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I feel like there is still hope with my relationship with him?


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I’ve been dating this guy for about 8/9 months. We’re 9 years apart and I don’t notice the age difference. We get along like a house on fire, always laughing together. He tells me regularly ‘I laugh so much with you’, I know his friends, his family know about me but we haven’t been able to meet due to Covid. He used to call his parents every Sunday but since we’ve been dating, it’s become less and less. To me this is also a sign of being in a relationship with someone. We normally see each other a few times a week, sometimes less or more depending on our schedule. He invites me to all the 'big' things in his life, for example, we were going to go to his medical ball together (he would've been seen with me in front of other girls if there is anything nefarious). When we drive or hangout in different areas together, he likes to look up the prices of houses. He's also said in front of me how cute kids are and that he can't wait to do that one day. Signs to me he's testing my reaction and seeing if I want that as well.

 

A few months into dating, he asked to make sure that we’re not seeing other people. He isn’t into casual sex and I think exclusivity is important to him. A few months ago I was anxious about what we were - he hadn’t asked me to be his girlfriend and I thought this is something that he would’ve wanted to do. He’s traditional, wanting something serious such as marriage/family. We had a few talks about the direction of our relationship, he said there were a few things he was a bit concerned about, a few things we maybe didn’t have in common (he’s very risk-averse and overthinks everything). His concerns were things like ‘I like anime and you don’t’ ‘I like fiction books and you don’t’

 

He’s studying so after that conversation he said he would decide at the end of his exams, his exams have finished now. He went away recently with some of his University friends, he was unsure of whether to go (seemed like he wanted to be with me, haha) and wanted to see me before he left. I’ve felt good about everything between us post-exams as I had a feeling he was going to slowly contact me less and less and try and see me less - due to his uncertainty.

 

One night on the phone, I told him that I wasn’t quite sure whether continuing to have sex with him was a wise idea as we aren’t boyfriend/girlfriend. He was confused that I said it was casual. I said ‘well, we aren’t in a relationship’ and he said ‘you are my girlfriend’ I’m certain he went onto say ’I thought we’ve known this since we started dating’ so I then asked him ‘well if I was to meet a new friend of yours that I haven’t met, would you introduce me as your girlfriend? And he said yes. Unfortunately, he has to repeat his exams so I may not be able to see him for a while, I do need to clarify that he actually meant this.

 

I just wonder why he had this hesitancy a few times when we had the discussion a few months back though? There was even a point where I suggested we should end things because he wasn't so sure and he agreed. Maybe this is natural though and a reflection of his risk-averse attitude about things. There were just some uncertainties on his part. He said he could've been overthinking it. As a result, it sort of made me more anxious and I suggested we should end it.

 

We were the other day asking to see me and said it’ll be good to have a proper chat about things as we’ve both been putting things off, as so he said.

 

I got to his house, he said yes I have been his girlfriend all along and he doesn't know why I would think otherwise. He said that he feels its the best decision for us to end things due to our age gap and our differences, he claims we're very different people. I personally do not see this as I feel like we share the same values, we're compatible in a lot of areas etc. He told me that he finds me beautiful, loves my sense of humour and that we get along and have fun together. I did mention that we handle conflict differently but our only arguments have been over text/call and since that's such a poor form of communication - it's hard to tell.

 

He started to cry (this is the most emotion I've seen from him), saying he won't be able to cook me any more dinners and our memories shared together. He then went back and forth and said he doesn't know if he's making the right decision, that he will never find someone like me, I am out of his league etc. He said maybe he's just one big idiot after all and he's made a stupid decision. I was calm in my response and he said "why don't you get angry? this is making it more difficult" in a somewhat cute way. He just kept saying that lately everything has been solidified in his brain that it's the most responsible decision.

 

Now I feel like since we've been arguing quite a bit the past few weeks and he's been stressed, possibly his decision is skewed. I hadn't seen him in 2 or 3 weeks due to exams and I asked whether maybe we just got cold feet because of us not seeing each other. I remember months ago he said he sometimes questions us in absence.

 

We spent over 4 hours talking and it was like he didn't want me to leave nor did I. He then asked if we should go to dinner together. He finally walked me to my car and he couldn't stop crying.

 

Something in me decided to message him this morning:

 

Me - Morning 😊 I don’t know if messaging you is the best idea, but I hope you haven’t woken up too sad. If you ever want to catch up on neutral grounds, a coffee or lunch, don’t hesitate - I still consider you a friend. Even under these circumstances, it was nice to see you last night and I am saddened I won’t be able to have more of them with you. That’s all ❤️

 

Him - Morning! I was in two minds as to whether to message you with the same sentiment 😅 I feel very much the same. Like you say it’s always nice seeing you, and it’s hard for me to think we won’t be sharing more moments together. I really hope you’re feeling ok today ❤️ Enjoy the rest of your weekend 😊

 

Me - Aw, well if you’re keen to catch up in a week to come or a few months, let me know. I’m trying to not make this any harder for us but it is difficult. I didn’t react with anger because that’s genuinely not how I feel about us. I miss you, enjoy your morning eggs ❤️

 

Him - Will do ❤️ miss you too, at least you can have your eggs with olive oil today 😅

 

Do you think it feels like he still possibly wants to be together?

