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Serious? Limbo? What does he feel about me?


sputnik78

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So i (38)met this guy (35) a year ago on tinder. We had two very sweet dates, him kissing me in the end included, I wanted to take it slow though. For the third date he made me wait until we were supposed to meet to tell me that he was just getting out of work. (We work in the same town but live 40 km each in the other direction) but i had already decided to drive home, beeing quite angry about this.

 

We are both from different european countries, im living in my homeland.

 

I think he was upset too, but somehow we got ou of touch.

 

I did think about him though quite a lot, but was kind of sticking to this „he needs to the next steps“ dating advices.

 

Shortly after this my house burnt halfway down. Seriously. My dog woke me up in the early morning to a nightmare if smoke and fire.

 

I spent the rest of the year and until recently to fix up my house and myself.

 

 

Still i thought about him.

 

A couple of weeks ago i got the message that my dad was seriously ill.

 

I messaged him (who is highly specialized oncologist) if i could talk to him and two days later we talked oh the phone.

 

It was mostly about being sorry that we had gotten out of touch and i said i would very much like to see him again and see where that would lead us, which he said would be really good. I then asked him for some scientific studies about a certain experimental medication.

To me he seems to be a quite rational and focused person in general.

 

We met for breakfast a week later, he hugged me very intensely. He had brought his laptop had looked up stuff for me and we had a very long talk about work, mountaineering (which we kind of both enjoy) and life.

 

And i noticed that i was indeed into him.

 

When we had to leave he took me to my car, hugged me, didnt let go and then asked me if i wanted to meet up for breakfast again the upcoming week.

We texted quite a bit over the weekend and fixed a date.

Because i felt like i had „dumped“ him the year before i thought i should make it kind if easier for him so i asked him if we should turn that breakfast into dinner. He agreed and so we did have dinner.

 

Sitting there, talking we started to look into each others eyes, pretty much all the time and deeply.

 

At one point i kissed him. A bit shy but i did. He did kiss me back, but then he kind of backed off and said: „i wouldn’t need to look any further, but career-wise and therefore in life i am standing at a crossroad.“

 

He had been offered a leading position in his field in his home country (politically not as stable as here) and he was not sure wether to decline it or not.

 

We talked about long distance relationships and how he lost his gf of many years due to distance. He asked me how patient i could be to get the answer if he would stay or leave and that he wished he could make time pause even though he knew this was not possible.

Essentially he said he wouldn’t start anything between the two of us not knowing if he would leave in 6 months time because it would hurt both of us and he needed time to sort this out.

We then walked through town, searching for the cafe we sat in a year ago and ended up there cuddling up in a sofa for two hours.

Holding hands all the way, looking at each other all the time.

No kissing though.

 

When we parted he said again he wouldn’t do anything such as kissing before not knowing it wouldn’t harm us.

 

​The next morning i did send him a sweet text not to work and worry too much everything would turn out fine.

No answer for two days.

I texted i couldn’t read his silence and he replied quite quickly that he had been tired and overworked but it felt nice to read my messages but he hoped he would make a better impression in real life.

I perceived the „it was nice to read it“ as quite distant.

Three days later i texted him that i had this talk with myself and that i got his message of needing to sort stuff out, that i could understand and when he was done and we both wanted to get to know each other seriously I´d be happy.

 

He replied 10 min later that this would describe his imperfect situation perfectly well, that he thought my reaction was very wise an empathic and that out of respect for me he would do his best to get the answers asap.

 

This was four days ago and all there is is silence.

On the one hand in think its fine, he knows what i feel and if he needs to sort stuff out he has to and the next couple of weeks will tell.

On the other hand im a bit afraid he might be keeping me in limbo.

 

Any thoughts on this?

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My first question is how is your dad?

But my second is why are you not trusting the medical professionals looking after him?

 

Does your dad have cancer?

 

You seem to have used your dads illness to get in touch with this guy?

How was the Doctors googling skills? Any better than yours?

 

It is completely unethical for him to discuss your dads health knowing nothing about his medical condition.

 

Your Dr friend a year ago messaged you at the time of your third date that he was just getting out of work. Which was nice of him to do. And since you work in same area my assumption would be that he wasn’t cancelling but now on his way.

But even if he was cancelling , surely given his job you could be sympathetic to the fact that he does have to stay late at work if one of his patients spikes a fever etc. His patients are immunocompromised.

 

Wouldn’t you prefer your dads Dr stays with him and cancels / postpones a date?

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My Dad is stable atm thank you for asking.

