Xmas gift exchange with close friend

[soulsista29]

I don’t normally exchange Xmas gifts with a particular close friend. Instead we normally catchup before Xmas over dinner and drinks at a nice restaurant. I’m fine with this. 
In November she suggested we exchange gifts this year. It sounded like she wanted to exchange gifts as she had a gift for me in mind. I was a bit reluctant as it meant another gift to buy but I agreed to it as she is a good friend and I do like buying gifts for her. 
Anyway I put thought into it and bought her a gift. We are catching up tomorrow and today I get a text message from her saying ‘I couldn’t find you a gift, let’s not exchange gifts this year.’ I’m thinking ***? It was your idea to give gifts. I was happy with just going out to a restaurant and spending time with her. And also why tell me last minute? I replied with ‘I already bought your gift’ then she replies with ‘ok I’ll get you something.’ Now I feel pissed off at her. 
Why did she suggest giving gifts? To receive a gift? 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, soulsista29 said:

 she suggested we exchange gifts this year. 

Don't exchange gifts at all. Keep or return whatever you got her. Tell her you want to give her the gift of freedom from obligatory nonsense of running out last minute to buy unwanted gifts just for the sake of it.

The best gift is freedom from nonsense and pointless thoughtless last minute gifts.

[Batya33]

Oh.  This sounds annoying. And sounds like small stuff.  Regift what you bought or keep it or donate or give it to her just because.  Stuff happens.  She got flaky.  Overall is she a good friend? Then please let it go.  Yes, you are right.  But -would you rather be right or be close?

Why did she "suggest" -because at the moment it sounded like a good idea.  Why did you take her up on her suggestion? I'm not sure cause it didn't sound like you were really up for it.  Maybe she's embarrassed to tell you she's in some financial trouble or what she wanted to buy you is on shortage now and much much pricier than she thought? Let it be.  Don't push it IMO if she is otherwise a good friend.

[Lambert]

Ugh!!!  She did start this.... and I get why you are annoyed.  I would probably tell her to please not run out and get you a gift.   Maybe she can buy your wine at the dinner or something.  And just give her the gift you bought.  You bought it.  You have it.  It's a pain to return it. Take the high road.  Unless you can't afford it.  Then return it.  It is an inconvenience and all .... but as you say, she is a good friend.  Just remember the next she wants to exchange gifts, tell her no.  Once bitten, twice shy.     

[SooSad33]

Yeah, that is odd!

I would have thought on that and just said no prob and just kept the gift.. maybe give it to someone else! lol

As mentioned, maybe msg her & say don't worry about it & cover cost of the meal or something?

[reinventmyself]

Awkward. 

I wouldn't worry if she was mad.  She created the misunderstanding.  Often tone is missing in the form of a text.  Just shake off the miscommunication (for a lack of a better word)

When you see her in person, address it in a light way with a sense of humor.  I'd might say. "Well, we bumbled this one.  Let's not let this happen again and just stick to dinner" 

"Happy Holidays". . and move on

[Andrina]

Every person I care about has annoyed me at some point. I'm sure I've annoyed them, too. We can't answer why she did what she did. Try to concentrate on the good outweighing the bad, so you can enjoy your meet up. If her gift annoys you, a reminder of the snafu, re-gift it or donate to someone who will appreciate it. 

In the past, when a friend made me mad because she made us miss the first 20 minutes of a concert, I bit my tongue so we wouldn't be bitter toward one another during the event. I did vow to myself, however, that I'd never invite her to another concert again.

[catfeeder]

I would have just said, "Okay," and met her for our meal.

Why make her feel lousy, when I can just return the gift or give it to someone else?

I'd be more annoyed with myself for not being gracious enough to let her off the hook.

As for why she would raise exchanging gifts? Maybe she had the warm and fuzzies for you at that moment and it sounded like a good idea. Once the wine wore off, she wanted to kick herself.

We all do stupid stuff sometimes.

I'd go and enjoy your time together, and don't allow small stuff to blind your generosity of spirit and your reasons for loving this friend. THAT is what matters.

[Cherylyn]

I agree with others.  She waffles back 'n forth and she's a flake ~ unreliable. 

She told you at the last minute because she suddenly changed her mind.  Perhaps she didn't feel like spending any money on you.  Then when you told her that you had already bought her a gift, she thought she would do you a favor by buying you a gift as an afterthought.  I'd be angry at her if I were you, too.  She did not treat you with respect from the beginning.

She suggested giving you a gift because initially, she thought it was a good idea and then after mulling it over, she thought the better of it, didn't want to spend money on you and hence, changed her mind.  Her personality is changing on a whim and being fickle.  Now you know how she is.  After you informed her that you bought her a gift, she resigned herself to giving you an obligatory gift.  That sums it up.

In the future, don't trust her anymore regarding her decisions because she's apt to change her mind based upon your experience with her.  Decline future gift exchanges or even other suggestions as well otherwise you'll agree at your own risk.  Reduce your dynamic with her to superficial interactions and meals at a nice restaurant.  Don't do anymore than that. 

Regarding friends, you have to adjust yourself.  Do what works and remember past choices that went awry which teaches you how to navigate yourself wisely with this friend of yours and other people, too.  Live and learn.

[melancholy123]

18 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Don't exchange gifts at all. Keep or return whatever you got her. Tell her you want to give her the gift of freedom from obligatory nonsense of running out last minute to buy unwanted gifts just for the sake of it.

The best gift is freedom from nonsense and pointless thoughtless last minute gifts.

