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My boyfriend gets mad when i don't answer the phone..


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52 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I just don’t agree with Coily. It depends why he is calling and how often.  If to make or confirm or change a plan fine.  She should respond depending on the time sensitivity. If emergency of course. If just to say hi and it’s more than once a day then …nope.

Guess I should have been clearer, my assumption was he was calling once maybe twice a week. Honestly talking to anyone not face to face more than that is just plain exhausting, no matter the reason.

 

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3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Is he in college or is he a college graduate? Is he proud of you for being in college? My sense is it's what Bolt wrote above plus he feels threatened by your being in college and that you won't want him anymore when you've surpassed him academically and professionally.

He isn't in college. He is proud of me being in college its just the phone situation if I miss a call or something he just gets short tempered and mad with me.

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1 hour ago, Coily said:

Guess I should have been clearer, my assumption was he was calling once maybe twice a week. Honestly talking to anyone not face to face more than that is just plain exhausting, no matter the reason.

We talk on the phone that isnt the issue. Its not all the time that I miss a call its just sometimes like 1 or 2 times not much at all because I answer when he calls me so thats not the issue. The issue is when I miss a call from him he gets mad I dont intentionally mean too Im normally busy or just not near my phone as I tell him when I call him right back after I missed a call but sometimes he doesn't answer its only because he's mad or assuming the wrong thing when I dont pick up. But I always tell him what I'm doing if I missed a call from him. It just irritates me and it turns into an argument

Secondly, this is kind of a new issue in the relationship its never happened before. Everything else is good. He treats me well and is loyal to me, I treat him well and I'm loyal to him we have no other issues.

Edited by itsprettylove
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3 hours ago, Coily said:

I just want to clarify, you not taking his calls are irregular? I assume that not answering him is on occasion not all the time; if it were all the time then I too would be a little irate. That said if it's 1 in 5 or so, then he's irrational and a jerk.

How are things otherwise in the relationship? Has he always been this way or are these new developments?

I think Bolt and Batya are on to something, he feels that you are disconnecting from him, which he probably has "friends" around him with tales of relationships end during college etc. If he was not like this before he's making a desperate attempt to cling on harder to the old you. Change is very hard for people and he is struggling to see how you two still work, and allows himself to act like a twit.

This is some time to do some soul searching about what you value in a relationship in general and what he brings to the table (especially prior to the call issue). Is this guy someone you can reasonably see developing into a long term relationship, shared goals and values? Or was he a cocoon of your past?

Again if this is a new pattern try to push past the surface issue of the missed calls and work on the problems he is seeing with the relationship (IF you want to save it). I'm not going to say he's a villain here, but since it sounds like you two are young you both have a maturing to do (heck we all do no matter the age) and he isn't coping well with this estrangement.

We talk on the phone thats not the issue. Its not all the time that I miss a call its just sometimes like 1 or 2 times not much at all because Im always talking to him so thats not the issue here our communication skills are great. The issue is when I miss a call from him he gets mad I dont intentionally mean too Im normally busy or just not near my phone as I tell him when I call him right back after I missed a call but sometimes he doesn't answer its only because he's mad or assuming the wrong thing when I dont pick up. But I always tell him what I'm doing if I missed a call from him. It just irritates me and it turns into an argument

Secondly, this is kind of a new issue in the relationship its never happened before. Everything else is good. He treats me well and is loyal to me, I treat him well and I'm loyal to him we have no other issues.

Edited by itsprettylove
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37 minutes ago, itsprettylove said:

He isn't in college. He is proud of me being in college its just the phone situation if I miss a call or something he just gets short tempered and mad with me.

He says he is proud but he is undermining you by insisting you stop what you are doing to talk to him because he "misses you."  Does he aspire to go to college?

Have there been other times he's been needy or demanding because he "misses you?"

Edited by Batya33
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The more you appease him and the more you defend yourself the worse it will get.

Your world will soon be only him. He'll feel threatened by anyone who takes your attention away from him.

Has he asked you to quit or cut back on school? Has he told you to stop spending time with friends? Has he said you spend too much time with your family?

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54 minutes ago, Blue_Skirt said:

How often does he call you during the day / week and around what time? Since he is not in college, I assume he has a job.

He calls twice during the day and I'd say once a day its not everyday we talk on the phone because we mostly see each other. He calls me in the morning before I have class around 8am because that is when he's going to work, and when we are both going to sleep we call before then. 

Edited by itsprettylove
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1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

The more you appease him and the more you defend yourself the worse it will get.