 

See, I come from a family of medical doctors, my dad is one himself and i am a medical professional as well.

I asked him about ongoing and planned clinical trials concerning a certain medication he could perhaps join. This is information not every specialist has easy access to.

 

It sounds harsh to state i might have used my dads illness but i can understand it could come across this way.

The answer is i didn’t. At least i did not intend to.

I wanted to get in touch again quite often but with a home to rebuild and living in a hotel for most of the year finishing my second masters degree while working full time i was out of order.

Actually i a bit afraid he wouldn’t really talk to me.

 

Yes, i might have made a mistake by not waiting for him that day, but with no time fixed at some point i decided to go home.

I get your point and i feel a bit silly for being so stubborn but i thought he could at least fix a time and after this maybe call me.

Because one can do this even if he is a doctor.

 

When we had dinner and talked about him probably leaving he made this remark about life being so harsh sometimes and i said life is not that complicated.

A bit later i answered him in the conversation „did we loose a year“ and he said „see, life is bloody complicated“

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Why were you “afraid” he wouldn’t talk to you?

 

He was never afraid to talk to you , he just simply didn’t.

 

As a medical professional you have as much access as he does to journal articles , recent research etc.

 

Your dad is unwell but it seems he doesn’t have cancer? Or you would have said he does?

If he has Cancer and you panicked and messaged an oncologist you know then you could be forgiven even as a medical Dr for doing so. Because at the end of the day you are a daughter first and foremost.

 

I’m confused as to why you are more concerned about your Dr friend over your father’s health?

And since you come from a family of medical professionals , why then consult an ex date?

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Honestly, I think you are reading what you want into all of this. You are making a lot of excuses for his behavior. And you're giving him the benefit of many doubts.

 

You seemed surprised that you were into this guy at dinner. but you've been into this guy all along. For whatever reason, the date after work didn't happen and maybe you thought he'd chase you....

 

But you are basically chasing him. A lot of time passed, he never called, eventually you found a reason to call him. Which considering the time passed, probably looks like you couldn't find anyone else

 

Now you are considering agreeing to wait for him, but he's not asking you to. You've had a handful of dates over a long period of time. You are kidding yourself if you think, you are being factored into his career decision.

 

You wonder why he's not acting more urgently, responding more? Because he doesn't have to. You've made it pretty clear you'll be available.

 

I think he's being polite or he's one of those people that can't really have those tough discussions.

 

Maybe that time he texted you that he was just getting out if work,you were playing a little game to make him chase? And if you were, why you'd do that to someone you liked?

 

it was a mistake because it backfired and now he has the control. Which unbalanced feelings never work.

 

I know some of this is harsh... But the truth is you deserve someone more into you.

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Thank you for your response.

I don’t think you are being too harsh.

I think it was a mistake to not wait for him this one evening and somewhere down the line i realized this.

And yep it hell did backfire.

Due to the circumstances i mentioned i did not make a move.

 

I didn’t find somebody like him, no.

I found quite a lot of men, or they found me, but nobody i really want to be with.

Sitting there with him was like „sh... this is how it should feel“ and i could feel the fear i probably f** up last year.

 

Ive felt this way only a few times for somebody.

 

Maybe i gambled away my chance last year.

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@Billie28

 

Thank you very much for your thoughts, i appreciate your time.

 

You are right.

He could habe always talked to me but he didn’t.

So maybe that’s the answer and all i need to know.

 

I never made a move due to the circumstances i mentioned and partly because i felt a bit like a fool about this one date that didnt take place.

 

 

My dads exact diagnosis is private and i assume you understand this.

I will not have my love for him and my concerns about his health questioned.

You have zero idea how worried and scared i am he might be gone in a years time.

 

Why i contacted this guy?

Because he is way more connected in science then almost anybody i know.

Not everyone in the medical field has the same access to certain information.

 

And:

Everybody i know could ring me up in such a situation, when there is a beloved one in danger.

Ex or no ex, dated twice, work colleagues, kindergarden friend.

It would not matter. I would always help.

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Thank you for your response.

I don’t think you are being too harsh.

I think it was a mistake to not wait for him this one evening and somewhere down the line i realized this.

And yep it hell did backfire.

Due to the circumstances i mentioned i did not make a move.

 

I didn’t find somebody like him, no.

I found quite a lot of men, or they found me, but nobody i really want to be with.

Sitting there with him was like „sh... this is how it should feel“ and i could feel the fear i probably f** up last year.

 

Ive felt this way only a few times for somebody.

 

Maybe i gambled away my chance last year.

