Ghosted after 6 months! What is going on, what do I do?

[jcboost54]

So I'll start off with a warning lol. This is going to be a long post but I want to give context to the situation/relationship to hopefully help with the responses. This is my first time posting here or on any kind of forums like this for that matter and usually I don't stress over stuff like this but this situation is different and I'm just looking for some advice and opinions on what might be going on here so I want to thank everyone in advance who takes the time to read this and respond. 

I'm 34 and my girlfriend is 32. We live an hour apart from each other. It's a little distance but nothing major. I've been very good to her, she's told me on multiple occasions about how she loves how I treat her and doesn't see how I could be any more perfect. She's often talked about how it blew her mind how well we've connected since the start. How the first time we met in person and went out she felt so comfortable around me right away, how it wasn't awkward at all like it usually is when she would go out with someone for the first time and how we always have such a great time together. I've treated her differently than I have anyone else. It's just all seemed so much different (better) than any of my past relationships. I've seen her pretty much every weekend since we met and when I'm on day shift at work we would go have dinner in the evenings sometimes after I got off work. We've had a great relationship. We've had a great connection since we first met. We have a lot in common, same values, interests, etc. We've never had a fight or an argument, and as stated we always have a great time together.  We've been seeing each other for almost 6 months and have been "official" for about 3 of those months. She was actually the one who asked me to make it official the night that we did. She's a lot different than most of the girls I've dated and been involved with. I can tell she respects herself and her children l. She waited several months before she brought me around her kids (she has 2). Most girls I've been with that have kids either didn't wait at all or it was maybe a week or two before I was around them. She's said she's getting too old to be wasting time if she doesn't think it will go anywhere and I agree and respect that. It was several months until she had me over to her house and several months until we had sex the first (and only) time. Call me crazy but I have actually liked this about her. To me I feel that's the type of person I can trust and build something with for real. I don't mind waiting on stuff like that if it feels real, and it did. 

So around the beginning of December was the first night she had me over to her house and is when we had sex. After we had sex she kind of laughed and said "well, that wasn't supposed to happen yet. I wanted to wait until you fell madly in love with me". I replied with "well I've been good and very patient" and she said "yes you have!" I figured we would be intimate more regularly from here on out but I was wrong and even then I never pressured or pushed anything as I was sure that would only drive her away. I went out with her and her daughter a week or two later and ended up staying that night. No sex, I just spent the night. A couple of weeks later she said she wanted to talk to me about something and asked if I had a problem with holding off on staying the night while the kids were there until I got to know them better. Apparently her daughter (9 years old) was asking questions about "boys staying with girls". Of course, I had no issue with this at all and respected that 100%. She responded saying "thank you for respecting that, seriously could you be any more perfect?!?!"

One of those two nights I had stayed over she woke up to some messages from her ex (they have been split up for around a year or a little less). Now, her ex was a real POS. He cheated who knows how many times, she said he compulsively lies about everything and for no reason, is a narcissist, etc. (She's been treated badly and cheated on by others as well and has said even when she's been cheated on she's never done it in return and says someone should just break up with the other person if they are going to cheat). Anyways, she showed me the conversion and basically he was saying he knew of someone who as going to try to "break us up" but that he had defended her and just wanted to give a heads up, blah blah blah. She responded telling him no one was going to break us up, that we had a great relationship and trust each other and I have full access to her phone. That I'm not needy, clingy or controlling, etc. I already knew when she was reading the message there was no one else trying to do anything. This guy was just being the liar that he is and making *** up. She also said it had to be him making it up as well. 

