Can co-sleeping destroy my marriage?

[Batya33]

Good thing I didn't say that then.

 

No you didn't. Neither did I.

[itsallgrand]

Seems like piss poor communication and already there's an adversarial attitude rather than working as a team.

I'm not a parent, which renders my opinion void to some people, but where the baby is going to sleep seems like a rather simple decision you'd make before baby comes even close to joining the world.

You said " I planned " then " I decided to move her next to me " ...I just hope you aren't starting to treat the family like( you and the baby, and dad and his work ). I've seen way too many moms take this stance and it's really toxic !

 

It is much ado about nothing, except there were probably already underlying issues between you and your husband prior to make this such a fight already.

 

I sure hope you don't go ahead and being the baby into the bed knowing your husband is against it ( with good reasons).

[Batya33]

Nobody said anything about importance ~*snort*~.

 

It's about the cognitive capacity necessary and the consequences of its lagging between the two roles. Apparently you have people like Vic's husband who were / are abject failures in their supporting role. But insofar as the working spouse is a decent one, they should be taking advantage of the extra rest afforded to be the one of a sound enough body and mind to safely drive the car (particularly if ever with the kid in it), not be a workplace hazard, guarantee an income, run around town and do the errands that need doing, handle household chores, etc.

 

Especially in situations like Vic's, where she's awake every 1.5 hours no matter what as the husband lacks the parts necessary to nurse the kid, and the OP who isn't trying to really gain anymore sleep, but rather have both of them wake up to the baby, it makes absolutely zero sense beyond misery loving company to forfeit the clear benefit to the partnership of-- at least insofar as the mother's going to be exhausted regardless-- having one of them having the rest to operate somewhat at capacity.

 

Obviously things change once you can start bottle feeding the kid. Then you can much more easily organize shifts that benefit both parents and their respective duties. But for those first weeks that are undoubtedly biologically "unfair" to the woman, there's not a whole lot the other spouse can do besides making absolutely certain providing direct care to the baby is the entire scope of what the mother needs to focus on, of course while taking care of the kid when and where he's got the anatomy to once he's home for the evening.

 

But not rear ending other cars or smashing the cherry picker into the warehouse catwalk because your brain's only operating at 50% is most definitely inclusive to the task of taking care of the newborn human life.

 

Yes. We do this even now. So our son is older - 10! - and that means still that if he is sick/has a nightmare he might need one of us in the middle of the night. Sometimes he wakes one of us and not both - and in rare cases, we know that that might mean the other one gets awakened to take care of whatever in a situation where one of us needs to be more alert the next day for something going on at work. I've woken up some mornings to find my husband asleep on a mattress in our son's room because he knew that I'd have to be up by 6 and he could sleep in till past 9 so it made sense for him to bear the brunt. No way would we both be up unless it was a situation that required two adults (so rare). We don't keep score (although we did in the very beginning meaning we divvied up who was going to do the night feedings but not in a "make sure it's fair" -just common sense/practicalities) in that sense -it's about caring about each other and basic logic. I do not want him tired in particular for certain aspects of his job. This also means that the couple should discuss who is better at what task and likes doing certain tasks. My husband joked halfway that I was much better at putting pants on the baby and he was much better at putting the crib or playpen together when we traveled.

 

But it's about putting egos aside and being humble and thoughtful because sleep deprivation can suck that out of you - so it's about self-talk too and minimizing the escalation based on crankiness/irritability. It's hard but it's worth it to avoid world war 2 over the effects of 90 degree weather on new bottles of formula. For example um "asking for a friend."

[Jibralta]

Nobody said anything about importance ~*snort*~.

 

I beg to differ.

 

He has an off day at work from a lack of sleep, he gets fired and your family is out an income. Not to minimize the importance or difficulty, but you have an off day, dishes don't get done or groceries don't get bought.

[reinventmyself]

Right, whoever he is, whatever he does, he needs to be well-rested for 'more important' tasks than taking care of a newborn human life lol

 

Seriously. Let's pity the soul that works a 12 or 16 hour day and compare that to the 24 hr commitment it takes to raise a newborn.

