Jump to content

Don't know how to handle this anymore advice needed.


coolgirl
 Share

Recommended Posts

4 hours ago, coolgirl said:

ts not about my needs getting met. I could care less about my needs. How fair is this to me. I call him he doesn't want to pick up the phone, I text him it's takes him an hours to respond back even if it's something important like talking to him face to face he just shrugs it off like it's not important to him. And suddenly I'm the bad one here ? 

Contradictory.  It's not about your needs.  But you need him to be "fair" to you in the specific way you define it.  So it is about your "needs" with a person you recently met who's going through a lot of challenges.

I agree with Catfeeder.  You're not "the bad one" -you made immature and self absorbed choices. He's not a bad one.  He's reacting to situations in his life and may also not be making the best choices -who knows.  Please avoid labeling like this - it won't help you find the right match - you'll be so self-absorbed with what is "fair" and who's "right".

Edited by Batya33
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

To continue -your approach doesn't bode well for the long term -I have been where you are -in my marriage.  Meaning I wanted to tell my husband something that was bothering me (this happened last night) right then.  But it absolutely didn't need to be said at all and not "right then".  I was tired so feeling vulnerable.  I realized my telling him wouldn't be sharing anything new, that he knew how I felt, he cared (even though at that moment he wasn't focused on it). I knew I could email him to have him see it later, or whatever.  I made the choice right then to be there for him by not telling him then. 

Turned out separately he was having a really hard time with a late night work situation that popped up - not all bad just stressful, intense.  He told me about it, I listened.  I was so happy I made the choice I did -imagine if I had given into my "need" to tell him, to vent even, and this while he was confronted with the work situation.  And knowing that it would be mostly about my getting it off my chest "right now". 

So because I was restrained, and self-talked, I was able to support him, he felt better, we laughed some and hugged and kissed.  This morning I feel better. Don't even feel like telling him.  I would have been "right" to share my feelings -technically- but what an immature, self-absorbed choice that would have been.  And his reaction (while under work stress) would have not helped the situation at all.  This is what I mean.  It's not about fair, or right or "who's the bad  guy" -it's about caring about someone enough to take your needs out of the equation until it's the right time, the right mode of communication, the right context. Not excusing it with "but he never picks up his phone". 

Edited by Batya33
Link to comment
Share on other sites

You wanted him to be your boyfriend. He's not going to be your boyfriend. So just block him from contacting you and go on with your life.

Two months ago you didn't even know this man existed. So no reason to get all upset over this.

Edited by boltnrun
  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 hours ago, coolgirl said:

That why I try to keep my gaurds up and not let anyone in my life easily anymore. I have been single for 2 years after my boyfriend died I just wasn't in a good place to date. My boyfriend cheated on me the one who died. And now this ? How much more can one person take ?

I'm really sorry to hear about all this. I can't imagine all the fraught, contradicting emotions that take root in processing all that: anger, mistrust, longing, regret, grief, and so forth. Have you had a chance to talk all that out with a therapist?  

I ask because it seems you're in a place where any small amount of discomfort connected to men and romance is triggering this much larger pain to the point where you're confusing the latter for the former. 

This man's behavior? It's the opposite of ideal, in terms of building a romantic connection or being clear that a romantic connection is no longer in the cards. But it's not cheating, it's not death. Logically you understand that, but emotionally it seems you're having trouble separating this moment in your present from your past. 

As you put it yourself: you have only seen this human being three times in six weeks, or just a handful of hours in your 41 years of life. No one you see three times in six weeks should be affecting you like this, or leading you to search through marriage records and Facebook pages. All that, I'm sorry to say, is far more concerning than how he has acted.  

How he has acted is like a man with a lot on his plate—lost job, kid to raise—and simply not being all that compelled by this brief stab at romance or forthright in expressing this. That's not a crime, so all this justice seeking is for nothing. What this is, as the saying goes, is life. Since it's not what you want, in and for your life, it's time to just walk away. 

 

 

 

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

9 hours ago, coolgirl said:

 How much more can one person take ? Of childish nonsense games. 

It's only a game if two people are willing participants.  You've gotten all the information you need as documented here in your post.  It's your choice whether you want to continue to get worked up over something that is clearly going nowhere.  Choose to walk away from someone who is not available.  Simple as that.

Edited by reinventmyself
  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

The bottom line is, this is it. It isn’t going change, no matter how hard you protest. You either accept things the way they are or you end things now before it gets any harder.

Ending things now will give you the opportunity to find someone who you can be truly happy with.

 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

32 minutes ago, Blue68 said:

The bottom line is, this is it. It isn’t going change, no matter how hard you protest. You either accept things the way they are or you end things now before it gets any harder.

Ending things now will give you the opportunity to find someone who you can be truly happy with.

 

Also you seem to have some cynical attitudes about men -perhaps a bit jaded? One thing that let me keep dating all those years -till age 39 was that my periods of jadedness lasted hours at the most and then I was moving on.  I always had good platonic friendships with men, genuinely liked men and avoided beating a dead horse- if someone wasn't regularly asking me out in advance in the beginning without a true emergency I was gone.  I mean even my husband asked me out two weeks in advance when we were first reconnecting because he knew he'd be out of town for over a week and wanted to make sure I wouldn't make other plans for a Saturday night (also it was right around my bday).  