Fast forward a few weeks later to Christmas which is when things started seeming odd to me. I didn't get to see her on Christmas day because of snow but saw her that next day (Saturday). I was coming up to meet her for dinner and I asked if she wanted me to stay. She said some of her family was in from out of town (she had talked about them before) and she hadn't seen them in a while and was supposed to go see them that evening. It was disappointing for me but okay, no big deal. She's going to spend time with family. That following day, Sunday, I got a FB notification that said she had "changed our anniversary date". At the time I didn't know what that meant and it caught me off guard I called her and asked her about it and she said she had changed the privacy settings of our relationship to "friends only" because she usually has things private on her page. Now she is, for the most part, private with her social media in general and I don't worry and freak out over stuff like this but it did strike me as odd. I'm thinking, what prompted her all of the sudden to think about that and then go change it. Keep in mind she's not friends with her ex on FB. 

Since then I have seen her each weekend as usual but I have not stayed the night again. Everything else has been normal but I have gotten the feeling/impression that she has been avoiding me staying the night, in fact, I'm pretty sure she lied to me one night to avoid it. This is now the first or second weekend of January. Her daughter was at her dads for the weekend (she goes every other weekend). I met my girlfriend for dinner and she claimed the girls father had to go into work so she was going to have to go pick her up after we ate. I was suspicious of it and then about 45 minutes after I left (I live and hour away) she texts and tells me that he called in so she wasn't getting her after all. She said she was going to stop by her cousins for a few then go home. She said her phone battery was low and if it died she would text me ASAP. I found this and the timing odd so I told a little fib myself to see how she would respond. I told her that I had to stop by Walmart on the way home and wasn't that far down the road so I could turn around and be back in her area in about 20 minutes. She responded with "maybe another night babe, I'm already almost to my cousins". So now my radar is really up. I told her to just give me a call when she left her cousins. She ended up only being there for about 30 minutes and text me while there, then called once she left. When she got home she said she was going to get settled in and she'd call me back. It was 15 to 20 minutes or so later and she called right back and we were on the phone talking for over an hour. It was after midnight at this point, probably close to 1:00 when we hung up so even though things got really suspicious, I don't believe anything shady happened that night...she was just avoiding me staying the night. I think. 

There is a restaurant she has been wanting to go to which coincidentally is one of my moms favorite places so we all planned on going for hers and my sisters birthday which were only a few days apart at the beginning of January. This would be her first time meeting my family (I met her mother once). This was three weeks ago Saturday. Long story short we both ended up being up really late the night before, I had like 3 hours of sleep and the restaurant was almost 2 hours away so we changed plans for the following weekend. I met her for dinner instead that night and that's the night when the situation happened about her saying she had to get her daughter and then didn't. The next weekend rolls around and it snows again. I decided to reschedule again for the following week but went up and had lunch with her. I gave her the birthday gifts that I had gotten for her and told her I loved her for the first time. She smiled and kissed me but didn't say it back which was fine, I wasn't sure what her response would be but I thought I would include that. After lunch, we got back to her driveway and again instead of wanting me to stay she said she had to go pick up her daughter from a friends (which I know she did) and is fine but she didn't offer for me to hang around for the day. 

This now leads us to last week. On Tuesday night she text and said she had some bad news so I called her on my break. She had a doctor appointment that day and had to miss work. She has a lot of bills she needs to pay right now (just paid a $400 electric bill!) and her check was already not going to be great from missing that day so she was planning to work over the weekend. She works from home and they pay them $2/hr more if they work on the weekend. Again, I had no problem with that. I'm not going to stand in the way of that but she didn't say anything about me coming to see her once she was done like she normally would. So I said how about I come up Saturday evening and we'll get dinner and she agreed. The following day was normal but Thursday and Friday are when things really took a turn. She became really distant all of the sudden. Her texts were very short and emotionless (not like she normally is, I could tell a difference). I called her on my break Thursday night and she didn't talk long or say much at all (she's a talker lol so she normally talks about all kinds of things). The next morning still the same. I'm on night shift right now so I woke up around 7pm Friday evening. I text her a little after I woke up and she was still very short. The last I heard from her was 10:00pm last Friday. She didn't respond to my last text so I decided to go NC until she responded and give her some space considering how she had been acting. Well, I haven't heard anything at all from her since. 