 

**TL;DR** 8 months into dating, he finally broke the news to me that we should end what we have based on our age gap and some differences.

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Well to me personally this guy sounds too wishy washy. I don't understand why he broke up with you if he actually loves you and wants to be with you? I got the sense from your post that he does think you're a great person and knows you're wonderful "on paper", but maybe he's just not in love with you? Even if you think someone is a really good person, it doesn't always mean that you would fall in love with them and feel like they're "the one". Also the fact that he never said you were his girlfriend is a bit suspicious as well. I know it's hard but I would say don't chase him. I think it's probably best to actually go no contact. I mean he hasn't seemed sure and kept making comments like he's worried about you not liking the same things and not the same values, etc, etc. I think just leave him be and he has to come to you himself if he wants you back.

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Well to me personally this guy sounds too wishy washy. I don't understand why he broke up with you if he actually loves you and wants to be with you? I got the sense from your post that he does think you're a great person and knows you're wonderful "on paper", but maybe he's just not in love with you? Even if you think someone is a really good person, it doesn't always mean that you would fall in love with them and feel like they're "the one". Also the fact that he never said you were his girlfriend is a bit suspicious as well. I know it's hard but I would say don't chase him. I think it's probably best to actually go no contact. I mean he hasn't seemed sure and kept making comments like he's worried about you not liking the same things and not the same values, etc, etc. I think just leave him be and he has to come to you himself if he wants you back.

 

Thanks tinydance! I asked him if he loved me and he said no, he said he has never loved someone before besides his family. He has apparently had 4 girlfriends. As hard as it is for me to keep following up with him, I think even a week of us not talking would be great. The longest we have ever gone is a few days.

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Thanks tinydance! I asked him if he loved me and he said no, he said he has never loved someone before besides his family. He has apparently had 4 girlfriends. As hard as it is for me to keep following up with him, I think even a week of us not talking would be great. The longest we have ever gone is a few days.

 

Don't you think it's a red flag that he had four girlfriends and he has never loved anyone before? How old is he and how long were his other relationships? I would think it's not a good sign if an older man had four relationships and he never loved any of them. It seems like he's someone that dates women just for the sake of dating and doesn't want to actually wait and find someone he does love. Or maybe he's not looking for love at all. In any case, you directly asked you if he loved you and he said "no". I doubt if he doesn't love you after nine months that he ever will. No offence. Also why do you want to be with someone who doesn't love you? Don't sell yourself short!

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Don't you think it's a red flag that he had four girlfriends and he has never loved anyone before? How old is he and how long were his other relationships? I would think it's not a good sign if an older man had four relationships and he never loved any of them. It seems like he's someone that dates women just for the sake of dating and doesn't want to actually wait and find someone he does love. Or maybe he's not looking for love at all. In any case, you directly asked you if he loved you and he said "no". I doubt if he doesn't love you after nine months that he ever will. No offence. Also why do you want to be with someone who doesn't love you? Don't sell yourself short!

 

He's 33! Yes, it definitely is concerning. Not that I'm excusing him at all but probably I would say the same about him, I do very much like him but in love with? Hard to say. I was hoping we would have continued and our relationship and would have blossomed eventually. I know people that have dated for a couple of years and it took them a long time to really love each other. Maybe I'm being naive, I do not know.

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He's 33! Yes, it definitely is concerning. Not that I'm excusing him at all but probably I would say the same about him, I do very much like him but in love with? Hard to say. I was hoping we would have continued and our relationship and would have blossomed eventually. I know people that have dated for a couple of years and it took them a long time to really love each other. Maybe I'm being naive, I do not know.

 

Well the problem is he just seems not sure about your relationship in general? He keeps saying he has doubts. I think you're selling yourself short and settling for less to be waiting around for a guy who always has one foot out the door. You can do better.

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Sorry to hear that. It's good you finally talked and he was clearer about ending it.

 

At least you are not in limbo. He may keep you around for FWB or hooking up, if you want that too.

 

If you don't want that, it's time to block him.

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Girlfriend you have to walk away and with your head held high ...

 

Cos I am not on very much I did read back and every thread is the same theme and every poster has given you the same advice ...

Especially this thread

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=564673

 

What you are giving him now , is a soft landing to ease away from you .... you have never known were you stood , your interactions with him haven't been worth hanging on to ...you may not see that yet but you will .

 

Even the dumper misses the person they are waking way from , I have ended it with people and missed them ( not many , usually when I am done I am done ) but the odd one , so even the dumper has their grieving process ...doesn't mean they want you back though .

So don't hold his hand and gently ease him through dumping you and then getting over you completely . Don't give him the best of both worlds , why should he have good morning texts and hope your ok texts , or a chance to meet up ....... The only time that should be happening is if he has changed his mind and realised he does want to be with you .