 

Outside of that, I am pretty sure (because I have done both) that the person that goes to work gets a lunch break, personal breaks, human interaction, camaraderie and days that are slow.

 

In comparison to a new mother, where basic human needs, such as sleeping and personal hygiene gets put on the back burner, somewhere. But god forbid we don't disturb the working husband in the middle of the night.

 

Being a new parent is the most selfless thing you will ever do.

Unless you've done it, then you just don't know.

Everyone is the house needs to adjust, whatever that may look like.

 

OK. . done with my rant

[reinventmyself]

I notice people here sometimes gravitate to subjects that are sensitive to their own personal life. When it hits a nerve they lash out, lose objectivity and then hide behind a big bark and fancy words.

[Batya33]

I think newborns very often are a 24/7 job and depending on the child this can last days/weeks/months. No one parent should have to tackle it alone. Often the other parent (typically dad) can take some paternity leave and/or bank vacation time, etc -and that parent should if there is no baby nurse or grandparent/sib/family member to be the other adult. My friend just gave birth to her second child. First one is 3 years old. They then moved from the middle east to the United States. Husband had to go right back to work and business travel. From what I understand for the first month at least either his parents or hers stayed with her to help. I do not think he "chose" to go right back to work -it was just the reality. But I do know that they both made these plans to have her have the other adults to help/resources. I cannot imagine her trying to do that on her own. And I'm sure glad she did not have to. Nor do I begrudge her husband for not being able to take time off for the baby.

[ThatwasThen]

... anyway: Op, have you figured out, with the help and brainstorming of your husband how the two of you can come to a workable compromise that will work for the two of You?

 

I'm interested in hearing how you two can work it out as a team.

[j.man]

Is this directed at me?

What's up with the personal jabs?

It's an analogous retort. Applying anecdote to pretty egregiously generalize the working experience of other folks. I'm assuming you never pulled 72-hour QRF shifts in the height of IED season in the Anbar province, but I won't assume your job ~as a mother~ was any more or less difficult. That's not any complaint or a "gotcha." The bottom line is everything's subjective and you don't earn a chip on a shoulder for life events and occupations you volunteer for. Dismissing the proportional work experiences and efforts of others because you've had a cushioned enough work life to assume balanced work breaks, facebook time, and "slow days" is honestly more than a tiny bit obtuse.

 

There are a lot of folks out there who go through hell financially supporting their spouse and family. And not just that, but living every day with the pressure of losing the privilege, especially when sleep deprived and knowing just how well game-breaking mistakes can be made. Often enough, these mistakes can seriously injure or kill folks in the workplace, or more universally, on the road. Probably not the easiest for those living the office life to contextualize. It doesn't take an expensive FIOS plan to get access to these forums. It's best not to assume folks are coming from a background of 5-minute bike rides to their bank cubicle.

[Batya33]

I hesitate to raise this because there is no easy solution and multitudes of opinions - including my own - but some would say that the real issue is not a marital/couple one but the luck of the draw of where you live/pay taxes. I.e. maternity/family leave in the US as compared to Europe for example (yes I know that in the countries where there is much longer for maternity leave there also are downsides like higher taxes ,etc -again no easy answer.

 

But imagine how much simpler the solutions are within a marriage when the external resources are there? (I only had 12 weeks leave and only that much because of where I worked, plus I banked some vacation on top of that,plus I ended up not returning).

[BecxyRex]

Just going to throw in my 2 cents again. I’ve been stay at home with a newborn for 3-4 months and afterwards a working parent. Staying at home with a newborn is hard for sure, I’ve lived it. However, newborns nap frequently during the day, so when that baby closes their eyes, so do you. It’s not easy at first, but if you train yourself to not be bothered by dust collecting and dishes piling up, it’s seriously not that hard, if your child is otherwise healthy.