Sunday night I got a FB notification that said she had "removed our anniversary date". I looked under her about info and it still shows us "in a relationship" so I did a google search to see what that was and it turns out she didn't remove it completely, she just changed the privacy setting again. This time she set it to "only me" so apparently only she and I are able to see it. I waited until the next morning (Monday morning) and sent a screen shot of it and said "I'm confused". She still hasn't said a word. No explanation. Nothing. 

What the hell is going on? I never in a million years would have thought she would do something like this and not say a word to me about it. This is completely out of character for her. She has told me before that she hates fighting and confrontation but she won't get either of those from me and she should know that by now. I find it hard to believe that these 6 months were an act on her part. If so, she really missed her calling in Hollywood. Why would she change our relationship status settings to "only me" and not just remove it all together? Or remove me from FB? I know it's all just guesses but what do you all think? This is crazy. I've never experienced something like this even from the most immature girls that I have been with. After a few weeks or a couple of months I could see someone doing this but after 6 months? My suspicion is that shes been talking to/seeing her ex again, maybe...but why wouldn't she break it off and take me out of the picture completely? If she's seeing him (or someone else) why not end it and not risk me showing up (which I wouldn't do anyways) while she might be with them. It just seems awful risky to not end things if she's involved with someone else. On the other hand I think maybe she got sacred or had second thoughts for some reason but why not talk to me? I just didn't see this coming. Part of me thinks that she's waiting for me to lose my cool and spaz out or something (which I won't do) to justify it on her part or waiting for me to just remove our relationship myself. I've gone back and forth on what to do and as of right now I've decided to do nothing and say nothing. If she's hoping I will just end it like that then I'll make her do it and unless she contacts me I won't say a word which will force her to make a move of some kind. 

Again, sorry for the length but this is just a really odd (for me anyways) situation and I wanted to include as much detail as possible. I think it also helps to just get it out. Any time a relationship has ended I accept it and move on. I don't cry and beg or try to talk anyone out of it and I certainly won't in this situation I just wanted to get some thoughts and advice on this. This one really stings. It hurts. If she had just communicated she wanted space or to break up or whatever I would have told her I don't like it but I respect her decision and if she changes her mind at some point to let me know and I then would move on but this just doesn't make any sense and I've had my fair share of experiences. What do you all think and should I do something different than what I'm currently doing (nothing lol)? People tell me that she will reach out eventually one way or another but I don't know. Thanks all. 

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, jcboost54 said:

I'm 34 and my girlfriend is 32. We live an hour apart from each other.  We've been seeing each other for almost 6 months

Since then I have seen her each weekend as usual but I have not stayed the night again. .  I went out with her and her daughter a week or two later and ended up staying that night. No sex, I just spent the night. A couple of weeks later she said she wanted to talk to me about something and asked if I had a problem with holding off on staying the night while the kids were there until I got to know them better. Apparently her daughter (9 years old) was asking questions about "boys staying with girls". 

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately she has a lot of unfinished business with her ex and her values about her children and having sex in her home are different than yours. It sounds like she is rightly concerned and regrets too much too soon regarding her kids.

 Dating 24 weeks is a good time to notice these incompatibilities and cut your losses. It may be best to date women who are childless, and don't have the type of constraints you don't want.

[jcboost54]

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately she has a lot of unfinished business with her ex and her values about her children and having sex in her home are different than yours. It sounds like she is rightly concerned and regrets too much too soon regarding her kids.

 Dating 24 weeks is a good time to notice these incompatibilities and cut your losses. It may be best to date women who are childless, and don't have the type of constraints you don't want.

Thank you for the response. Actually I had no issue with the sex situation. I actually appreciated it and respect it. The fact that she didn't just bring me around her kids until she got to know me and she didn't jump right in bed with me were positives for me. That is the type of person I would want to build something with. I never once pressured her about sex or anything else. I did talk to her one night and let her know that just because she has me stay over doesn't mean that I am expecting sex. I completely respected her wished and I think she knew that. I'm just confused as to why she would suddenly disappear without saying anything at all, without officially breaking it off, etc. It's just so out of character for her I can't wrap my head around it. I agree that she may have regretted doing some things sooner than she had planned but why not just talk to me about it? I had proven at this point that I was patient and willing to wait for whatever. I just don't understand the whole ghosting thing and hiding (not completely removing) our relationship from FB. 