Your world will soon be only him. He'll feel threatened by anyone who takes your attention away from him.

Has he asked you to quit or cut back on school? Has he told you to stop spending time with friends? Has he said you spend too much time with your family?

No he hasn't asked me to quit school, I dont really hang out with my friends like that but if I were too I dont think it would be a problem to him. He hasn't said that spend too much time with family. 

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32 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

He says he is proud but he is undermining you by insisting you stop what you are doing to talk to him because he "misses you."  Does he aspire to go to college?

Have there been other times he's been needy or demanding because he "misses you?"

I mean this is the only time that its been happening he would get really mad one time where I missed his call but by accident. But now, he says be doesn't get really mad as he did before when we were in the beginning of the relationship, he Just says the fact he misses me and thats why he acts the way he does when I miss his call. I think its the only time when I miss a call, nothing has really happened besides that.

Edited by itsprettylove
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5 hours ago, itsprettylove said:

I dont accept it

For your own good, it's time for an ultimatum, because yes, you are accepting it when you continue on with him and has no plans of stopping. He's said as much, telling you he does it 'cause he misses you. You told him you were upset about the situation and instead of coming to a consensus that would make you both happy, his words state his are the only feelings that are important.

When a partner is regularly upsetting you, it means he's not the right man for you. And the good never overrides a dealbreaker bad like this.

Mature, mentally healthy people know that their partner has more than one priority in life. Sounds like you make plenty of time for him in your life. In person, when you're not rushed, I'd have one more discussion with him explaining that you have segments of time devoted to each of your priorities, and that there are two ways the recent problem can be handled. He can text you and say, "When you have time, I'd like to talk, so please call when you get a break." Or, he can call, but not reply in anger when you don't pick up. That when you are done with homework or speaking to family or a friend, you'll get back to him.

Make it clear that his behavior is causing you to question the health of the relationship, and that you're not willing to accept this behavior any longer.

When a person asks for something reasonable, a partner who actually cares will want to please her and change for the good of the relationship. If he is selfish and sticks to his guns, you have to realize he really doesn't love you as he should, despite the fact you assumed he did because of his other positive traits.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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3 hours ago, Andrina said:

For your own good, it's time for an ultimatum, because yes, you are accepting it when you continue on with him and has no plans of stopping. He's said as much, telling you he does it 'cause he misses you. You told him you were upset about the situation and instead of coming to a consensus that would make you both happy, his words state his are the only feelings that are important.

When a partner is regularly upsetting you, it means he's not the right man for you. And the good never overrides a dealbreaker bad like this.

Mature, mentally healthy people know that their partner has more than one priority in life. Sounds like you make plenty of time for him in your life. In person, when you're not rushed, I'd have one more discussion with him explaining that you have segments of time devoted to each of your priorities, and that there are two ways the recent problem can be handled. He can text you and say, "When you have time, I'd like to talk, so please call when you get a break." Or, he can call, but not reply in anger when you don't pick up. That when you are done with homework or speaking to family or a friend, you'll get back to him.

Make it clear that his behavior is causing you to question the health of the relationship, and that you're not willing to accept this behavior any longer.

When a person asks for something reasonable, a partner who actually cares will want to please her and change for the good of the relationship. If he is selfish and sticks to his guns, you have to realize he really doesn't love you as he should, despite the fact you assumed he did because of his other positive traits.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Honestly I feel like he gets mad when a call hangs up also and thinking I did it. I literally have to keep my phone close by just in case he calls so I don't miss it. I dont like feeling that way because I don't want him to get onto me for not answering. It just this phone situation with him is such a big deal when he wants to talk to me on the phone, he gets mad over the littlest things seems like.

Edited by itsprettylove
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41 minutes ago, itsprettylove said:

Honestly I feel like he gets mad when a call hangs up also and thinking I did it. I literally have to keep my phone close by just in case he calls so I don't miss it. I dont like feeling that way because I don't want him to get onto me for not answering. It just this phone situation with him is such a big deal when he wants to talk to me on the phone, he gets mad over the littlest things seems like.

No, you don't "literally have" to do this.  You're doing it to appease someone who is behaving childishly and unreasonably.  You keep appeasing him and he'll keep pushing and pushing until you have no life of your own left.

You can tell him firmly "I'm not going to keep explaining myself every time I happen to miss one of your calls.  I can see you called and I am capable of calling you back as soon as I get a chance.  I need you to back down on this because it's creating a problem where there doesn't need to be one."  Don't let his silly excuses of "It's because I MISS you!" sway you.  If he can't manage to be without talking to you for an hour or two that's his problem.  Time for him to grow up.

