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Don't know how to handle this anymore advice needed.


coolgirl
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So on February 1st I met a guy on bumble the dating app. Everything was going well. He said he was attracted to me and that he likes me and wants to take the time to know me. I felt the same way too. At that time he was employed with the company he was working for but the company went out of business and now he's out of a job. Might I remind y'all he's a 47 year old man. 

We have seen each other, but as soon as he found out about his company closing down he started becoming distant. Over the course of February we've only seen each about 3 to 4 times. He barley iniates contact, he barley spends time with me, he barley talks to me to me. Come on actions do speak louder than words. 

He says he cares but to me that's a load of crap and I'm starting to have doubts about this man. I'm sick and tired of having to put in the effort of doing everything myself. I dont trust him. And I told him over a text how this is affecting me and that's not fair the way he's treating me. I am left him a lengthy voice recording that I can't do this. And that we should go our own separate ways and basically this isn't working for me. 

And I asked him nicely not to contact me anymore not to text or call me. So he left me alone for a day. The texted me the next day pretending everything is okay when it's not. And I told him he needs to change his ways of the way he's treating me. I get that we all have busy lives. And that things come up. It's not like I'm asking him to talk to me everyday. But I like to touch base with him sometimes. He does have an 8 year old daughter. So I understand he has to co parent with his ex. 

But there things that run through my head like what if he's sleeping with her while he's seeing me or what if that's his wife and living a double life. I just can't shake this feeling off. I like him. But the way his behavior is towards me is I don't like. I tell him I wanna talk to him about important stuff I tell him I rather do this in person he acts like he doesn't care when he says he does. It takes him forever to reply to one simple text or to pick up the phone and call me. 

Everytime I ask him when I could see him. He's always coming up with something. Either he's busy or doesn't have the time or that he's looking for a job. I've tried to be patient and understanding towards him but my patience is running low. 

I don't know what to do anymore. I tried to break it off with him once he didn't accept it. I feel like I'm stuck. I wanna try to distant myself and just see him as a friend and nothing more. I just don't know how to do that. How do you go from liking someone and just to be friends ? Am I doing something wrong that I'm not aware of ? Is the problem me or him ? Please any suggestions would do. I just don't know how to handle this situation anymore. Thanks for reading. Sorry if my post got long. 

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4 minutes ago, Whoeveriam said:

You mention his age, not yours. 

 

Is he significantly older?

 

Also, he may feel immasculated since losing his job. 

 

He may want to have relationship with you, but, can't afford to now.

I'm 41. 

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Being suddenly unemployed and having a child is going to put anyone through the wringer, and unfortunately you are going along for the collateral ride.

With all that's going on he is probably, and unfairly clinging to anything that is "normal" to him; and that means the budding relationship that you two were starting. Which honestly sucks for you as he is now using you unfairly as a crutch, as he is putting blinders on to the failing relationship while tackling all of this situation.

The only solution is for you to step away quietly, your frustrations being aired will not change how he acts and views things right now. Going no contact is the only way to detach yourself from this guy, as he will just double down on keeping things normal for now.

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One parting thought, how was the relationship prior to his company going down the tubes? Are you willing to wait for a while until he gets a new job?

I want to re-emphasize, that he isn't in a gods place to engage in a relationship, he is probably holding off meetings simply as he can't woo you as he is accustomed to.

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23 minutes ago, coolgirl said:

Am I doing something wrong that I'm not aware of ? Is the problem me or him ?

I think what you're doing, all in all, is exhausting yourself by trying to make this man into someone he isn't. There was a nice little spark on Bumble, I get it. But since then? He hasn't shown much romantic interest. If I've read this right, it seems you've only hung out a handful of times since Feb 1, when he capitulates to pressure, and that the bulk of your communication is about you trying to get him to be more communicative. 

4 minutes ago, coolgirl said:

I already feel attached to him.

To him, or to your idea of him and/or a desire for a relationship that predated him?

I'd give that some thought, since the actual him doesn't seem to have brought much into your life save for stress. Two months ago you didn't know he existed. Now you are lecturing him on how he has to "change his ways." Those kinds of talks are awful with someone you've been with for years, and generally unproductive even then. With someone you hardly know who is in no way committed to you? They're generally a sign that what you want and what you have are at diametric odds. 

Dating is a lot easier when you accept what people give you rather than trying to coax your own hopes for people out of them. I'm sorry he didn't end up being who you wanted him to be, but I think the sooner you can accept that the easier this will be—with him, and with dating more generally.

