What to do for the upcoming holiday (Toxic Family)?

[AngeD]

Hello all,

Recently I had to move in with my mother. I'm an adult woman in my early 30s. My mother has always been a toxic person towards my father, myself and sister since I was a child. Earliest memory was when I was around 5 years old. I mean I didn't call it being "toxic" as a child, but she was definitely, "mean." Just for some insight on how she is toxic. 

She's overly critical of me. I seem to not be able to do anything right according to her. I'm not wearing my clothes right or I'm wearing something incorrectly. When I'm in the kitchen cooking an actual meal, she tells me my food is gross looking (just because it's stuff she doesn't eat). Or says, "what nasty stuff are you making today." In her case, she only warms up food in the microwave, or heats up canned food. If she needs my help and I help her, I'm not helping her correctly and she just lashes out at me for nothing. When I was in college, I told her what I wanted to major in and she told me I would never make any money doing that. When I take the time out to do my makeup on special occasions, she will give me a backhanded compliment. "Oh you look nice, on other days you look terrible." This goes on and on.

I'm moving out to my own place in January. The holidays are coming up and for my own mental health, I honestly cannot stand to be with her for the holidays. I know I can easily spend them elsewhere, but if I do that, my mother will never let it go that I didn't want to spend the holidays with her. And if I were to stay with her during the holidays, she would just criticize me over everything. 

I want to spend the holidays with just my boyfriend, but like I said, she will talk about me nonstop that I didn't spend them with her. And I will have to hear about this directly to my face until I move out. 

This is so crazy. As I type this, I feel like a little girl. I think I just wanted to vent, or "meet" others who have similar problems just to talk. 

 

Thank you.

[Rose Mosse]

You need her help so take things with a pinch of salt and don't take her comments to heart. If you want to spend Christmas with your boyfriend, book some time away just the two of you even if it's for a few days. 

January is only four months away, not long. Start planning now.

[DarkCh0c0]

38 minutes ago, AngeD said:

want to spend the holidays with just my boyfriend, but like I said, she will talk about me nonstop that I didn't spend them with her. And I will have to hear about this directly to my face until I move out

Yep. Go on holiday.

Your mom is the type whatever you do, you won't be able to please her. You're never enough for her. So why stay during the holidays? Why let her talk to you like that?

Do go on holidays. And, until this ends, learn to confront her and be assertive. These are skills you'll need with other people in life.

For e.g., if she says food sucks, tell her "mom, it hurts me when you say this. I've had enough. If you don't have something useful to add, please don't". Then go on, and do your thing. That should put her back in her place. If she turns this against you, say it aka "no no, you don't turn this against me." And repeat what you said advice.

Rinse and repeat. It can be exhausting, I know. Specially, that we have that child in us that is hurt and just wants love. My mom is similar btw.

We have to do what we have to do. Please have fun,and as @Rose MosseMosse mentioned, don't take her words to heart. She probably doesn't know how to do better. Not until you start drawing and re-enforcing boundaries. Expect some backlash, but pull through nonetheless.

[Lambert]

Why did you have to move in with her? Are you helping her? Is she helping you? 

[Wise Wally]

I need some perspective here.  What do you normally cook and what was your major?

[melancholy123]

We must have the same mother.  I couldn't do anything right either and she is the reason I moved out at 18.  I swore I'd live in a cardboard box rather than go back to her house.  I never did go back.  Didnt live in a box either.  I found my own way.

If i was you I'd go on holiday before the major holidays rolled round.  Let her talk about you, she will do it anyway.  Can you move out before Jan?

Talking to her will do you no good, she won't hear you.

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, AngeD said:

I want to spend the holidays with just my boyfriend, but like I said, she will talk about me nonstop that I didn't spend them with her. And I will have to hear about this directly to my face until I move out

Honestly, does she blame you for not wanting to spend time with her?  wow...

Lacking in decency & respect 😕 . I have a neighbour like this!  Always overly critical with her kid.  Makes my skin crawl.

Is time to do as YOU please.. No matter what, you'll her crap from her anyways... right?  Some people are just plain out crabs!  You don't need any of this.

Go spend it with your 'special someone" 🙂 .

 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, AngeD said:

I'm moving out to my own place in January.  I honestly cannot stand to be with her for the holidays.

I want to spend the holidays with just my boyfriend

Just stay in your own lane until you can move. Spend your holidays wit h your BF.

She's not going to change so do what's right for you because she's basically an unhappy person.

 Keep your distance. How is your relationship with your father and siblings?

