Need help with independent woman

[Shyguy2021]

 

Who can help with a strong independent women I’m talking to

I have been talking to an absolutely beautiful woman for about a month now. We took it slow at first talked for about 10 days then met up. Things went well and she invited me out again a few days later(kissed first time). About a week later we met for a hike again things went good and we kissed for a second time. I didn’t get to see her for 16 days and it was hard to keep the spark spark alive but I pulled it off and had an amazing 4th date with her tonight. 

She has shown mutual interest in me from the beginning and has been honest about what she’s doing now. She has been dating other guys as expected. However I’m losing steam on how to keep getting to know her. She still isn’t letting her guard down much around me and I’m not sure how to keep things exciting now.  She actually said we are strangers still, which yes we are but damn after chatting for a month, which I get but she doesn’t trust me at all

We kissed before she left tonight, but earlier in the night she was a little crossbuzzed and we were talking about some stuff. She’s 2 years older than me and was trying to say how it’s a big difference. I know who I am as a person, love myself(as much as I can I’m still learning) and don’t need anyone else to make me happy. The difference is I actually WANT this girl in my life not need her to be there.  There’s something magnetic about her when we are together. ( she is fiercely independent, doesn’t need a man, relationship only sex kind of girl, and very hardworking) 

I have tried my best to not chase her and I know she wants to probably see me again, anyone know what I should do?  

I feel like the ball is almost in her court I don’t know if I should reach out again, if it’s meant to be right? 

Probably left out a bunch of useful details but few like this is a good start

I don’t want to change her at all, i really can’t find any red flags for her other than she never stops working and I’m trying to make sure she doesn’t walk all over my heart even though I am trying my best to not have expectations

[MissCanuck]

57 minutes ago, Shyguy2021 said:

She’s 2 years older than me and was trying to say how it’s a big difference.

2 years is not a big difference, but this is her round-about way of letting you know that she isn't really on the same page as you and she has doubts. 

I don't think her interest level matches yours, unforunately. Her hesitation is normal in getting to know you, since you've only had 4 dates, but I think if she were as excited about this as you are, you wouldn't be feeling like you're already losing steam. Her interest would be more apparent.  

Is it you doing most of the initiating? What do you mean when you say it was tough to keep the spark going in those intervening days between dates?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Shyguy2021 said:

However I’m losing steam on how to keep getting to know her. She still isn’t letting her guard down much around me and I’m not sure how to keep things exciting now.  

If you are interested,ask her out. If not, don't.

It seems you're playing too many games. The Mr Cool  act is biting you in the butt because while you're "not going to chase her", she's still talking to and meeting others.

Of course she has boundaries after 4 dates. She seems quite interested and responsive, but it's unclear what you are doing.

What is it you want? 

[Shyguy2021]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

2 years is not a big difference, but this is her round-about way of letting you know that she isn't really on the same page as you and she has doubts. 

I don't think her interest level matches yours, unforunately. Her hesitation is normal in getting to know you, since you've only had 4 dates, but I think if she were as excited about this as you are, you wouldn't be feeling like you're already losing steam. Her interest would be more apparent.  

Is it you doing most of the initiating? What do you mean when you say it was tough to keep the spark going in those intervening days between dates?

I’d say I am initiating most the time, I let the texting go a few days Earlier on because she was busy. When I knew I wasnt going to see her for 11-14 days I knew I had to stay on her mind enough to want to see me again, I see know where I should have been more scarce. But my thought is I am going to show interest in someone I want to get to know. She has told me I have been a better date than others. 
 

there’s passion and she likes something about me, I don’t know how to let her know I’m not going to wait around while she samples the whole wine section. Again we haven’t hung out all that much but after seeing someone 4 times you should at least have a guy feeling about someone good or bad. 
 

so should I only text to setup a date now? I think that’s all the energy I have left for this. I want to see how it plays out I think this girl is playing longgame just not sure what her game is 

[Shyguy2021]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you are interested,ask her out. If not, don't.

It seems you're playing too many games. The Mr Cool  act is biting you in the butt because while you're "not going to chase her", she's still talking to and meeting others.

Of course she has boundaries after 4 dates. She seems quite interested and responsive, but it's unclear what you are doing.

What is it you want? 

I want to truly get to know this woman. But I can’t do it texting and never going to happen if I only see her every 2 weeks 

 

should I throw the ball in her court or just hang tight for a bit longer 

[Jibralta]

26 minutes ago, Shyguy2021 said:

I knew I had to stay on her mind enough to want to see me again, I see know where I should have been more scarce. But my thought is I am going to show interest in someone I want to get to know.

