Long term marriage but different desires

[vomer]

So as my wife and I enter into retirement our desires to activities are vastly different.  She is a low activity person, eat dinner out, watch tv, have dinner with a couple of friends, discount shop type.  Me- diving, bicycle riding, desire to travel overseas ( her no overseas).  This hasn't been a big problem due to us being busy with our own careers.  My children have traveled with me a good deal in the past but now they are older and busy.  I actually get along well with women and have a couple as friends which my wife knows about and a couple I've known for about 20  years and never had sex.  Now I'd love to go on a bicycling trip overseas but like how?  This has been a life long dream and my wife doesn't ride at all and won't.  What's worse is that I now know of someone with the same mindset and desires to have an active life and of course she is a woman.  Makes me wonder if I should stay married?  

[LaHermes]

Vomer.

I utterly fail to see why you cannot go on an overseas bicycling trip with other people (I am sure there are many bicycling associations where like minded people join together to cycle abroad and elsewhere).

You are mixing up cycling as something that most involve "another woman".  

Many couples have different hobbies.  I know couples where the husband is into sailing and the wife not.  But the husbands do go sailing on both home waters and further afield for maybe days or even a sailing holiday.  Doesn't mean they have to stop being married!

There are plenty out there with your mindset and desires who could join you on a cycling trip. A mixed group of men and women?

 

 

 

[MissCanuck]

11 minutes ago, vomer said:

What's worse is that I now know of someone with the same mindset and desires to have an active life and of course she is a woman.  Makes me wonder if I should stay married?  

What are your feelings for this other lady, if you're being compeltely honest with yourself?

It's quite the leap to go from having some things in common with other friends to wondering if you should divorce your wife. So, what is really underlying this? What sort of problems exist in your marriage apart from different hobbies?

[LaHermes]

2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

It's quite the leap to go from having some things in common with other friends to wondering if you should divorce your wife. So, what is really underlying this?

Exactly what I am wondering too!

I fail to see the connection. If you want to go on a cycling trip overseas you could just as easily go with a male friend, or a cycling group. 

[Seraphim]

6 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Exactly what I am wondering too!

I fail to see the connection. If you want to go on a cycling trip overseas you could just as easily go with a male friend, or a cycling group. 

Yup ! There are cycling groups. 

[Kwothe28]

I would also ask what Canadian girl asks: You spent probably a lifetime with that woman, is now really a problem just because she wont go cycling? It just seem strange that you got along for years only for her not being proactive now bothers you. You have to at least have some activities you do together as you are (assuming) hapilly married for years. Also, yes, its not unusual for old people to go to trips and do stuff separately. So if you want to do cycling go for it. Just dont cheat your wife with a friend lol

[Tinydance]

Yes I'm thinking the cycling and hobbies are not the issue? Are you losing interest in your wife in general? 

[LaHermes]

1 hour ago, vomer said:

and of course she is a woman. 

Are there no male cyclists where you come from OP?

I think what is going on is that you have met another woman (nothing to do with being a woman cyclist) and it turns out she has interests similar to your own.

You would do well to have a conversation with your wife, and tell her what is on your mind, and warn her that you are even thinking of leaving her. That is the ethical thing to do. 

 

1 hour ago, vomer said:

and a couple I've known for about 20  years and never had sex. 

What exactly are you saying here. You have women friends you have known for 20 years. That's fine. But why would you want to have sex with them, or why would they want sex with you.

 

[SherrySher]

You're very specific in the company you're choosing and the questions you're asking.

Mentioning other females, mentioning never had sex with them? Somewhat strange if your true desire is to only go bicycling.

Even more so, questioning if you should remain married?

I don't think your mind is on cycling at this point. I think if you're honest with yourself, you're looking at these other women as potential mates and wondering if you should end the marriage.

[Tinydance]

12 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

You're very specific in the company you're choosing and the questions you're asking.

Mentioning other females, mentioning never had sex with them? Somewhat strange if your true desire is to only go bicycling.

Even more so, questioning if you should remain married?

I don't think your mind is on cycling at this point. I think if you're honest with yourself, you're looking at these other women as potential mates and wondering if you should end the marriage.

