Can co-sleeping destroy my marriage?

[tattoobunnie]

I find generally, you will never have to "play" the comparison game when you have two parents who are on the same page and feel they are both contributing their share.

 

But you have to remember, you may just be lucky. Not everyone lucks out, and there are plenty of scenarios that become very very lopsided.

[reinventmyself]

I never bought that whole contest about whose job is harder - it depends on the couple, what job/career the working spouse has, the situation at home, etc. I've been a nanny, babysitter, teacher,daycare worker and corporate professional and SAHM (although we were not home so much and I rarely stayed in one place) - and I think the comparison game leads to nothing productive particularly in a marriage.

 

Well, having done both - Being a stay at home mom for 13 years with no help and now working. Hands down, going to work everyday, even with a demanding job is a heck of a lot easier than raising babies.

Just sayin'

 

I wouldn't have traded it for the world. But it was the most challenging and most rewarding thing I've ever done.

 

But I did feel kinda hoodwinked when I went back to work, recalling all the complaining my ex did that he had to go to work. It's kind of a scam, really (IMO)

 

Yet the times he did stay with the boys, he'd say `No wonder you're so crazy' `I don't know how you do this all day'

 

I think that was a compliment? . .hmmm:tongue:

[Batya33]

Well, having done both - Being a stay at home mom for 13 years with no help and now working. Hands down, going to work everyday, even with a demanding job is a heck of a lot easier than raising babies.

Just sayin'

 

I wouldn't have traded it for the world. But it was the most challenging and most rewarding thing I've ever done.

 

But I did feel kinda hoodwinked when I went back to work, recalling all the complaining my ex did that he had to go to work. It's kind of a scam, really (IMO)

 

Yet the times he did stay with the boys, he'd say `No wonder you're so crazy' `I don't know how you do this all day'

 

I think that was a compliment? . .hmmm:tongue:

 

Yes it depends on the job, why you're doing that job, why you stayed home. When I did my full time job there was intense stress, pressure, sleep deprivation - all of which prepared me a great deal for being a SAHM. Now that I am part time in a much lower stress environment the time I am full time with my son often is harder than my job. My husband does not complain in that way about work. He complains about certain specific situations at work from time to time. I would not have liked if he complained about working when I was at home full time. He didn't do that. I have had to point out to him a number of times -which is really, really annoying!!! - how much I work when I am solo parenting when he travels. I have to point that out when he wants to chat during my ten minute or less break, etc. and when I have to remind him "why" I desperately need space to have one meal alone, at home when he finally returns.

 

Again to me it's so often apples, oranges, individual factors so I don't like to play the general comparison game. Also I know of a number of SAHM who take it on themselves to do lots of crafts, make all their own baby food, decorate and redecorate nurseries, sign up for all sorts of fancy classes where they have to drag the child and all their "stuff" all over the place on a specific time schedule, who require a spotless house including the baseboards, etc - so it depends how you do the job, what your standards are, what your partner's standards are - my husband never cared if I prepared food or not for him, didn't care about the cleanliness/clutter in the house and I had no interest in any kind pinterest type crafts, activities or having my home or his nursery/room look a certain way. Or that his socks matched or mine. I am NOT saying you did just pointing out all the individual factors.

[j.man]

Yes it depends on the job, why you're doing that job, why you stayed home. When I did my full time job there was intense stress, pressure, sleep deprivation - all of which prepared me a great deal for being a SAHM. Now that I am part time in a much lower stress environment the time I am full time with my son often is harder than my job. My husband does not complain in that way about work. He complains about certain specific situations at work from time to time. I would not have liked if he complained about working when I was at home full time. He didn't do that. I have had to point out to him a number of times -which is really, really annoying!!! - how much I work when I am solo parenting when he travels. I have to point that out when he wants to chat during my ten minute or less break, etc. and when I have to remind him "why" I desperately need space to have one meal alone, at home when he finally returns.

 

Again to me it's so often apples, oranges, individual factors so I don't like to play the general comparison game. Also I know of a number of SAHM who take it on themselves to do lots of crafts, make all their own baby food, decorate and redecorate nurseries, sign up for all sorts of fancy classes where they have to drag the child and all their "stuff" all over the place on a specific time schedule, who require a spotless house including the baseboards, etc - so it depends how you do the job, what your standards are, what your partner's standards are - my husband never cared if I prepared food or not for him, didn't care about the cleanliness/clutter in the house and I had no interest in any kind pinterest type crafts, activities or having my home or his nursery/room look a certain way. Or that his socks matched or mine. I am NOT saying you did just pointing out all the individual factors.