I totally agree with this.  I dont buy gifts for friends, just for my kids and 2 grandkids and my husband.  We keep it small and to a small price limit.  The whole obligation thing is way out of hand.

[Cherylyn]

28 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

I totally agree with this.  I dont buy gifts for friends, just for my kids and 2 grandkids and my husband.  We keep it small and to a small price limit.  The whole obligation thing is way out of hand.

Same here with a few exceptions.  I exchange birthday and Christmas gifts with my dear, local childhood friend.  She was my maid-of-honor and we've been close ever since we were 9 years old.  She is more of a real sister to me than my biological sister!  Both my childhood friend and I are very generous with gift cards and high quality gifts; nothing cheap nor useless either. 

In the past, I did gift exchanges with another local friend for birthdays and Christmas but we made a pact to just give greeting cards and / or flowers only. 

In the past, we bought gifts for both sides of the family tree which grew to become quite an expensive hassle.  Now, we only exchange Christmas gifts with MIL & FIL (mother and father-in-law) and that's it.  My relatives and I no longer exchange gifts in order to be economical for everyone. 

My husband, sons and I exchange gifts and that's it. 

I really don't want anything except spending time with my family.  If I want anything, I don't have to wait until my birthdays and Christmas.  I buy what I want throughout the year.  During other times, I just save my money because I don't need anything. 

[greendots]

23 hours ago, soulsista29 said:

We are catching up tomorrow and today I get a text message from her saying ‘I couldn’t find you a gift, let’s not exchange gifts this year.’

This is certainly annoying. Still, whatever her reasons for bailing out on the gift exchange last minute, since you put thought into her present why don't you just give it to her? She's your friend and you love her - good enough reasons to bless her I'd say.

[SherrySher]

On 12/11/2021 at 12:47 AM, soulsista29 said:

I don’t normally exchange Xmas gifts with a particular close friend. Instead we normally catchup before Xmas over dinner and drinks at a nice restaurant. I’m fine with this. 
In November she suggested we exchange gifts this year. It sounded like she wanted to exchange gifts as she had a gift for me in mind. I was a bit reluctant as it meant another gift to buy but I agreed to it as she is a good friend and I do like buying gifts for her. 
Anyway I put thought into it and bought her a gift. We are catching up tomorrow and today I get a text message from her saying ‘I couldn’t find you a gift, let’s not exchange gifts this year.’ I’m thinking ***? It was your idea to give gifts. I was happy with just going out to a restaurant and spending time with her. And also why tell me last minute? I replied with ‘I already bought your gift’ then she replies with ‘ok I’ll get you something.’ Now I feel pissed off at her. 
Why did she suggest giving gifts? To receive a gift? 

You say she's a close friend, and maybe not everyone will agree with this, but maybe this one time, let it go.

Yes, she was thoughtless, yes she hurt your feelings.

But it may have been the case that she got caught up in her life, wasn't thinking, wasn't doing it personally to you, just was scatterbrained and not thinking.

If she really is a good friend, then I do think it's okay to give people a pass now and then.

Life isn't about holding grudges, or punishing others.

If she had done worse, then yeah, you may consider not forgiving her.

But it sounds as though she was being careless, and not particularly looking to hurt you.

I know it's not always easy to be the bigger person, but this time...allow yourself to be the bigger person and let it go.

Exchange presents as you planned, and don't bring it up, or even allow yourself to bring hurt feelings into it.

However, if she mentions exchanging presents again next year, all you have to say is, "I'd prefer not to do that this year", and leave it at that.

Always make sure that her behavior doesn't continue, and that you don't let yourself be treated badly.

But in this instance, it was a slight, and yes, it stung, but I don't believe she was being malicious.

Enjoy dinner, and exchanging gifts. Don't put much more thought into it.

[SherrySher]

1 hour ago, greendots said:

This is certainly annoying. Still, whatever her reasons for bailing out on the gift exchange last minute, since you put thought into her present why don't you just give it to her? She's your friend and you love her - good enough reasons to bless her I'd say.

I love this post. Thank you for bringing good thoughts onto this forum. 

Forgiveness isn't easy, but it's healing. 

[smackie9]

I wouldn't have said anything about getting a gift. I would have said "hey I'm ok with that, so where do you want to meet up?"

You made her feel bad, and obligated, and that's not good. The gift could be given at another time or have it returned, or regift it.

I have been down this road a few times with my friend. I just take a step back and let it go.

[Rose Mosse]

On 12/10/2021 at 10:47 PM, soulsista29 said:

I don’t normally exchange Xmas gifts with a particular close friend. Instead we normally catchup before Xmas over dinner and drinks at a nice restaurant. I’m fine with this. 
In November she suggested we exchange gifts this year. It sounded like she wanted to exchange gifts as she had a gift for me in mind. I was a bit reluctant as it meant another gift to buy but I agreed to it as she is a good friend and I do like buying gifts for her. 
Anyway I put thought into it and bought her a gift. We are catching up tomorrow and today I get a text message from her saying ‘I couldn’t find you a gift, let’s not exchange gifts this year.’ I’m thinking ***? It was your idea to give gifts. I was happy with just going out to a restaurant and spending time with her. And also why tell me last minute? I replied with ‘I already bought your gift’ then she replies with ‘ok I’ll get you something.’ Now I feel pissed off at her. 
Why did she suggest giving gifts? To receive a gift? 

Did you end up meeting with her or returning it?

You mention she's a close friend so I'd let it go. It's annoying but not worth the angst.