[Andrina]

It's frustrating trying to figure someone out. Better to face the fact that you can never fully know what goes on in another's head, and that people can and do act very differently than you in the same situation.

You can look at the facts about her. She engaged in discussions with an ex that had nothing to do with shared child-responsibilities. I know I'd never be involved with someone who retained a connection that had nothing to do with co-parenting.

And her ghosting after half a year is cowardly and cruel. So apparently that side of her took time to be revealed. Perhaps seeing those negative parts of her will help you to move on more quickly.

Sounds like you were the one to always do the traveling. In the future, if you never gave her a chance to reciprocate effort, I'd make that change with a future potential love interest. You might have gauged her lack of interest, and to see that you weren't really a priority, if you'd let that happen. I don't know your full situation since that part of your story wasn't brought up, so I'm just guessing. You sound like a gentleman, and even if you didn't mind the driving, always allow for equal effort, and know a woman needs to treat you as the special person you are to keep you in her life.

After the first time being intimate, it does sound strange she'd let that drop away. She could've gone to your place or made babysitting arrangements. So either she just wasn't that into you or has a low libido. Be thankful that you found all this out about her before investing more time. It's time to be in charge of your own life. Delete and block her because she's now in your past and not worth the risk of reconciliation. She isn't the person you thought she was, and fate has someone else worthy of you, so be free to find her in good time. You sound like a catch, so your future love will be thrilled this other woman was so stupid as to let you go.

[East4]

JC, based on your account of events, and if it is of some consolation to you, it seems to be me that you did and you do everything right, you were nothing, but a gentleman and an asset to your gf's life. I think she realises this and she did try to have a relationship with you. But it seems that she is not yet over her ex, it has been less than an year since they split. If she has a 9 yo daughter with him, it means they have been together for at least 10 years, since he fathered the child 10 years ago. Several months, to an year is not sufficient time to get over an ex, especially when children are involved and no-contact is impossible. I think she is having second thoughts about her ex, maybe considering giving him a second chance for the children sake. Her reluctance to have you over for the night points in this direction.

I think that your intuition is correct: she treats you badly, ignoring you, in the hopes that you will react in anger, thus giving her an excuse to end things with you. If you do not lash out and respectfully give her space, she will be confronted with the inevitable truth that she has been a pig to you. It is like you are holding a mirror in front of her and she is forced to see the reflection of her pig behavior towards you. I think this is the way to go.

Also, use this time to think about if you are willing to stick out your neck if after a month or two she pokes you, all innocent, and tries to rekindle things with you. Will you take her back, if she has been with her ex? This is only my opinion, but she shouldn't be using you as a place holder in her unfinished business with her ex.

Cheers

[jcboost54]

49 minutes ago, Andrina said:

 

 

48 minutes ago, East4 said:

 

