Bf just admitted to p**n addiction, hasn't been intimate with me in months.

[Feelinghurt91]

Looking for advice but also needing to vent and let out some of the hurt. 

My bf and I are going on 3 years together, we're both 30. We haven't been truly intimate in almost a year. I'm open with him about how it hurts me and how I don't feel like he's still attracted to me even though he says he is. I try to initiate intimacy but it gets met with changing the subject, moving away from me, putting focus on something in the room like the TV or the dog, making jokes. I've lost track of how many times we've fought over it and I end up depressed, feeling worse while he makes empty promises that he'll make an effort to try more. But he never does.

Then yesterday he told me he has a p**n addiction and he thinks it's easier to handle himself that way than to actually involve me in it. Ouch. I don't have an issue with him watching it, hell, I watch it, but my heart hurts that he would rather do that than to make an effort with me. And he didn't seem bothered to tell me. (I'd also like to point out that during past intimate moments I'm very involved so it's not like I'm asking for an arm or a leg). He tells me often that I'm his soul mate and he would do anything for me but this issue is still so prevalent and no action actually gets taken to work on it. It's like all the effort that gets put into avoiding it could be put into actually working on it...ugh.

I hate to admit it but I consider cheating on him a lot, but I know that I just want the feeling of being wanted by someone and it wouldn't be anything of substance... but I really want that feeling again...

Idk I feel like I'm losing it and wanting to throw in the towel. Intimacy isn't everything in a relationship and I understand that but it's one of the ways I enjoy connecting with my partner and I thought he did too and it wasn't an issue before. 

I know addiction isn't personal but I can't help but feel self conscious... is it my body? My hair? Do I smell bad? Is my conversation a turn off? Really does have me looking in the mirror different... thanks cardi. 

Any advice for this hurting person? Anyone been through something similar? 💔😔

[waffle]

I assume by "intimacy" you mean "sex"

[Feelinghurt91]

Yes, sex ✌

[Kwothe28]

Go watch "Don Jon". Guy had Scarlett freakin Johansson and still opted for porn. So, it might not be you at all.

Also, its his addiiction and you should encourage him to get help with that and see therapist that could help him to get that under control.

[boltnrun]

Has he said he wants to stop?  Has he said he wants "help" with his porn addiction?

If not, you can't force him to see a therapist.

[MissCanuck]

36 minutes ago, Feelinghurt91 said:

this issue is still so prevalent and no action actually gets taken to work on it

Does he not plan on seeking any help for this? Because if not, this will not get better.

He needs to take active, measurable steps to break this addiction (which will likely require professional treatment) and if he won't, well, I personally would not stay. That would suggest to me that he is comfortable with the status quo, and possibly lying about the real reasons he avoids sex. 

[Lambert]

This is awful. And I would really consider ending things. Not only are your needs not met. He has no intentions of even acknowledging your needs, he doesn't feel bad about it nor is he planning to fix anything.

Add into that toxic soup, your self- esteem has taken a major hit.

I say he only wants his hand and you're just expected to deal with it... leave him with it. 

You deserve and can find so much better.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Feelinghurt91 said:

I hate to admit it but I consider cheating on him a lot. I feel like I'm losing it and wanting to throw in the towel.

Sorry this is happening. Do you live together?

This started a year ago? Do you suspect  he is cheating? 

Consider ending the relationship. Not because of whatever "addiction" he claims he has but selfish apathy, stonewalling you and shutting you out.

 In the meantime do not initiate anything and do not pleasure him. Ask him to sleep in the guestroom/sofa.

This way you can detach and reflect on what kind of selfish cold loser does this. He claims he has his soulmate next to him but he'd rather play with himself like a 13 y/o?

 

[Feelinghurt91]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Do you live together?

This started a year ago? Do you suspect  he is cheating? 

Consider ending the relationship. Not because of whatever "addiction" he claims he has but selfish apathy, stonewalling you and shutting you out.

 In the meantime do not initiate anything and do not pleasure him. Ask him to sleep in the guestroom/sofa.

This way you can detach and reflect on what kind of selfish cold loser does this. He claims he has his soulmate next to him but he'd rather play with himself like a 13 y/o?

 

We don't live together but we are together every day. I really don't think he could be cheating... seems like too much effort on his part to be honest.

Truly the words of a wiseman lol thank you for your advice and input. It helps to see it from that perspective, if I really am his soulmate then why is he still carrying on that way? 

[Feelinghurt91]

49 minutes ago, Lambert said:

This is awful. And I would really consider ending things. Not only are your needs not met. He has no intentions of even acknowledging your needs, he doesn't feel bad about it nor is he planning to fix anything.

Add into that toxic soup, your self- esteem has taken a major hit.

I say he only wants his hand and you're just expected to deal with it... leave him with it. 

You deserve and can find so much better.

Thank you for your words, it really has taken a huge toll on my self esteem and worth. Very helpful to hear what an outsider sees in this situation, makes me feel a little less crazy honestly. 

[Feelinghurt91]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

Does he not plan on seeking any help for this? Because if not, this will not get better.

He needs to take active, measurable steps to break this addiction (which will likely require professional treatment) and if he won't, well, I personally would not stay. That would suggest to me that he is comfortable with the status quo, and possibly lying about the real reasons he avoids sex. 

Thank you for your reply. Since it was just brought up yesterday I needed time to process it and haven't been able to discuss treatment or anything with him yet, I know it could be really beneficial though. 

[Feelinghurt91]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Has he said he wants to stop?  Has he said he wants "help" with his porn addiction?

If not, you can't force him to see a therapist.

He didn't say he wants to stop but I think admitting to me he had the addiction might have been an incredibly obscure way to see if I had any suggestions for him. I was still trying to process what he had told me and so unfortunately I was in support/listening mode instead of a solving mode. 

