My boyfriend gets mad when i don't answer the phone..

[itsprettylove]

So... Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year and a half, we never really had major problems in our relationship. He's loving to me he respects me and shows me support when I need it. He treats me good and is loyal to me, but recently there has been this problem when I don't answer the phone, he gets mad. I'm in college so I have tons of homework, there are times where I'm taking care of business outside of school stuff like that. I love him dearly, but this irritates me so much when this happens. 

Recently I will be at home, I normally lay my phone down somewhere because I'm really not constantly on my phone all of the time. He would call me, and I would miss it, but I would call him right back after he's called me. He would answer but would be short tempered with me and have an attitude towards me. I normally tell him that I didn't mean to miss your call and he doesn't believe me as if I'm hiding something from him. My phone sometimes doesn't pick up the call when I answer it and he think I'm lying or making some type of excuse when I accidently miss the phone call. There has been a time where he would get really mad at me and would yell at me every time, I say that I didn't mean to miss it!! and when I get mad, he says I act stubborn and don't want to listen to anything he tells me. It turns into a major argument and that's what I try to avoid because I don't have the time to argue over something stupid, so I let it go, but then it's another time where I missed a call from him on accident, but I was on the phone with my mom, so I didn't really want to hang up on her and call her back, so I told him I would call him back and he's like "Don't worry about it" and I'm like why and he's like "Because you have other things to do then sit and talk to me apparently" I mean I was being nice about it and was going to call him back but he did not pick up the phone. At this point I was just getting a little irritated with the whole thing, but I did not say anything because all we do is argue about me not answering when he calls, and I say every time why, but he does not want to believe me it's always what he thinks I'm doing, (as if I'm talking to another guy assumptions).  We would be texting after I missed a call, and he would take really long to text me, and I know it's because he gets mad at me for not picking up just from the recent situation that this has been happening, it's happened today as well. 

I just know that this gets really aggravating, and everything I say he does not want to believe but after a long talk we are good again, but it's every time I miss a call, he starts tripping and acts this way. Any advice on this???

 

 

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, itsprettylove said:

Recently I will be at home, I normally lay my phone down somewhere because I'm really not constantly on my phone all of the time. He would call me, and I would miss it, but I would call him right back after he's called me. He would answer but would be short tempered with me and have an attitude towards me. I normally tell him that I didn't mean to miss your call and he doesn't believe me as if I'm hiding something from him. My phone sometimes doesn't pick up the call when I answer it and he think I'm lying or making some type of excuse when I accidently miss the phone call. There has been a time where he would get really mad at me and would yell at me every time, I say that I didn't mean to miss it!! and when I get mad, he says I act stubborn and don't want to listen to anything he tells me.

Same. I don't live on my phone nor am I always around it.  It sits a lot in my room and I wander off to do stuff.  I also don't take it out with me to do small things like shop locally.  I feel, why bother? I will be back in about an hour... I grew up 25+ yrs w/out a cell, I've done okay so far 😉 .

As for HIM?  He's got to back off with this, totally.  He's being disrespectful. 

Not everyone is available 24/7 and not everyone carries their phone around!  IF he's well enough aware of this with you, then no reason for him to be this way.  AND, to react that way when you are talking to your mother?  Wow 😕 .

"There has been a time where he would get really mad at me and would yell at me every time, I say that I didn't mean to miss it!! and when I get mad, he says I act stubborn and don't want to listen to anything he tells me."

- Okay, he's seriously acting like a spoiled brat here.  Is more like HE is acting out and not listening to or respecting you!

You don't owe the guy anything!  He needs to lay off.

So, try to do your best to explain yourself once more & if he continues, speak up and say you can't live this way.. and be done!  Why be around someone with such a nasty attitude towards you?

 

[BecxyRex]

Have there been other issues where he’s suspected you of talking to other guys? Do you guys live in the same city? 

[itsprettylove]

7 minutes ago, BecxyRex said:

Have there been other issues where he’s suspected you of talking to other guys? Do you guys live in the same city? 