I've had quite a few conversations with my mother and sister during the family planning process. Mom's a hairstylist turned journeyman electrician. Said former definitely easier. Latter definitely not. Sister's got 4 daughters under 4 years old. Before worked as a treatment aide of sorts in a home for adults with mental disabilities. Says she could pop out triplets tomorrow and it'd probably still be easier. Wife's a clinician, so it'll be interesting what comparisons she draws. I'll be the SAH, though, so I guess I just gotta see how it stacks up against Fallujah.

[Batya33]

I've had quite a few conversations with my mother and sister during the family planning process. Mom's a hairstylist turned journeyman electrician. Said former definitely easier. Latter definitely not. Sister's got 4 daughters under 4 years old. Before worked as a treatment aide of sorts in a home for adults with mental disabilities. Says she could pop out triplets tomorrow and it'd probably still be easier. Wife's a clinician, so it'll be interesting what comparisons she draws. I'll be the SAH, though, so I guess I just gotta see how it stacks up against Fallujah.

 

Yes. Just wanted to point out that at least for me there was not much Staying in one place or being at Home (again because I prioritized being out and about and exploring when it wasn't nap time in the crib and because I did not prioritize cooking or cleaning although I did both -nor did i, or could I really ,entertain at home).

[Seraphim]

Going out was really traumatic for my son everything made him scream. Sun, wind,rain, etc etc... people, noise. I mean I obviously had to at some points but it was never a pleasant experience. Still isn’t 90% of the time and he is an adult. He still has EXTREME sensory avoidance.

[Cherylyn]

I was very fortunate because I had a support network. Several of my close friends brought home cooked dinners to my house after I came home from the hospital with both newborn sons.

 

Despite my mother's full time employment and long commute, she still managed to bring home cooked dinners to my house every week for the first year after each son was born.

 

My MIL and FIL (mother and father-in-law) bought clothes and shoes for both sons from newborn to throughout their school years which saved me a bundle on their clothing budget.

 

My mother and in-laws bought a lot of practical baby supplies, equipment and household items for me. They were a godsend. I can never forget their generosity.

 

My husband has always been an immense help since day one.

 

Bagrich, you will survive however way you figure out your sleeping arrangement with your newborn. Hope your husband is understanding and will make this transition into new parenthood easier and smoother for you by being cooperative.

 

Having said that, keep in mind, especially as an employed man (or woman), sleep deprivation is very real and needs serious consideration in order to be fair for the mother and father. Safety is # 1.

[RayRay63]

I find generally, you will never have to "play" the comparison game when you have two parents who are on the same page and feel they are both contributing their share.

 

But you have to remember, you may just be lucky. Not everyone lucks out, and there are plenty of scenarios that become very very lopsided.

 

Your posts (not just this one) in this thread remind me, unfortunately, of my first wife.

 

She was of the opinion that after I had left to go to work at 0630, and arrived home at about 1930 hrs, my arrival was an opportunity for her to "take a break" and I could look after the little ones (2 x

 

At some point I decided to try coming home early, but bring home some work that I could do later in the evening once the children were asleep, to make her happier.

 

How do you think that went?

[Seraphim]

So moms should never have a break ?

[RayRay63]

I didn't say that.

 

What I do say, ladies, is that if your compatible partner/child father is one who can devote some long hours per day, alongside work, with parenting, then partner with a guy who works 9-5.

 

Do not partner with a guy who is working 12-16 hours a day as a self employed professional/business owner, and expect him to do equal time with you at home.

 

You can't have both.

 

This, by the way, is an anecdotal, not pejorative, viewpoint.

[Batya33]

I was very fortunate because I had a support network. Several of my close friends brought home cooked dinners to my house after I came home from the hospital with both newborn sons.

 

Despite my mother's full time employment and long commute, she still managed to bring home cooked dinners to my house every week for the first year after each son was born.

 

My MIL and FIL (mother and father-in-law) bought clothes and shoes for both sons from newborn to throughout their school years which saved me a bundle on their clothing budget.

 

My mother and in-laws bought a lot of practical baby supplies, equipment and household items for me. They were a godsend. I can never forget their generosity.

 

My husband has always been an immense help since day one.

 

Bagrich, you will survive however way you figure out your sleeping arrangement with your newborn. Hope your husband is understanding and will make this transition into new parenthood easier and smoother for you by being cooperative.

 

Having said that, keep in mind, especially as an employed man (or woman), sleep deprivation is very real and needs serious consideration in order to be fair for the mother and father. Safety is # 1.