His choice if he wants to be reasonable or unreasonable.

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4 hours ago, itsprettylove said:

literally have to keep my phone close by just in case he calls so I don't miss it.

No, you absolutely do not have to do this. You are free to make your own choices rather than tiptoeing on eggshells with this guy. 

By the way, if this has just started happening - you might want to observe his behaviour for a while. Perhaps he's the one talking to someone else and is projecting his guilty conscience. It seems strange that this is a random "new" issue in your relationship. 

Edited by MissCanuck
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7 hours ago, itsprettylove said:

 I literally have to keep my phone close by just in case he calls so I don't miss it

Stop. Why are you treating yourself like a dog on a leash?

Talk to trusted friends and family about this.

Stop answering the phone. He's training you like a dog. You get punished with abuse if you don't obey him.

He's jealous you're at college. You're going to flunk out if you continue to allow this guy to run your life.

Is this a BDSM situation where you have to be obedient and act like a slave? If so stop playing victim as if you never heard of VM.

What's the deal here?

Get a new phone number and live your own life like an adult human being rather than this creeps punching bag and slave.

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5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

No, you absolutely do not have to do this. You are free to make your own choices rather than tiptoeing on eggshells with this guy. 

By the way, if this has just started happening - you might want to observe his behaviour for a while. Perhaps he's the one talking to someone else and is projecting his guilty conscience. It seems strange that this is a random "new" issue in your relationship. 

Why do you say he's talking to someone else? And it is random because we rarely argue but it's the simplest things.

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Just now, itsprettylove said:

Why do you say he's talking to someone else? And it is random because we rarely argue but it's the simplest things.

It's not simple. It's a way he is trying to control you and as you know our phones are so often a big part of our lives.  He might be trying to pursue another woman and feeling guilty.  No walking on eggshells about a phone.  Imagine you're out with your friends and you interrupt the conversation to take his nonessential call so he won't have a tantrum.  I have a child.  When he is demanding I state my boundaries, state the consequences if he continues whining.  And I enforce them (you have to enforce them consistently and with dignity and quietly). Tell him calmly "I am not always going to take your call. If it's not an emergency I will return your call when I have time.  If you react by speaking to me disrespectfully I will end the call right then."

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40 minutes ago, itsprettylove said:

Why do you say he's talking to someone else? And it is random because we rarely argue but it's the simplest things.

People who come out of left field with baseless accusations are often projecting, because they know what they are doing when you're not looking- and think maybe you're capable of it, too. 

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My ex cheated constantly but he went ballistic if his roommate even said hello to me.

He missed many of my calls but left angry voice mails if I missed one of his.

I don't know if this guy is cheating on you, but you literally do NOT "have" to have your phone with you all the time so the little crybaby doesn't get his feelings hurt if you don't leap on his every single call the second he calls. Tell him to back off or you'll miss all of his calls permanently.

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Twice a day calling is excessive in my book, a reasonable guy would not get upset when you aren't leaping to take his every call. His insecurities are ruining the relationship; which is following the cliche pattern of couples when one or both start into college. I would also say he has a large anxiety of the fear of missing out, as you two are on different paths now.

It really seems the two of you need to re-establish boundaries with the new dynamic; which given his pattern may result in the end of the relationship. He is unable to cope with not being involved with you daily; either a lack of maturity or control, both are poison to a relationship. It's not an easy choice, but mutual agreement is the only way to not have this be a total train wreck.

Stay strong and don't give into him being a ridiculous jerk.

 

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Possibly oversimplifying this too much.  But men carry their phones in their pocket.  Women typically have them in their purse.  If I'm out I can easily miss a call in my purse.  At someone's home, my purse is by the door.  I have two stories in my home. It seems to always ring when I am on the opposite floor.  My bf is pretty good at answering right away.  Me, not so much.  He doesn't come undone about it because he's secure and doesn't have trust issues.  Often times an hour or more may pass before I see missed calls.  And I refuse to be tethered to it and I can't always stop what I am doing to talk to someone.  

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I don't even have a purse (well, I have one that I haven't used in years) because I hate purses lol. If I have to bring stuff with me I use a mini backpack so my hands are free. But I definitely don't have my phone next to me while I'm working. Although I live in a studio and work from home so it's not like it's far. But no one comes unglued if I don't immediately answer.

OP, you can clearly yet kindly explain to your boyfriend that you will not be leaping on your phone the second it rings. You can see he called and call him back when you are able to. If he can't handle such a simple thing then he needs to get professional help to manage his own anxiety.

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