Ex reaching out nearly 2 years after

[ninjabib]

I think she uses her depression as an escape from real life and treating people with respect myself.

 

Good for you. Keep her blocked. On Everything.

[jeremiahsain]

She comes back to you because you are the only male with low enough standards to tolerate her nonsense ultimately.

 

 

I don't think this is true, she's an attractive girl and I know she has other guys in her life.

 

 

The reason I think she comes back is because I was her longest term boyfriend and yeah, she knows I still cared enough to talk about her issues.

[DancingFool]

I think she uses it as a distraction from the depression/life but quickly gets bored and recycles, although this last one apparently left her.

 

 

update: I've now blocked her, the last straw was (after I ignored one of her messages) her saying 'I know you don't like this guy (a dude who tried to kiss her while we were together) but he gets my mental health issues and I really need a hug so that's why I'm meeting him'.

 

 

Couldn't really believe what I was reading and it made me a bit sick. She absolutely knew I'd hate seeing that as I despise the guy.

 

Well.....finally. Now be sure she is blocked on everything. All social media, apps, e-mail, etc. Complete purge.

[jeremiahsain]

I think she uses her depression as an escape from real life and treating people with respect myself.

 

Good for you. Keep her blocked. On Everything.

 

 

Probably true and depression was something she blamed a lot for the way she acted when we were together.

 

 

She's blocked on everything now, I think a moment like that was what I needed tbh. Just something so low and out of order that I can't even understand the point of saying it.

[ninjabib]

Physically attractive or not. She's no idea how to treat someone right. Hence her other relationships failing in quick succession one after the other.

[bluecastle]

Terrific.

 

Hopefully this was a little, needed hiccup to be able to see things clearly. She sounds like someone who can serve you very well as a model of what you don't want from people—not romantically, not platonically, not cordially.

 

Without minimizing whatever her mental health issues are, what you're describing is also pretty baseline immaturity. Indulge it and make it a mystery, and all you do is hamper your own growth and stunt your own maturity.

[ninjabib]

Everything is always someone else's fault with this girl. Bad traits to have. In a few months time of radio silence you will look back and be so glad that you are rid of her.

[jeremiahsain]

Worth mentioning that this guy she mentioned seeing is also her best friends ex, and as far as I'm aware she hasn't told her friend about it at all. Just in general doesn't seem to have any sense of how other people feel.

 

 

Thanks to everyone for all the advice, unfortunately I was very stubborn about it and probably did need the shot in the bloody arm that was the message. Again, one of those you just read over and over because you can't actually believe someone has written that and then thought it's ok to press send.

[Hollyj]

Did you also delete her contact info?

[boltnrun]

You definitely have a blind spot when it comes to her.

 

The blocking is a great start. Be sure to also delete her contact info and unfriend and unfollow and then block her from all messaging and social media platforms. Do the same with her parents, friends and other family members.

 

She wants to use you. So make sure she can't.

[jeremiahsain]

Did you also delete her contact info?

 

 

Didn't really have that saved anyway, I deleted her number not that long after we broke up.

 

 

She's blocked on all social media which is the only way we've ever really contacted, I don't have her number anymore but if she tries to text/ring me I'll block that too. Doubt she will, when she sees she is blocked I expect her to move on to someone else.

[jeremiahsain]

You definitely have a blind spot when it comes to her.

 

The blocking is a great start. Be sure to also delete her contact info and unfriend and unfollow and then block her from all messaging and social media platforms. Do the same with her parents, friends and other family members.

 

She wants to use you. So make sure she can't.

 

 

Can't really delete all friends because we have some mutuals who I am very close with, but I know those mutuals won't contact me through her and they have no interest in being involved. The mutual we were going to meet up with on this trip said to me that he didn't think it was remotely a good idea that she comes and he was very dubious about how it would work.

 

But yeah, she's deleted/blocked on all possible social medias and I don't have her contact info. I do have a soft spot for her and pretty much always have, but I guess even that has its limits..

[bluecastle]

Worth mentioning that this guy she mentioned seeing is also her best friends ex, and as far as I'm aware she hasn't told her friend about it at all. Just in general doesn't seem to have any sense of how other people feel.

 

Thanks to everyone for all the advice, unfortunately I was very stubborn about it and probably did need the shot in the bloody arm that was the message. Again, one of those you just read over and over because you can't actually believe someone has written that and then thought it's ok to press send.

 

But dude? If you dig deep you'll see that a text like that has, historically, worked. In ways big and small you have probably validated that kind of behavior from her (as fragility, as mental health issues, as okay because she is smoking hot, as....) over and over and over. It's part of how you two "work," and part of why you broke up.