 

I didn't have that at all and knew that I would not have that at all from the moment we started trying to conceive (took over a year) and I knew what I was getting into. I would not have liked home cooked dinners brought over because I'm not a person who feels comfortable having food from someone else's home or having to eat what someone else chose for me (both for sensitive stomach reasons and dietary concerns). There was one cousin who when she lived nearby cooked me dinner when I was pregnant which was great and brought a pizza over when I had the newborn.

 

This is why I say it's individual. My husband never worked only 9 to 5 weekdays. I did -for about 1.5 years after college well before marriage/kids. My work for 15 years pre-child was well above 40 hours a week, often 24/7 on call, unpredictable. Husband very similar.

 

I think all people who work deserve a break. My husband like RayRay returned to working after the baby went to sleep -from home -worked fine for us-no resentment because he worked best late at night anyway. I did expect him to help for an hour or less when he came home which in the early days was around 45 minutes before the baby/toddler's bedtime. Now he comes home around 2 hours before the typical bedtime and is happy to jump in then.

[Wiseman2]

Get to a marriage therapist to discuss disagreements and appropriate compromises and ask your pediatrician about an infant sleeping in the same bed. It's that simple. Stop using trendy terms and communicate clearly. Child in the room is different than child in the bed. Alternatively your husband can sleep in the guest room or you can sleep in the nursery.

 

You are creating a lot more nonsense and turmoil over this than there needs to be, so marriage therapy sounds like the best option for you. Why wage a war over this? Isn't having a newborn enough stress without picking each other apart?

 

This is about your child not the political, cultural, financial and breadwinner woes of the world. Who cares? They are not raising your child. When it's turned into that who loses...that's right...the newborn and your marriage. Do not get involved in internet debates over politics, gender roles and other nonsense. Ask your doctor and compromise with your husband and most of all get to marriage therapy.

I planned on our little one being in our room for a least several months. She is only 2 weeks old.

[Seraphim]

I didn't say that.

 

What I do say, ladies, is that if your compatible partner/child father is one who can devote some long hours per day, alongside work, with parenting, then partner with a guy who works 9-5.

 

Do not partner with a guy who is working 12-16 hours a day as a self employed professional/business owner, and expect him to do equal time with you at home.

 

You can't have both.

 

This, by the way, is an anecdotal, not pejorative, viewpoint.

 

Well, I am working at this moment, my husband is sitting there mowing down his breakfast and 2 hours after he comes home I am still working. As a business owner I get no breaks during the day.

 

When I was breastfeeding my son every hour and a half 24/7 for 14 months I also got no break. Believe me that is exhausting work . My husband got many breaks. He also got to leave with work from the time my son was 8 until he was 15 with NO parental responsibilities AT ALL. I was a one woman show with working and a child with a disability so I can’t say I cry a river if someone is tired after work. I am too believe me. Now after raising my own kid I have a daycare 12 hours a day helping to raise other people’s kids. I AM TIRED. He gets time off for golf during work. The gym during work. Lunches for retirements with dignity during work. 6 weeks off which he gets paid for all. He gets paid 365 days a year. If I am sick I lose $35O a day. So yeah , I am not crying.

[Seraphim]

I will say though my husband while being in the military does also have his own business shovelling snow and cutting grass which is weather dependent. He also works at our community centre in the youth centre two nights a week. So I realize he is busy too. But he has a nap in between job while I am STILL working from 6:30 AM.

 

The week I clean and sanitize my daycare and food shop for my daycare so no break there. Then I go to choir practice and sing at Church and rinse and repeat.

 

We are both exhausted. I’m not gonna cry a river because he’s a man at work.

[RayRay63]

I hope you feel better after venting.

 

I've been self employed since 1989, by the way.

[SherrySher]

When I was breastfeeding my son every hour and a half 24/7 for 14 months I also got no break. Believe me that is exhausting work . My husband got many breaks. He also got to leave with work from the time my son was 8 until he was 15 with NO parental responsibilities AT ALL. I was a one woman show with working and a child with a disability so I can’t say I cry a river if someone is tired after work. I am too believe me

 

Here here!!

 

RayRay, you cannot expect a woman to do it all 24/7 with a newborn, nor should you. That's not fair and a woman will become not only thoroughly exhausted but very unhappy feeling like she is taking care of the baby completely on her own.

[RayRay63]

Here here!!

 

RayRay, you cannot expect a woman to do it all 24/7 with a newborn, nor should you. That's not fair and a woman will become not only thoroughly exhausted but very unhappy feeling like she is taking care of the baby completely on her own.

