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Fiancé’s Best man (his uncle) sent long email urging him not to marry me....


jchxd8

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My Fiancè is a 30 year old male, I’m a 30 year old female. My fiancé is super close to his uncle. Basically his uncle is like his dad. Ever since we started dating his uncle has been very hard to deal with to say the least. My fiancé made his uncle his best man in our wedding and I’m really upset after everything that just recently happened that he still wants his uncle to even attend. I’m pretty sure my fiancé just wants me to “forgive” his uncle, accept a half hearted apology (again) from the uncle and move on.

 

Some back story: my first real issue with the uncle: For some reason his uncle like to “trick” people. But really it’s an excuse to be sadistic. For example back when we first started dating his uncle took my fiancé out drinking one night . It was a work night for me so i was home and getting ready for bed. The uncle called me from my fiancé’s phone claiming there had been an accident and my fiancé was hurt and headed to the hospital. Since his uncle is known for trying to trick people, i didn’t believe him right away but was starting to panic. (I lost my mother suddenly in an accident so this is a huge trigger for me)

 

I ask the uncle if he is kidding and this isn’t funny but he “swore on his young daughters life” that this was real and I better head to the hospital now. I quickly get dressed and start to call my then boy friend back again trying to get him rather than his uncle. I call three more times and finally head to the car, and his uncle picks up his phone again, finally telling me he was “just joking”. I was furious and the next day tried to address this with my boyfriend but basically he said he can’t control his uncle and i should never believe him anyway since he is known for this. I continued to pressure my boyfriend and he asked his uncle to apologize but I received a half hearted apology.

 

Second real issue with the uncle: To keep this short, the uncle wanted to go out with my boyfriend, the uncle just showed up at my bf and my house even though my bf told him he couldn’t go out since we had plans. I told the uncle it was rude of him just to show up after being told no and the uncle called me a controlling *insert curse word here* , in front of my boyfriend and my boyfriend apologized *to his uncle* for not being able to go out then the uncle left. I was so mad at my bf for how he handled this we actually broke up over it. We were broken up for 3-4 months no contact and eventually got back together with the premise that he “wouldn’t allow his family to disrespect me like that ever again”.

 

Third and final issue: since we got back together we have become engaged and honestly things are great. The uncle hasn’t been unreasonable, no disrespect, my fiancé has stood up for me more, he also stopped drinking which i think has helped life over all and it’s been two years of smooth sailing since anything crazy like i described above. We’re 6 months out from the wedding now and his uncle is starting to cause issues AGAIN. *sigh*

 

My fiancé and decided to moved to another state recently and i was honestly happy to get away from the uncle once and for all. We’re 21 hours away from the uncle. He helped us move down here and acted all fine about the move. A few months have went by and now I think in jealousy of his nephew moving away and him “losing his friend” the uncle has started blaming me for stuff and treating me poorly again. To keep it short his uncle had been commenting on literally everything i posted online on Facebook and disagreeing, angry reacting, and trying to start fights with me. Literally normally posts of like photos of cats he was angry reacting to or posting disagreement somehow. I ignored the posts and his comments for about a week. I knew he was trying to get to me again. I told my fiancé but his answer was to “just ignore it”. I told him I was already.... eventually things got to be too much when the uncle tagged other family members of his, like my mother in law, my fiancé’s brother and his grandma on a post trying to get them to argue with me also. Basically trying to start trouble with them too.

 

All of this came out of nowhere. There had been no fights with the uncle, nothing changed recently. For me that was the last straw! Trying to get my future mother in law mad at me and trying to upset other family members too seems really unfair and selfish of him. So i unfriended him on Facebook. I would have done it sooner but I know he is super dramatic and him being the best man at our wedding would make things hard.

 

Boy was I ever right! He then “retaliated” in response to me unfriending him by sending my fiancé a extremely long email condemning our marriage. He lied and said he wrote this to give to my fiancé before we moved but “never had the guts” Feel free to skim, its very dramatic and wordy.

 

 

 

“It is from a place of deep distress that I reach out to you, carrying a message that I believe to be not only mine but also shared by all who know and love you. I have struggled to oppress these words, for fear that they drive you away, and for fear that this message may isolate you further toward that which causes this distress. Only now, when that distress has grown so strong that the bindings of self-control can no longer restrain its expression, do I communicate the enclosed warning to you.

 

 

There is no sacrifice I would not make to secure your happiness and future, and while I indeed fear the consequences of this letter upon our relationship, I know now is a time for action.

