jeremiahsain Posted February 24, 2020 Author Share Posted February 24, 2020 It sounds in her state of chronic depression, drama etc she is easy pickings. However that is not good for you or for her. You claim she is 'emotion dumping" but yet you seem to be getting a lot out of feeling needed by her. I don't feel needed by her at all, and I don't think that if she felt like she needed me she would be talking about other guys she's seeing etc. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted February 24, 2020 Share Posted February 24, 2020 I don't feel needed by her at all, and I don't think that if she felt like she needed me she would be talking about other guys she's seeing etc. That is a total mind*ck on her part. I really don't get why you are allowing her to do this to you. She does not give a damn about your feelings. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted February 24, 2020 Share Posted February 24, 2020 She's being a jerk and treating you like a doormat, OP. You desperately need to find your backbone and realize she's not coming back for the reasons you hope. You will never move on if you don't close the door on this screwball. Link to comment
jeremiahsain Posted February 24, 2020 Author Share Posted February 24, 2020 That is a total mind*ck on her part. I really don't get why you are allowing her to do this to you. She does not give a damn about your feelings. I kinda just wanted to act like it didn't bother me at all, and felt like anything else would look like I cared what she was doing. Honestly though, I can't rationalise her intent. I get the whole 'male girlfriend' thing but she also throws plenty in there which makes me think that's not the case. Asking to go on this trip which would mean staying together for multiple nights etc is one of those things. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted February 24, 2020 Share Posted February 24, 2020 "We'd been dating for like 2 years (at Uni) and had our issues, for example I had a higher sex drive, we didn't share too many interests, life goals etc .. but the biggest issue was her depression, which now and again reared its head in a really bad way and she would have major doubts about our relationship during that. Whilst she was staying at mine over the summer this happened again and she left, but she has had these doubts in the past and we've reconciled so I'm wondering if this is something she will regret down the line and try and reach out? I know logically we had a lot of issues, the depression etc kept her in bed so often." What is there about this dynamic that you want to return to? It sounds very unhealthy. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted February 24, 2020 Share Posted February 24, 2020 She's being a jerk and treating you like a doormat, OP. You desperately need to find your backbone and realize she's not coming back for the reasons you hope. You will never move on if you don't close the door on this screwball. I agree! She is using you, and you are being a "doormat." Link to comment
jeremiahsain Posted February 24, 2020 Author Share Posted February 24, 2020 "We'd been dating for like 2 years (at Uni) and had our issues, for example I had a higher sex drive, we didn't share too many interests, life goals etc .. but the biggest issue was her depression, which now and again reared its head in a really bad way and she would have major doubts about our relationship during that. Whilst she was staying at mine over the summer this happened again and she left, but she has had these doubts in the past and we've reconciled so I'm wondering if this is something she will regret down the line and try and reach out? I know logically we had a lot of issues, the depression etc kept her in bed so often." What is there about this dynamic that you want to return to? It sounds very unhealthy. I don't really want to return to it, but there's still feelings there and I can't really rationalise it in any way. I'm not really sure how talking to her makes me feel. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted February 24, 2020 Share Posted February 24, 2020 Stop talking to her. Block her and move on with your life. Link to comment
jeremiahsain Posted February 24, 2020 Author Share Posted February 24, 2020 Another reason I'm kinda hesitant to block/be harsh about it is a few months back she found out I'd suffered a death in the family and was messaging me every day for a while to check on me. So I'd feel kinda bad to completely cut her off without warning. Link to comment
bluecastle Posted February 24, 2020 Share Posted February 24, 2020 I'm not really sure how talking to her makes me feel. I'll take a stab in the dark, if you'll indulge me. Talking to her makes you feel like you "matter." Yeah, it makes you feel all sorts of other things, none of them great, but it does give you that. And there is not a human being on earth who does not want to "matter" to other people, and even the most mature and enlightened among us would like to know that we "mattered" to exes. So when she circles back to you, drops a spicy and wounded avalanche of TMI on you—well, it answers that eternal question: Yeah, you "matter" to her. She's getting the same thing, of course. She's bummed about no longer "mattering" to one dude, about maybe "mattering" to some Tinder dude, and so she turns to you, the tried and true dude who has shown a higher than average threshold for eating dirt, for a little reinforcement, a little hit of "mattering" to someone. Were I to give you both advice it would be the same: there are much, much, much better ways to feel like you "matter" than this. Alas, I have only your eyes and ears at the moment, so to you I say, or ask: Is this what you want to do with your life to feel like you matter? Is having some sway over her that important? Is this where you want to be investing your emotional currency at the dawn of adulthood? No need to answer those questions right away, but I would reflect on them. Link to comment
