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Don't know how to handle this anymore advice needed.


coolgirl
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11 hours ago, coolgirl said:

I'm 41. 

I don't think leaving him a long voice recording showed your maturity.  That's like hiding behind a screen. I would have waited till you could have an actual adult back and forth conversation -not you venting or demanding better treatment but telling him "I feel badly when you____" and listening to his response.  Or if you don't care what the response is simply - to his face or on the phone "This is not working for me so I think we should go our separate ways."  I don't think you two are a good match and it's only been 6 weeks or so so I'd stop speculating about why this is so and just move on.

There is no basis for a friendship here -you want him to prioritize  you in a way he can't -he has a daughter and no job and he doesn't want to make you a priority right now.  You can't be a caring thoughtful person because you're accusing him of treating you badly.  You're not going to want to be supportive about his challenges as an unemployed dad.  You're not going to want to hear when he's ready to date again and you're not on his list. The part that feels sorry for him -well, friends respect each other and the pity for them is against that backdrop of respect and admiration.  You have neither for this person, not even the potential for it.

I'm sorry you're disappointed.

Edited by Batya33
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12 hours ago, coolgirl said:

He says he's broken up with his baby mama along time ago. I tried to check divorce and marriage records on him he had nothing on file. How was I supposed to know he turned into a whack job. I did some research on him and found a picture of his baby mama there daughter and him on her Facebook page. And she has his last name. But this was over 4 years ago. He said he's long broken up with her along time ago. Everytime I mention I want to come over he's always coming up with excuses. I'm fed up with him. 

If I found out someone was doing this level of creepy research on my child, I too would be making excuses not to see them. Sorry he's not exactly a whack job.

Cut your losses, there is nothing fulfilling for either of you. You can't trust him, and he's got way too much on his plate to deal with.

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5 hours ago, Coily said:

If I found out someone was doing this level of creepy research on my child, I too would be making excuses not to see them. Sorry he's not exactly a whack job.

Cut your losses, there is nothing fulfilling for either of you. You can't trust him, and he's got way too much on his plate to deal with.

I never said I researched his child. I found his ex on Facebook and seemingly she has his last name as well. And your telling me I have no right to be concerned ? If she is his ex then there shouldn't be a reason on why she would carry his last name in the first place. 

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9 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think leaving him a long voice recording showed your maturity.  That's like hiding behind a screen. I would have waited till you could have an actual adult back and forth conversation -not you venting or demanding better treatment but telling him "I feel badly when you____" and listening to his response.  Or if you don't care what the response is simply - to his face or on the phone "This is not working for me so I think we should go our separate ways."  I don't think you two are a good match and it's only been 6 weeks or so so I'd stop speculating about why this is so and just move on.

There is no basis for a friendship here -you want him to prioritize  you in a way he can't -he has a daughter and no job and he doesn't want to make you a priority right now.  You can't be a caring thoughtful person because you're accusing him of treating you badly.  You're not going to want to be supportive about his challenges as an unemployed dad.  You're not going to want to hear when he's ready to date again and you're not on his list. The part that feels sorry for him -well, friends respect each other and the pity for them is against that backdrop of respect and admiration.  You have neither for this person, not even the potential for it.

I'm sorry you're disappointed.

First of all I would had rather done this in person rather than having to do this over a text or voice message. When I try to reach him he does NOT pick up his phone even though I try tell him it's important or when I ask to see him he shrugs it off. If he has lost interest he should had been man enough and told me so I would cut my losses.

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14 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

The biggest problem is that you're way too attached to a guy you have only known a matter of weeks. That isn't healthy and it has lead you to see him as a boyfriend when it's quite clear he doesn't see you as his partner. You're making demands that a long-term girlfriend might make, not someone he's only had a handful of dates with. 

Just going to echo this, as I think you could stand to read it a few times over, and add that it's worth reflecting a bit on why this...

19 hours ago, coolgirl said:

I don't know if he is telling me the truth or not. That's why I don't trust him. That's why I have doubts about him. It's just something is off with him.

...is so intriguing to you, so attractive. All in all, this is a man you hardly know, have spent very little time with, and has shown little sustained interest in you. And in the brief time you've spent? He gives you a shady vibe to the point that you are researching his entire past with the tenacity of rogue FBI agent. Someone who triggers such nerves so early is someone to step away from, not dive into. 

