Need help with independent woman

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Shyguy2021 said:

 I still haven’t gotten past her personal barriers and gotten to know the real woman behind the armor.

What, specifically, are you referring to? Physical? 

Sadly it sounds like you've been reading a lot of manosphere/pickup artist material, with "barriers", "armor" etc. As well as playing Mr. cool games.

The bottom line? If she is interested it doesn't matter what you do or don't do. If she is not interested it doesn't matter what you do or don't do.

Either she's attracted/into you... or not. So wringing your hands over how you're going to play this is a complete waste of time.

[tattoobunnie]

9 hours ago, Shyguy2021 said:

I have been talking to an absolutely beautiful woman for about a month now.

I am not sure what you are expecting.  It's only been a month.  You should really still be courting her, taking her on dates for a few months.  And if you are referring to sex, and not getting after a month, pick a different woman. This one has morals.

[maritalbliss86]

4 hours ago, Shyguy2021 said:

but I’d say 10 sent texts a day, because like you said after 4 dates we are still getting to know each other. I’m really only feeling texting to setup a date at this point, I’m not going to text her just to be on her mind. If she wants me to make her smile it’s going to be done in person for now on.

I think you were giving her too much attention unfortunately.  Some women are turned off by that, as it can seem desperate 😕.  Cherlyn's advice was perfect!  Follow her cue, but text to set up dates if you want.  If she continues to be this standoffish a couple of months in, there's no attraction on her part and you need to cut it off for your own benefit.

[Jibralta]

  

3 hours ago, Shyguy2021 said:

The trust thing came up because she’s still sending her location and stuff to friends/ my license plate.I made a joke about us having been talking for a month you have to know me better than that by now. I get it she’s being careful I know she has dealt with some crazy *** in the past.

I always did that when I was online dating. I don't think it's a 'trust issue' in the sense that she's emotionally scarred. It's just a grim fact of life that you have to be careful if you're a woman. If I listed all of the situations I've been in with creepoids--through no fault of my own--I'm sure you'd be appalled. Better safe than sorry. 

As for the speed of things... I get that you like her, but I think you should really slow your roll. She's not going to evaporate off the face of the earth. She's got things going on in her life, including the fact that she's seeing other people. Do you expect her to just drop everybody like a hot potato just because you like her? Would you want her to do that to you? 

[maritalbliss86]

2 hours ago, Shyguy2021 said:

How can I act going forward as to not stroke her ego? 

By not sending her 10 texts per day 😂  Sometimes less is more 😉 and you don't want to come across as desperate for her attention and for her to like you.

Quote

I noticed a lot of her identity is being independent, my whole angle on it is I’m independent too but want someone to spend quality time and be present with when we both have an opening in our schedule 

Even an independent (which I think you really mean, "confident?") woman will want to be around someone she values.  She's sending you the signal she's not valuing your time and attention.  Some of that may be your own self-sabotage of sending too many texts.  It's ok, you're learning and this is hard.  Too much is unattractive, but not enough is also bad.

[Shyguy2021]

22 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

By not sending her 10 texts per day 😂  Sometimes less is more 😉 and you don't want to come across as desperate for her attention and for her to like you.

Even an independent (which I think you really mean, "confident?") woman will want to be around someone she values.  She's sending you the signal she's not valuing your time and attention.  Some of that may be your own self-sabotage of sending too many texts.  It's ok, you're learning and this is hard.  Too much is unattractive, but not enough is also bad.

So should I tell her I had fun last night let’s do it again when were both free ? 
 

or not say anything now and wait to see if she contacts me? 

[maritalbliss86]

4 minutes ago, Shyguy2021 said:

or not say anything now and wait to see if she contacts me? 

Well, it's up to you....  If she's basically not replied in the past that much and you want to see where you are in her priorities... test the waters and see what happens if you just stay silent.

You can learn a lot in silence.  But texting that would be fine, too.  But then after that that text, I wouldn't start up a conversation again until she's interested.

[maritalbliss86]

Think about what you actually want out of life, out of a relationship.

I would think a man would want a woman who loves talking to him, spending time with him, really interested in him.  All of that translates into energy, and it becomes sexual energy when it's a romantic relationship.  It's the basis for a great, romantic love story.  You really don't' need to settle for less... life is already complicated and hard, why not pick a woman who actually wants to be with you, and shows it.  Having a girlfriend/wife like that makes life so much more enjoyable.

If you find a woman who really wants to be with you, she'll be passionate about talking with you on and off, and you won't have to worry so much if she's interested or not, you'll feel her interest and it feels wonderful.

[tattoobunnie]

37 minutes ago, Shyguy2021 said:

So should I tell her I had fun last night let’s do it again when were both free ? 
 

or not say anything now and wait to see if she contacts me? 

Just ask her, hey, I really had a lot of fun last night. I'd like to see you again. When are you free next?

Saying, "when we're both free..." is too ambiguous because you don't share when you are free, and doesn't really give her any idea you may like her - sounds more like you are scared of rejection.