No its none of that he trust me. He just assumes it whenever I dont answer his call then I sit and tell him multiple times I dont and that Im either busy or jus lay my phone down for a second.  I jus feel like he says that to make me mad or dont think when he says an assumption like that and also is jus selfish when it comes to me. We do live in the same city we see each other as well. 

[limichelle]

Doesn’t sound healthy to be honest. He’s being emotionally abusive. You don’t need to cater to his whim. He’s trying to keep you on a tight leash. I would cut the ties and be free of him. 
 

Honestly why put up with someone nagging you for your time 24/7? He’s being disrespectful of your schooling and you. There’s no love in his controlling behavior. 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, itsprettylove said:

No its none of that he trust me. 

No, he very clearly does not. 

He doesn't respect you either. He thinks you're the kind of girl who sneaks around on her boyfriend. He is manipulative and rude and controlling. This is serious red-flag behaviour, OP. 

Stop pandering to him. Stop allowing him to yell at you. Stop defending yourself against baseless accusations. The next time he does this, tell him you are not going tolerate his disrespect, and that if he really believes you're capable of being with other guys, he needs to find someone else. If he keeps it up anyway, I would strongly encourage you to rethink this relationship. What he's doing is unacceptable. 

Also, remember that the ones who bark loudly about cheating (which is essentially what he thinks is happening when you don't answer) are often the ones engaging in bad behaviour when your head is turned. It would not surprise me to learn that he is talking to someone else and is projecting on you.

[Rose Mosse]

He’s seems to be implying things about you that are untrue.

In his mind he distrusts you and that’s something you have to accept whether it’s justified or not. If it’s not justified, it’s all the more reason to say no and put a stop to this.

The distrust is clearly coming from somewhere in him and he has issues trusting in a relationship. Remember that you do have a choice to to end this as you’re the other half/participant in this dysfunction. End the cycle and don’t put up with this. 

You may believe there’s something special or unique about your love for each other but there isn’t. You’re not going to be the woman who restores his faith miraculously. The way he calls you and then gets upset each time makes me think that he waits for times when he may suspect you may be busy and then frames it as if you’re always to blame or be distrusted. I agree with the previous comment that this is emotionally abusive. You know you’ve done nothing wrong so stop trying to defend yourself. What a waste of life and energy.

[Wiseman2]

Text-tethering is a form of control and possessiveness. It's a red flag 🚩.

Enforce your boundaries and state that you have no intention of being policed and monitored like this.

He either needs a babysitter, a life or some trust.

This is his issue don't let him make it your problem.

Only answer your phone when you feel like it and don't explain everything to him as if you're on parole. 

Policing in a relationship is a very bad sign.

[1a1a]

I feel like the damage has already been done to the foundation of your relationship (by how he’s expressing his struggles, and maybe by the whatever distance naturally crept in as you both live your lives). 
 

If you did want to give this one more chance I would suggest two things. Thing one, schedule the phone call like a proper date or catch up and make sure you have your phone on you at the appointed time. If this is coming from an anxiety place this might take the edge off of it for him, and you too, as you neatly side step the situation that’s filled with this landmine.

 

The other thing is to tell him once when you’re both calm that this is what you feel like is happening and you hate it and won’t tolerate it anymore. When he’s short with you on the phone you’ll be ending the phone call and waiting until tomorrow to talk to him. Make that boundary. And enforce it diligently. No more assuaging him in the moment. 

[Blue_Skirt]

You don’t have to answer the phone, if you are concentrated on something else. You don’t have to answer the phone if you don’t feel like it. You don’t have to answer the phone when you are at the cash register in the supermarket and make other clients wait (I really can’t stand that). You don’t have to carry your phone with you 24/7, and you don’t owe anyone an explanation.

I have made it a habit (in private settings), to not answer the phone when I am talking to someone else, because I think it is rude. I might have a quick glance. Should it be a call that I was waiting for and I really need to answer (which is really really rare), I will take it after apologizing to the person I was talking to. Otherwise, I would just let it ring and call back later, simply with the message: “I saw that you tried to reach me”, without giving any explanation as to why I did not pick up the first time.

Why do you accept that he is yelling at you?