People -and men are people!-can tell if you exude too much negative energy, hostility, suspicion especially in a dating context.  I always could tell . If you let yourself drag things out again and again you're likely to get all negative and that's a bad look.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 3/21/2022 at 9:35 PM, coolgirl said:

we're supposed to get to know each other and hang out but he does not want to give the time of day to get to know me. I'm the one who is suffering as well because he can't seem to let go. And by blocking him not talking to him and plainly rude and I am not a rude person. 

That faulty kind of thinking is the opposite of self-care. You've known someone 8 weeks and now you're tethered to them for a lifetime because you get out-of-the-blue texts from him now and then? 

Yeah, you will definitely not be rude, but you will be plain dumb to not block someone who is crystal clear he's just not that into you. Your reasoning is you trying to convince yourself to stay attached to him since you're having a dry spell and he's better than no one.

If he needs a shoulder to cry on, he can rely on family and friends for that. You don't owe him anything and rudeness is not accurate at all for this situation.

You have consistently reached out to him on back to back occasions and probably triple times without any mutual effort on his part. The true way to gauge a person's mutual interest is to let them make the effort at least half of the time at the beginning, so you're not wasting time into someone who is just going along for an effortless ride since he has nothing better to do at the time.

When he rejected an outing you suggested, you should have sat back and given him the opportunity to ask you to do something. And if he didn't within a reasonable timeframe, like a week, then the next time he texted with blather and no invitation to go on a date, that's when you should have said, "This isn't working for me. I'm looking for someone to regularly date so it's best we are no longer in contact. I hope the best for you." And then you block.

The longer you waste on Nowhere Men, the longer you will be alone as single men who would've wanted to date you can't get your attention 'cause you're in the house staring at a computer or your phone with someone who regularly ignores you. And staying "friends" with someone who isn't even a friend to you will drive away dating prospects. Because friends have to make an equal effort, just like romantic partners do.

Start dating more wisely and you will find better success.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 3/23/2022 at 6:34 AM, coolgirl said:

I never said I researched his child. I found his ex on Facebook and seemingly she has his last name as well. And your telling me I have no right to be concerned ? If she is his ex then there shouldn't be a reason on why she would carry his last name in the first place. 

That is such a problematic assumption. My mother was married to my father for 30 years before they divorced. She even remarried but kept my father’s last name. She always said that she wanted to have the same last name as her children. So, you are doing quite a bit of speculating and making very judgmental assumptions without considering that different people have different reasons for doing things. 

Take a huge step backwards and try to establish a bit more perspective. As many others have said, he is very busy taking care of his daughter and likely looking for a job. I’d actually be concerned if, at only 6 weeks, a man in his difficult position put all that on the back burner and prioritised you. Also, if you’ve leaked even a fraction of the attitude you are exuding here towards him prior to the unnecessary voice message you left him (and I strongly suspect you have), I would completely understand his stepping back from you.

I hope you can move forward with a bit more clarity and calmness so that you are in a good position to meet a man that is a compatible match for you.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by LotusBlack
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 3/22/2022 at 1:35 AM, coolgirl said:

he barley picks up his phone or answers any of my texts. 

he does not want to give the time of day to get to know me.

I did nothing wrong to be dragged into someone else's difficulty in life. 

So what are you sticking around for?   Clearly you are not happy with his actions and don't trust him.  It makes no sense.  

On 3/22/2022 at 1:35 AM, coolgirl said:

And by blocking him not talking to him and plainly rude and I am not a rude person. 

And him ignoring you isn't being rude?  Besides, it's not rude when you are doing it for your own emotional well-being.  You don't owe him anything.  You are making excuses here.  

On 3/22/2022 at 1:35 AM, coolgirl said:

You wanna defend the guy go right ahead but the way he's showing reaction is really uncalled for. I did nothing wrong to be dragged into someone else's difficulty in life. 

Why so angry? Again, if you feel that strongly about his actions why are you having anything to do with him?  There is nothing that this guy is doing that is making you happy ... NOTHING ... and, quite frankly, it doesn't sound as though you even like him.

I really don't know what you want us to say.  If we tell you to move on and block him, you say it's rude yet if we try and shed some light on his behaviour, you think we are defending his actions and you don't like it.  

Edited by Blue68
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

She always said that she wanted to have the same last name as her children. So, you are doing quite a bit of speculating and making very judgmental assumptions without considering that different people have different reasons for doing things. 

I was going to reply and say the same thing.  I kept my married name when I divorced because I too wanted to have the same surname as my children, especially whilst they were going through school.  

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 months later...
Posted (edited)
On 3/22/2022 at 4:34 PM, coolgirl said:

If she is his ex then there shouldn't be a reason on why she would carry his last name in the first place. 

coolgirl, there are a number of reasons one would retain the last name of ex:

1) continuity for children - fewer questions at school and doctors and AIRPORTS because they are all on the lookout for kids being trafficked

2) ease of pronunciation (especially if one's maiden name is unpronounceable in most markedly, the US where folks think US English is king and don't bother to learn the proper spelling and pronunciations of foreign names)

3) financial considerations when trying to get former name restored, it's more expensive than just keeping it and moving along

As for me, I tried to use my married name, failed miserably, so I have most everything under my maiden.  However, I was hassled repeatedly at airports when my daughter was 8-16 and we traveled every summer.  I still have to petition to get "my" name back in addition to divorce, plus I have to repeat in foreign country.  There are a lot of reasons to not change one's name back.  YMMV.  Best of luck my dear.

Edited by spinstermanquee
added the trafficking detail
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share


×
×
  • Create New...