Thank you all for the responses. I treated this girl different. She was different, I actually felt a real connection with this one and I don't doubt that she did too. There's just something obviously holding her back and the way she has gone about this has just completely blown my mind. I don't know if it's a true character flaw (if so I never saw even the slightest sign of it coming) or if she's scared or something of that nature and this is some sort if defense mechanism and is not necessarily meaning to do this intentionally. Either way I just can't understand why she didn't just remove me completely? Also, the ex that I have spoken about is not the father of her daughter. She doesn't have any children with this guy. He's just a douchebag that she met along the way and for some reason chose to put up with his BS. Also, my living arrangements are currently not the best for her coming to see me. This is going to sound strange at first but I'll explain. Currently I'm living at my parents house. Yes, I'm 34 years old lol but I have not lived here forever. It's just a temporary situation. I've lived on my own since I was 19. Most recently, my ex and I had a place together. When we split (after 4 years of an off and on relationship) I gave her the option to keep the place we had, if not then I would have kept it. She had a child (not with me) so I let her have the choice so she didn't have to find a place for them. She chose to stay and I left. My plan was to just go find an apartment at the time but my sister and parents talked me into just going to my parents house for a bit (their house is literally less than a mile down the road so it was very convenient at the time) until I figured out where I was going. I've ended up staying here longer than I had planned but took the opportunity to save up some money to buy a nice house which is now my plan. I was hoping to meet someone and do it together but I'm just ready to do something now. Plus my sister and her family are currently living here as well while they build their new house so it's REALLY hectic lol. Anyways, she certainly could have came here but with everything going on it just wasn't ideal. 

My hope is at some point she does reach out to at least say something about what happened, apologize, explain...anything, because this is just crazy. 

[DancingFool]

Sounds like you got fixated on "she is different" and missed a few red flags slapping you in the face.

While anyone can be cheated on, someone who has a history of bad relationships and every ex cheated on them is a problem. What you need to consider is that this person isn't a victim, but rather the common denominator. Basically, they have personal unresolved issues that cause them to prefer toxic relationships and drama, so if you aren't a source of drama, you will be gone because they will seek what they crave even if they know it's bad for them. You should also take any person badmouthing every ex they ever had with a huge grain of salt because chances are good that pretty soon you are going to join that herd. A pretty big red flag indicating that the person you are talking to is more dysfunctional than any ex they are badmouthing.

Considering how fresh she was out of the divorce and the convo between her ex, pretty obvious there that they have a great deal of unfinished business between them and that she is absolutely not done with him and not detached emotionally. In that respect you were basically a rebound. When people choose rebounds, they usually are the total opposite of the ex.....buuuut....also not their real cup of tea in the end. Rebound relationships don't last.

Finally, the big elephant in the room. Waiting for sex is all good. However, she actively avoided you in bed after you had sex. Dude, you got to face the fact that from her point of view, you weren't compatible in bed. There is a big difference between taking time to get to know you before and avoiding you after. Avoiding you after isn't some badge of honor, it's your clue to stop wasting your time on her. Don't take this personally either because this woman has issues to begin with and she doesn't communicate.

Finally, finally....the whole ghosting thing.....this is what conflict avoidance looks like in practice. People like that are obnoxious in many ways precisely because you can't trust them or ever know what's on their mind. They just build up resentments that they will never tell you about or air out and work on. Then they will either explode like a volcano one day or just go awol on you. Either way, it's an obnoxious kind of a personality trait to deal with. You sit there thinking "things are so great, we never disagree" while they are smiling at you and silently stewing on something. When they do act, you will be blindsided every single time. Toxic af.

As bewildering as this is, you really dodge a bullet and if she does come back around....run. Different isn't necessarily good.

 

[smackie9]

I'm gonna go with unfinished business with the ex/rebound situation. I doubt very much this has anything to do with you, what you have said or how you treated her. It's just bad timing.

[SherrySher]

The first time you had sex, she seemed like she possibly regretted it. Wrong timing, and maybe it wasn't what she was hoping?

You telling her you loved her, and she didn't respond.

I know it's easy to blame the ex and think it's him, but it's possible that she just wasn't feeling it like you and is trying to spare your feelings.

Maybe she's confused, because she knows you're a good guy, she knows she could have something good with you and she wants to feel something for you, but the spark just isn't there.

At least that's what I read into it.

[lostandhurt]

Okay this sucks giant monkey butt.  If she cared at all it would seem you would get some sort of text message telling you that you are a great guy but she doesn't see a future with you.  They are just letters on a phone and only take seconds to do and send.

Ghosting is so rude.