[smackie9]

Tell him to stop being so damn needy...the world doesn't revolve around him. Tell him to get over himself, that people do have a life, and that's why there is voice mail...he can leave a message if it's that important. If he don't like it show him the door. 

[itsprettylove]

6 hours ago, Blue_Skirt said:

You don’t have to answer the phone, if you are concentrated on something else. You don’t have to answer the phone if you don’t feel like it. You don’t have to answer the phone when you are at the cash register in the supermarket and make other clients wait (I really can’t stand that). You don’t have to carry your phone with you 24/7, and you don’t owe anyone an explanation.

I have made it a habit (in private settings), to not answer the phone when I am talking to someone else, because I think it is rude. I might have a quick glance. Should it be a call that I was waiting for and I really need to answer (which is really really rare), I will take it after apologizing to the person I was talking to. Otherwise, I would just let it ring and call back later, simply with the message: “I saw that you tried to reach me”, without giving any explanation as to why I did not pick up the first time.

Why do you accept that he is yelling at you?

I dont accept it I tell him that he needs to calm down and stop yelling. But its like a big deal to him when I dont answer his phone call, I never seen it as a big deal. I just tell him that we dont need to argue over this. But I talked to him last night and he was just telling me he overacts like that because he misses me. But then again I see its no reason to get mad.

[itsprettylove]

9 minutes ago, itsprettylove said:

 

 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, itsprettylove said:

he was just telling me he overacts like that because he misses me. But then again I see its no reason to get mad.

He's abusive. Just like men who say they hit you because they love you so much. He's controlling. Huge red flag.

[reinventmyself]

I had someone do this to me and there may have been a time that I would just get flustered and defensive, much like you.  But years later when my ex bf would do this to me, I was outright angry.   I won't tolerate having someone challenging my character.  So much so that if it continued, I would have to end the relationship.

His insecurities are his to manage, not yours.  

Him not taking your call is a form a retaliation and an attempt to condition and punish you.  It's passive aggressive and toxic.

I tend to believe the phone isn't the only area that triggers his insecurity.  There is likely more to this.

Personally, I would tell him that if he thinks I am someone who is doing inappropriate things behind his back (even though I have given him absolutely no reason to believe so) that I am not the person for him. And if there isn't any trust and he continues to challenge my integrity, it's not the relationship I am interested in continuing.  Without trust, there is no relationship.  Period

[reinventmyself]

1 hour ago, itsprettylove said:

 But I talked to him last night and he was just telling me he overacts like that because he misses me. 

That is a mixed message.  Mixed messages are a form a gaslighting.  He wrapped up his excuse for his bad behavior "with missing you" to provoke guilt from you.  " I miss you so much it makes me harass you over this?"   No

He's dogging you because he has some uncontrolled insecurity he wants you to manage.

[Batya33]

51 minutes ago, itsprettylove said:

I dont accept it I tell him that he needs to calm down and stop yelling. But its like a big deal to him when I dont answer his phone call, I never seen it as a big deal. I just tell him that we dont need to argue over this. But I talked to him last night and he was just telling me he overacts like that because he misses me. But then again I see its no reason to get mad.

You can miss someone and not react by yelling or getting mad because you don't get an instant response.  That's silly.  I told my then kindergarten student many years ago who said she painted the bathroom sink multiple paint colors because "I miss my daddy" "You can miss your daddy AND not paint the sink blue yellow and green."

Same exact thing.  If he yells end the call.  Answer your phone in a non-emergency situation when it is convenient for you.  Teach people how to treat you.

[boltnrun]

He'll insist you quit school because he misses you. He'll demand you stop seeing your friends because he misses you. He won't want you to work because he misses you. He'll say you should stop spending time with your family because he misses you.

Mark my words. He either has done some of this or he will very soon. I'd put money on it.

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

He'll insist you quit school because he misses you. He'll demand you stop seeing your friends because he misses you. He won't want you to work because he misses you. He'll say you should stop spending time with your family because he misses you.

Mark my words. He either has done some of this or he will very soon. I'd put money on it.

