Husband gets friendly with divorcee

[Meeee]

I have been married to my husband for 7 years.  We have had our fair share of rocky times which I won’t go into.  Recently things have been better and we had our second child 14 weeks ago.  The last week has been a bit tense between us probably due to lack of sleep. 

Before we got pregnant last year my husband rekindled a friendship with a girl he knew from uni.  She had recently divorced.  They had a night went out in her home town (with another guy from uni) - they all got wasted and stayed at hers.  He never told me he was staying there etc until after he already had and I asked.  I felt uncomfortable with it.  I’d read messages between them and they were a bit flirty and she kept saying she wanted him to hook her up with one of his mates… if they were like him good looking and outdoorsy.  We became pregnant and I didn’t feel the need to discuss it.  I did then look at his messages and he’d deleted all their messages. Which made me concerned. Lockdown III happened and they obviously couldn’t meet up.  The weekend before we were due to have our baby he said all his uni mates were meeting up…. Named about 6 of them - all lads (didn’t include her) but in actual fact I could see it was only him and her and one other guy from uni. Anyway he didn’t end up going but the point is he lied about who was going. 

Anyway we had our baby. I’m tired as I do all the feeds and I suggested to my husband to sleep in another room so at least one of us got some sleep and then he wouldn’t b shattered for work. 

Then the texts started coming in trying to meet up as this group of 3:  He then went to an area for work, and he said he might not come straight home due to traffic, he might go for a run. Which I thought was strange, then I realised he was working in the area she lived. I noticed he’d taken all the kids seats out of the car also (again unusual). He then calls me and says he’s going to stay away so he can go straight to work the next day and he had work to do (was expecting this may happen but hoped it wouldn’t).  My son then rings him again and again off the echo but he doesn’t pick up… so eventually he picks up. I said oh where ru and he said I’ve met up with (her) and we’ve gone for a run together.  He was in her house.  He chats for a bit then says I’ve got to go and get a shower.  So he’s in another woman’s house, having been for a run and now showering there!  We have find my friends and I could see he had gone to a pub I assume with her.  I’m not saying it’s not ok to b mates with the other sex but I feel uncomfortable the way it happened.  I have loads of lad mates from school and uni but we all see each other together and I make my husband part of that.  If I suddenly got friendly with a guy from uni who I’d not seen for 10 years… when they had divorced, I think he’d find that odd too. 
 

I have had trust issues due to previous relationships.  I’m so anxious and I’m so worried that he’s going to ruin our family.  My instincts say that something is off… if nothing has happened yet it’s only a matter of time . Help. Am I just being a jealous wife…. 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Meeee said:

he said I’ve met up with (her) and we’ve gone for a run together.  He was in her house.  He chats for a bit then says I’ve got to go and get a shower.  So he’s in another woman’s house, having been for a run and now showering there

It's up to you to decide whether you want to speak with an attorney and review your options in the event of a divorce or if you prefer to confront your husband with unacceptable behavior. 

[Batya33]

You don’t have trust issues.  You have issues with your husband behaving inappropriately.  Or worse. Please take care of yourself and your baby first and foremost.  And make plans to separate. 

[MissCanuck]

19 minutes ago, Meeee said:

Am I just being a jealous wife…. 

I don't think so, no. 

I am quite sure your instincts about this are right on the money. I'm sorry.

[DarkCh0c0]

43 minutes ago, Meeee said:

My son then rings him again and again off the echo but he doesn’t pick up… so eventually he picks up. I said oh where ru and he said I’ve met up with (her) and we’ve gone for a run together.  He was in her house.  He chats for a bit then says I’ve got to go and get a shower.  So he’s in another woman’s house, having been for a run and now showering there!

I am so sorry.

That should be the end of it. He crossed that line way too much. He has a pregnant wife and two kids (of which 1 new born) and all he's thinking about is cheating and hanging out with friends like an irresponsible father and husband. It's completely unacceptable.

This doesn't even need any discussion, because he'll make you sound as if you are crazy and this is nothing.

Do you have friends or family who can support you? Ask for help and kick him out / separate until you get the divorce papers rolling.

Again, I'm so sorry. That is not easy to handle with the kids.

[Kwothe28]

11 minutes ago, Meeee said:

Am I just being a jealous wife…

Nah, you have enough proof that he is at least being innapropriate. Messages, lies, sleeping at her place, showering there. That is way too suspicious to be just friends hanging out. If you were not married and had kids I would tell you to just leave. Like this, you need to at least confront him first. Though he, as all cheaters, would probably lie so be careful with that. If you really want proof there is probably some agency who would provide that service. By the sound of things they wouldnt have hard time to get it for you. But again, once the lies starts, that is it, sorry.

[Rose Mosse]

It doesn't sound like he cares whether he's caught or not or whether he's doing anything inappropriate. The most you can do is talk about this as a couple and see if there's anything there that you can go on or trust from what he says. 

The alarming part is you worrying about being the jealous wife or checking your instincts when you should be listening to them more closely. Listen to what he says but don't silence what your instincts are telling you and what all these events are showing you. 

[boltnrun]

Do you work? Do you have access to your own funds?

I suggest preparing as though the marriage is ending. See an attorney for advice only. 

Then, sit your husband down for a talk. Tell him you feel his behavior with this woman is inappropriate. Tell him lying is not acceptable. Tell him you want your marriage to work, but it can only succeed only if both of you want it to. Then ask for his input. If he gets defensive or dismisses your concerns or worse, says you are acting crazy or jealous, then you know he values his affair over your marriage. Then you can proceed with getting emotional support from your family and legal assistance from the attorney.

I'm sorry this is happening. I wish you the best possible outcome.

