one I found?

Probably not. However, as you can see from other expiration dates, you cant for certanty know the date when they are bought. Maybe its 2 years ago, maybe its recent. My wild guess is that they are not bought in 2020. However, as they are the same date as the one in store, they are probably bought there.

You picked an unreliable partner. Somebody with issues that goes blackout with substance abuse. Are you really surprised that somebody like that maybe has a tendency to sleep with somebody else? It starts like that, with a hint. As you can see, if you dig deeper, who knows what you will find. Messages, maybe even something ongoing.

Rest is on you. You cant ignore it so confrontation is an option. There you would get even more lies or some half baked excuses why if you press it further. So, prepare for that. Instead of snooping around, just ask and see what you get. And see if you will stay or leave.

[joe_3611]

I failed to mention that I have the condom, so during the confrontation that will definitely happen in about 2 hours, I will produce it and if she ever looks for it in her drawer, it is obviously not there.

[boltnrun]

You don't trust her. Therefore there's no reason to continue the relationship.

[joe_3611]

7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You don't trust her. Therefore there's no reason to continue the relationship.

I unfortunately agree.

[DarkCh0c0]

On and off relationships are toxic and are signs of major incompatibilities. You are trying to come back together and reconcile the unreconcilable.

And now you have a sign that she may be cheating.

Time to leave this toxic dynamic and focus on healing by yourself. That's no use of trying to make this work over and over... You're better off healing and then finding a healthier match.

[Rose Mosse]

Get checked for STDs and protect your health also. You were likely very vulnerable after the loss of your previous partner when you met her. I think grief counselling is something to consider if you haven't felt like you've had a chance to fully accept the loss of someone close to you.

You're making up for one by adding another who just isn't the right fit for you. It may be hard to close the door on this relationship knowing that you're giving up on someone else. 

In the best case scenario where she purchased condoms and never used them or was with anyone else, the fact remains that you still do not trust her and are driving yourself mad like this running back and forth to a store to check the dates of condom boxes. Would you spend a minute asking yourself if life is meant to be lived like this? 

[Lambert]

I'm sorry you are in such a tizzy.

You're wasting your time and energy on craziness. You're looking at condom displays to find answers about you relationship. 

Sorry to be so blunt... But you know this is not a healthy relationship and what needs to happen. 

[Tinydance]

I think the first step would probably be to stop going around all the shops looking at expiration dates on Trojan condoms lol I don't think you're going to find the answer there because it doesn't tell you if your girlfriend actually slept with someone else or why she had that condom in the drawer. I think although it's very awkward to admit you snooped, you might have to actually ask her about it. It's driving you crazy and it just doesn't seem like you can probably get any peace of mind unless you talk to your girlfriend.

I was a bit confused what you said about you and your girlfriend being broken up/on a break and then reconciling? Did you actually break up, then after seven weeks get back together? What was actually discussed when you had that break?

It's completely understandable that it's hurtful if she slept with someone else. The thing is though, if you actually broke up or were on a break, technically you weren't together during that time. When people break up they are broken up during that period of time. Sometimes people decide to get back together, sometimes they don't, but if they break up the understanding is they are actually broken up for that period time. I didn't actually fully understand that part of your story about being on a break with her so that's why I'm not sure what the situation actually was.

What I find odd/interesting though is that your girlfriend only had one condom in the drawer. You seem to be under the impression that the condoms were bought recently. Usually if someone bought condoms, they'd buy a box and have the box in the drawer. You can't really buy only one condom unless you buy it from a vending machine that they sometimes have in bathrooms. So I don't know if that means your girlfriend did just spontaneously decide to hook up and bought a condom from a vending machine. Or whether it's some old condom lying around. Very hard to know either way and it's just guessing really. 

Edited May 18 by Tinydance

[smackie9]

You might want to check if the 14 year old has the same in his bedroom. Teenagers will do the nasty when the parents are out and do it in their parent's bed. It might be hidden in the drawer for his use later. Just saying anything like that is possible. 