[AngeD]

27 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

We must have the same mother.  I couldn't do anything right either and she is the reason I moved out at 18.  I swore I'd live in a cardboard box rather than go back to her house.  I never did go back.  Didnt live in a box either.  I found my own way.

Ha! We might have the same mother. I to, told myself I would never move in with my mom, but here I am and I did. Thank you for your words. You're right, she will just talk about me no matter what I do. I want to move out before January, but I wanted some extra time to get some things in order. 

[lostandhurt]

This is the classic No Win situation or Damned if I do and Damned if I don't.

What you need to do is think about your life first in all this.  What would be the least damaging to you?

Making yourself scarce around the holidays or staying all the way through?

If all she is going to do is talk behind your back about what a terrible daughter you are then by all means get out of there and be with your bf.  She tells stuff like that to your face now so who cares if she runs her mouth off to whomever is unlucky enough to listen.  By the way after the holidays if she lays into you constantly just ignore her. I know it is easy to say and hard to do but it is possible.  You know who she is and how she is so that is your advantage.

  This kind of sounds like a battered wife trying to keep her husband happy so she doesn't get a beating.  She does things she doesn't want to just to avoid the inevitable.  This is my point, your mother is going to beat you down no matter what you do so why not enjoy the holidays with your bf and make some really good memories you can think about while your mother makes her noise.

There is no changing her or reasoning with her so just do what is best for you. Any escape from her even if it comes with a price of more demeaning comments seems to be worth it.

  Lost

[AngeD]

1 hour ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Yep. Go on holiday.

Your mom is the type whatever you do, you won't be able to please her. You're never enough for her. So why stay during the holidays? Why let her talk to you like that?

Do go on holidays. And, until this ends, learn to confront her and be assertive. These are skills you'll need with other people in life.

You are right. I will never be enough for her. I have learned to be assertive with other people, but find it hard to do so with family. 

[AngeD]

1 minute ago, lostandhurt said:

This is the classic No Win situation or Damned if I do and Damned if I don't.

What you need to do is think about your life first in all this.  What would be the least damaging to you?

Making yourself scarce around the holidays or staying all the way through?

If all she is going to do is talk behind your back about what a terrible daughter you are then by all means get out of there and be with your bf.  She tells stuff like that to your face now so who cares if she runs her mouth off to whomever is unlucky enough to listen.  By the way after the holidays if she lays into you constantly just ignore her. I know it is easy to say and hard to do but it is possible.  You know who she is and how she is so that is your advantage.

  This kind of sounds like a battered wife trying to keep her husband happy so she doesn't get a beating.  She does things she doesn't want to just to avoid the inevitable.  This is my point, your mother is going to beat you down no matter what you do so why not enjoy the holidays with your bf and make some really good memories you can think about while your mother makes her noise.

There is no changing her or reasoning with her so just do what is best for you. Any escape from her even if it comes with a price of more demeaning comments seems to be worth it.

  Lost

Honestly, everything you said has opened my eyes. You are right, it is the classic, "Damned if I do, damned if I don't" situation.

No matter what my choice is, she will have something negative to say. So why not just do what I want? I will be happy spending the holidays with my partner, but I will listen to her negativity when I get back. Or I can simply stay with her and feel bad the whole time. Either way, I will feel her negativity, but at least I can enjoy an actual happy holiday. 

Thank you

[Seraphim]

Just do what you want and enjoy the holiday. It doesn’t really matter what she says. People can only treat us like crap if we allow it. She starts at you- walk away without speaking. Yaps at you on the phone- talk to you when you are not so critical and hang up. 
 

 But don’t have it both ways saying you are staying with her to set yourself up better when you can’t stand her attitude. Just leave . 

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, AngeD said:

I will be happy spending the holidays with my partner, but I will listen to her negativity when I get back. Or I can simply stay with her and feel bad the whole time.

Go spend the holidays with your BF.

You are enabling her guilt trips if you stay. You need to take responsibility in your role in that. 

So, as long as you claim it will suck in her presence, why not have it only suck when you have to return rather than the entire time?

 Try not to fall into a martyr mindset, unless you wish to turn out just like her.

[Lambert]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

Just do what you want and enjoy the holiday. It doesn’t really matter what she says. People can only treat us like crap if we allow it. She starts at you- walk away without speaking. Yaps at you on the phone- talk to you when you are not so critical and hang up. 
 

 But don’t have it both ways saying you are staying with her to set yourself up better when you can’t stand her attitude. Just leave . 

I think this is right.  You never answered why you are there.  unless I missed it.

If she is helping you, that's something you have to consider. maybe she is resentful but can't speak to the real cause for whatever reason. And so she lashes out with criticism.