 

I know what you mean... Ugh. I have been there! I'm also single and covid has made my dating life all but a memory :(

 

But I want to share how I deal with those feelings, like I messed up with a great guy... Faith. Just have faith that you will meet someone better. Or hey, we don't know, let this situation play out. Don't wait for him, but be open to the idea that as long as you're alive, anything can happen.

 

I'd pull way back. he appreciates your assessment of the situation and now let him handle the rest. You've made your interest known and the next steps are his. You deserve some effort. Let him show you now.

 

keep working on you and being there for your dad. I hope he continues to be stable. And in time you'll see how this was all meant to pan out.

 

💟

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I think you are making this too complicated for yourself.

 

You met a year ago when he was looking to date. Unfortunately, you knee jerked and dumped him. Maybe that was a mistake, maybe not, but it's what happened and you can't undo that.

 

Now, you got in touch, went out with him again, but a year later life has changed and he is being very honest with you when he is telling you that now, today he is not looking to date and complicate his life and decisions with a budding relationship.

 

You expect a man to chase you. Why? Because you are so amazing? He doesn't know you. In fact, your first impression on him wasn't that great a year ago - stubborn and impulsive and rude as you ditched him because he had to work late. What he is bringing to the table are much more valuable qualities - being honest, rational, respectful, not leading you on and telling you directly what's going on with him. It's a pity you can't see that and value "chasing" instead. Men who chase will also screw you over as more often than not they are players. What you are missing is that when a man like that decides to pursue a relationship with you, it will be a solid decision, not a game of chase, catch, release.

 

That said, he has been clear that he might not even be in the area in 6 months, so don't put your life on hold waiting on him. He may contact you or he may not ever again. I'd live as if the answer is never and get on with life.

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If he didn't like you he wouldn't ask you out, or hug you or anything. He is into you IMO, just not invested because you only had a few dates. He said he is at a crossroad with life/career. Here you are in front of him again, and he was trying to work something out with you and his new job....but he already had a bad experience with a long distance, which is making this whole situation difficult. It's just bad timing, and too much to ask someone to wait. So he's backed off. I'm pretty sure he's quite disappointed things couldn't be different.

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He's interested but he's not willing to over-invest when it may mean hassle and heartache later. I'm not seeing anywhere that he's not interested in you.

 

It's a good time now to think about whether long distance seems appealing to you.

 

I think he's not responding to you because there's nothing to say and to say more is to over-invest. That's what he just told you he is hesitant doing, not knowing his future plans.

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If he didn't like you he wouldn't ask you out, or hug you or anything. He is into you IMO, just not invested because you only had a few dates. He said he is at a crossroad with life/career. Here you are in front of him again, and he was trying to work something out with you and his new job....but he already had a bad experience with a long distance, which is making this whole situation difficult. It's just bad timing, and too much to ask someone to wait. So he's backed off. I'm pretty sure he's quite disappointed things couldn't be different.

 

I agree with this. I would quit trying to read tea leaves. I would have likely told him that I'm capable of getting to know people without investing in future promises. If he's got at least 6 months here, that's plenty of time to learn whether we share great simpatico, or not. So if decides that he'd like to spend time with me during this stressful and uncertain period, he's welcome to reach out. If not, then I can appreciate that, and no harm, no foul.

 

It makes no sense to impose such heavy duty future-talk on dating a relative stranger. Either we can enjoy the simpatico we have on a human level without heavy expectations, or it will fizz on it's own. I wouldn't be ready to get sexual with someone I know this casually in the first place, so it's not as though his future plans must factor into anything, anyway.

 

Don't beat yourself up about your past choices with this guy. If it was ever a meant to be a deal, it will work out. If not, then whether you waited out his postponement last round or not, it wouldn't have worked out then, either.

 

Head high, and give him the option of getting out of his own way to keep things simple. Either he'll respond to that with enthusiastic plans to see you again, or he won't. If not, you won't hold the same regrets for not playing things out to see where they land. You'll have learned the outcome no matter WHEN it landed on the calendar.

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Thank you guys again.

We have been in touch through whatsapp this weekend.

He really is very stressed about his decisions and he is very respectful And honest towards me.

So he needs to figure out which road to take and he wrote „be sure you have some influence in this“

 

I told him that if he decided to stay i would probably allow myself to fall in love

And if he decided to go home id do my best to be a friend

Which he replied to: same here...and that i would deserve more than a careerwise frustrated version if himself and thats why he‘ll stay if he has some confidence that wont be the case.

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