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I am gona defend a guy a bit...

He lost a job and has to support himself and his daughter. A very hard situation nobody would want to be with. All the while he met somebody. Who in the middle of all that shouts at him: "But what about me?! You dont have time for me! Maybe you are leading a double life and sleep with your "daughter"!?"(I know you didnt actually said that, but you did insinuated it)

Just saying that you arent really a considerate one in this situation.

I do agree that you should break up. You met a guy 7 weeks ago. Start of the relationship should be something magical. Where you get to know each other, where you are all over each other etc. However he cant give you that from obvious reasons and you dont have much empathy for that. So you are obviosly not for each other. Plus he is no place now for where he can give you the time of the day. So its better to go separate ways.

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You are wasting your time trying to make this guy do someone he doesn't want to by pestering him  to contact you more.  I think you like him much more than he likes you.

Also, he may still be with his wife and he has lied to you, you dont know that what he's told you is true.

You'd be better off to block and delete him and find another guy who is more straightforward than this guy is.

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23 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

You are wasting your time trying to make this guy do someone he doesn't want to by pestering him  to contact you more.  I think you like him much more than he likes you.

Also, he may still be with his wife and he has lied to you, you dont know that what he's told you is true.

You'd be better off to block and delete him and find another guy who is more straightforward than this guy is.

Thats what I've been trying to say. I don't know if he is telling me the truth or not. That's why I don't trust him. That's why I have doubts about him. It's just something is off with him. That's why I don't know him well enough to trust him. 

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35 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I am gona defend a guy a bit...

He lost a job and has to support himself and his daughter. A very hard situation nobody would want to be with. All the while he met somebody. Who in the middle of all that shouts at him: "But what about me?! You dont have time for me! Maybe you are leading a double life and sleep with your "daughter"!?"(I know you didnt actually said that, but you did insinuated it)

Just saying that you arent really a considerate one in this situation.

I do agree that you should break up. You met a guy 7 weeks ago. Start of the relationship should be something magical. Where you get to know each other, where you are all over each other etc. However he cant give you that from obvious reasons and you dont have much empathy for that. So you are obviosly not for each other. Plus he is no place now for where he can give you the time of the day. So its better to go separate ways.

Dear that's what I told him when I started to have doubts about him. He said he thought his job was gonna be for lifetime until they went out of business. He said how was I suppose to know the store was closing down. This happened after he met me. First of all I don't shout at him. I try to have a conversation with him which is hard to do given the circumstances that he barley picks up his phone or answers any of my texts. That's the problem he's not getting it because he's in lala land. First of all I have been considerate of his feelings but when it comes to my feelings he brushes it off. 

I do have empathy other than that I wouldn't had stuck it out for a month. I told him the same exact thing. That this is the start and shouldn't be like this and that we're supposed to get to know each other and hang out but he does not want to give the time of day to get to know me. I'm the one who is suffering as well because he can't seem to let go. And by blocking him not talking to him and plainly rude and I am not a rude person. 

I even told him get settled with your job. And when ever your ready to give your 100% contact me then. Just don't drag me along and make me miserable because I already am miserable. Dating shouldn't be like this. I told him you don't meet someone and drag them into your problems. You wait try to deal with the situation then go after a relationship. Now, his problem is my problem too. I told let's go our own separate ways after a day away he texted me. 

Like as if nothing happened. I'm trying to get to know this guy and it's so hard to do when he doesn't pick up his phone or see him for that matter. So I have been patient with him. Don't tell me otherwise.

You wanna defend the guy go right ahead but the way he's showing reaction is really uncalled for. I did nothing wrong to be dragged into someone else's difficulty in life. 

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You’ve only met 3-4 times so I wouldn’t call this a relationship. This is way too involved and heated. Is he living with his ex or still married (not divorced)? 

Choose someone who has their life together please, not projects and tough cases. Don’t school him on what he should do or not do. Do what’s right for you. 

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9 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

You’ve only met 3-4 times so I wouldn’t call this a relationship. This is way too involved and heated. Is he living with his ex or still married (not divorced)? 

Choose someone who has their life together please, not projects and tough cases. Don’t school him on what he should do or not do. Do what’s right for you. 

 

He says he's broken up with his baby mama along time ago. I tried to check divorce and marriage records on him he had nothing on file. How was I supposed to know he turned into a whack job. I did some research on him and found a picture of his baby mama there daughter and him on her Facebook page. And she has his last name. But this was over 4 years ago. He said he's long broken up with her along time ago. Everytime I mention I want to come over he's always coming up with excuses. I'm fed up with him. 