 

 

You are making a grave and serious mistake. Continuing a relationship with **** toward marriage will negatively impact your life permanently. While a list of particulars may serve to demonstrate this warning, and while we can discuss them at length, it is sufficient to write here that you are settling for a misfitted match.

 

 

It is my sincere belief that your match with **** will lead to long-term unhappiness for you both, codependence, eventual separation, and a broken home for children should they be in the picture at that time. Those dynamics will reverberate for generations to come. Alternately, you each could find better matches that lead to harmonious marriages and families for each you, and that positivity instead could echo in future generations.

 

 

 

There must be a part of you, whether large or small, that has similar reservations. There also must be statements made by others: your sister, brothers, mother, or father who know you and who fears the same. There must also be a part of ****, whether large or small, that questions the sustainability of your match. This mismatch is bad for her too. Perhaps this gets expressed overtly by you both, or perhaps more subtly: one or both of you trying to change the other to something more acceptable to them. Perhaps you both calling it compromising--a more acceptable adjective for settling. Compromise is for temporary things. No one should compromise their character, personality, beliefs, family, or future.

 

 

If there are such examples that corroborate the concern outlined here for you, please act now. Know that I will provide any support that you should need.

 

 

If there are others whose opinions you value, please seek their counsel. They, too, could be silent, simply to avoid conflict. If you find that others share this concern, please act and do not ignore their warnings.

 

 

Should you choose to continue your path toward this marriage, as you are almost sure to do, regardless of any provided counsel, it will be my sincere hope to one day acknowledge that you were right and I was wrong. Alternately, should you continue your path toward this marriage, and should you later regret it, as you also are almost sure to do, know that you will be an understanding supporter, who has made a similar misstep in the past.

 

Either way, know that I will not mention this subject again and will faithfully support the direction you choose.

 

-uncle

 

 

My fiancé upon receiving this letter was upset but I was livid. It’s clear his uncle is trying to break us up and I immediately didn’t want this man at my wedding. My fiancé has yet to respond to him via email because he has been “trying to find the right words to say” and writing his response slowly.

 

I feel it makes me seem controlling to right out uninvite the uncle to the wedding and that’s most likely what he wants me to try to get my fiancé to do in order to prove his “point” that I’m a controlling person but who in their right mind would feel comfortable with this man at their wedding let alone to be their fiancé’s best man.

 

Any advice? My fiancé and i have a meeting with our pre marital counselor today and I’m hoping she can help talk some sense into my fiancé about how wrong this all is. His uncle shouldn’t just be allowed to treat me this way and continue being such a big part of his life but I also don’t want to be controlling and just tell my fiancé to choose between us.. because that’s wrong. We’re between a rock and a hard place. I don’t feel I should just roll over and accept this treatment.

 

Thanks for weighing in!

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Sorry to hear this. Is does sound like you are determined to marry this abusive guy and into this unwelcoming hostile family. The acorn doesn't fall far from the tree. Hopefully you will get counselling and reconsider this. What do your family and friends think?

My bf made a joke last night about my anxiety issues.

 

My partner carries a gun and sleeps with guns in his bedside table and one in mine. I said “it’s not like you are going to shoot me or anything” and he responded with” true, if anyone is going to kill anyone you would kill me.”

 

I asked him what he meant by that as I legitimately am a very non violent person and also don’t even know how to use a gun. He said “ well you take those crazy meds and sometimes people who take them go crazy and kill people”.

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Sorry to hear this. Is does sound like you are determined to marry this abusive guy and into this unwelcoming hostile family. The acorn doesn't fall far from the tree. Hopefully you will get counselling and reconsider this. What do your family and friends think?

 

My aunt who lives with my fiancé and I actually really likes my fiancé and feels he is a good guy. I don’t have any other family.

 

Like I stated above, since we broke up the first time and eventually got back together we haven’t had any issues. Things have been really good. I would like to focus on how he is handling this uncle issue and the uncle issue itself and not the past issues since they have been resolved and are in the past.

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There is a very old saying - if you want to know who a man really is, look at the company he keeps.

 

This isn't about the uncle, this is about your fiance and I'm afraid that you will learn this lesson the very hard way.

 

That phone prank? You do realize that your fiance was complicit in that.... He hangs out with that man because deep down he is on the same page and enjoys the same things. They are close for a reason. You might not see or have seen that side of your fiance yet, but you will eventually if you continue.