  Who knows what is going on in her head but you know that you did everything the best you could and you can hold you head high knowing that.  I know this doesn't help the sting or the confusion but in the end all the answers in the world will not change that it is over.  Answers do help with closure and to help you from allowing this to become cyclical in your mind but many times we don't get any answers.

 In my opinion she was never fully in like you were.  Part of me thinks she put you through several tests and you kept passing them with flying colors so she kept mixing things up.  You may be correct that she was waiting for you to give her a reason and it never came so she ghosted.

If it were me I would probably send her one last text.  "Hi _______,  I am confused as to why you have been pulling away from me and now have gone silent.  I hope you are and the children are okay.  I really loved the time we spent together and wish you the very best"

This does not make you weak, it is an honest statement after 6 month of dating.

I am curious would it suck less if you knew she had been seeing her ex behind you back or left you for him?  

Lost

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, jcboost54 said:

She has a lot of bills she needs to pay right now (just paid a $400 electric bill!) and her check was already not going to be great from missing that day so she was planning to work over the weekend. 

I said how about I come up Saturday evening and we'll get dinner and she agreed. The last I heard from her was 10:00pm last Friday. She didn't respond to my last text so I decided to go NC until she responded and give her some space considering how she had been acting. Well, I haven't heard anything at all from her since. 

You played "no contact games", and it backfired. She Does Not have to host you weekends. You blew off her troubles and problems and went  straight to "when can I come over?". 

[SooSad33]

3 hours ago, jcboost54 said:

I'm just confused as to why she would suddenly disappear without saying anything at all, without officially breaking it off, etc. It's just so out of character for her I can't wrap my head around it. I agree that she may have regretted doing some things sooner than she had planned but why not just talk to me about it?

This is her easy way out.

She's realized she just can't do it 😞 . She's far from 'ready' for all of this, going on.

As mentioned, in this time (months) of being involved again- AND not too long after her last break up= too much!

YOU are at a totally different stage than she is. You may be all well & good for getting involved.  She is not.

Good on you to accept & not harass her about it.

As for this FB stuff.. leave that alone.  Some guys I dated, I was never even friends with them. Pay no attention to that stuff.

[Batya33]

I think she's not that into you and likely still into her ex and/or seeing him.  As an aside why do you refer to this adult person who lives on her own and has kids .... as a "girl?"  I hope you treated her like an adult!  But right now she is not acting like an adult and is being really awful to you.  I'm sorry.

[Jibralta]

9 hours ago, jcboost54 said:

Why would she change our relationship status settings to "only me" and not just remove it all together? Or remove me from FB? I know it's all just guesses but what do you all think? ..... My suspicion is that shes been talking to/seeing her ex again, maybe...but why wouldn't she break it off and take me out of the picture completely?

Wow, I'm sorry you're going though this. All I can say is, this is a really weird situation. I don't know what advice to give. If you find out what the story is, post back!!

[gamon]

It could have been anything, the ex, she got wrapped up in personal issues, maybe it was too soon for her to get involved again and the relationship was just too much for her to deal with, who knows?

In all of that excess and largely irrelevant detail you provided there is nothing that specifically points to answers.

You met a girl, you went out for a period of time, you thought it was going well, and then she dropped off the radar. That story is repeated on this forum and many others over and over again.

Sometimes we never know why, and you just have to chalk it up to "her feelings changed". There's a good chance even she doesn't know.

 

[Tinydance]

So how long has it been since she actually ghosted you? Yeah something really doesn't add up with all her behaviour and she doesn't really want to see you that much or be intimate it seems like. It doesn't really make sense if she was home all alone and she thought you're nearby at Walmart, that she just prefers to go to her cousin's rather than have private time with you. I mean you already waited 4-5 months to have sex so why doesn't she want to do it anymore? She wasn't a virgin, she's pushed out two kids lol And hiding the relationship status means she probably wants to end the relationship? If she was happy with you then why hide it? In any case, after a six month relationship just to ghost is horrible! You really don't deserve to be treated like this!

