Need help with independent woman

[Wiseman2]

Ironically all the games you're playing to "build attraction", will put her off.

[Rose Mosse]

If you have a pattern of texting each other she may be receptive to the text. Some people don't respond much via text. The point is to spend time in person so don't be afraid to ask her out and be clear that it's a date, not a casual hang out.

[Shyguy2021]

1 hour ago, Blacksheep09 said:

Why would you "try not to chase her"? If she's a catch like you say then it's up to you to show her why she should pick you. Consistency is key. Women will look for confidence in a man and if the man is easily spooked by a women who is smart, beautiful and highly sought after it's unattractive and shows he's lazy and not willing to go after what he wants. 

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. The men don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren’t as good, but easy.

So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, THEY’RE amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who’s brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

I’m trying to not be lazy but also not come off as needy or pushy about  her giving me a date which she said she would let me know about. 
 

[boltnrun]

If I've told a man "I'll let you know when I'm free" and he comes back with "When? Now? How about now? When exactly? I'm really interested in you, when can I see you?" I'm going to be put off, not turned on.

I'm not saying that's what you're doing.  But your anxiety is steering the ship and if you're not mindful of this it might cause the exact opposite of what you're trying to accomplish by coming across as pushy or as not paying attention to what she's telling you. Last thing you want is to send a text asking when you can see her and have her reaction be "Holy cow, I already told him I'd let him know when I'm free! Why does he keep asking??"

You didn't answer our questions about what you've been doing with your time over these past few days. Have you been keeping busy doing things and/or spending time with family or friends? Too much time sitting around over analyzing and trying to figure out what your next move should be will result in more anxiety and stagnation. 

[Rose Mosse]

On 3/27/2021 at 8:17 PM, lostandhurt said:

Perhaps a question for the lovely ladies on here would be:  "How can I stay on her mind and increase attraction in between dates"?

Lost

The only thing that would hold any interest to me would be an actual date, place and time. Calling and texting is for logistics or utilitarian purposes only. I would dismiss cute good morning texts as odd and incompatible, especially this early on.

OP, if she said that she would let you know when she's free, set yourself a limit - ie. next weekend Sunday the 4th. If she hasn't gotten back to you by then, I'd move on. It would be a turn off if someone said "I'll let you know when I'm free" and keep the other person hanging. I'm not sure how this reads as interesting or attractive and you might want to reset your picker on what's acceptable or a little too self-absorbed/out with the pixies in another person.  

[Shyguy2021]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

If I've told a man "I'll let you know when I'm free" and he comes back with "When? Now? How about now? When exactly? I'm really interested in you, when can I see you?" I'm going to be put off, not turned on.

I'm not saying that's what you're doing.  But your anxiety is steering the ship and if you're not mindful of this it might cause the exact opposite of what you're trying to accomplish by coming across as pushy or as not paying attention to what she's telling you. Last thing you want is to send a text asking when you can see her and have her reaction be "Holy cow, I already told him I'd let him know when I'm free! Why does he keep asking??"

You didn't answer our questions about what you've been doing with your time over these past few days. Have you been keeping busy doing things and/or spending time with family or friends? Too much time sitting around over analyzing and trying to figure out what your next move should be will result in more anxiety and stagnation. 

I have been staying as busy as possible, exercising, spending time with friends, family time, doing my favorite outside sport, etc I also spoke to my therapist today 

[boltnrun]

10 minutes ago, Shyguy2021 said:

I have been staying as busy as possible, exercising, spending time with friends, family time, doing my favorite outside sport, etc I also spoke to my therapist today 

That's excellent.

What does your therapist recommend? 

[Shyguy2021]

8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

That's excellent.

What does your therapist recommend? 

Focus on myself for a few days, reach out later in the week to catch up that’s it. I’m getting 2 jobs offers this week too so I’m pumped on that 

[boltnrun]

52 minutes ago, Shyguy2021 said:

Focus on myself for a few days, reach out later in the week to catch up that’s it. I’m getting 2 jobs offers this week too so I’m pumped on that 

That's great advice! I wonder why none of us thought of that? LOL

It's good to know the professional agrees with us.

Congrats on the job successes! 

[Shyguy2021]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

That's great advice! I wonder why none of us thought of that? LOL

It's good to know the professional agrees with us.

Congrats on the job successes! 

Well i talked to the therapist about other things too. 
 

the thing that’s striking up my anxiety the most is the fact we have seen each other 4 times I don’t know where we stand and I’m waiting around to hear a date from her. Yes things are going good but waiting around is difficult, I know if I want a chance with this woman I need to man up and relax. But in all seriousness I have been in contact with this girl for 5 weeks. Some people are saying stop texting , some are saying do what you are doing. not being sure is frying my nerves a little bit. And I’m sure someone will say walk away at this point, but I don’t want to give up I’m just having a hard time having faith because this is a new situation for me. 