1 minute ago, coolgirl said:

If she is his ex then there shouldn't be a reason on why she would carry his last name in the first place. 

My girlfriend, for whatever it's worth, had the last name of her ex-husband when we met. My mother has the last name of my father, and they divorced in 1984. Many people don't change names, especially when children are involved. But this is neither here nor there. To be going this deep into a stranger's life, because said stranger is failing to meet your fantasies, is a habit to break. 

In your shoes right now, I'd think of him as someone who entered your life to teach these lessons. Thank him in your head and fade out, as he's been fading from the very beginning. Next time you meet someone treat them as just that—a new person you've met, not a partner of many years. If that's a difficult prospect to consider, you might want to reflect a bit on why. Did you recently break up with someone, or is there some deep romantic issue from your past that feels unresolved?  

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25 minutes ago, coolgirl said:

If he has lost interest he should had been man enough and told me so I would cut my losses.

Just to stress: So long as your approach (to him, to men in general) is to dictate how they should act, what they should do, and so forth, you are going to be very disappointed, especially when it comes to men who have in no way, shape, or form committed to you. 

I can only speak for myself, but I've generally found that people behave much the same way in ending things as they do in things, even things this brief. So it's not a shock that he has been vague, opting for the nebulous fade out rather than a straightforward "I'm not feeling this" memo. Frustrating, for sure. But it's a mirror to the same things that have long been frustrating you, no?  

You don't cut your losses when someone gives you permission, or is "man enough" to express himself in a certain way. You cut your losses when you stop having gains. And the best part? You get to decide that moment. I think a lot of your anger right now is connected to you outsourcing that agency to him. Grab it back and you're likely to find yourself feeling a whole lot better. 

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I still have my ex husband's last name and we've been divorced for over 20 years.

Are you hoping to "change" this man into the person you want him to be? Why? Wouldn't it make more sense to date someone who already is who we want our partner to be?

Remember, if someone has to change to be right for us, they're wrong for us.

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1 hour ago, coolgirl said:

First of all I would had rather done this in person rather than having to do this over a text or voice message. When I try to reach him he does NOT pick up his phone even though I try tell him it's important or when I ask to see him he shrugs it off. If he has lost interest he should had been man enough and told me so I would cut my losses.

Then you leave a polite message that you are trying to reach him and it needs to be done by phone or in person.  As you put it -then be "woman" enough not to do the cop out leave a ranting/venting message.  No excuse.  And if he didn't call back then it's over so no need to tell him how you feel.

I'm sorry it's not working out.

Edited by Batya33
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3 hours ago, coolgirl said:

First of all I would had rather done this in person rather than having to do this over a text or voice message. When I try to reach him he does NOT pick up his phone even though I try tell him it's important or when I ask to see him he shrugs it off. If he has lost interest he should had been man enough and told me so I would cut my losses.

OP, do you realize that you have not behaved like a mature woman who can actually take no for an answer?

In all fairness, I'm not surprised that he is both avoiding and kind of sort of maintaining contact lite because he is likely very afraid of you and what you might do to him if he just tells you to go away. After just a handful of dates you've behaved like a stage 5 clinger with a side of fatal attraction tossed in. Please get a grip on yourself and leave this man alone already. Enough is enough.

You are not in a relationship with him. You are not even dating at this point. Block and delete his number and then sort yourself out. Do you always act out like this and if not, what triggered you this time? What's going on with you? You are old enough to realize that when someone is not being consistent with you, is not asking your for dates, is avoiding you, etc, etc, etc - they are not into you and you need to stop chasing them, let alone leaving ranting messages about how someone you aren't even in a relationship with is not meeting your needs. Where is all this coming from OP?

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21 hours ago, coolgirl said:

I tried to check divorce and marriage records on him he had nothing on file.

This is what I find "whack job" -whomever does this, period!
I had a guy tell me early on in dating, that he had a way to find out about me and my finances (Something along those lines)

NOT CREEPY AT ALL...

Edited by Rox22
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5 hours ago, coolgirl said:

I never said I researched his child. I found his ex on Facebook and seemingly she has his last name as well. And your telling me I have no right to be concerned ? If she is his ex then there shouldn't be a reason on why she would carry his last name in the first place. 