 

I like to have hope for everyone because heartbreak hurts !! But you have to look at these last 8 months and be honest with yourself , it has never ( or so it seems ) been overly rosey in the garden .

 

Leave him to it dusty , you will be ok , you will get over it ....if in the meantime , with space and you not been so available he changes his mind , he knows how to contact you . Don't hang onto that though darling ..I am sorry for you but this is not a great relationship .

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I got the sense from your post that he does think you're a great person and knows you're wonderful "on paper", but maybe he's just not in love with you? Even if you think someone is a really good person, it doesn't always mean that you would fall in love with them and feel like they're "the one".

 

This is my read on it, too.

 

I think he likes you as person and knows you're a good catch - but for whatever reason, he doesn't see this as a match for him. I sense that he's been having doubts for a while and has been looking for reasons to end it. (When someone is citing anime as an incompatibility, they're looking for an escape hatch) He feels guilty for ending it, but I don't think he regrets his decision to do so at this point.

 

I know it's disappointing but I think you're going to be happier with someone else.

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This is my read on it, too.

 

I think he likes you as person and knows you're a good catch - but for whatever reason, he doesn't see this as a match for him. I sense that he's been having doubts for a while and has been looking for reasons to end it. (When someone is citing anime as an incompatibility, they're looking for an escape hatch) He feels guilty for ending it, but I don't think he regrets his decision to do so at this point.

 

I know it's disappointing but I think you're going to be happier with someone else.

 

I agree. I remember your post where I think you were playing that game with yourself how "girlfriend" is "just a label" - well, it's not to either of you apparently. It's the tired old "you're SO amazing and out of my league, I don't deserve you and give you what you want." Cry me a river. You don't need all that fake flattery from him. He is trying to soften the blow - but you are resilient and after 8 months it looks like it's been going nowhere you'd like it to go for months now. Please don't try to be friends with this guy. He's not a bad person he's just not that into you and being in contact will make it harder for you.

 

Yes love can take time, yes love can grown/deepen. But adults who see serious potential for the future typically want to commit within 6 months of dating at the outside with rare exception.

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This guy has said that he does not see a future with you, and you need to listen. He is making up silly excuses as to why does not want a commitment, but was cool to have contact and sex.

 

He is not a nice guy, and he is not a friend . Let this go and go no contact.

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Spend more time on you. The more time you start putting into yourself and where you're headed the less you'll be worried about others not going in the same direction as you. He's not following or not joining you. A break in communication is best after break ups. Keeping in touch is no good.

 

The more distance you put between yourself and this person the greater your opportunities will open up. It doesn't mean you stop thinking about him or caring. That's all involuntary and part of the healing process but you'll have to realize that he's just not your person. Set some healthy boundaries and get out of this rut. You owe it to yourself.

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He said that he feels its the best decision for us to end things due to our age gap and our differences, he claims we're very different people. I personally do not see this as I feel like we share the same values, we're compatible in a lot of areas etc.

 

There don't seem to be any normal dealbreakers to make this relationship horrendous for him. Therefore, he's clearly just not that into you. Up to this point in time and likely to continue for a while, he seems to be the type of person who is more comfortable with short term relationships, and when the woman pushes to move to the next stage, he's unwilling so he bails.

 

He loves the fact that you're Miss Suzy Sunshine with him, and there's no drama with the breakup aftermath. He'll gladly go along with that until he meets another woman. And then he'll be ready to start ignoring the fishing line you're throwing out. That fish will stop taking the bait.

 

How about if you were making your own decisions in your own best interests? Isn't that better than leaving your fate to anybody else on the planet--especially one who doesn't care enough to be your one and only?

 

Closure can only be attained with no contact so you can mourn and then heal. Don't hope for an ex to reconcile, especially one as high risk as he is with his trait of never having romantically loved anyone by his age. When you get some time and distance away from Mr. Wrong, you'll probably shake your head at why you stayed so long. Tell him you're going no contact for your own good and wish him well. And then block and delete. You'll thank yourself when you're free to meet someone who is crazy about you.

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You had your judgement clouded by how well you two got along and missed out on some red flags. I don't believe half the stuff you say he is....if he was "traditional" he would have asked you proper to be his GF and formally introduced you to his parents and friends. The other crap about over analyzing, that would be very evident immediately and give you complete grief from the start...I swear people just use excuses like that to be convincing so they can have a reason to excuse their naturally crappy behavior.And just to be a total jerk about it, he flings it back in your face that you "should have known" you were BF/GF....that's called gaslighting. The jig is up, and hes making his escape. He claims you two are just too different, something that would have been evident after a few dates, not after 8/9 months. He's just pulling that stuff out of his a$$. And you are right, I myself wouldn't see his anime/fiction book reading be something of a compatibility issue. More gaslighting. Block/delete, move on and don't look back.

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You've been trying to convince yourself you're OK with something you're not OK with. That is no way to be happy in a relationship.

 

I think it would be better to find a man who actually does want what you want and who does want you to be his girlfriend/potential future wife rather than trying to pretend what this man offers is what you want.

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