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So I live with my sister and due to the quarantine that is ongoing, it is becoming really difficult dealing with her.

 

Background info: I am 32, she is 33. She has no friends, no BF, not married, recently laid off due to the outbreak. whenever we talk, we are at each other's throats. this has been the case for the longest time, it is only until the quarantine that i realized how bad it is. i can't help her because she doesn't listen to advice to begin with. for all my life i tell her some of the things she does are wrong/not acceptable. but nothing.

 

also, we have an emotional/verbally abusive mother who basically abused us in our childhood and i think my sister took the major hit mentally. she is really irritable and sensitive. she has set ways of doing things, if done slightly off, she loses it. i feel like she has no personality and gets on the defensive real quick. she needs a lot of attention. like a lot. she talks a lot, and really fast. she talks so fast that she doesn't leave room for the listener to participate.

 

personally, i can't deal with needy/clingy people in general so my sister is not any different. i am perfectly comfortable staying quiet for hours and not say a word because i keep myself busy.

 

now i just stay quiet and wait for her to finish talking. i even started recording our conversations to see maybe i am exaggerating, but no. i recorded an hour long conversation, and i basically spoke for maybe 10 minutes.

 

without asking about why we still live at home because i am embarrassed about it myself (long and boring story), anyone got any advice? or share some similar stories?

 

hope you're all staying safe out there and thanks for reading

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This is a really lousy time for everyone but worse for those stuck in a house with someone who drives them crazy. Can you be in a different area of the house than her? Do you have any hobbies you can pursue to keep you busy? Can you go for a walk about the block?

 

Does she do anything, like have a hobby, go for a walk?

 

There's no good solution to this, unfortunately, you just have to hang in there and tell yourself this too shall pass.

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for all my life i tell her some of the things she does are wrong/not acceptable. but nothing.

 

also, we have an emotional/verbally abusive mother

 

Try treating her like an adult instead of choosing every moment to point out her flaws like I'm sure your mom did. When she does something that irates you, take a deep breath, and try to see it from her point of view. Always stick to the facts, not your interpretation of things. And take a moment listen to what she is saying instead of focusing on what you plan to say next.

 

When you are on the offense many times, the other person goes into defense mode. So instead, talk about your feelings, and how an action makes you feel a certain way and why.

 

I am sure your abusive mom affected both of you. Telling them their flaws all the time their entire life is also abusive.

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for all my life i tell her some of the things she does are wrong/not acceptable.

 

This is not a productive way to have a good relationship--with anyone.

 

Try to catch her doing something good, then tell how how impressed you are with her for that. Find things you can admire about her, and tell her about those.

 

Relationships are about building one another UP. If you want better exchanges with her, start modeling the kindness and generosity that's foundational to any relationship, and keep the criticism out of it. You may not see immediate results because your barriers have been built over a lifetime, but it's no skin off your back to learn whether she might flourish under your encouragement.

 

If you want to undo damage, you need to start somewhere, and the only changes you can make will have to come from you.

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This is a really lousy time for everyone but worse for those stuck in a house with someone who drives them crazy. Can you be in a different area of the house than her? Do you have any hobbies you can pursue to keep you busy? Can you go for a walk about the block?

 

Does she do anything, like have a hobby, go for a walk?

 

There's no good solution to this, unfortunately, you just have to hang in there and tell yourself this too shall pass.

 

I am mostly keeping busy myself, and do keep myself in a different area, but we are polar opposites. i like quiet time and no talking, she is the opposite. so when we do talk, it is very tense and we start to argue.

 

i don't think she has any hobby to be honest, all she does is watch news on her iPad.

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Can you give an example of her 'set way' of doing things? What kinds of things irritate her?

 

so for instance i like to leave my PS3 controller on the coffee table, she takes liberty in moving it to the TV stand. growing up, she never let anyone touch any item of hers. so why does she touch other peoples'?

 

or the blinds, i like to keep the living room private as in i don't like people peeking in and see what i'm doing. (we live in a new development area and fencing is still not done). she always keeps the room lit and i have to remind her of why i do it, and she just makes fun of me, saying what "privacy"?