Yes it doesn't seem his interest is in riding a bike, but something else 😉

[vomer]

13 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Yes it doesn't seem his interest is in riding a bike, but something else 😉

That's funny. Of course there's more to it than the short story.  We almost separated 10 years ago and while we tried counselling my wife said it was too hard for her and quit.  Our communication has never been too good either.  She sometimes takes off for a month or so in the summer to go to the mountains and it's a nice break but I also realize that I wouldn't mind if it was far longer. On the positive side there's no money problems and we are still sexually active with each other and care about each other's health.

Maybe I'm asking for too much?

[Tinydance]

1 minute ago, vomer said:

That's funny. Of course there's more to it than the short story.  We almost separated 10 years ago and while we tried counselling my wife said it was too hard for her and quit.  Our communication has never been too good either.  She sometimes takes off for a month or so in the summer to go to the mountains and it's a nice break but I also realize that I wouldn't mind if it was far longer. On the positive side there's no money problems and we are still sexually active with each other and care about each other's health.

Maybe I'm asking for too much?

Hmmm well you don't seem happy? You seem to have disconnected from your wife a long time ago. A decade ago to be exact. What's your gut feeling telling you? 

[LaHermes]

23 minutes ago, vomer said:

On the positive side there's no money problems and we are still sexually active with each other and care about each other's health.

So, where is the problem?  Nothing to stop you going cycling abroad for a month or as long as you wish.  As I said above, there are plenty of cycling clubs with like-minded people who share your interests. 

But what I see is that you want the cycling holiday, but on your own with this woman friend? Yes?

You say your communication with your wife has never been good. You might care to elaborate on that. But communication can always be improved upon.

"Maybe I'm asking for too much?"

Not sure what you mean by this question.  It isn't asking too much to go on a cycling holiday, if that is what you mean.   

 

 

[smackie9]

Do lets get down to it.....you really don't see a point of staying married because there is no longer any fulfillment with each other. That being excited about someone new who enjoys everything you like to do, would be the icing on the cake because life is getting short.

The next step would be to talk to your wife about your desire to move on with your life because you are bored and feel life has so much to offer being single again.

Hey people do it all the time, the marriage runs it's course, and they amicably separate.

[vomer]

I'm doing nothing now as I need my mind to settle but I plan to revisit with the therapist who saw use 10 years ago. I will see him privately.  By the way he was recommended to us by my wife's best friend.

[Rose Mosse]

2 hours ago, vomer said:

So as my wife and I enter into retirement our desires to activities are vastly different.  She is a low activity person, eat dinner out, watch tv, have dinner with a couple of friends, discount shop type.  Me- diving, bicycle riding, desire to travel overseas ( her no overseas).  This hasn't been a big problem due to us being busy with our own careers.  My children have traveled with me a good deal in the past but now they are older and busy.  I actually get along well with women and have a couple as friends which my wife knows about and a couple I've known for about 20  years and never had sex.  Now I'd love to go on a bicycling trip overseas but like how?  This has been a life long dream and my wife doesn't ride at all and won't.  What's worse is that I now know of someone with the same mindset and desires to have an active life and of course she is a woman.  Makes me wonder if I should stay married?  

That's a question only you can answer. If you are continuing to see this other "friend" who has caused your mind to wander from your marriage, then you are not giving your marriage fair consideration. Until you sort out your priorities or what you want in your personal life, stay away from that particular person and find other riding buddies and social groups to ride with. 

[vomer]

Yes I'm minimizing my interactions but some is unavoidable due to work and this can't be changed. I'm at least mature enough that attraction doesn't mean long term suitability. I think what I'm afraid of is exactly what smackie9 said.  

By the way I'm glad I found this forum-Thanks to all of you

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, vomer said:

 I now know of someone with the same mindset and desires to have an active life and of course she is a woman.  Makes me wonder if I should stay married?  

Yes, there's a lot missing to this story if you are contemplating divorce for a cycling trip.

Consult an attorney and see what your options are in divorce. Check your retirement accounts, social security and pensions. 

Forget marriage therapy.  She's not interested. It sounds like you can't afford divorce so want to go on some dream trip with a woman dressed up as a cycling expedition.

You seem quite contemptuous of your wife although you have sex/affection regularly. All this because she would rather go out to dinner than ride bikes?