[Lambert]

37 minutes ago, Feelinghurt91 said:

Thank you for your words, it really has taken a huge toll on my self esteem and worth. Very helpful to hear what an outsider sees in this situation, makes me feel a little less crazy honestly. 

YOU are NOT crazy. His behavior is not part of a happy healthy relationship.  Sex is not everything, but it is something all healthy humans crave, need and deserve. 

You're not married to him. You don't live with him. You are free to make sure you do what's best for you! Don't sell out your needs...

[Feelinghurt91]

16 minutes ago, Lambert said:

YOU are NOT crazy. His behavior is not part of a happy healthy relationship.  Sex is not everything, but it is something all healthy humans crave, need and deserve. 

You're not married to him. You don't live with him. You are free to make sure you do what's best for you! Don't sell out your needs...

Thank you :') I really do appreciate your understanding words. 

[lostandhurt]

Okay I have been on this forum a long time and I have seen this come up constantly.  There are men out there with sexy gorgeous wives/gf's that would rather watch porn and jerk off than be intimate with  them.  This isn't about you at all, it is about him and the fantasy.

Porn isn't real which most people understand but it serves a real purpose.  Watching porn is easy and there are no downsides it would seem right?  Watch, get turned on and then pleasure yourself and nobody gets hurt.  Of course that isn't how it really is.  Men and women sometimes get sucked into the fantasy or just the ease of it.  There is no one else to worry about, you can be selfish and just get off and be done with it and most of all it becomes habit or in this case an addiction.  Porn has become his intimacy and his total sexual release.  This was never about you, it was about him neglecting you and real life for women faking everything.

  My biggest concern is that 1. You are taking some of the blame and 2. He doesn't seem to think there is a problem.  I have seen and lived through addicts admitting they have a problem just to get somebody (family member, boss, wife) off their back.  Then they make a bunch of promises they have no intention of keeping because in their mind they have it all under control.

Your bf didn't show remorse or shame for neglecting you and the relationship.  What does that tell you?

By now he can only get an erection to porn and that is why he stall and changes the subject when you initiate.  He has conditioned himself to only get turned on by porn and he is probably somewhat concerned but not enough to stop cold turkey and seek outside help.

  He is not your soul mate, soul mates do not neglect the person they love for a video screen.  Intimacy is more than just penetration and it sounds like you are missing all types of intimacy from him.

 Since you do not live together and have no children together I think you should seriously consider ending what is left of this relationship. You mentioned thinking about cheating, well he has been cheating on you in a sense hasn't he?  He has turned all his sexual desires to other women even if they are actors playing a part.  If he was remorseful and doing everything possible to break the addiction I wouldn't be telling you to reconsider the relationship but he isn't is he?

  You are so young and at 3 years together should still be all over each other but you haven't had sex with him since year two.  What will year 5 bring?  I don't see any future with this guy do you?

  Lost

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Feelinghurt91 said:

He didn't say he wants to stop but I think admitting to me he had the addiction might have been an incredibly obscure way to see if I had any suggestions for him. I was still trying to process what he had told me and so unfortunately I was in support/listening mode instead of a solving mode. 

When has he been in "support/listening" mode for you?  Has he been supportive of your concerns in the past or does he deflect, change the topic or disregard your feelings?

What suggestions does HE have?  And why would he use an obscure way to ask for suggestions instead of, you know, actually asking for suggestions?

[catfeeder]

Porn, schmorn. I wouldn't care 'why' someone would expect to keep me in a sexless relationship--it just wouldn't happen.

Why jump though hoops because someone won't give you what you want and deserve in a loving relationship, when you can just tell him when you expect him out of there?

[SooSad33]

8 hours ago, Feelinghurt91 said:

I hate to admit it but I consider cheating on him a lot, but I know that I just want the feeling of being wanted by someone and it wouldn't be anything of substance... but I really want that feeling again...

Then this isn't the one for you, is it? 😕 

Intimacy is part of a healthy relationship.  if he denies you and for this long?  Be done with him

Has been 3 yrs and he changed big time after 2.

Get out of this and move ahead with your life with someone who does show some affection.

 

[Rose Mosse]

This sparks so many more questions instead of answering anything. How long has this been going on? Is he only now aware? Is he having an emotional affair or interacting personally with cam girls or other individuals providing services online one on one? Does he plan to stop? Does he see this as a problem? If he does how is it he has had no conscience having a girlfriend at the same time? If he does not see this as a problem, then is he, in essence, asking you to make a decision (whether you have a problem with it)? 

If it is a porn addiction, is he addressing it? Is he funding his own treatment and seeking other options? 

Intimacy is crucial in a romantic relationship, from emotional intimacy right down to physical. If he is preoccupied elsewhere he's not able to satisfy you mentally, emotionally, physically. 

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, Feelinghurt91 said:

I was in support/listening mode instead of a solving mode. 

This isn't your problem to solve, OP. It's his. 

Look, the relationship is already on very thin ice. Speaking bluntly, I would not stay with a guy who avoids sex with me for an entire year. That is extreme, and my gut says its not just about porn. He's avoiding intimacy with you at almost all costs, it appears.  

I think there are other reasons he's not disclosing. And I personally would not even care to find out what they are. I would just be done. 

[Wise Wally]

16 hours ago, Lambert said:

He has no intentions of even acknowledging your needs, he doesn't feel bad about it nor is he planning to fix anything.

 

Lambert hit the nail on the it.  Sure, I believe porn is toxic and leads to this type of dysfunction. However, if he truly cares about you and believes you're his soulmate, then he would at least go through the motions to let you know he cares about you, even if he secretly thinks it's a chore.  Also, if you were truly my soulmate, I would have proposed before 3 years.  If you think he's selfish now, wait until another 3 years.