I agree with you. In my opinion, you should be persistent (but not a pest). Speaking for myself, I find it attractive when a guy shows consistent interest but is not pushy. Especially in the beginning, when we are just starting to get to know each other. To me, it says that he's confident enough to risk rejection (attractive), and not desperately needing my validation.

Multi-dating can be a tricky thing to manage, because relationships move at different paces, and you want to be respectful of the people you are seeing. When a guy starts trying to push you into seeing him, it's very unappealing. Seriously, what's the rush? 

Don't chase her away by being pushy. Hang out for a while, get to know her. You don't have to lay everything out on the line right now. If you like her, be patient. And don't forget to respect your own boundaries, so that you don't get hurt. Don't forget that she's an option, not the only thing out there (just like you).

 

[MissCanuck]

27 minutes ago, Shyguy2021 said:

there’s passion and she likes something about me, I don’t know how to let her know I’m not going to wait around while she samples the whole wine section. Again we haven’t hung out all that much but after seeing someone 4 times you should at least have a guy feeling about someone good or bad. 

If a woman is truly interested, you generally won't feel compelled to let her know this. 

She would be reciprocating more equally and you would know she was into you. 

I would see if she takes any initiative to get in touch with you and suggest getting together again.

[Shyguy2021]

3 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

If a woman is truly interested, you generally won't feel compelled to let her know this. 

She would be reciprocating more equally and you would know she was into you. 

I would see if she takes any initiative to get in touch with you and suggest getting together again.

should I text her and tell her last night was fun then let it ride for a few days? 
 

or should I wait until she messages first

[Shyguy2021]

10 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I agree with you. In my opinion, you should be persistent (but not a pest). Speaking for myself, I find it attractive when a guy shows consistent interest but is not pushy. Especially in the beginning, when we are just starting to get to know each other. To me, it says that he's confident enough to risk rejection (attractive), and not desperately needing my validation.

Multi-dating can be a tricky thing to manage, because relationships move at different paces, and you want to be respectful of the people you are seeing. When a guy starts trying to push you into seeing him, it's very unappealing. Seriously, what's the rush? 

Don't chase her away by being pushy. Hang out for a while, get to know her. You don't have to lay everything out on the line right now. If you like her, be patient. And don't forget to respect your own boundaries, so that you don't get hurt. Don't forget that she's an option, not the only thing out there (just like you).

 

We currently don’t have a next meeting planned, Should I wait for her to reach out first at this point? 
 

I would have given up already but things have gone really good so far(if all emotions and expectations are stripped away) and I haven’t gotten the run sensation from my gut. There’s just something about this girl that makes me feel different than any other person I have been around. 

[Jibralta]

4 minutes ago, Shyguy2021 said:

Should I wait for her to reach out first at this point?

Wouldn't hurt. If she doesn't reach out in a couple weeks, shoot her a text. It's called leaving an iron in the fire.

Maybe it will come to something, maybe not. But don't blow it out of the water because it doesn't fit some artificial timeline.

And don't let your insecurities get the best of you. Believe me, there's nothing less attractive than a guy with a "you're gonna miss out if you don't jump to it" attitude. Believe me, I won't.

8 minutes ago, Shyguy2021 said:

I haven’t gotten the run sensation from my gut.

Could be that the slow pace hasn't triggered it.

Frankly, I think most relationships are rushed.

[Shyguy2021]

2 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Wouldn't hurt. If she doesn't reach out in a couple weeks, shoot her a text. It's called leaving an iron in the fire.

Maybe it will come to something, maybe not. But don't blow it out of the water because it doesn't fit some artificial timeline.

And don't let your insecurities get the best of you. Believe me, there's nothing less attractive than a guy with a "you're gonna miss out if you don't jump to it" attitude. Believe me, I won't.

Could be that the slow pace hasn't triggered it.

Frankly, I think most relationships are rushed.

I agree that relationships are rushed, I need to completely shed any attachment to an outcome. Things have felt right the whole time, slow but right. I just don’t want to scare her off. Guess I have to wait and see if this is a 2 way street not just one sided 

but you think I should go at least a week no contact? Should I mention I had fun on the date? We were texting a little bit daily checking in and stuff like that, I would flirt when I had the opportunity but don’t go out the way to just flirt I let it come up when the time is right 

[Jibralta]

Just now, Shyguy2021 said:

but you think I should go at least a week no contact? Should I mention I had fun on the date?

Might help you to clear your mind a bit! I'm sure she already knows that you had fun on the date. No need to state the obvious, or to be overly-polite.