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2 hours ago, coolgirl said:

Thats what I've been trying to say. I don't know if he is telling me the truth or not. That's why I don't trust him. That's why I have doubts about him. It's just something is off with him. That's why I don't know him well enough to trust him. 

You have plenty of reasons to block and delete.  How many more do you need?  What's so wonderful about a guy you cant trust or believe?  Nothing.

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46 minutes ago, coolgirl said:

He says he's broken up with his baby mama along time ago. I tried to check divorce and marriage records on him he had nothing on file. How was I supposed to know he turned into a whack job. I did some research on him and found a picture of his baby mama there daughter and him on her Facebook page. And she has his last name. But this was over 4 years ago. He said he's long broken up with her along time ago. Everytime I mention I want to come over he's always coming up with excuses. I'm fed up with him. 

It’s ok to say goodbye. I’m curious if you pity him or feel sorry for him in some way. Is there something preventing you from just not responding? 

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10 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

It’s ok to say goodbye. I’m curious if you pity him or feel sorry for him in some way. Is there something preventing you from just not responding? 

 

A part of me feels sorry for him but at the same time I know something is not right here. Dating shouldn't be this complicated. I'm just hurt because I really thought he liked me. And I fell for it. To be avoided and my needs not being met. If he really did care he would moved heaven on earth trying to salvage this but his actions showed who he really is. I just ended things with him. I tried calling he wouldn't pick up so I left him a voice message. 

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41 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

You have plenty of reasons to block and delete.  How many more do you need?  What's so wonderful about a guy you cant trust or believe?  Nothing.

I know I have that option. And at some point I will. 

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Just now, coolgirl said:

A part of me feels sorry for him but at the same time I know something is not right here. Dating shouldn't be this complicated. I'm just hurt because I really thought he liked me. And I fell for it. To be avoided and my needs not being met. If he really did care he would moved heaven on earth trying to salvage this but his actions showed who he really is. I just ended things with him. I tried calling he wouldn't pick up so I left him a voice message. 

If he’s not picking up, he may be avoiding you so there is no other action needed. I’d block the contact immediately so you can give yourself rest and peace.

When someone makes you an option, don’t make them a priority.

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You're trying to force this to be a relationship when it's not, OP. 

The biggest problem is that you're way too attached to a guy you have only known a matter of weeks. That isn't healthy and it has lead you to see him as a boyfriend when it's quite clear he doesn't see you as his partner. You're making demands that a long-term girlfriend might make, not someone he's only had a handful of dates with. 

You don't trust him, you're fed up - so walk away. This isn't going to become the relationship you would like, and you're starting to make yourself look desperate and clingy. You don't want that. 

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9 hours ago, coolgirl said:

. Either he's busy or doesn't have the time or that he's looking for a job. 

Cut your losses. It's only 6 weeks and so many red flags. 

You're already annoyed and angry about texting. He has way too much to worry about.

Dating is not a priority. He has to find a job and take care of his child.

The only thing you are doing wrong is chasing after the wrong man.

Leave him alone. Date other men.

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9 hours ago, coolgirl said:

I don't know what to do anymore. I tried to break it off with him once he didn't accept it. 

If you choose not to continue the relationship, it's irrelevant whether he accepts it or not.  He doesn't get to override your decision just because he doesn't like it.  You firmly state, if you need to, that you do not wish to remain in contact with him, you block/delete and you move on.

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7 hours ago, coolgirl said:

First of all I don't shout at him.

I know, I was caricaturing. Because, again, you are still making this all about you

7 hours ago, coolgirl said:

Just don't drag me along and make me miserable because I already am miserable.

Very little empathy. But very big "me" talk.

I am not saying your feelings dont matter because they certanly do matter. You feel you should break up? That is an OK sentiment in this situation and you should do it. Just that you are expecting him to date you and dedicate to you like everything is fine. Even accuse him of sleeping with his daughter. While he lost pobably his only source of income. Its not really a realistic scenario and you should move away. It doesnt matter if he accepts that or not, if you feel that way, you feel that way. 

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8 hours ago, coolgirl said:

 don't drag me along and make me miserable because I already am miserable. 

He's not "dragging you along". He's pretty clear that he's busy and not interested.

Your mental health is your responsibility. He doesn't owe you anything. You're just using hateful, contemptuous language such as "babymama" to justify that he's just not that into you.

Go to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Rule out physical causes and ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Why would anyone want to text or date you when you're clear that you're so bitter angry and unrealistic?

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