[DarkCh0c0]

2 hours ago, SherrySher said:

I don't think your mind is on cycling at this point. I think if you're honest with yourself, you're looking at these other women as potential mates and wondering if you should end the marriage.

This ^

You can find buddies or go on a trip alone, but instead you're thinking about doing it with other women.. whatever it is. As if the grass is greener on the other side.

Your wife could travel and wait for you at the hotel or at the end line. What's wrong with that?.

> You have other and deeper marriage concerns than hobbies. Explore these and be honest with yourself and your wife, instead of fantasizing about other women as a bandaid.

[Lambert]

If you still care for each other, get along fine, are still having sex and share all the other aspects of life.  I wonder if you would miss her and how it would feel if she was with another man? (assuming you divorce.  not a cheating situation) 

[boltnrun]

You could go on a cycling trip with your wife and another couple (or couples). If cycling is truly what you want to do. Whoever wants to cycle can and whoever doesn't can stay at the hotel or RV and do whatever they want. My former coworker has a husband who likes to ride out in the desert. She does not. So they rent an RV and go to the desert and meet up with other families. Some ride, some do not. No divorce required.

However, if what you want to "do" is this other woman that's an entirely different story.

It kind of seems like you and your wife have "empty nest syndrome". Now that the kids are grown and out of the house you are finding you two are not so compatible after all. That can be worked through if you both want to.

[Jibralta]

3 hours ago, vomer said:

She sometimes takes off for a month or so in the summer to go to the mountains and it's a nice break

This makes me think that you must have the freedom to take a similarly long vacation. I think your issue is more about the new woman than your activity preferences.

3 hours ago, vomer said:

We almost separated 10 years ago and while we tried counselling my wife said it was too hard for her and quit.

Yet you got back together. Why?

[DancingFool]

2 hours ago, vomer said:

She sometimes takes off for a month or so in the summer to go to the mountains

Doesn't sound like your wife is the inactive schlep you are making her out to be.

It does, however, sound like you are way more infatuated with this other woman than you care to admit. Is it enough to break up your marriage over? Nobody can tell you that. Talking to a divorce lawyer might be sobering for you in terms of what life might be like post divorce financially and whether those trips abroad will still be feasible or not.

Anyway, this doesn't sound like anything to do with biking and a lot to do with the fact that you are taking your wife for granted, don't value her and are itching to check out a new flavor.

All I can say is whatever you do, don't cheat. If you are certain that your marriage is done, then be kind and just get a divorce.

[LaHermes]

1 hour ago, Lambert said:

If you still care for each other, get along fine, are still having sex and share all the other aspects of life.  I wonder if you would miss her and how it would feel if she was with another man?

It sure isn't the cycling!   I am puzzled. You say you get along fine, still have sex, share all other aspects of life, financially stable. What is NOT to like about that portrait. 

 

5 hours ago, vomer said:

I now know of someone with the same mindset and desires to have an active life and of course she is a woman.

I don't understand the "of course" in that remark.  Is it only women who like an active life and cycling? 

And then:

"I'm minimizing my interactions but some is unavoidable due to work and this can't be changed. I'm at least mature enough that attraction doesn't mean long term suitability."

So this is just not a cycling lady, but someone in your place of work.  So that is where you "met" her. 

Always wise to keep business and pleasure separate. 

[Cherylyn]

If you have to question whether or not you should remain married and your mind is wandering about other women, then the answer is no, don't remain married because your heart and soul are not unequivocally invested.  You are bored.  If you're dissatisfied, then discuss your feelings with your wife and decide which is the best course of action for both of you.  Either go your separate ways permanently and do what you desire to your heart's content or find a happy medium where both parties are satisfied and content. 

I've been married for a long time and my husband and I don't participate in every single activity together.  You don't have to have a multitude of common interests all the time.  Granted, it would be beneficial to share similar healthy lifestyles.  However, everyone is different with their personal preferences. 

Hopefully you both can reach a compromise.  You do what you enjoy, let her do what she enjoys and then do what both of you enjoy together whether it's hobbies, socializing with mutual friends, church if you're faith based (even virtually during this pandemic), intellectual pursuits, sightseeing, museums (?), dinner out (date nights on the town), movies (at home?) and the like.  Broaden your horizons.