[jcboost54]

9 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think she's not that into you and likely still into her ex and/or seeing him.  As an aside why do you refer to this adult person who lives on her own and has kids .... as a "girl?"  I hope you treated her like an adult!  But right now she is not acting like an adult and is being really awful to you.  I'm sorry.

I said "girl" as a force of habit. I didn't mean it that way and never treated her like a girl. Actually I did things very different with her than I normally do because she led me to believe she was really into me and that she was looking for something long term and not trying to waste time with someone. I was surprised that she was the one that asked me to make things "official". Ironically enough I've been with much younger that were far more immature that didn't act like this in the end. It's puzzling. 

[jcboost54]

52 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

So how long has it been since she actually ghosted you? Yeah something really doesn't add up with all her behaviour and she doesn't really want to see you that much or be intimate it seems like. It doesn't really make sense if she was home all alone and she thought you're nearby at Walmart, that she just prefers to go to her cousin's rather than have private time with you. I mean you already waited 4-5 months to have sex so why doesn't she want to do it anymore? She wasn't a virgin, she's pushed out two kids lol And hiding the relationship status means she probably wants to end the relationship? If she was happy with you then why hide it? In any case, after a six month relationship just to ghost is horrible! You really don't deserve to be treated like this!

I haven't heard anything from her since last Friday evening. She has now removed me as a friend and our relationship on FB as of today. 

[jcboost54]

11 hours ago, SherrySher said:

The first time you had sex, she seemed like she possibly regretted it. Wrong timing, and maybe it wasn't what she was hoping?

You telling her you loved her, and she didn't respond.

I know it's easy to blame the ex and think it's him, but it's possible that she just wasn't feeling it like you and is trying to spare your feelings.

Maybe she's confused, because she knows you're a good guy, she knows she could have something good with you and she wants to feel something for you, but the spark just isn't there.

At least that's what I read into it.

Could be. I still don't understand the whole disappearing without saying a word. All she had to do was tell me something and I would have respected her wishes and moved on. The way she handled it is what has made it hard. My gut feeling is that she's still holding onto her ex. Whether she's in contact with him and seeing him I don't know but I feel that may be the root cause. My guess, she'll get back involved with him and of course it will be the same thing as it's always been with him. She'll wind up hurt and disappointed again and regret letting me go. Then again I could certainly be wrong and it may have absolutely nothing to do with him. 

[LootieTootie]

16 hours ago, jcboost54 said:

One of those two nights I had stayed over she woke up to some messages from her ex (they have been split up for around a year or a little less). Now, her ex was a real POS. He cheated who knows how many times, she said he compulsively lies about everything and for no reason, is a narcissist, etc. (She's been treated badly and cheated on by others as well and has said even when she's been cheated on she's never done it in return and says someone should just break up with the other person if they are going to cheat). Anyways, she showed me the conversion and basically he was saying he knew of someone who as going to try to "break us up" but that he had defended her and just wanted to give a heads up, blah blah blah. She responded telling him no one was going to break us up, that we had a great relationship and trust each other and I have full access to her phone. That I'm not needy, clingy or controlling, etc. I already knew when she was reading the message there was no one else trying to do anything. This guy was just being the liar that he is and making *** up. She also said it had to be him making it up as well. 

Yea I would have ran after she showed me that text or taken a step back. 

What I am saying is, your selection in a partner is a reflection of you (and your standards). She has a pattern and you were the first not to fit that pattern.

If she really wanted to show you that she wanted to choose a better man from now on, she would have shown you her deleting his messages and blocking him. That takes a lot of courage for someone who is not over their ex to do that. She kept that channel open and we now know it wasn't for the kids sake because he is not even their father.

I would just take that as a lesson to learn. There were flags. Maybe the good outweighed the few flags, but I think some of these flags could have helped you slowed down the pace and maybe considered some things about her you didn't think about before. 

 

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, jcboost54 said:

I haven't heard anything from her since last Friday evening. She has now removed me as a friend and our relationship on FB as of today. 