[Ian4996]

12 minutes ago, Shyguy2021 said:

Some people are saying stop texting , some are saying do what you are doing. not being sure is frying my nerves a little bit. And I’m sure someone will say walk away at this point

Different people will always have different opinions. At the end of the day, you just have to weigh it all up and then make your own decisions.

For what it's worth, I'd agree with the advice of your therapist.

[Cherylyn]

Her non-actions speak louder than words regarding her lack of interest to follow up.  Attraction and enthusiasm has to be in mutual lockstep otherwise your wasting your time and energy. 

Don't pester her because you'll annoy and irritate her which will backfire sorely.

Her passive behavior is your message for her to live her life without you.  Unfortunately, you are placing far too much importance and attention on her than she is for you.  Don't be pitiful and pathetic.  Take the hint and move on. 

You need to be more secure with yourself. 

[maritalbliss86]

1 hour ago, Shyguy2021 said:

Yes things are going good but waiting around is difficult, I know if I want a chance with this woman I need to man up and relax. But in all seriousness I have been in contact with this girl for 5 weeks. Some people are saying stop texting , some are saying do what you are doing. not being sure is frying my nerves a little bit. And I’m sure someone will say walk away at this point, but I don’t want to give up I’m just having a hard time having faith because this is a new situation for me. 

I think you seem to get it 🙂 you seem to understand that this much anxiety about something so small, so simple, isn't good for you long-term.

Dating gets easier as you become more comfortable with yourself.  Like I suggested before, get to understand what it is you really want out of life, and out of a partner.  

You can do it!  Don't worry about the nerves, they really do go away with age and time as you gain more confidence and understand it doesn't matter so much.

 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

The only thing that would hold any interest to me would be an actual date, place and time. Calling and texting is for logistics or utilitarian purposes only. I would dismiss cute good morning texts as odd and incompatible, especially this early on.

OP, if she said that she would let you know when she's free, set yourself a limit - ie. next weekend Sunday the 4th. If she hasn't gotten back to you by then, I'd move on. It would be a turn off if someone said "I'll let you know when I'm free" and keep the other person hanging. I'm not sure how this reads as interesting or attractive and you might want to reset your picker on what's acceptable or a little too self-absorbed/out with the pixies in another person.  

Since she wants the ball in her court I'd move on now in this sense - assume that there will never be a date unless and until she contacts you to set one.  Because that's the reality -there is no next date.  There might be in the future but don't live on might be's -assume that was your last date, be pleasantly "surprised" if she contacts you to confirm a date.

[reinventmyself]

I just had to jump in here.  I've dated men younger than myself and if I liked them the last thing I'd do is put a spotlight on the how big the age difference is.  The opposite.  I wouldn't even go there.  And 2 years is not even worth mentioning.  Can't help think she mentioned it for a reason.

Dating is just that.  A date.  A moment in time and not a marriage proposal.   If you think she isn't picking up on your anxiety, you are mistaken.

You have a lot riding on this 4th date and it obviously holds great meaning for you.  You need to remember that everyone's experience is different and the next date may not hold the same meaning to her.  It's as if everything is at stake here and she probably senses it.

Try to change the way you look at it and it will change your energy.  Live in the moment and try to stop decoding what every nuance means. 

If I really liked a guy after 3 great dates, I would not respond with 'I'll get back to yah'   I would be making time for him. I would consider myself independant and busy.  If I like you, I am not going to risk losing that momentum with you.   If a man said "ill get back to yah' at this point in the course of things, I'd move along.

My guess is it takes her longer to come a conclusion, she's multi dating and weighing her options.  Her prerogative.  But if you need to lock this down to quell your anxiety, she's probably not the one for you. 

 

[boltnrun]

Are you actually enjoying this dating experience?  Or are you white-knuckling it, checking your phone for messages from her and being profoundly disappointed when there isn't one?

It just seems to me like you're a ball of anxiety and fear.  Neither of those things sound fun to me.

[DancingFool]

You know....considering your anxious attachment style personality, why on earth do you think that an independent woman is actually a good match for you? Serious question that I sincerely hope you will answer.

An independent woman isn't going to be your rock or ever make you feel safe in the relationship. Quite the opposite - she'll expect you to stand on your own two feet, be independent yourself, and not rely on her in any way, shape, or form. Given your personality type, this leads exactly to what you are experiencing - intense anxiety and feeling unsettled. What do you actually enjoy about that?

[Shyguy2021]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Since she wants the ball in her court I'd move on now in this sense - assume that there will never be a date unless and until she contacts you to set one.  Because that's the reality -there is no next date.  There might be in the future but don't live on might be's -assume that was your last date, be pleasantly "surprised" if she contacts you to confirm a date.