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Well from having had a quick "flick through" some of your other threads, it sounds as though your boyfriend isn't far off from being the douche his uncle is. However, I'm sure you aren't about to dump your bf and change your whole life plan based on what a few posts say, so the only real option you have is to just ignore his uncle and try and not let it be an issue in your lives. Unfortunately, it seems that your fiance greatly values the relationship he has with this over-bearing, immature man and by trying to get your fiance to step up or step in whenever his uncle misbehaves, you are essentially putting him in a position he doesn't really want to be in ..... and that could wear very thin overtime. He will get fed up of being stuck in the middle. Personally, I think you are marrying into the family from hell. To keep the drama at bay you are just going to have to IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE. The least you say, the least he can say back.

 

Incidentally, how do you get on with the rest of his family and friends? Who were the other people that his uncle was talking about in the letter?

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Well from having had a quick "flick through" some of your other threads, it sounds as though your boyfriend isn't far off from being the douche his uncle is. However, I'm sure you aren't about to dump your bf and change your whole life plan based on what a few posts say, so the only real option you have is to just ignore his uncle and try and not let it be an issue in your lives. Unfortunately, it seems that your fiance greatly values the relationship he has with this over-bearing, immature man and by trying to get your fiance to step up or step in whenever his uncle misbehaves, you are essentially putting him in a position he doesn't really want to be in ..... and that could wear very thin overtime. He will get fed up of being stuck in the middle. Personally, I think you are marrying into the family from hell. To keep the drama at bay you are just going to have to IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE. The least you say, the least he can say back.

 

Incidentally, how do you get on with the rest of his family and friends? Who were the other people that his uncle was talking about in the letter?

 

Hi, thanks for your comment. Can you specify what other people you mean from the letter? No one else in my fiancé’s family has had any issues with me like this or expressed disapproval for our relationship.

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There is a very old saying - if you want to know who a man really is, look at the company he keeps.

 

This isn't about the uncle, this is about your fiance and I'm afraid that you will learn this lesson the very hard way.

 

That phone prank? You do realize that your fiance was complicit in that.... He hangs out with that man because deep down he is on the same page and enjoys the same things. They are close for a reason. You might not see or have seen that side of your fiance yet, but you will eventually if you continue.

 

This is a very helpful comment. I hadn’t really considered that they are similar....

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Op, I'm sorry this is happening around your wedding, which should be a happy time.

 

I think your fiance needs to know, his reaction, is his. How he handles this is his to decide and act upon, ie respond to his uncle belongs to him.

 

With that said, your reaction to his handling of this is completely yours, to decide and live with.

 

If his reaction is not sufficient enough for you, then you should not marry him.

 

Just as an outside opinion, I could not deal with this uncle and I would need my fiance to protect me and our relationship above his uncle and family. After all, that's what marriage vows are-- forsaking ALL OTHERS and beholden only to each other.

 

That's marriage. that's what you vow to do. And it starts before you actually get there. one of the nicest speeches i ever heard at a wedding, the officiant said, two people are married way before they get to this point. And I agree with that. the wedding while fun, beautiful and all that stuff... its just the formality. your relationship will not magically change. It is what it is now and takes work everyday to keep it...

 

Be realistic about that. Make sure you are confident where you stand... this man will be your husband... you must have your needs met or its not going to work....

 

You've seen how this person can drive a wedge. You and your hubs must be on the same page. I would see how he handles it and make my decision. I would not pressure him, but I would find a way to let him know, his actions will force my actions.

 

And let the chips fall where they may.

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Continuing a relationship with **** toward marriage will negatively impact your life permanently.

Is this man even married? Doubtful if he acts like a mentally disturbed child. He has no place giving ANY marriage advice with his stated behavior.

 

 

The uncle is incredibly mentally abusive and a pathological liar. Dude needs serious professional help. I honestly could not read after the second example because the things he’s done has made me sick to my stomach. And no, I’m not exaggerating. He is an attention w***e and does outrageous things to seek attention.... like Logan Paul stuff.

 

But the person who is the worst here is your fiancé for not manning up to his uncle’s outrageous behavior. Did he even KNOW that his uncle was faking a 9-11 distress emergency with you??? Please tell me your fiancé was not in on it, because WT*, he is just sick and twisted as his uncle... and not in a very funny, good way.

 

Why is he even hanging out with a person who treats his future wife like this, especially calling you a B** and writing a very morbid email after given Best Man honors? This also speaks a lot about your fiancé’s character too.

