HELP my boyfriend acts single and idk what to do

[Rose99x]

Me (f/25) and my partner (m/36) have been together for 3 years. In Feb this year I found out he had cheated on me so I left him & moved out. He cheated on me in Dec 2020. Then in Feb he befriended a girl from work, I noticed her name pop up a fair bit then when we broke up, he was straight away with her. Literally the night of our break up, with her. He said it was only to fill the void I left, he was lonely and never felt anything and cut her off after I found out.
I never thought I'd be the one to take a cheater back, but I really love him and he showed me how much he loved me & willingness to be better, so we've made it work. He's sworn up and down he'll never do it again & at first, it was really hard to believe but I've forgiven him and vowed to leave it in the past & try learn to trust him again. It's gotten easier as times gone on and it's felt better than ever until this recently.
He deleted fb & ig in April and got fb back in August, since then, I've felt as if he's trying to come across as single online.
I noticed he's friended LOADS (literally, loads) of women from work (sadly, work is where he met the woman he cheated on me with so this hurts deeper) and a couple of men. He's only mentioned a couple of the women by name when he's telling me about his day at work.
Ive noticed he straight away likes ALL of the women's pictures & posts, but barely likes anything I or his actual friends & family post.
He has his relationship status on private, doesn't upload ANY pictures of us or tag us in anything...yet he'll tag he's at the pub or post a pic of his dinner for example...
When we first got to together and for ages, he'd post what ever we were doing and upload pictures of everything, now it's nothing. I've brought this up and he claims he wants to be private, but shares other ***e that would technically be private but I assume because it makes him look single, he's happy to share it.

I'm trying not to look at it or think about it & I know it must sound crazy paranoid that I notice or look at these things, and as much as I think I trust him, I don't trust other women either especially when he's giving the impression he's single & the person he cheated on me with, knew allllllllll about me. Including things I've only confided in him and sensitive things such as my mental health struggles.
He also has Snapchat which is ALWAYS hidden from me, the other day we were taking a picture together and a notification came through from a girl called megan on Snapchat. He could not get rid of the notification quick enough and when I asked "oh who's megan?" He ignored me so I asked again, then he made it into a massive argument with the point that he can't have any female friends BLAH BLAH BLAH...  YES he can!!! I'm the least controlling person, I accept his REAL friends, he has alot of female friends that I've met or know about.....so why is he not wanting to tell me about new friends he's making including this megan person!?
This may sound out of order but I really feel like he's acting like a Facebook ***.
I know social media is all for show and it's what's in real life that matters, but he doesn't include me in the real life things. He thinks it's because I'll get annoyed or whatever as in the past we've argued about this type of thing, however, he absolutely fails to listen and understand that I don't have a problem with him having female friends, I have a problem with him hiding it from me. Because he keeps his phone on do not disturb whenever I'm around so no notifications pop up. He did this around the time he cheated and I brought it up as I did have a gut feeling, however he turned it around saying he keeps it on DND so notifications don't disturb our time together.....yet he's pretty much always on his phone when we're together anyway...
I really love this man, he knows I want him and only him but Im not so sure he wants just me, maybe have his cake and eat it sort of thing. It hurts aswell knowing if we were to break up again, he'd have allll these woman to comfort him & no doubt he'd move on quickly. :(
He's been invited out with a group (mainly a guy & rest women) from his work a few times recently but he's been working or busy. The thing is, I can't and won't say not to go out, I wouldn't want to be told what to do myself so don't put that upon others let alone my partner. But I feel really really uncomfortable him going out with a bunch of women I don't know and never heard him talk about!? And I KNOW if I went out with a big group of guys, none of which he knew, he'd have a something to say about it to! BUT that would never happened because I'm 100% honest with him about everyone I meet and talk to. My apartments gardener gave me his number the other day, just in case anything needs doing or whatever, but boy did my partner think that was weird. Yet he's exchanging social media's with anyone which is way more personal. He even admitted to me when he cheated he'd use snap cos it doesn't save messages.
I just don't know what to do and am so scared of him cheating on me again.
I fear bringing it up to him as he'll just label me as paranoid crazy. :(

[gamon]

20 minutes ago, Rose99x said:

I fear bringing it up to him as he'll just label me as paranoid crazy. 😞

Quite the understanding and compassionate boyfriend you have there, it's good to see you're with a person who you can speak to about your insecurities, who acknowledges his own role in them and responds in a way that makes you feel safe and secure having made yourself vulnerable to him.

/sarcasm off

Edited to add. How exactly did this cheater show you that he's remorseful and that he loves you? By keeping you a secret on social media, by befriending tons of women and not telling you who they are when you ask? By hiding his messages to and from other women from you?

PS. Social media isn't "all for show" and it's not an online game. It's a way of sharing your life with other. Your boyfriend has made a decision not to share you with anyone he knows, and he's got reasons for doing that.