I'm really sorry, OP. That must feel awful. 

It's pretty clear that she is dating someone else, and it's most likely her ex. I think you were her rebound, unfortunately. She wasn't recovered enough from her toxic relationship to start dating anyone when she started dating you. There have been some sketchy actions on her part that indicate she was trying to hide you and the extent of your relationship with her. 

You keep saying this is out of character for her, but the truth is that at just 6 months, you didn't know her well enough yet to  really know what is or is not out of character with this woman. She wasn't a stranger to you, obviously, but it is premature to assume that you could determine what isn't typical behaviour for her. Maybe this is exactly who she is - someone who lacks mature communication skills and avoids confect at all costs. Someone who runs and hides like a child. 

It hurts but you have dodged a bullet here. I don't think this woman is a great candidate for a long-term relationship with you. 

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, jcboost54 said:

  she said she wanted to talk to me about something and asked if I had a problem with holding off on staying the night while the kids were there until I got to know them better. Apparently her daughter (9 years old) was asking questions about "boys staying with girls".  

This is when you needed to stop pestering her about staying overnight.

You persisted several times. She didn't "ghost", you just kept asking to stay overnight, and wouldn't take the hint.

There was no other choice but to phase you out because time after time you kept asking to stay over. Even using tricks like the Walmart stunt and the "no contact" stunt.

Did she ever stay at your place? 

[East4]

She is a single mother of two, working hard to pay bills (400$ electricity!) and provide for her mono-parental family, it is understandable that she will be looking for a man who is more established than you, Jc. You are still living with your parents and sister's family. Every time you meet up, you go to her place, I guess you eat there, use utilities, etc. She is already struggling with bills, she cannot be your host each and every time. And like another poster said, you were somewhat too forward, inviting yourself over to her place.

So, this is yet another speculation on what the reason was for the break-up. I guess, it does not matter at this point, because clearly it is over and you Jc get to move on.

I think your dating life would be much more balanced if you get a place of your own and do not have to crash at your girlfriend's every time. Especially when there are children, sleep overs are tricky.

She should have been clearer about her breaking up with you. Although, it is not really easy to address issues like not being happy to have you each and every time at her place, your additional consumption of utilities that she has to pay, food, beverages. So, she took the easy way out.

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, East4 said:

.You are still living with your parents and sister's family. Every time you meet up, you go to her place, I guess you eat there, use utilities, etc.

. And like another poster said, you were somewhat too forward, inviting yourself over to her place

This is why she ended it. Not because her ex or this or that.

The best thing you can do is get your own place.

She simply did not want to be your bed and breakfast escape from your parents. She kept telling you about her problems and you refused to listen. 

You seem to be oblivious to the fact that relationships need to be more balanced.

That means at 34 y/o you need a place of your own. You can't just camp out at women's homes. 

When you are more settled and have a place of your own, women won't "ghost" because you won't be wearing out your welcome like that.

Fact is, she kept saying something. Her kids don't like it, she is struggling with bills, she had some medical issues, etc.etc.

Yet your only concern was can she host you for sleepovers. 

She didn't "ghost", she just got tired of being ignored and playing mommy.

[East4]

20 hours ago, jcboost54 said:

She's said she's getting too old to be wasting time if she doesn't think it will go anywhere and I agree and respect that.

Re-reading your original post, Jc, she has been very clear about what she was looking for: not to waste her time and see some realistic future with the man she dates. I think for the 6 mo she was going out with you, you haven't demonstrated any traction for forward movement in your living arrangement. Instead, you got to put more pressure on her to have you over at her place, while you were already aware that she is careful to not expose her children to the men she dates. 

Also, I noticed very often you would say "I met my girlfriend for dinner". Was she cooking you dinner at her place, did you ever buy the groceries needed to cook dinner, did you ever bring little gifts for her kids to show appreciation. Because you know this woman is package deal, she is not one, but three persons. I think she was attracted to you, but she was also looking for qualities in you that you failed to demonstrate.