I'm yelling at you it's creepy that you care so much about his ex-wife's name. They have a kid together, it's likely for co-parenting. Plus she can have any name she dang well pleases, even his full  name if she wants; it should not effect you at all.

You trust this man so little so early this should be a red flag. Let him go, find someone without an ex or kids.

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If I were dating a guy who lost the job he intended to keep until retirement and who was a parent responsible for an 8 year old, I'd be sympathetic and gracious enough to bow out of being his audience--and his critic.

He's probably overwhelmingly depressed, ashamed, stressed and in no way motivated to pretend normalcy for someone who's only been in his life for weeks yet demands it from him.

I would tell him, "I can't even imagine what this time must feel like for you. I like you so much, and I don't want to be an added stressor to you. I'm here if you ever want to talk or see me or can think of any way that I can be of help to you, but I'm also 'not here' if you'd prefer some space and privacy."

Then I'd go about living the life I've loved before him. I either like him enough to wait while he navigates this, or I don't. Not trusting him would mean a 'No', and I wouldn't even need to bail if he's not contacting me anyway.

So what's the problem here? Be in or out. If you're in, be sympathetic and back off, and if you're out, then just stop bothering him.

Read my sig.

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9 hours ago, coolgirl said:

When I try to reach him he does NOT pick up his phone even though I try tell him it's important or when I ask to see him he shrugs it off. If he has lost interest he should had been man enough and told me so I would cut my losses.

And what does that tell you? You are annoying him, and you are going to find yourself blocked if you don't stop. 

You are way over-the-top in your investment in this guy. 

Breathe. Put the phone down. And remember this person is not your boyfriend and most men would find your behaviour very off-putting. You're not going to get the resutls you want if you try to force a relationship on someone and don't know when to back off and have some boundaries. 

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43 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

If I were dating a guy who lost the job he intended to keep until retirement and who was a parent responsible for an 8 year old, I'd be sympathetic and gracious enough to bow out of being his audience--and his critic.

He's probably overwhelmingly depressed, ashamed, stressed and in no way motivated to pretend normalcy for someone who's only been in his life for weeks yet demands it from him.

I would tell him, "I can't even imagine what this time must feel like for you. I like you so much, and I don't want to be an added stressor to you. I'm here if you ever want to talk or see me or can think of any way that I can be of help to you, but I'm also 'not here' if you'd prefer some space and privacy."

Then I'd go about living the life I've loved before him. I either like him enough to wait while he navigates this, or I don't. Not trusting him would mean a 'No', and I wouldn't even need to bail if he's not contacting me anyway.

So what's the problem here? Be in or out. If you're in, be sympathetic and back off, and if you're out, then just stop bothering him.

Read my sig.

When we met he had a job. When the store went out of business that when he started getting sad or depressed. I tried to be there for him giving him his room and space. I thought when it comes to dating the first few months should be happy stuff like going out on dates, having communication because he does lack that. Everytime I suggest let's get together even if it's a walk in the park he doesn't want to do anything. I mean he drags his feet when it comes to met up with him. This is where my frustrations come from. He would go on for days not talking to me and I'm supposed to be ok with that ? It's like your in the process of trying to get to know someone we barley spend together. Even if it's only for an hour he just doesn't want to find the time to get to know me. I'm not trying to be clingy or ask for attention I sympathize for the man and I'm sorry hes going through this.

He's completely shut down on me. He's been acting distant towards me. He says he cares if he does then at least he could make an effort and show me. I'm not asking for too much here. If you truly care about someone it be nice to touch base or make plans to see each other once in a blue moon he doesn't even want to do that. I'm know he's miserable but I'm sorry hes making me miserable with him. I even offered to help him find a job he declined. So I've known this man for a month and a half we've only been out 3 times. Does this sound right to you. 

Its not about my needs getting met. I could care less about my needs. How fair is this to me. I call him he doesn't want to pick up the phone, I text him it's takes him an hours to respond back even if it's something important like talking to him face to face he just shrugs it off like it's not important to him. And suddenly I'm the bad one here ? 

He may not be my boyfriend or we may not be in a relationship but actions do do speak louder than words. If he's not interested anymore I'd get it and wouldn't have hard feelings and let it go. But he hasn't been decent enough to tell me to my face. 