 

His uncle isn’t going to change, but your fiancé should if he wants a marriage - either with you or with another woman. Because NO woman would put up with an abusive relative like that OR marry a man who ENCOURAGES such treatment . Your fiancé ultimately decides how he handles his uncle and reinforces relationship boundaries. My husband and I had to cut some friends out of our social circle because of how they treated us... expect to do the same even while in a marriage. This uncle is testing boundaries with your fiancé... and he’s winning because your fiancé allows it. I mean JC, APOLOGIZING to an uncle who barged in your home for not hanging out? Are you F’ing kidding me???

 

Please know that once you marry that man, his family is part of the package deal. So unless he cuts his uncle out, Uncle “Bob” will still be in the picture and tormenting your relationship.

 

Please remind yourself that Weddings are a lot cheaper than a divorce. Do you see yourself staying married with this future husband if Uncle “Bob” is around antagonizing you? Seriously ask yourself this question and you got your answer.

 

Hell... I would call the whole thing off in a heartbeat. If you all do resolve your ends and still go on with the wedding, I would uninvite that man AND HIRE SECURITY SO HE DOESN'T TRY TO CRASH IT. I am all for proper wedding etiquette and treating your guests like kings and queens... But the moment someone starts abusing and threatening the groom/bride, that goes out the window. The invite is revoked.

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Hi, thanks for your comment. Can you specify what other people you mean from the letter? No one else in my fiancé’s family has had any issues with me like this or expressed disapproval for our relationship.

 

In the letter, he said this .....

 

If there are others whose opinions you value, please seek their counsel. They, too, could be silent, simply to avoid conflict. If you find that others share this concern, please act and do not ignore their warnings.[/quote

 

I was wondering who you thought that might be and wanted to get some background info on what the rest of his family think. If they all felt the same then life could be a lot harder for you but if, as you said above, you get on with them all then at least you only have this idiot to contend with and that, hopefully, he can't drag them into your feud.

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That phone prank? You do realize that your fiance was complicit in that.... He hangs out with that man because deep down he is on the same page and enjoys the same things. They are close for a reason. You might not see or have seen that side of your fiance yet, but you will eventually if you continue.

 

I was also thinking this too.

 

Either men are playing off on the OP. And it’s sickening.

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I was also thinking this too.

 

Either men are playing off on the OP. And it’s sickening.

 

So according to my fiancé his uncle stole his phone which I 100% believe as the jerk has stole my phone before too. I don’t think my fiancé was in on the “prank” about being hurt but I 100% fault him in how he chose to handle it and how he didn’t hold his uncle accountable as he should. This example and the one after about his uncle calling me names are essentially why we broke up the first time. I feel he has been punished for that as we were broke up for 3-4 months and we legit didn’t talk. It’s kind of a fluke that brought us back together and I only agreed to date him again when he promised he wouldn’t allow family to treat me that way again... but here we are.

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So he has broken his promise to you. This proves his uncle will be around no matter what. Fiancé REALLY needs to man the F up.

 

Seriously, I would call it all off. You don’t deserve his family treating you like this as he stands back and pu***foots around them with insincere apologies. This man does NOT have your back and is not husband material if he cannot enforce boundaries.

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So he has broken his promise to you. This proves his uncle will be around no matter what. Fiancé REALLY needs to man the F up.

 

Seriously, I would call it all off. You don’t deserve his family treating you like this as he stands back and pu***foots around them with insincere apologies. This man does NOT have your back and is not husband material if he cannot enforce boundaries.

 

I’m hope the premarital counselor tells him exactly this today. We have an appointment at 2pm. We’re paying $150 to be told what seems obvious to others... that boundaries need to be in place.

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He asked this guy to be his best man? Do you not see that indicates all of this is okay with him? Your fiancé lets his family abuse you and really doesn’t have a problem — he barely had a problem with the letter that makes you out to be evil personified. You need to realize that the uncle will always be around, your fiancé is never going to put you first, he doesn’t have a problem with crappy behavior, mocks you for your anxiety and keeps guns everywhere. I am failing to understand why you see this guy as husband/best friend/partner material. That is what a spouse is supposed to be and he is none of these things.

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Sadly it sound like all of them against you, including your bf. Stay out of it and let the bf deal with it. They seem like a very tight clan and you will always be an outsider and they will always work in unison against you.

 

The uncle has a point and an ominous warning. This marriage will be disastrous and they will insure that.