 

My advice is to be surgical with yourself and see your "soft spot" for her as something else—a little toxic cluster of cells inside of you that needs your attention, so it just sits dormant and anyone who causes those cells to multiply is someone to walk away from. Will save you from future rides on this sort rollercoaster, with her or with facsimiles of her.

[HeartGoesOn]

The most you would get out of this would be a romp in the hay, for a shoulder to cry on. No offense, but I have a hunch you're leaving a door open. With that said, be careful what you wish for.

 

Hopefully you'll make the right choices...

[boltnrun]

Can't really delete all friends because we have some mutuals who I am very close with, but I know those mutuals won't contact me through her and they have no interest in being involved. The mutual we were going to meet up with on this trip said to me that he didn't think it was remotely a good idea that she comes and he was very dubious about how it would work.

 

But yeah, she's deleted/blocked on all possible social medias and I don't have her contact info. I do have a soft spot for her and pretty much always have, but I guess even that has its limits..

 

It's interesting that you'll ignore all your friends' opinions and the advice you receive on this forum, but she takes a dig at you and that finally gets through to you.

 

It shows she has this power over you that you don't seem to be able or want to break.

 

Like I asked before, why is she such a unicorn to you? Why is the combination of "depression" and manipulation she uses so effective over you?

 

I hope you keep her blocked this time, for your own well being.

[MaybeThen]

That wouldn't be me. As far as I know she'd had 3 boyfriends since we broke up.

 

 

(although in fairness, I could be the only one who gives her the time of day..)

 

Ok, they return to any of the people from their past*

 

This is extremely common behavior. Going back to a familiar place, someone who you know will furnish you with attention so you aren’t lonely. That’s what she’s doing.

[jeremiahsain]

It's interesting that you'll ignore all your friends' opinions and the advice you receive on this forum, but she takes a dig at you and that finally gets through to you.

 

It shows she has this power over you that you don't seem to be able or want to break.

 

Like I asked before, why is she such a unicorn to you? Why is the combination of "depression" and manipulation she uses so effective over you?

 

I hope you keep her blocked this time, for your own well being.

 

 

It wasn't that I was ignoring them, it was just that I struggled to see her in a certain light for whatever reason. I was winding down contact before she sent that message but I guess it was the moment that sealed it?

 

 

I can't really answer the other questions, she was my first 'proper' long term relationship so I guess that will have a lot to do with it, and I've struggled a lot since to trust someone/date long term. So I've always had a soft spot for her.

[jeremiahsain]

The most you would get out of this would be a romp in the hay, for a shoulder to cry on. No offense, but I have a hunch you're leaving a door open. With that said, be careful what you wish for.

 

Hopefully you'll make the right choices...

 

 

I think you're probably right that I was leaving the door slightly open before she sent the aforementioned message, but I don't think I could even look at myself in the mirror if I started talking to her again now.

 

I agree though, there was nothing beneficial I could've gotten out of it, even before the message. And that was something I did know but again, for some reason I've struggled badly to act rationally when it comes to her.

[jeremiahsain]

But dude? If you dig deep you'll see that a text like that has, historically, worked. In ways big and small you have probably validated that kind of behavior from her (as fragility, as mental health issues, as okay because she is smoking hot, as....) over and over and over. It's part of how you two "work," and part of why you broke up.

 

My advice is to be surgical with yourself and see your "soft spot" for her as something else—a little toxic cluster of cells inside of you that needs your attention, so it just sits dormant and anyone who causes those cells to multiply is someone to walk away from. Will save you from future rides on this sort rollercoaster, with her or with facsimiles of her.

 

 

Yeah, that's all fair. It's definitely weird and wrong that I still viewed her in this way and gave her attention even though she was a terrible girlfriend and a terrible ex.

 

 

Think she has probably got worse since we dated, as I definitely enabled the hell out of her behaviour, so it doesn't surprise me she's had multiple other failed relationships. Guess I have to work out why I was stupid enough to put up with it.

[Wiseman2]

You are talking to her every day now. It's better to admit that you are attached to her that to have this mental battle within yourself. You are the causality in that battle.

I don't think I could even look at myself in the mirror if I started talking to her again now.

[jeremiahsain]

You are talking to her every day now. It's better to admit that you are attached to her that to have this mental battle within yourself. You are the causality in that battle.

 

 

I'm not anymore. Since she sent that message I've blocked her and completely stopped contact.

 

 

I can openly admit there was/is clearly still some attachment there, but that message completely killed the last bit of belief I had that she was a decent person, which I had been clinging on to.

[bluecastle]

I can openly admit there was/is clearly still some attachment there, but that message completely killed the last bit of belief I had that she was a decent person, which I had been clinging on to.