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

You might want to check if the 14 year old has the same in his bedroom. Teenagers will do the nasty when the parents are out and do it in their parent's bed. It might be hidden in the drawer for his use later. Just saying anything like that is possible. 

Ew! But true! 

[reinventmyself]

Are you 100% certain that condom hasn't been there the entire time?   I personally can't tell you what's in my bf of 5 years drawers.

Maybe she considered doing something while you two were broken up.   That would be in her prerogative.  Breaks = are broken up.

Though I don't condone snooping, there are times that you may have some definite signs and need further proof.  You also have to prepared to act on what you find.   Is it worth blowing things up over what she may have done when you two were broken up?

What exactly did she do to that motivated you to start looking through her things to begin with?  Has she been a faithful partner while you two are together?  I believe if we go looking for things, you are likely to find something even if it's unfounded.  Now you've created this possible unnecessary firestorm of mistrust.

I guess the question is, is she not trustworthy or do you have trust issues?

[waffle]

On 5/17/2022 at 4:11 PM, joe_3611 said:

. . . the only time I could see that happening was the 1 weekend in question. If it happened DURING the relationship, what would I do? Thank her for being considerate enough to have the guy wear a condom?

Likely she's going to be (or already is) having unprotected sex with others and you get to start wearing the magnums, Big Boy. 😉 

[SooSad33]

Yeah, I've got to admit, this is a mess....

YOU have trust issue's.  YOU went sneaking around and You BOTH did break up - but not for long.

SHE has some major issue's on how she is 'handling things' in her life at this time.

Sorry if you are so majorly disappointed, but you just don't know!  You've made a huge deal out of something you found.

As for your breaking up - I am pretty sure things are NOT okay.  She has an addiction?  That does not go away in a month.  I think someone like this needs ongoing prof help.  And so often a relationship can just add more pressure's ( right?) .

It may be time to start seeing all of these factors and working on facing reality.  No matter why the darn condom is there, many more issue's are still present.

I do not see this relationship as healthy at all.

She needs ongoing help to battle her issue's/ addiction, etc and You should seek some therapy as well. As Im sure you are affected by this experience with her and from your past.

 

[lostandhurt]

You looked in the drawer for a reason. Your gut was telling you something was off so you snooped.

  I think if you take a step back and look at the  relationship you will see it  is not good overall. 

She has a 14 yr old living with her full time and she smokes weed and gets black out drunk often enough for you to break up with her over it.  Poor parenting is a red flag, addiction is a red flag, on again off again relationships are a red flag, severe emotional issues is a red flag.

 Could she be in a healthy relationship one day?  I believe she could but that is a few years down the road and a lot of hard work. 

 I know you want answers but I seriously doubt you get the ones you want from her, in fact I doubt you will believe her answers even if they are true.

 Here are the facts:  You were broken up so she can technically bang as many men or women she wants during that time unless you had specifically agreed it was a break and neither of you were to "date" anyone during the break.

She has addiction problems and you can do zero to help her with them, she needs to get clean and into a program all on her own.

 You have trust issues and you are in a relationship with a woman that does sketchy stuff.

Perhaps instead of accusing her of cheating on you (which is what you are doing) why don't you think long and hard about the relationship, what you had hoped it would be when you started dating and if it is even remotely close to that now.  If the relationship hasn't grown in a positive way then why continue?

 If you know for sure she cheated then sit down and talk about it but if not take stock of your issues and if she brings out the best in you or the worst.

 Lost

[catfeeder]

Quote

I broke up with her over her emotional and substance issues(she sometimes blacks out from alcohol/THC recreation), saying that I could not continue with things as they were. 

Her substance abuse isn't something that has resolved itself in any permanent way, but you're worried about a condom?

Couples that break up multiple times under the guise of resolving issues leave themselves open to whatever either ex-partner wants to do with themselves during the breakup.

So you either trust this woman to be loyal during your committed times, or you don't.

That's your answer, regardless of whatever she's done on her 'single' time.

This is a distraction from the larger problem--she's an addict.

AND, you can't do anything about that.