There also must be statements made by others: your sister, brothers, mother, or father who know you and who fears the same. If you find that others share this concern, please act and do not ignore their warnings.
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So according to my fiancé his uncle stole his phone which I 100% believe as the jerk has stole my phone before too. I don’t think my fiancé was in on the “prank” about being hurt but I 100% fault him in how he chose to handle it and how he didn’t hold his uncle accountable as he should. This example and the one after about his uncle calling me names are essentially why we broke up the first time. I feel he has been punished for that as we were broke up for 3-4 months and we legit didn’t talk. It’s kind of a fluke that brought us back together and I only agreed to date him again when he promised he wouldn’t allow family to treat me that way again... but here we are.

 

Did his uncle put a gun to your fiance's head and force him to hang out and go drinking every single time too? Did the uncle force your fiance to be best pals? Did his uncle force your fiance to make him the best man at his wedding against his will? NO.

 

You keep making excuses for your fiance, but.....the truth has always been staring you in the face. The uncle and your fiance are two peas in a pod. The first time you broke up, you were smart and right and should have been gone forever. Everything after that has been a huge mistake on your part.

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Your boyfriend is a much bigger problem than his uncle, OP.

 

This man couldn't be so abusive towards you and incite so much chaos if your boyfriend didn't allow it. The fact that he evidently needs to be told by anyone that this is unacceptable is very concerning red flag in and of itself.

 

But taking your other threads about your boyfriend into consideration? He has been known to treat you just as poorly and make the same sort of nasty "jokes" as his uncle. They love winding you up.

 

Do you really not see that?

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I’m hope the premarital counselor tells him exactly this today. We have an appointment at 2pm. We’re paying $150 to be told what seems obvious to others... that boundaries need to be in place.
I understand that premarital counseling is required but think about this.... if you need a counselor to tell him a basic truth, you're in much deeper trouble than you are willing to accept or admit to yourself.
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I’m hope the premarital counselor tells him exactly this today. We have an appointment at 2pm. We’re paying $150 to be told what seems obvious to others... that boundaries need to be in place.

 

Why not say it yourself?

Honestly, if life is heck now, it will be worse when you are married, as your boyfriend will no longer be trying to impress you. Run. I and my ex moved far away from his family and they still tried to interfere. And then they moved near us...

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I’m hope the premarital counselor tells him exactly this today. We have an appointment at 2pm. We’re paying $150 to be told what seems obvious to others... that boundaries need to be in place.

 

I'm not sure a premarital counsellor will get involved that personally. He might be able to help you learn how to deal with things as a couple but he or she won't take sides in a family dispute so I'm not sure the counsellor is going to be a direct as you are hoping. I could be wrong though. Please get back to us and let us know how it went.

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My MIL behaved like your future "uncle", only psycho stalking is more or less the word best word to describe for over 2 years. And the best way to handle it, is "kill them with kindness." That the uncle will always look like the A-hole! Make everyone see how loving and kind you are to others, and be beyond kind and accommodating to him. Don't for one second bad mouth him to your fiance. And trust me, your guy will choose you. Sure, people will say he will know better, but if the man was a father to him, it's can be a hurdle to overcome just tossing him out. It takes time, but you will come out looking like a champ.

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My MIL behaved like your future "uncle", only psycho stalking is more or less the word best word to describe for over 2 years. And the best way to handle it, is "kill them with kindness." That the uncle will always look like the A-hole! Make everyone see how loving and kind you are to others, and be beyond kind and accommodating to him. Don't for one second bad mouth him to your fiance. And trust me, your guy will choose you. Sure, people will say he will know better, but if the man was a father to him, it's can be a hurdle to overcome just tossing him out. It takes time, but you will come out looking like a champ.

 

I had to do this once with a colleague. I knew she didn't like me. She didn't really like anyone. She'd be nice to your face but then go and moan about you to other colleagues ... and the managers. However, everyone got wise to her ways, especially the managers, so it became easy to ignore. She just wanted drama. I used to be ridiculously nice to her so she never had anything to moan about. I'm sure it used to grate on her. She still tried it though. She went moaning to the managers about the amount of times I went to the toilet one day. Ridiculous stuff. I'd been there 3 years by then. I think they knew I wasn't a shirker. Anyway, she told them she saw me in the toilets quite a few times. The fact that she would have been in the toilets the same amount of times as me was lost on her. I had a lot of fun pointing that out. Anyway, the managers just told her to keep her nose out of my business (haha quite literally). They knew who the real problem maker was.

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A close friend of mine has been in a similar situation (with her side of the family) and the family won. Frankly, I would run for the hills if I were you. The uncle will always be in the picture, no matter what you do and he'll always create problems.

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