[Lambert]

I'm so sorry he is doing this 

And with a new baby to boot.

I know you don't want to hear this but I would not tolerate this at all. 

He's lied to you, deceived you and if you call him on it or give him an ultimatum. He will just hide it better.

Totally sucks.  He's a jerk.

 

[DarkCh0c0]

46 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Then, sit your husband down for a talk.

Boltnrun, trust has been broken.

There's nothing to be worked on here.

[boltnrun]

9 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Boltnrun, trust has been broken.

There's nothing to be worked on here.

I didn't say anything should be "worked on". I suggested she tell him the marriage would only work if both of them wanted it to. That's not the same thing.

[HappilyMarried1]

@Meeee

Sorry you are feeling this way. A question so this just happened that he was there last week? Is he back home now?

If he is instead of driving yourself crazy with thoughts I think you need to sit him down and point blank ask him if there is something going on whether a EA or PA or both? Explain to him how you feel the way that you do and ask him why he lied about seeing her or going to be around her if there was nothing going on to hide. Ask him how he would feel you went to a college friend that was a male alone and went to their house and showed and went to a pub with them. I think you need to make it plain you don't approve of this in that type of sitting. If nothing is truly going on he should apologize and agree to not allow it to happen again. Best of luck!

[gamon]

Your husband is spending time with a woman, flirting with her, showering at her house, staying at her place overnight, and lying to you about it.

The odds that he is not cheating on you are astronomically low.

Do not make the mistake may betrayed partners make, which is to confront. He'll get angry and defensive and deny any wrongdoing, and you will learn nothing. All it will do is drive the affair (if there is one) further underground.

If you want answers you need to find them yourself and there are many ways to catch a cheating partner which is beyond the scope of this post, but it's time to go into sleuth mode.

Talking to him about his actions being inappropriate and not healthy for the marriage probably won't accomplish anything either. If he's cheating on you the marriage is already over. But you need to know for sure.

 

 

[Capricorn3]

I agree with all posts above.  Your instinct is correct and his behaviour is totally inappropriate and also totally disrespectful to you and your relationship.

Do you have a support network?  Friends or family to go to if you needed to?  I'm so sorry this is happening.  Maybe time to start getting all your ducks in a row.

[Tinydance]

There is something very dodgy going on here. The main reason for that is he's lying and deleting messages. If he wasn't doing anything wrong then why would he be trying to cover something up? If he was really just friends with this woman then he would probably even invite her to your place to actually meet you and the kids. Why would he want to stay at her place when he has a wife, child and a little baby at home waiting for him? There is something seriously wrong here. Even if the friend was male, that is really unfair that he's going out drinking, hanging out with friends while you sit at home alone taking care of the children. He's a husband and father and he has responsibilities at home. It seems like he's losing interest in his family and your life together. Have you confronted him about all this? I think you need to say to him that if he doesn't stop this nonsense, you will be divorcing him. So he has to make a choice, this woman or his family.

[redswim30]

22 hours ago, Meeee said:

I

I have had trust issues due to previous relationships.  I’m so anxious and I’m so worried that he’s going to ruin our family.  My instincts say that something is off… if nothing has happened yet it’s only a matter of time . Help. Am I just being a jealous wife…. 

Most wives would be jealous if their husband was cheating on them.  And I'm sorry to say that it really sounds like yours is.  Feel all the things you need to feel, it's NOT wrong and should 100% trust your instincts. 

My ex-husband also tried to tell me "nothing happened" when he stayed overnight at another woman's house and just by pure coincidence wasn't wearing his wedding ring and it just happened to be the same woman he wrote love poetry for and never wanted me to meet.  But sure, "nothing happened".  

From my experience, OP- there's ZERO point to confronting him.  From my life example above, TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS and don't give him the chance to make you feel like you are "crazy" or "just being jealous", as if him cheating on YOU is somehow just your imagination or a flaw of YOURS.  All my ex tried to do was say I didn't want him to have female friends (not true) and that I was just an overly jealous person (also not true).  It was insulting that he thought I couldn't tell the difference between women that he was clearly just his friends and women he was obviously trying to sleep with. You don't mysteriously "misplace" your wedding ring with people who are just friends.  You also don't SHOWER with them, OP. 

Make a plan, because your marriage is over.  Consult a lawyer and start making choices that don't include him. 

There's better men out there.  No matter how your husband acts now or how other men have treated you in the past, know that you do NOT deserve to be treated this way. 

Best of luck to you. 

 

[abitbroken]

Heck, i would call the woman up and find out if she is aware that not only he is married but he has a newborn at home.  Does she feel good having him shower with her and flirt with her knowing he has a newborn and a wife?

[boltnrun]

3 hours ago, abitbroken said:

Heck, i would call the woman up and find out if she is aware that not only he is married but he has a newborn at home.  Does she feel good having him shower with her and flirt with her knowing he has a newborn and a wife?

I wouldn't do this because the OP exchanged vows with her husband, not this woman. Trying to make the woman go away won't solve the basic issue which is, the OP has a husband who cheats.

[abitbroken]

54 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I wouldn't do this because the OP exchanged vows with her husband, not this woman. Trying to make the woman go away won't solve the basic issue which is, the OP has a husband who cheats.

I should have prefaced it as "this is what my gut would want to do" not that i would...

[lostandhurt]

Trust your gut, something is up for sure.

Even if this was a guy friend he should be home helping take care of the newborn and you!

What do you want to do?

Lost

[Jibralta]

On 8/31/2021 at 2:50 PM, Meeee said:

I have had trust issues due to previous relationships.

I would have trust issues if I was in THIS relationship!! Definitely trust your instincts. This guy is rotten.