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Try treating her like an adult instead of choosing every moment to point out her flaws like I'm sure your mom did. When she does something that irates you, take a deep breath, and try to see it from her point of view. Always stick to the facts, not your interpretation of things. And take a moment listen to what she is saying instead of focusing on what you plan to say next.

 

When you are on the offense many times, the other person goes into defense mode. So instead, talk about your feelings, and how an action makes you feel a certain way and why.

 

I am sure your abusive mom affected both of you. Telling them their flaws all the time their entire life is also abusive.

 

that's a good point, i do treat her like an adult and i am not automatically hostile against her. however, the longer the conversation goes between us, more chances of her saying things or behaving in a way that i consider to be childish or immature. i start with treating her like an adult, then she does childish things, or says childish things in response and it ticks me off to see my sister, at her age, is behaving this way. so i try to correct her politely and she rejects furiously. she is on the stubborn side. granted everyone has a degree of stubbornness.

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This is not a productive way to have a good relationship--with anyone.

 

Try to catch her doing something good, then tell how how impressed you are with her for that. Find things you can admire about her, and tell her about those.

 

Relationships are about building one another UP. If you want better exchanges with her, start modeling the kindness and generosity that's foundational to any relationship, and keep the criticism out of it. You may not see immediate results because your barriers have been built over a lifetime, but it's no skin off your back to learn whether she might flourish under your encouragement.

 

If you want to undo damage, you need to start somewhere, and the only changes you can make will have to come from you.

 

i want no exchanges. i want no trouble. i literally want to just sit in peace, since she is more extroverted than i am, she can't sit still by herself, she likes to involve people. and now that we cannot go out anywhere, i am the people. another example is giving instructions. she is very demanding and likes to issue orders and follows up with the orders like INSTANTLY and i simply cannot accept that. if the world ran on a whim, then we wouldn't be having problems would we. we are adults, i have wants and needs just like her. when i want something i go and get it myself. or make it happen. but her, no, she likes to ask people to do things for her and uses the "girl" cover as this is a guy thing to do. and i don't buy that. i respect women, and i believe if they want equality, they should put in the effort themselves and stop relying on others to do the work for them.

 

personally, i do not like the princess-y type girls to begin with, and she has a lot of those tendencies. maybe that's where the problem lies.

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Ok stop monitoring, trying to change, recording and generally antagonizing her. Just stay in your own lane and get out of the line of fire. Who cares what she's like? Just steer clear.

I am mostly keeping busy myself, and do keep myself in a different area
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Ok stop monitoring, trying to change, recording and generally antagonizing her. Just stay in your own lane and get out of the line of fire. Who cares what she's like? Just steer clear.

 

i am extremely analytical and observant and that's a huge problem that i try to fix by staying alone. but literally as i am typing, she is talking to me from her room. and she is the type of person who pays attention to who is paying attention to her. so my replies get analyzed instantly and she knows i'm not listening. there is no nice way of telling her to stop, trust me i tried everything which is why i resorted to being alone and isolating myself in my room. when she is in the living room, i get up and leave physically removing myself. what else can i do?

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so for everyone reading this, i am working on a more "permanent" solution but that'll take time. at this age, i cannot stay at home anymore and about a year ago decided i need to stop my social life in order to save money so i can buy a little apartment somewhere else and move. which is really sad, but this is the only way i see that will keep the sibling relationship from falling apart. i do care about her, but i just can't tolerate her comments, behaviour, instructions, attention-seeking..my mom and i tried so many times to tell her some of the things she does or the way she thinks need work, but she just won't listen to be honest.

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Dysfunction like this involves everyone. Step out stop ganging up on her. She is wise not to listen to either of you. Leave each other alone.

my mom and i tried so many times to tell her some of the things she does or the way she thinks need work, but she just won't listen to be honest.
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Dysfunction like this involves everyone. Step out stop ganging up on her. She is wise not to listen to either of you. Leave each other alone.

 

not wise, stubborn. this is not your judgement call as you know nothing about her. and i just said i literally remove myself from the room and try to avoid her as much as i can. maybe you should read the post again bud.

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Dysfunction like this involves everyone. Step out stop ganging up on her. She is wise not to listen to either of you. Leave each other alone.