 

Please don't strawman me. I never said that. Please read what I said, before you comment.

[Seraphim]

I will say my husband is much much better as a parent now when my son was young he was pretty useless. Every time he was in his father’s care he got hurt. He got dropped in a tub of scalding water. Fell off a TV stand and got a bloody face for his first birthday pictures. My husband left him alone in the tub at 8 months and he chewed on a razor and cut up his mouth. He was utterly hopeless and a danger to his child. I was the one up when he was sleepwalking and I was up when he was up for the day at 4:30. Plus I had to work 7:30 AM.

[Batya33]

I will say my husband is much much better as a parent now when my son was young he was pretty useless. Every time he was in his father’s care he got hurt. He got dropped in a tub of scalding water. Fell off a TV stand and got a bloody face for his first birthday pictures. My husband left him alone in the tub at 8 months and he chewed on a razor and cut up his mouth. He was utterly hopeless and a danger to his child. I was the one up when he was sleepwalking and I was up when he was up for the day at 4:30. Plus I had to work 7:30 AM.

 

Oh that is terrible!! I had to teach my husband -in a firm way -I was sleep deprived and frustrated - that no I wasn't being overprotective in requiring him to have at least part of his hand on the infant while changing a diaper on a bed. And never turning away. He didn't believe me that this was essential. But luckily he did. Nothing happened to the baby. This is what I meant by individual situations. It depends on who is home full time (if anyone is), and what the other parent does for work/situation/abilities to care for child.

[Batya33]

Here here!!

 

RayRay, you cannot expect a woman to do it all 24/7 with a newborn, nor should you. That's not fair and a woman will become not only thoroughly exhausted but very unhappy feeling like she is taking care of the baby completely on her own.

 

I could not agree with this more. Particularly given the prevalence of PPD and PPA.

[Seraphim]

Oh that is terrible!! I had to teach my husband -in a firm way -I was sleep deprived and frustrated - that no I wasn't being overprotective in requiring him to have at least part of his hand on the infant while changing a diaper on a bed. And never turning away. He didn't believe me that this was essential. But luckily he did. Nothing happened to the baby. This is what I meant by individual situations. It depends on who is home full time (if anyone is), and what the other parent does for work/situation/abilities to care for child.

 

My husband was just so so so lost in his mental illnesses he couldn’t do anything.

[RayRay63]

I could not agree with this more. Particularly given the prevalence of PPD and PPA.

 

Good thing I didn't say that then.

[Jibralta]

I’m sorry but posts like this make my eyes roll to the back of my skull.

 

Right, whoever he is, whatever he does, he needs to be well-rested for 'more important' tasks than taking care of a newborn human life lol

[Seraphim]

I will say my husband is a great dad now and built a strong relationship with his son in our son’s teen years and now as an adult and takes him to every place he needs to go and they have father and son days every few months.

[j.man]

Right, whoever he is, whatever he does, he needs to be well-rested for 'more important' tasks than taking care of a newborn human life lol

Nobody said anything about importance ~*snort*~.

 

It's about the cognitive capacity necessary and the consequences of its lagging between the two roles. Apparently you have people like Vic's husband who were / are abject failures in their supporting role. But insofar as the working spouse is a decent one, they should be taking advantage of the extra rest afforded to be the one of a sound enough body and mind to safely drive the car (particularly if ever with the kid in it), not be a workplace hazard, guarantee an income, run around town and do the errands that need doing, handle household chores, etc.

 

Especially in situations like Vic's, where she's awake every 1.5 hours no matter what as the husband lacks the parts necessary to nurse the kid, and the OP who isn't trying to really gain anymore sleep, but rather have both of them wake up to the baby, it makes absolutely zero sense beyond misery loving company to forfeit the clear benefit to the partnership of-- at least insofar as the mother's going to be exhausted regardless-- having one of them having the rest to operate somewhat at capacity.

 

Obviously things change once you can start bottle feeding the kid. Then you can much more easily organize shifts that benefit both parents and their respective duties. But for those first weeks that are undoubtedly biologically "unfair" to the woman, there's not a whole lot the other spouse can do besides making absolutely certain providing direct care to the baby is the entire scope of what the mother needs to focus on, of course while taking care of the kid when and where he's got the anatomy to once he's home for the evening.

 

But not rear ending other cars or smashing the cherry picker into the warehouse catwalk because your brain's only operating at 50% is most definitely inclusive to the task of taking care of the newborn human life.