I would say,  mom, I am so appreciative of your help.  But why do say such critical things? I obviously could use some kindness in this situation. Am I doing something or do you have something you want to talk about? 

If you are helping her, then you have every right to tell her flat out, mom, I'm trying my best to help you.  I don't know why you are being so critical?

It's really hard to cut someone out of your life, for any reason, if you're living under the same roof. So some communication is needed.   she is difficult to talk to but you have to try... or you need to find other arrangements either for her or you. 

 

[tattoobunnie]

Just say your boyfriend won a trip to (insert some place far), and spend it with your man, whether loafing around the house or whatever.

[boltnrun]

I wouldn't make up a lie. Lies are hard to sustain.

I would simply make plans with your boyfriend and let mom know the day you're leaving. 

[Andrina]

Has anyone ever pointed out to her that her negativity makes you and others upset? If not, though it seems like she should know this, she might think she's just a frank person who is genuine in that she doesn't sugarcoat things. Could be how she sees herself. 

Think about how you usually react to her cutting comments and change it up. React totally differently and send her for a loop. Maybe it will be eye-opening for her. Apparently, she likes your company since she wants you there for the holidays. Whenever she begins treating you like that, remove yourself from her presence, whether it be to take a walk, eating in a different room where she won't follow or pack up your food and eat at a park. Say you have to cut the conversation short because you have to study or make a phone call. 

Stop enabling her manipulation. You don't have to explain anything to her about the reasons you've chosen to spend time with others besides her any time of the year. If you did however, I'd probably say something like: "(Boyfriend's name) is so loving and makes me feel special. He's always so positive and fun. I can't wait to spend the holidays with him." If your mother is so clueless, perhaps she needs to be schooled on why people gravitate toward positivity and run from negativity. She hasn't lived with these consequences because you've given in to her controlling ways. Time to switch things up because the dynamic you've all settled for will continue to make you all miserable. Good luck.

[Cherylyn]

She'll bad mouth you whether you celebrate the holiday with your boyfriend or not so you might as well go on holiday with your boyfriend. 

Since you live with your mother, learn to ignore her.  Don't react nor respond.  You can't control what she says or does.  All you can do is not engage and when your tasks or chores are done, walk away calmly.  Don't feel emotional.  Once you remove emotion and become more numb, you will be resilient.  Practice makes perfect.

[catfeeder]

There's no 'wrong' decision you can make on your own behalf, but I'd be sure to adopt the most favorable perspective on my choice.

First off, my best defense is full agreement and leaning IN to own any and all family accusations. For instance, I tend to respond cheerfully to comments such as, "You did this-or-that..." with, "Yes. I. Did. ...and I'm a horrible person for it!"

Or, "You think that's funny..." with, "Yes. I. Do. I'm a freakin' sociopath!"

Nobody can really argue with me, because I won't argue back.

"Well, I think you're irresponsible..." "Well, I think you're RIGHT."

Try arguing with that.

Secondly, if I opt to feel obligated to be somewhere on a holiday, I stop fantasizing that a given day 'must' be special so I must feel lousy about my big sacrifice. Really??

No, 'I' get to pick how I feel, AND, I own my own calendar--I can make ANY day special, especially when I'm not paying top dollar to travel during a big gouge, AND I can celebrate any holiday for as many days as I wish, with whomever I wish, 'around' that obligation I've voluntarily elected to take on.

Sooo, for my birthday, I claim the whole month! I start celebrating on the first with some people, I join others in their celebrations of their own birthdays in between, and I celebrate with others at the end of the month.

Why not just claim the whole month or two for YOUR holidays, and if the one DAY or two you devote to your cranky Mom falls on the actual day, then goodie for her--and you. Spend the week before or after with BF, or celebrate for as long as you wish.

I realize that it can do something to your head to be around someone who's negative, but that's exactly why I choose to respond by killing them with kindness, humor, and blatant demonstrations that I don't take their grumpy comments seriously. If they choose to keep dishing, I will continue to make fun of them for that--OR, they can join me in some levity and a challenge to enjOy themselves.

Life is shor...

 

[abitbroken]

If not seeing your mom means that you won't see all of your other family - i would just set boundaries.  Don't "spend the holidays" with them as in being there 24/7, but be there for Christmas dinner or the main event but then going for Christmas dessert with your boyfriend's family, for example.  Keep it short and sweet.  schedule seeing friends or other relatives surrounding Christmas so you aren't sitting at home all the time

Is your mom worse one on one and she is better when there is a "buffer" -- ie Aunt Gladys comes over and she always tries to show her best to Aunt Gladys, etc. 

my mother and i really butted heads - but a couple years after i moved out - our relationship really changed.