Is he in college or is he a college graduate? Is he proud of you for being in college? My sense is it's what Bolt wrote above plus he feels threatened by your being in college and that you won't want him anymore when you've surpassed him academically and professionally.

[Coily]

I just want to clarify, you not taking his calls are irregular? I assume that not answering him is on occasion not all the time; if it were all the time then I too would be a little irate. That said if it's 1 in 5 or so, then he's irrational and a jerk.

How are things otherwise in the relationship? Has he always been this way or are these new developments?

I think Bolt and Batya are on to something, he feels that you are disconnecting from him, which he probably has "friends" around him with tales of relationships end during college etc. If he was not like this before he's making a desperate attempt to cling on harder to the old you. Change is very hard for people and he is struggling to see how you two still work, and allows himself to act like a twit.

This is some time to do some soul searching about what you value in a relationship in general and what he brings to the table (especially prior to the call issue). Is this guy someone you can reasonably see developing into a long term relationship, shared goals and values? Or was he a cocoon of your past?

Again if this is a new pattern try to push past the surface issue of the missed calls and work on the problems he is seeing with the relationship (IF you want to save it). I'm not going to say he's a villain here, but since it sounds like you two are young you both have a maturing to do (heck we all do no matter the age) and he isn't coping well with this estrangement.

[Rose Mosse]

2 hours ago, itsprettylove said:

I dont accept it I tell him that he needs to calm down and stop yelling. But its like a big deal to him when I dont answer his phone call, I never seen it as a big deal. I just tell him that we dont need to argue over this. But I talked to him last night and he was just telling me he overacts like that because he misses me. But then again I see its no reason to get mad.

You know the solution to this is pretty straightforward. Have an agreement to talk on the phone at a time that is best for the both of you instead of bickering and arguing like this or having him question your character. If he wants to be spontaneous and call you whenever it suits him only then this is not working for you. 

Missing someone is part and parcel of forming emotional attachments and being involved in relationships. It doesn't mean we tear it apart and start questioning a partner's activities and integrity as an when we like when things aren't going our way. 

The biggest issue is the way you're putting up with what almost seem like panic attacks and high anxiety issues not being able to talk to you when he needs to that moment, that second. You both either don't know each other very well and/or can't respect one another or what you're doing with your lives. Regardless of how he feels, there's a choice in how we act or behave and we can control those kneejerk emotional reactions if we choose to respect our partner's time also. He's not choosing to do that so you may ask yourself whether this person is cut out for you. Please don't make excuses for disrespect.

[Batya33]

I just don’t agree with Coily. It depends why he is calling and how often.  If to make or confirm or change a plan fine.  She should respond depending on the time sensitivity. If emergency of course. If just to say hi and it’s more than once a day then …nope. If he repeatedly calls and it’s the same day - meaning less than 24 hours - nope. More than 24 hours fine too if she’s busy or away. 
if she used to take all his calls and had to take fewer calls sure she can explain. 
he might miss her but he also doesn’t care about her.  A person who cares thinks about the other person with respect for their time and won’t want to over text or over call especially knowing the person is busy with studies. He wouldn’t want to disturb her.  But he only cares about his needy emotions.  And feels insecure. And is taking that out on her. 

[Whoeveriam]

This is a bad sign from a guy who is probably very controlling.  This demonstrates his desire that you be at his bec and call, and have no life apart from him.

Leave now, before it gets worse.

[Blue_Skirt]

35 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Have an agreement to talk on the phone at a time that is best for the both of you instead of bickering and arguing like this or having him question your character.

This is what me and my ex did. (Yes, he is my ex, but not because of phone calls). We were in a LDR, see each other every weekend (Friday night through Monday morning) and we would speak over the phone Monday through Thursday. We both had busy jobs. We would always send a quick message at night what time we would call. That worked very well for us.

[Blue_Skirt]

3 hours ago, itsprettylove said:

I dont accept it I tell him that he needs to calm down and stop yelling.

Should someone on the phone start to yell at me, whether boss or boyfriend, I will tell them that there is no need to yell at me, that people can speak to me in a normal way. If they continue to yell, I will tell them that I am going to end this phone conversation now and I hang up.