jeremiahsain Posted February 24, 2020 Author Share Posted February 24, 2020 I'll take a stab in the dark, if you'll indulge me. Talking to her makes you feel like you "matter." Yeah, it makes you feel all sorts of other things, none of them great, but it does give you that. And there is not a human being on earth who does not want to "matter" to other people, and even the most mature and enlightened among us would like to know that we "mattered" to exes. So when she circles back to you, drops a spicy and wounded avalanche of TMI on you—well, it answers that eternal question: Yeah, you "matter" to her. She's getting the same thing, of course. She's bummed about no longer "mattering" to one dude, about maybe "mattering" to some Tinder dude, and so she turns to you, the tried and true dude who has shown a higher than average threshold for eating dirt, for a little reinforcement, a little hit of "mattering" to someone. Were I to give you both advice it would be the same: there are much, much, much better ways to feel like you "matter" than this. Alas, I have only your eyes and ears at the moment, so to you I say, or ask: Is this what you want to do with your life to feel like you matter? Is having some sway over her that important? Is this where you want to be investing your emotional currency at the dawn of adulthood? No wish to answer those questions, but I would reflect on them. I think you're probably pretty accurate with that. It doesn't help that I have very little on atm (waiting on a new job which starts all the way in May) so I'm kinda unhealthily focusing on this whereas if it had happened a month or so ago I would've been able to focus more on other things. I had a similar situation when we originally broke up and I didn't have much on, and then improved massively when I had a lot more going on in my life. I can kinda get very obsessive over something if I'm just sat around twiddling my thumbs and I think thats probably the case here. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted February 24, 2020 Share Posted February 24, 2020 Is it possible, since she's between guys, that you could get lucky? I told her I was driving to visit an old mutual friend and she's asked to join me (it's a very long trip and I will have to stop off etc). Link to comment
jeremiahsain Posted February 24, 2020 Author Share Posted February 24, 2020 Is it possible, since she's between guys, that you could get lucky? Sure, we'd be staying in the same accommodation etc and it could happen, but it's not something I'd really want to happen. I know 100% it wouldn't lead to anything remotely long term and would just re-open old wounds to an even worse extent. Link to comment
goddess Posted February 24, 2020 Share Posted February 24, 2020 Listen, dude, re-read what other posters have written. Don't be her doormat, don't make excuses why you feel bad blocking her, etc. Just stop...breathe, and BLOCK HER!! NOW!!! Do not put yourself in a position to be disrespected. End of story. I don't mean to be harsh, but end things with this woman. You seem like a nice person so get some self-respect, and move on. You deserve better, and you know it! Link to comment
melancholy123 Posted February 24, 2020 Share Posted February 24, 2020 My guess is she's lonely and maybe wants you back. Personally, I'd block and delete her and move on with life. Link to comment
ninjabib Posted February 24, 2020 Share Posted February 24, 2020 Block and delete her. She's got nothing to add to your life in a positive way. She's just feeling sorry for herself now her other lovers gone. Her motives are purely selfish. Link to comment
ninjabib Posted February 24, 2020 Share Posted February 24, 2020 OK your name seemed familiar so I looked back on your posts and you are the guy with the bloody blazer issue. Definitely 10000000% give her no time of day. Why isn't she blocked anyway? Who cares what the mutual friends think. They know how badly she acted. If they are true friends on any level they will know you did nothing wrong! Are you secretly hoping to work things out!? Link to comment
jeremiahsain Posted February 24, 2020 Author Share Posted February 24, 2020 OK your name seemed familiar so I looked back on your posts and you are the guy with the bloody blazer issue. Definitely 10000000% give her no time of day. Why isn't she blocked anyway? Who cares what the mutual friends think. They know how badly she acted. If they are true friends on any level they will know you did nothing wrong! Are you secretly hoping to work things out!? Hahaha I love that I'm remembered as blazer guy! And maybe some stupid sub-conscious part of me does, but it's basically impossible. In a few months I'm moving faaar away for work reasons and regardless I know we did that and it completely failed, would be ridiculous to try it again. Link to comment
MaybeThen Posted February 24, 2020 Share Posted February 24, 2020 Common. People return to contact the most recent person that showed them attention prior to their now-ex. It eases their loneliness, offers them comfort, it’s a familiar place for them. They continue contact until they find a new partner. Link to comment
jeremiahsain Posted February 24, 2020 Author Share Posted February 24, 2020 Common. People return to contact the most recent person that showed them attention prior to their now-ex. It eases their loneliness, offers them comfort, it’s a familiar place for them. They continue contact until they find a new partner. That wouldn't be me. As far as I know she'd had 3 boyfriends since we broke up. (although in fairness, I could be the only one who gives her the time of day..) Link to comment
ninjabib Posted February 24, 2020 Share Posted February 24, 2020 3 boyfriends while you were apart? Where does she find the energy with that crippling depression she's got. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted February 24, 2020 Share Posted February 24, 2020 Well....OP....5 pages of advice later you are refusing to do the one and only rational and sensible thing - block and delete this chic from your life. You've used pretty much every and any excuse .....sooo.....what do you really want? Link to comment
ninjabib Posted February 24, 2020 Share Posted February 24, 2020 She comes back to you because you are the only male with low enough standards to tolerate her nonsense ultimately. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted February 24, 2020 Share Posted February 24, 2020 She can get you to do anything she wants and she knows it. I bet you end up taking her on that trip. You are unable to say "no" to her. Question is, why? What is it about her that makes her a unicorn in your mind? Link to comment
jeremiahsain Posted February 24, 2020 Author Share Posted February 24, 2020 3 boyfriends while you were apart? Where does she find the energy with that crippling depression she's got. I think she uses it as a distraction from the depression/life but quickly gets bored and recycles, although this last one apparently left her. update: I've now blocked her, the last straw was (after I ignored one of her messages) her saying 'I know you don't like this guy (a dude who tried to kiss her while we were together) but he gets my mental health issues and I really need a hug so that's why I'm meeting him'. Couldn't really believe what I was reading and it made me a bit sick. She absolutely knew I'd hate seeing that as I despise the guy. Link to comment
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