[Shyguy2021]

8 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Might help you to clear your mind a bit! I'm sure she already knows that you had fun on the date. No need to state the obvious, or to be overly-polite.

This whole not having the lead on where things are going is the hardest part right now, I feel like I have been put through some “tests” and I passed them it’s just now  I have to wait for her attention.

she reached out first the second time we saw each other, I think that’s the first and only time she texted first. Texting over time has been good until the last day or 2, I fixed that during the date planning. I guess I’m going to throw it to the universe and let her come to me if that’s what she desires. I just hate the idea of fading away but I see how ultimately it’s up to her interest level 

[Cherylyn]

Take it slow.

I can somewhat relate because I'm very financially independent as my mother taught me to be.

Don't be desperate.  You should be cool without being perceived as insecure. 

Act natural.  Don't hound and constantly pester her with texts. 

Follow her cue.  If she's very busy, you should get busy with your own life.  If she's interested in you, she will show interest.  Right now she's playing the field and not serious about anyone including you. 

She has every right to remain cautious and treat you as if you're a stranger after only 4 dates.  Lower your expectations and you won't feel disappointed.

Get to know her better after several more dates and give it time.  Be patient.  After several months, if she continues to be nonchalant regarding you, there is your answer. 

[Shyguy2021]

29 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Take it slow.

I can somewhat relate because I'm very financially independent as my mother taught me to be.

Don't be desperate.  You should be cool without being perceived as insecure. 

Act natural.  Don't hound and constantly pester her with texts. 

Follow her cue.  If she's very busy, you should get busy with your own life.  If she's interested in you, she will show interest.  Right now she's playing the field and not serious about anyone including you. 

She has every right to remain cautious and treat you as if you're a stranger after only 4 dates.  Lower your expectations and you won't feel disappointed.

Get to know her better after several more dates and give it time.  Be patient.  After several months, if she continues to be nonchalant regarding you, there is your answer. 

So would you recommend not texting her at all until she initiates contact? our conversations were a little ahead of stuff but I’d say 10 sent texts a day, because like you said after 4 dates we are still getting to know each other. I’m really only feeling texting to setup a date at this point, I’m not going to text her just to be on her mind. If she wants me to make her smile it’s going to be done in person for now on. 

[Cherylyn]

29 minutes ago, Shyguy2021 said:

So would you recommend not texting her at all until she initiates contact? our conversations were a little ahead of stuff but I’d say 10 sent texts a day, because like you said after 4 dates we are still getting to know each other. I’m really only feeling texting to setup a date at this point, I’m not going to text her just to be on her mind. If she wants me to make her smile it’s going to be done in person for now on. 

I would wait a few weeks.  Then shoot her a very brief text.  If she continues to be aloof towards you, she's not enthusiastic about you. 

Wait until you see her in person as you say.  If you sense she has no intentions of taking serious interest in you,  take the hint and get her message. 

Feelings should be mutual.  Since it's not mutual, don't bother. 

[Andrina]

What do you mean she doesn't trust you? What did she say? Why was she too busy to see you for two weeks? What was that conversation like? If you texted her and asked her on a date, and she said I have plans that day, did she suggest another date, or did you try again the following week and then she accepted?

I always think the ball's in the other person's court if you asked and she didn't give you an alternate date, then you don't ask again. She needs to show her interest by asking you out when she finds herself free.

Speaking for myself, I always made sure to put in equal effort when I was interested in a guy.

Sure, give things more time, but if you're regularly frustrated, it means you're not a good match, no matter how pretty and fun she is. There are other pretty and fun single women around who will make it crystal clear how into you they are, and who match how you like to date.

[Shyguy2021]

6 minutes ago, Andrina said:

What do you mean she doesn't trust you? What did she say? Why was she too busy to see you for two weeks? What was that conversation like? If you texted her and asked her on a date, and she said I have plans that day, did she suggest another date, or did you try again the following week and then she accepted?

I always think the ball's in the other person's court if you asked and she didn't give you an alternate date, then you don't ask again. She needs to show her interest by asking you out when she finds herself free.