I’m leaving it be at this point

42 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

I just had to jump in here.  I've dated men younger than myself and if I liked them the last thing I'd do is put a spotlight on the how big the age difference is.  The opposite.  I wouldn't even go there.  And 2 years is not even worth mentioning.  Can't help think she mentioned it for a reason.

Dating is just that.  A date.  A moment in time and not a marriage proposal.   If you think she isn't picking up on your anxiety, you are mistaken.

You have a lot riding on this 4th date and it obviously holds great meaning for you.  You need to remember that everyone's experience is different and the next date may not hold the same meaning to her.  It's as if everything is at stake here and she probably senses it.

Try to change the way you look at it and it will change your energy.  Live in the moment and try to stop decoding what every nuance means. 

If I really liked a guy after 3 great dates, I would not respond with 'I'll get back to yah'   I would be making time for him. I would consider myself independant and busy.  If I like you, I am not going to risk losing that momentum with you.   If a man said "ill get back to yah' at this point in the course of things, I'd move along.

My guess is it takes her longer to come a conclusion, she's multi dating and weighing her options.  Her prerogative.  But if you need to lock this down to quell your anxiety, she's probably not the one for you. 

 

I know we had fun and I treated her like a gentleman. I learned a few things so now I can at least move on, I couldn’t see it before now I do. 

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Are you actually enjoying this dating experience?  Or are you white-knuckling it, checking your phone for messages from her and being profoundly disappointed when there isn't one?

It just seems to me like you're a ball of anxiety and fear.  Neither of those things sound fun to me.

Nope, I would rather have a girl that isn’t playing the field so hard. I know I’m a good person, if she doesn’t like me then that’s on her I’m over it, she had 4 chances. I have been making years of progress over the last 2 months with my depression. Me delusion was part of some of the growing pains with my brain becoming more normal again. I guess this girl was a good motivator for a month. I have done 30 days consist exercise. Dropped 10 pounds, ran 2 miles in 16 minutes today.(started running again 3 months ago, this last month I ran at least 60 miles)  

 

[Shyguy2021]

27 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

You know....considering your anxious attachment style personality, why on earth do you think that an independent woman is actually a good match for you? Serious question that I sincerely hope you will answer.

An independent woman isn't going to be your rock or ever make you feel safe in the relationship. Quite the opposite - she'll expect you to stand on your own two feet, be independent yourself, and not rely on her in any way, shape, or form. Given your personality type, this leads exactly to what you are experiencing - intense anxiety and feeling unsettled. What do you actually enjoy about that?

I’m still growing as a human, I learned my lesson about getting attached now. She made me feel so comfortable so quickly I let my guard down........then proceeded to continue to get to know her over text. 
 

I will never again text except planning dates from here on out. *** that, it’s dopamine addiction on a cell phone when it should be happening In person creating a real connection not artificial attachment from phone notifications

[MissCanuck]

Generally when the other person is interested, you won't be stressing so much about how to keep them interested. 

They will naturallly show you, of their own volition. 

I just don't think it's quite there for her, and her bringing up the "age gap" (which is so minimal it makes practically no difference) was her way of letting you know she wasn't sure about moving forward. 

 

[whiteroses3230]

If you want ideas for how to stay on her mind and build attraction during dates... (I saw you asked this question) 

 

+ inside jokes about the dates you had

+ something funny that happened in your day and then say “just thought you’d enjoy that!” 

+ take a pic on your date. then you can send them to her a few days after your date. 

[Ian4996]

8 hours ago, Shyguy2021 said:

I have done 30 days consist exercise. Dropped 10 pounds, ran 2 miles in 16 minutes today.(started running again 3 months ago, this last month I ran at least 60 miles)  

 

Great job! I'd do those things for yourself though, no need to have a woman as motivation to keep fit and get out and enjoy the fresh air.

[Ian4996]

8 hours ago, Shyguy2021 said:

I will never again text except planning dates from here on out. *** that

But that's an extreme over-reaction. There's a healthy middle ground between text bombardment and 'never texting ever again'!

 

There's been some very good advice given on this thread. Something I've found useful in the past is to take an hour to re-read all the advice a few days later when I'm less 'involved' to really take it all in and figure out which advice would work for me.

[Wiseman2]

You seem to be at odds with yourself on a multitude of areas. Fitness,dating,etc.

Unfortunately all or nothing thinking is a problem.

[Batya33]

I almost never was exclusive after only 4 dates because marriage was my goal -why would I commit to someone I didn't know well and forego opportunities to meet other people? I wasn't playing anything -I had a serious goal and planned accordingly.  

I agree with Reinvent - a woman who is sincerely interested in you whether or not she is also meeting others since it is so soon -would never do the "I'll get back to you" - in my experience I've had dates planned two weeks in advance -time and place -because we were both so busy and one of us or both were going to be out of town. We wanted to make sure to have a plan to see each other in person and not keep things in limbo/tentative