He "cut her off" (the affair) only after you found out. Why not before? Why did he share all your secrets especially your mental health issues with a complete stranger?

Please find your self esteem somewhere and kick this disrespectful deceitful remorseless cheater to the curb sooner rather than later. Or continue to be mistreated and probably cheated on, over and over again.

Your post describes a situation that is so bad it's cringeworthy and actually hard to read. It's almost hard to believe someone would allow themselves to be treated this way but having read worse, I realize that it happens.

[DarkCh0c0]

What to do?

You dumb him and give yourself more self-worth. You're a woman who is loving and devoted to her partner. And, what did you get in exchange? Cheating, hiding, manipulation, gaslighting, calling you crazy... Does that really sounds like a "loving man"? Does this even sound like healthy love? (I'm guessing you learned and normalized unhealthy love patterns from your parents).

I suggest you dump him. He had shown you in every way that he doesn't care enough about you. He didn't even show remorse for what he's done AND he's probably sleeping with some of these women.

You know he's not a loyal man. He's not loving. You wish he was that way, but he's not.

Time to dump, block, and move on. Plenty of men out there would do you good. And before that, do yourself good and start respecting yourself and needs more. Listen to your inner beautiful voice, and stand up for yourself by leaving with your honour.

[DarkCh0c0]

Fyi When you share a concern with a loving partner, that partner would listen to you, have compassion and try to understand where you're coming from AND bring you comfort by his words AND actions.

That's what a healthy loving partner does.

Do you see that? You have none of the above.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Rose99x said:

 I left him & moved out. he's giving the impression he's single & the person he cheated on me with, knew allllllllll about me. Including things I've only confided in him and sensitive things such as my mental health struggles.

Sorry this is happening. Do you still live together? Don't waste your heart, soul and life away on a disrespectful womanizer. 

Turn to trusted friends and family for help extricating yourself from this. 

He has betrayed you in so many ways so many times. You don't love him, you're attached, that's all.

Make sure you also follow up with your physician and a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

 Leaving a situation this toxic is a step in the right direction as far as your wellbeing is concerned.

[SherrySher]

You know what to do...break up with him. It's the only option.

He doesn't love you, he doesn't respect you, and he isn't loyal to you.

He's not going to change those things.

The way he is treating you, you're allowing it, you're allowing him to continue cheating behind your back.

What's worse, he's now got you so mixed up, that he's convinced you that you're the one who is paranoid or controlling, when he is a full blown cheater and doesn't want to stop anytime soon.

He is toxic, and he's a cheater. Stop kidding yourself that it's not true, or that he can change.

Your only option is to leave him and quit taking this kind of treatment from someone.

 

[SherrySher]

1 hour ago, Rose99x said:

I fear bringing it up to him as he'll just label me as paranoid crazy.

This is when it's time to leave. He's mentally abusive and definitely a cheater.

[Lambert]

OP,

What are you doing?  Serious question.  This guy is a JERK.  

[HeartGoesOn]

1 hour ago, Rose99x said:

I just don't know what to do and am so scared of him cheating on me again.

He likely will cheat on you again, because he has no remorse, nor does he have any morals.  Also, ask yourself what scares you  about a cheater who continues to cheat?

 

I fear bringing it up to him as he'll just label me as paranoid crazy.  😞

It doesn't matter what he labels you, as it can never compare to the title he's earned for himself.

Hopefully you make the right choices.

 

[lostandhurt]

HELP my boyfriend acts single and idk what to do

Answer:  Make him single.

Dump his butt asap.

He isn't worth the effort you put in to type all that out.

Lost

[MissCanuck]

There is no way I would continue this relationship. 

It died the moment he cheated on you. It's never recovered, and you're only delaying the inevitable. You might love him, but his actions are telling you that he doesn't love you. 

Time to end it forever. 

[Capricorn3]

The writing is on the wall here.  He's going to continue messing around behind your back and you are going to continue to stay with him because you "love him". Then you're going to be sad, upset, miserable and never trust him and you will become a shell of yourself with the life sucked out of you.

OP, this is no way to live. This guy shows disrespect to you and your relationship and even worse, he really doesn't care. Always remember that he will continue doing this and treating you this way because you allow it.

As always, there are only two choices:  1) Stay with this toxic cheater, but then you can't complain about him, OR 2) Show you have some self respect and dump his sorry cheating a$$ by walking away with your head held high and your dignity in tact.  Choice is yours.

[SooSad33]

4 hours ago, Rose99x said:

He ignored me so I asked again, then he made it into a massive argument with the point that he can't have any female friends BLAH BLAH BLAH...  YES he can!!! I'm the least controlling person, I accept his REAL friends, he has alot of female friends that I've met or know about.....so why is he not wanting to tell me about new friends he's making including this megan person!?
This may sound out of order but I really feel like he's acting like a Facebook ***.
I know social media is all for show and it's what's in real life that matters, but he doesn't include me in the real life things. He thinks it's because I'll get annoyed or whatever as in the past we've argued about this type of thing, however, he absolutely fails to listen and understand that I don't have a problem with him having female friends, I have a problem with him hiding it from me. Because he keeps his phone on do not disturb whenever I'm around so no notifications pop up. He did this around the time he cheated

You plain out do not trust him & he knows this now.