 

The trust thing came up because she’s still sending her location and stuff to friends/ my license plate.I made a joke about us having been talking for a month you have to know me better than that by now. I get it she’s being careful I know she has dealt with some crazy *** in the past. But I feel like I still haven’t gotten past her personal barriers and gotten to know the real woman behind the armor. And I think it’s because she spread herself out dating wise
 

for the 2 weeks, she told me she was busy for 2 weeks simple as that. She works full time, an extra job planning for a business and is doing home renovations, and dating other people. When we started talking she made it clear she is very busy so I haven’t pushed it. When I didn’t get to see her on the planned date I asked 2 days later and a new date was set. 

this is the most mutual feeling run I have ever had with a quality woman, she has put in effort. But now I need to see if it’s sustained. I honestly don’t even know where we stand at the moment, there is not a next date planned yet. But we kissed before she left earlier sooo I mean I’m trying to play it cool 

[DancingFool]

51 minutes ago, Shyguy2021 said:

The trust thing came up because she’s still sending her location and stuff to friends/ my license plate.I made a joke about us having been talking for a month you have to know me better than that by now. I get it she’s being careful I know she has dealt with some crazy *** in the past. But I feel like I still haven’t gotten past her personal barriers and gotten to know the real woman behind the armor. And I think it’s because she spread herself out dating wise
 

 

 

You describe her as strong and independent, but this ^ is the behavior of an insecure woman who doesn't trust her own judgment and has some major unresolved baggage about her past decisions. Essentially a damsel in distress.

Independent women have healthy boundaries but do not put up walls you need to break down. Also, you will not be confused about her level of interest. Quite the opposite, you'll be clear about where you stand and confident in that. In this case, you are confused, because she is wishy washy and jittery within herself. Sounds a lot like she is hot on and then off and disappearing without explanation.

Ultimately, understand that what you see is what you actually get. While it may seem like some mystery behind her so called armor that's making this situation alluring to you, this isn't quite what healthy looks like and definitely not what an independent secure woman behaves like at all.

[Rose Mosse]

My interpretation is that she's not interested. She's using you as an ego-stroke but nothing else. Someone who is interested in dating you will express some level of enthusiasm that helps things run a bit more smoothly. 

You can try to reach out and see how it goes for another couple of weeks but if it's not reciprocated or something is missing, you'll be confused as you are now and feeling frustrated. Trust your instincts.

[Shyguy2021]

8 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

My interpretation is that she's not interested. She's using you as an ego-stroke but nothing else. Someone who is interested in dating you will express some level of enthusiasm that helps things run a bit more smoothly. 

You can try to reach out and see how it goes for another couple of weeks but if it's not reciprocated or something is missing, you'll be confused as you are now and feeling frustrated. Trust your instincts.

How can I act going forward as to not stroke her ego? I noticed a lot of her identity is being independent, my whole angle on it is I’m independent too but want someone to spend quality time and be present with when we both have an opening in our schedule 

[smackie9]

if you fear scaring her away, then that just says she's was never really that into you and you know it. IMO things should just flow, no doubting, or worries. You shouldn't have to stand on your head or act like you are trying to solve a difficult puzzle. What she is doing is BS. If you can't be yourself, and feel you are being %^&* tested then what's the point? This is becoming an unpleasant experience.

[Rose Mosse]

11 minutes ago, Shyguy2021 said:

How can I act going forward as to not stroke her ego? I noticed a lot of her identity is being independent, my whole angle on it is I’m independent too but want someone to spend quality time and be present with when we both have an opening in our schedule 

Be yourself. Do what you enjoy doing. Spend more time with your family and friends. I think you like her quite a lot and that's a good sign. You're open to having someone in your life and seeking reciprocity too in meaningful relationships. She may not be on the same page as you. Almost there, not quite there. Or, not seeking the same things. 

If you really do need to find out for sure ask her if she'd be interested in seeing you again and in that date or meeting, ask her what she sees for herself in the short term or long term. I normally don't ask people what they're looking for in relationships. I ask broad questions about what they're working on or where they see themselves etc. You can get a fairly good idea about what that person is about - their beliefs, future goals, hopes are for the future. 

You mentioned she's independent a few times and a man or a partner might not factor in there to the level that you're looking for in a long term relationship.

 

[boltnrun]

I would let her know "I had a great time last night! It was hilarious when/wasn't it crazy when/wasn't the food amazing? (Insert whatever applies here). I'd love to see you again. Are you available for a date anytime soon?" Then let her respond. Ball in her court sort of thing.

[Batya33]

I bet she senses you see her as a 'strong independent woman" -if she were a man with those qualities would you use those adjectives? Or just "a man" - I bet she senses you feel a bit intimidated/insecure and this is a turn off for her.  Why is "needing a man" and "independent" inconsistent -why can't she need to have someone in her life - or want to have someone in her life while also being a person who thinks for herself and is assertive? I'm asking because I bet she's getting these vibes from you that you are putting her on a pedestal and not just seeing her as a person with certain qualities but because of what she looks like and her gender she's all of a sudden some exotic, unusual creature.