Playing games doesn't work, so why would you do nothing if you want to see her again?  Stop testing her. Give her a call, and ask her out.  K-I-S-S it - Keep it simple, "Stupid" (I'm not calling you stupid - it's a phrase my mentor taught me when trying to avoid making things too complicated.  Be genuine. Be honest. Always treat her like a friend, and no need for so many expectations in the getting to know you phase.  She shouldn't have to feel obligated to have sex with you for months. Generally, people who need validation through sex do it right away.

[Shyguy2021]

2 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

Just ask her, hey, I really had a lot of fun last night. I'd like to see you again. When are you free next?

Saying, "when we're both free..." is too ambiguous because you don't share when you are free, and doesn't really give her any idea you may like her - sounds more like you are scared of rejection.

Playing games doesn't work, so why would you do nothing if you want to see her again?  Stop testing her. Give her a call, and ask her out.  K-I-S-S it - Keep it simple, "Stupid" (I'm not calling you stupid - it's a phrase my mentor taught me when trying to avoid making things too complicated.  Be genuine. Be honest. Always treat her like a friend, and no need for so many expectations in the getting to know you phase.  She shouldn't have to feel obligated to have sex with you for months. Generally, people who need validation through sex do it right away.

My dumba$$ just sent something along the lines of had a great time let’s do it again when our schedules allow I’m about to fade to black in this one and move on. Thank you for the awesome advice though. 

[maritalbliss86]

5 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

K-I-S-S it - Keep it simple, "Stupid" (I'm not calling you stupid - it's a phrase my mentor taught me when trying to avoid making things too complicated.

Yes, that's always a good phrase!

[Cherylyn]

She's being very honest with you.  She's very busy and not interested in investing time, energy and money into a relationship with you.  You need to follow her cue by backing off.  I admire her honesty.  At least she's not deceitful and what you see is what you get.  At least she is not insincere.  I've known plenty of people who pretend to take interest in you yet they have no intentions whatsoever when it comes to nurturing, cultivating and maintaining a relationship or friendship.

Don't pursue her because you like her more than she likes you.  This is already unbalanced and lopsided so you're not off to good start. 

With all due respect, get a life and become immersed in your own life.  Don't be obsessed over this woman who doesn't share mutual feelings.  Don't consume yourself with a woman who is a waste of your time and energy.

[SooSad33]

20 hours ago, Shyguy2021 said:

She actually said we are strangers still, which yes we are but damn after chatting for a month, which I get but she doesn’t trust me at all

We kissed before she left tonight, but earlier in the night she was a little crossbuzzed and we were talking about some stuff. She’s 2 years older than me and was trying to say how it’s a big difference.

She doesn't trust you?  How so..?  You're just getting to know each other.. kinda.

As mentioned, 2 yrs is not a big difference.

What her age?

I'd give her another week or so.. I hope she is also doing some of the contacting, not you. ( I gather she works a lot and seeing others, so meeting up will be scarce.

[MissCanuck]

I don't think this has anything to do with her being independent or having "armour."

I think she's simply not as interested as you are, unfortunately. 

[whiteroses3230]

I think you’re just crushing a little harder than her but she’s obviously still interested. Keep your pace, keep asking her out and showing investment. I’m like her. I go slow at first and I like a man to show investment and be persistent and consistent. Don’t ask her to be exclusive till 6-10 dates. I’d say 8 is ideal. If you make it there you should be golden. And I would start light...”hey so I’m obviously feeling this. I’m enjoying getting to know you and I’d like to see where this connection could lead. And I’d like to focus on just you and see where this could go. What do you think?”

[Jibralta]

4 hours ago, whiteroses3230 said:

I go slow at first and I like a man to show investment and be persistent and consistent.

Same here. I am slow as hell. First of all, you get to know people a lot better that way. Secondly, it's a great filter. Takes a lot of worry and aggravation off of my plate.

[Shyguy2021]

5 hours ago, whiteroses3230 said:

I think you’re just crushing a little harder than her but she’s obviously still interested. Keep your pace, keep asking her out and showing investment. I’m like her. I go slow at first and I like a man to show investment and be persistent and consistent. Don’t ask her to be exclusive till 6-10 dates. I’d say 8 is ideal. If you make it there you should be golden. And I would start light...”hey so I’m obviously feeling this. I’m enjoying getting to know you and I’d like to see where this connection could lead. And I’d like to focus on just you and see where this could go. What do you think?”

At this point I would like to see her once a week-10 days , not sure I can wait 2+ weeks again. I’m essentially only going to text her now to setup dates. She told me yesterday she would let me know when she’s free and would let me know for next date. Would it be out of line or pushy to message her Monday or Tuesday with an idea for a date later in the week. I’m trying to respect her schedule but I’m a man I’m going to peruse but not chase her. 
 

I want to reduce the amount of texting, we have been communicating for a month she knows why I’m here. And that’s to setup dates and make memories when we go out 

[lostandhurt]

I have a novel idea.  Why don't you call her?  You know that green button on your phone when pushed dials the number???

She is busy and has other guys she is dating right?  They are all in the same boat you are so why not be different?

The text you sent was fine.  I would have sent "I really had a great time on our date, I am looking forward to seeing you again so we can get to know each other better"  What you sent is more than fine.