 

and if you're thinking of replying to my last post, ask yourself this (if you read the first post), why does she not have a BF/married at 33 (or even had a BF, ever)? my mom and i try to help her work on her issues, so don't be telling me family advice, Wiseman.

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Just trying to talk you off the ledge during this crazy confinement time. Keep in mind this cabin fever thing makes everything worse for everyone.

i just said i literally remove myself from the room and try to avoid her as much as i can.
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that's a good point, i do treat her like an adult and i am not automatically hostile against her. however, the longer the conversation goes between us, more chances of her saying things or behaving in a way that i consider to be childish or immature. i start with treating her like an adult, then she does childish things, or says childish things in response and it ticks me off to see my sister, at her age, is behaving this way. so i try to correct her politely and she rejects furiously. she is on the stubborn side. granted everyone has a degree of stubbornness.

You'd serve both of you better if you learned to be more accepting of who she is, rather than focusing on things you think she needs to change. She is a grown woman after all and you'd be hard pressed trying to re-parent her at this point. Besides, it's not your job.

 

Embrace the differences, even if you don't approve of them. Just because you are a certain way, doesn't make it right. It just makes it different.

 

I get she's not your cup of tea. That goes for a lot of people. Personally, I'd distance myself and give up the power struggles over silly things like the blinds. It would just make my life much more peaceful.

 

Read a book, put in some ear bud and listen to podcasts. Go for a walk. Be kind whenever possible. It goes a long way, especially during a difficult time that two people who are opposites are forced to be together.

 

There is no harm in respectfully telling her that you aren't up to having lengthy conversations

 

Kindness begets kindness

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Your goal here should be to maintain peace. I'm in the same boat with several people in my life such as relatives and in-laws in particular. I don't even like several of them despite being family members. We get together at random and major holidays especially prior to COVID-19 pandemic (lock down / self-quarantine). We've had our rows years ago and fortunately, everyone has since simmered down. However, it was a real PERMANENT deal breaker for me. Once I discover a person's true unsavory colors (character), something inside me got up and left forever. People disappoint me if there is something "off" with them. They don't ring true. They're insincere, unkind, disrespectful, rude, flippant, glib, obnoxious, gaslight me to death and I've heard and seen it all in my lifetime. It was despicable experiences.

 

I've come to the conclusion that a lot of people were not meant to get along in the first place due to insurmountable personality and character differences. No amount of wishes, will, therapy nor professional help will fix it. It's like a wound that continues to fester the more you try to make it work. It's like a cancer in the relationship. Therefore, in order to have control back in my life, all I do is maintain peace.

 

The way to maintain peace is to remove your emotions out of your brain as emotions cloud your judgment. Remain civil, polite, well mannered, respectful, keep your words brief and concise and never become tempted to stoop low as the person whom you're dealing with. Rise above it and keep your cool. Don't engage in stupidity. Learn to exit the conversation swiftly, walk away and end it DIPLOMATICALLY. This is how I am with anyone who doesn't show class and grace. You're the one who has to control yourself and your life and you're the one who has to conduct yourself with dignity and integrity. You're the one who has to take the higher road and be the bigger person. You can't teach an old dog new tricks.

 

Remember, peace is your only ultimate goal to accomplish everyday with everyone whether you live with them or not. Enforce healthy boundaries with everyone in your life. Rise above it.

 

Never feel defeated. Get smarter and become a prudent, shrewd, piercingly astute person. This is how you take control back into your life. Don't be sad. Become intelligent.

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so for instance i like to leave my PS3 controller on the coffee table, she takes liberty in moving it to the TV stand. growing up, she never let anyone touch any item of hers. so why does she touch other peoples'?

 

or the blinds, i like to keep the living room private as in i don't like people peeking in and see what i'm doing. (we live in a new development area and fencing is still not done). she always keeps the room lit and i have to remind her of why i do it, and she just makes fun of me, saying what "privacy"?

 

I will say that you are caught between a rock and a hard place. That said, I think you should not make a mountain out of a molehill regarding some things. For example, what the heck is the big deal with her moving your PS3 controller to the coffee table??? I mean, let's get real here. You're both adults and you're both acting like children. Don't you agree? I'm not taking her side but that is no biggie, IMHO.