His defenses are HIGH. Because of what's happened and now you feel awful 😕 .  It's damage done (trust).

Not sure how long you've been involved with him?  But he sounds kinda like a chaser.  He's never truly happy and had that GIG kick in ( grass is greener).  And, I do not think he ran into another woman's arms because he was 'hurting over you'.

 

I friended a guy on FB couple years ago.. and soon realized he also had maybe 3 guy friends on there & rest was women.. I soon deleted him.  I just find that nasty. ( and I'm single).  People like this irk me 😕 .

Maybe it's just best you get away from this 'player' and move on with your life & find someone out there someday who doesn't have  to feel 'needed' by a dozen other women?

 

[boltnrun]

Here's what your life is going to be like if you choose to stay with him:

You will grab his phone and go through it every chance you get.  You will scour his social media looking for "signs" he's cheating. You'll look at the profiles of every female he's friended to see if he comments or posts.  You'll make fake social media profiles and attempt to get him to add the fake profile so you can watch him. You'll check his car if he has one to see if anyone has been riding in it.  You may follow him when he leaves to go to "work" or wherever.  You'll ask people (his family and friends) questions about him.  You'll maybe even check his clothing (underwear) and his pockets to see if he's carrying condoms.  If you aren't still living together you'll do late night or early morning drive bys to see if someone's over.

How do I know all this?  Because I lived it.  Trust me, this is no way to live.  

[Honeycomb8]

This guy doesn't respect or care about you. You don't trust him and rightly so. Without those three things, what's the point of developing a relationship further? 

[Honeycomb8]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Here's what your life is going to be like if you choose to stay with him:

You will grab his phone and go through it every chance you get.  You will scour his social media looking for "signs" he's cheating. You'll look at the profiles of every female he's friended to see if he comments or posts.  You'll make fake social media profiles and attempt to get him to add the fake profile so you can watch him. You'll check his car if he has one to see if anyone has been riding in it.  You may follow him when he leaves to go to "work" or wherever.  You'll ask people (his family and friends) questions about him.  You'll maybe even check his clothing (underwear) and his pockets to see if he's carrying condoms.  If you aren't still living together you'll do late night or early morning drive bys to see if someone's over.

How do I know all this?  Because I lived it.  Trust me, this is no way to live.  

I wanted to add to this. 

I've been cheated on by two guys I've loved before. 

The first cheated on me through the whole relationship and I didn't find out until the end (we were together for 18 months). I wanted to end things but he manipulated the situation and threatened suicide (-_-), me being young and naive bought it and gave him another chance. That whole month I was a wreck- I was paranoid as hell and considered getting a key logger software. I ended things when I realised I was becoming a version of myself that was so unlike me, I didn't want to be that anymore. 

The second guy was someone I had dated for around 3 years. Not sure if he ever physically cheated but he emotionally cheated on me with at least two females. He would also flirt a lot. I became paranoid, hurt and angry. I felt very inadequate, like it was me that did something to cause it. I kept on feeling the urge to check his phone and he would change his password. I looked in his FB messages and found things that didn't make me feel good. I hated how I was filled with resentment and I suppressed a lot of anger. Eventually we ended things based on other reasons. 

You know what both of these exes shared in common? Both were insecure and did things for validation. Both gaslit me to no end. No, cheaters that cheat don't change. It's a selfishness issue and a lack of empathy thing. They won't change, believe me. 

Your bf is still cheating and has never stopped. 

Fortunately the last few years, I have been with ppl that have been very loyal. Staying with a lying cheater eats at you relentlessly. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. 

[Seraphim]

You KNOW what to do, you just don’t want to or want to hear it . You dump his a$$ as he is a still cheating jerk and make him single as he would like. He is all but rubbing your face in it. 

[poorlittlefish]

12 hours ago, Rose99x said:

He also has Snapchat which is ALWAYS hidden from me, the other day we were taking a picture together and a notification came through from a girl called megan on Snapchat. He could not get rid of the notification quick enough and when I asked "oh who's megan?" He ignored me so I asked again, then he made it into a massive argument with the point that he can't have any female friends BLAH BLAH BLAH...  

If this guy had been truly sorry and remorseful for having previously cheated on you, he wouldn't be hiding ANYTHING.  He'd want to be open and transparent in order to show you he's on the level.  He definitely wouldn't be actively seeking out other women "friends" and trying to gaslight you when you ask who they are.  You shouldn't be taking a single minute more of this crap.  Grab what's left of your self esteem and get out of the door.