I wouldn't play the see who blinks first game with texting because it is a game.  Now if you were busy dating and talking to other women and didn't have time then that would be okay but games are for kids.

  Be different from the crowd.  If you know her schedule then give her a call when you know she should be free and see if she picks up.  If she does simply tell her you know she gets busy with work so you wanted to give her a call to get to know her better instead of waiting to see her in person again.  If she doesn't pick up leave this message.  "Hi _______, Looks like I missed you, I will try back when I get the chance"   Don't tell her to call back when she has time or anything like that just leave the message I suggested.  It does two things. 1. It keeps you from waiting around for her call and 2. If she is interested she will call back unprompted.  Talking on the phone seems to have fallen out of favor because people like to hide behind texting.  The problem is there is to much guessing going on with texting.  How long between replies?, what did he/she mean by that? what time the text was sent? and on and on.

Be brave and give her a call.

Lost

[Shyguy2021]

18 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

I have a novel idea.  Why don't you call her?  You know that green button on your phone when pushed dials the number???

She is busy and has other guys she is dating right?  They are all in the same boat you are so why not be different?

The text you sent was fine.  I would have sent "I really had a great time on our date, I am looking forward to seeing you again so we can get to know each other better"  What you sent is more than fine.

I wouldn't play the see who blinks first game with texting because it is a game.  Now if you were busy dating and talking to other women and didn't have time then that would be okay but games are for kids.

  Be different from the crowd.  If you know her schedule then give her a call when you know she should be free and see if she picks up.  If she does simply tell her you know she gets busy with work so you wanted to give her a call to get to know her better instead of waiting to see her in person again.  If she doesn't pick up leave this message.  "Hi _______, Looks like I missed you, I will try back when I get the chance"   Don't tell her to call back when she has time or anything like that just leave the message I suggested.  It does two things. 1. It keeps you from waiting around for her call and 2. If she is interested she will call back unprompted.  Talking on the phone seems to have fallen out of favor because people like to hide behind texting.  The problem is there is to much guessing going on with texting.  How long between replies?, what did he/she mean by that? what time the text was sent? and on and on.

Be brave and give her a call.

Lost

Awesome idea, I’ll call her on Tuesday after work. Ill keep it short and sweet. 
 

for everyone saying she isn’t that interested, our last kiss tells me otherwise. I think she is just playing the field and making friends right now. Our vibe when we are together is awesome, take out all the text bs, when we are together it’s just us 2 smiling and laughing our butts off 

[boltnrun]

I agree, @lostandhurt. People often use text because they think it's less painful to be rejected by words on a screen than a voice over the phone or in person.

She said she'd let you know when she's free for a date. That means she'll let you know. It doesn't mean text her again to ask. 

But you can still call to say hello and talk about how your week is going.

[Shyguy2021]

20 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I agree, @lostandhurt. People often use text because they think it's less painful to be rejected by words on a screen than a voice over the phone or in person.

She said she'd let you know when she's free for a date. That means she'll let you know. It doesn't mean text her again to ask. 

But you can still call to say hello and talk about how your week is going.

Ok I guess I’ll just call to check in, can I frame the question hey I’m going to check out “this activity”  later in the week care to join? 

[boltnrun]

Just now, Shyguy2021 said:

Ok I guess I’ll just call to check in, can I frame the question hey I’m going to check out “this activity”  later in the week care to join? 

That's asking her out. Didn't she say she'd let you know when she's available for a date?

Why are you so overeager? Can you relax and go with the pace or do you want a relationship right now?

[Shyguy2021]

Just now, boltnrun said:

That's asking her out. Didn't she say she'd let you know when she's available for a date?

Why are you so overeager? Can you relax and go with the pace or do you want a relationship right now?

I’m trying to play it cool and go slow I just really enjoy spending time with her. 

i know shes either interested or not i can’t change that at this point, don’t want to be pushy but want to let her know I want to go do fun stuff with her.

I do need to just let it play out, but again the heart makes you do crazy things. 

 

[boltnrun]

5 minutes ago, Shyguy2021 said:

I’m trying to play it cool and go slow I just really enjoy spending time with her. 

i know shes either interested or not i can’t change that at this point, don’t want to be pushy but want to let her know I want to go do fun stuff with her.

I do need to just let it play out, but again the heart makes you do crazy things. 

 

She knows you want to date her.

And no, your heart doesn't "make" you do anything. It's your anxiety and uncertainty that are causing you to try to lock her down.

And since you mentioned "heart", do you believe you already have feelings for her? Do you think the fact that she's so elusive is adding to her allure?

[Shyguy2021]

6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

She knows you want to date her.

And no, your heart doesn't "make" you do anything. It's your anxiety and uncertainty that are causing you to try to lock her down.

And since you mentioned "heart", do you believe you already have feelings for her? Do you think the fact that she's so elusive is adding to her allure?

You are right my anxiety plays into it slightly because anxiety makes you look into how things are going to play out and you want to control the outcomes. And the elusiveness is adding, she possesses quite a few qualities I’m looking for in a woman. 

my mind set is I really enjoy our time together. I’m not going to hope for a future with her, just hope to become better friends and spend time having fun while dating