 

Feelings are complicated, beating to their own drum. What I mean? Her message was enough to anger you, hurt you, and right now that anger and hurt provided some power to block, to take the same comfort in labeling her "indecent" as you did "decent." That's a start, but only a start.

 

Because a day from now, a week from now? You will be less angry, less hurt, and you'll likely have softer thoughts and feelings about her. Which is a good thing, since anger and hurt are feeling to feel, and let go of, not cling to as a compass. Tricky part is not responding to all these shifts, to just being able to settle on a sad story that this is not a person who serves your present life.

 

Very few people on this world are 100 percent decent or 100 percent indecent. But some, thanks to who they are, who we are, and whatever history we have with them, are simply indecent for us. She is one such person, to you, as I think you are to her. Hopefully you can come to just see it like that, so whatever feelings you feel about her—rage and disgust today, something gentler down the line—are just that: feelings to feel, not to react to.

[jeremiahsain]

Feelings are complicated, beating to their own drum. What I mean? Her message was enough to anger you, hurt you, and right now that anger and hurt provided some power to block, to take the same comfort in labeling her "indecent" as you did "decent." That's a start, but only a start.

 

Because a day from now, a week from now? You will be less angry, less hurt, and you'll likely have softer thoughts and feelings about her. Which is a good thing, since anger and hurt are feeling to feel, and let go of, not cling to as a compass. Tricky part is not responding to all these shifts, to just being able to settle on a sad story that this is not a person who serves your present life.

 

Very few people on this world are 100 percent decent or 100 percent indecent. But some, thanks to who they are, who we are, and whatever history we have with them, are simply indecent for us. She is one such person, to you, as I think you are to her. Hopefully you can come to just see it like that, so whatever feelings you feel about her—rage and disgust today, something gentler down the line—are just that: feelings to feel, not to react to.

 

 

I think in general it's just clear she isn't remotely good to have in my life. Every time she's come back in to it I've had an initial buzz and it's quickly replaced by the reality of what maintaining a relationship with her is like. The previous times I've kind of accepted that but on this occasion she's probably done me a favour by giving me the push I needed.

 

Hopefully I won't think too much of her going in to the future. At the moment (as mentioned earlier in the thread) I'm waiting for a new job to start in May, so I have little on and too much time to think, so that hasn't helped. There was a good period between the breakup/recontact where I didn't even think of her at all so the aim is to get back to that as soon as possible, and blocking her helps a lot.

 

I don't necessarily feel rage at her, disgust is definitely probably the best way to describe it. Disgust that she would be aware of how I feel about this guy, but would still cross that line anyway. I can't be in her head so have no idea why she said it and never will, but I just can't rationalise it. Ah well..

[bluecastle]

This is one of those things that I think is best reduced to the nitty gritty. As in: she is someone who triggers in you, and probably always will, a mix of disgust and attraction. You kind of can't stand her or who you are when she is near you, but, on the other hand, you kind of want to be naked with her, be wanted by her.

 

Happens. Human.

 

I want to smoke at least half a pack of cigarettes every day, and I suspect that will be somewhat true for the rest of my life, because I think cigarettes are awesome and delicious: a little dose of death that makes me feel alive. At the same time, I also think cigarettes are disgusting, am very aware that they are very bad for me, and stopped smoking them years ago. I'm at peace with that contradiction. Is what it is.

 

This is what it is. Put it in a box, seal the edges, and live your life. Good lesson here? Cultivate some things in your life that deliver a dose of spice and drama and let you itch your obsessive tendencies that have nothing to do with women. Makes these down times, of which there will be millions, much more manageable, even straight up thrilling, but without the whiplash.

[jeremiahsain]

This is one of those things that I think is best reduced to the nitty gritty. As in: she is someone who triggers in you, and probably always will, a mix of disgust and attraction. You kind of can't stand her or who you are when she is near you, but, on the other hand, you kind of want to be naked with her, be wanted by her.

 

Happens. Human.

 

I want to smoke at least half a pack of cigarettes every day, and I suspect that will be somewhat true for the rest of my life, because I think cigarettes are awesome and delicious: a little dose of death that makes me feel alive. At the same time, I also think cigarettes are disgusting, am very aware that they are very bad for me, and stopped smoking them years ago. I'm at peace with that contradiction. Is what it is.

 

This is what it is. Put it in a box, seal the edges, and live your life. Good lesson here? Cultivate some things in your life that deliver a dose of spice and drama and let you itch your obsessive tendencies that have nothing to do with women. Makes these down times, of which there will be millions, much more manageable, even straight up thrilling, but without the whiplash.

 

 

Yeah, I think that's all probably true!

 

 

I've got stuff coming up which will help a lot, its just the last couple of weeks that have been real quiet and given me waaayy too much time to obsess/dwell on the past or whatever. I pretty much always get like this when left to this kind of situation.