 

I with you on the blind issue. But, instead of fighting, ask her if she would consider closing the blinds for a little while during the day or night, whatever the case might be. Consider whether an issue is worth fighting over.

 

She has a right to her opinion and so do you. Don't impose your values on her. Do not speak in anger. If she makes a nasty remark, don't retaliate with a negative or nasty response. Try to keep a calm tone. I know this is hard to do but if you don't, it will increase stress levels and put people on the defensive. When you listen too someone and acknowledge their side, it does not mean that you are caving. Perhaps try and ask her what she thinks regarding a particular situation. Remember, it's not about being right or winning the fight. Good luck, and stay safe.

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You'd serve both of you better if you learned to be more accepting of who she is, rather than focusing on things you think she needs to change. She is a grown woman after all and you'd be hard pressed trying to re-parent her at this point. Besides, it's not your job.

 

Embrace the differences, even if you don't approve of them. Just because you are a certain way, doesn't make it right. It just makes it different.

 

I get she's not your cup of tea. That goes for a lot of people. Personally, I'd distance myself and give up the power struggles over silly things like the blinds. It would just make my life much more peaceful.

 

Read a book, put in some ear bud and listen to podcasts. Go for a walk. Be kind whenever possible. It goes a long way, especially during a difficult time that two people who are opposites are forced to be together.

 

There is no harm in respectfully telling her that you aren't up to having lengthy conversations

 

Kindness begets kindness

 

Amen and well said, reinventmyself : )

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Also, don't argue nor fight. Learn to walk away. Don't engage in a war with words. Remember, keep the peace. Keep a peaceful household.

 

She will be moody. Don't kowtow. Don't walk on eggshells. Act natural, keep your interactions brief, well mannered, respectful, considerate and kind. Don't go overboard with kindness though. Be nice but not too nice. Do whatever it takes to have a peaceful household and learn how to live in a harmonious house to the best of your ability.

 

Be in control of yourself and your own life and make the best of bad situations because that's life. Do it to survive and to save your sanity. This is what I do and it works. It's not a perfect life. However, you can make it a peaceful life for you and your home life.

 

It's the same for everyone whether you live together, work together, in society, family, in-laws, acquaintances or friends. You have to learn how to deal with people no matter who they are and keep the peace with them, maintain peaceful relationships with everyone and know you did the best you could despite difficult, trying and sorely tested circumstances.

 

You don't have to be chummy, warm nor feel close to certain people. Just become a peaceful person and tensions will be reduced significantly. It's not optimal nor ideal but peace is the best of all. Be humble, show humility and remember to always be a peaceful person with other people.

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Sounds like she's bored and not great at occupying herself. Asking her to help you with something, a bigger project that requires something physical, might give her an outlet and a chance for you to build some good will. Everyone loves feeling useful and validated.

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So I live with my sister... She has no friends, no BF, not married, recently laid off due to the outbreak... for all my life i tell her some of the things she does are wrong/not acceptable... also, we have an emotional/verbally abusive mother who basically abused us in our childhood and i think my sister took the major hit mentally.

 

Have you ever considered that the reason your sister has no friends/boyfriend etc is because her self esteem has been completely destroyed by growing up in such an abusive environment? Even as an adult, all she's hearing is how crappy she is. I can well understand how difficult it must be for you when you don't get along with her, but I can't help but have an awful lot of sympathy for your sister too. Although two children grow up with the same parents and family life, it is often the case that one child can have a different experience from the other and you suggest this has happened, so it's possible you don't know the half of it. My brother and I share the same upbringing, but you'd be forgiven for thinking we have different mothers because my experience of her is so very different to his and I'm the one who was negatively affected. Have you ever tried talking to your sister about how she feels about her upbringing and your mother's treatment of you both?

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Good point. Domestic abuse has soared since this confinement thing. Now she is getting it from the mother and the brother.

Have you ever considered that the reason your sister has no friends/boyfriend etc is because her self esteem has been completely destroyed by growing up in such an abusive environment? Even as an adult, all she's hearing is how crappy she is. I
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