I have put up with this attitude of his for a month and a half. I'm usually an up beat person I'm sorry hes going through this like I said just because he's sad doesn't mean to make me sad with him. 

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2 minutes ago, coolgirl said:

If he's not interested anymore I'd get it and wouldn't have hard feelings and let it go.

You're not getting it at all, though. 

HIs behaviour is screaming that he is not interested anymore, yet you're just pushing harder and harder. Yes, it would be wise to tell you directly.

But he hasn't. He's hoping you will take the hint and stop. And no, you're not supposed to just be okay with that. You're supposed to take the hint that he's not into you like that.  So, do just that. This is done, girl. 

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1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

If I were dating a guy who lost the job he intended to keep until retirement and who was a parent responsible for an 8 year old, I'd be sympathetic and gracious enough to bow out of being his audience--and his critic.

He's probably overwhelmingly depressed, ashamed, stressed and in no way motivated to pretend normalcy for someone who's only been in his life for weeks yet demands it from him.

I would tell him, "I can't even imagine what this time must feel like for you. I like you so much, and I don't want to be an added stressor to you. I'm here if you ever want to talk or see me or can think of any way that I can be of help to you, but I'm also 'not here' if you'd prefer some space and privacy."

Then I'd go about living the life I've loved before him. I either like him enough to wait while he navigates this, or I don't. Not trusting him would mean a 'No', and I wouldn't even need to bail if he's not contacting me anyway.

So what's the problem here? Be in or out. If you're in, be sympathetic and back off, and if you're out, then just stop bothering him.

Read my sig.

Also that's what I told him. That once he finds what he's looking for and that he's settled at his new job as far as career wise we'll talk then. It's not right to bring someone into your life while going through this tumoril and make the other person miserable with you. I tried my best to show moral support and have empathy for him. 

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OP watch a man's actions, not words. You're so hung up on his words and the fantasy in your mind.

His actions do not align. Just stop talking to him and move on to more available people. Life happens and it's not something you have control over. Let go and accept the present.

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2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

You're not getting it at all, though. 

HIs behaviour is screaming that he is not interested anymore, yet you're just pushing harder and harder. Yes, it would be wise to tell you directly.

But he hasn't. He's hoping you will take the hint and stop. And no, you're not supposed to just be okay with that. You're supposed to take the hint that he's not into you like that.  So, do just that. This is done, girl. 

He could had handled himself better. And be honest on the get go that's the right thing to do. When I tried to break things off with him the first time he couldn't take the hint and leave me alone. So he texted me the next day. I wasn't trying to change this man. His behavior and the way he treats women was really uncalled for. So the 2nd time I told him not to contact me anymore hopefully he'll get the hint. 

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3 minutes ago, coolgirl said:

So the 2nd time I told him not to contact me anymore hopefully he'll get the hint.

So block him. 

Done. 

And next time, don't get so clingy and demanding when you barely know the guy. Learn how to bow out gracefully. It's going to scare men away and make you seem unstable, which I am sure is not the look you're going for. 

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2 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

OP watch a man's actions, not words. You're so hung up on his words and the fantasy in your mind.

His actions do not align. Just stop talking to him and move on to more available people. Life happens and it's not something you have control over. Let go and accept the present.

That's what I've been trying to say all along. That his actions show differently. If you say you care about someone act like you care. I'm just so sick and tired of dealing with these types of situations. Do you know how many times I've had to deal with crappy situation for about 17 years. That why I try to keep my gaurds up and not let anyone in my life easily anymore. I have been single for 2 years after my boyfriend died I just wasn't in a good place to date. My boyfriend cheated on me the one who died. And now this ? How much more can one person take ? Of childish nonsense games. 

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But OP, part of the problem is you. 

You are not extracting yourself from this. It's not up to him to cut you loose. You can cut yourself loose when you don't like the behaviour. Not rant and rave over how someone should act. You have no control over that. 

You need to do a better job of deciding for yourself when to walk away.

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Being busy seeking for job, taking care of his child, shouldn't b a barrier for not talking to u, at least 10 minutes each day of call n text should be ok if he wants that relationship to work.

If he can't do this daily, it is better to breakup with him  regardly of his excuse 

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