I’d never want to risk my spouse driving sleep deprived or making horrible decisions at work. If you’re that tired where you’re dropping your Baby during the day then clearly you need more help and if you can’t discuss this with your husband you need couples therapy.

[Seraphim]

We don’t know how much this newborn sleeps though. Lord knows mine didn’t. They finally started drugging him to sleep at 7 years old because he slept 4 hours a day at that point. I was almost virtually insane and sobbing from lack of sleep.

[BecxyRex]

I’m just going by an average, if there are no other conditions going on. Most newborns sleep every few hours during the day. My daughter was always very hard to put down and was always called “very alert”. She got overstimulated easily etc, so by no means a baby who would fall asleep during stroller rides. I just learned how she ticked and what would get her to snooze. For us it was breastfeeding or having the oven vent on while rocking. No doubt it’s hard, but there are definitely opportunities to get some shut eye, while at work that’s impossible.

Key is to work as a team. She takes over nights during the week for example, while he cuts her some slack on weekends, when a bottle is introduced. It simply makes no sense for both of them to suffer equally at night when there is simply no need.

[Batya33]

Just going to throw in my 2 cents again. I’ve been stay at home with a newborn for 3-4 months and afterwards a working parent. Staying at home with a newborn is hard for sure, I’ve lived it. However, newborns nap frequently during the day, so when that baby closes their eyes, so do you. It’s not easy at first, but if you train yourself to not be bothered by dust collecting and dishes piling up, it’s seriously not that hard, if your child is otherwise healthy.

I’d never want to risk my spouse driving sleep deprived or making horrible decisions at work. If you’re that tired where you’re dropping your Baby during the day then clearly you need more help and if you can’t discuss this with your husband you need couples therapy.

 

It really can be so hard to relax enough -especially if you are overtired -to "sleep when the baby sleeps". It depends if you're a good sleeper and I know having a newborn kept my body on high alert -was so hard to sleep especially under pressure when he was sleeping.

[Seraphim]

I was never a good sleeper. I have had insomnia for 40 years. Having a baby made it a thousand times worse. He is 22 and I STILL sleep with one eyeball open and one ear alert. That never leaves.

 

I will admit to being a perfectionist when he was a baby. All his little clothes had to be neatly folded perfectly in his dresser by outfit with matching socks ,hats ,bootes you name it everything matched and was in little piles in the drawers. The entire house had to be cleaned vacuumed and bleached every day. Plus I had a major haemorrhage when he was born which took me six months to get over. I should’ve had a blood transfusion but my doctor went against that. I was like a limp dishrag for half a year. I was entirely devoted to his every need at any second. I am still the same. My son is my everything.

[reinventmyself]

It's an analogous retort. Applying anecdote to pretty egregiously generalize the working experience of other folks. I'm assuming you never pulled 72-hour QRF shifts in the height of IED season in the Anbar province, but I won't assume your job ~as a mother~ was any more or less difficult. That's not any complaint or a "gotcha." The bottom line is everything's subjective and you don't earn a chip on a shoulder for life events and occupations you volunteer for. Dismissing the proportional work experiences and efforts of others because you've had a cushioned enough work life to assume balanced work breaks, facebook time, and "slow days" is honestly more than a tiny bit obtuse.

 

There are a lot of folks out there who go through hell financially supporting their spouse and family. And not just that, but living every day with the pressure of losing the privilege, especially when sleep deprived and knowing just how well game-breaking mistakes can be made. Often enough, these mistakes can seriously injure or kill folks in the workplace, or more universally, on the road. Probably not the easiest for those living the office life to contextualize. It doesn't take an expensive FIOS plan to get access to these forums. It's best not to assume folks are coming from a background of 5-minute bike rides to their bank cubicle.

Out of decency, I would never dare assume what it's like for you. Please give me the same courtesy and then come back AFTER you've actually had a child and let us know if you still feel the same way.

I've never personally insulted you. Not sure why you think you're entitled. Especially in light of your minimal life experiences on the subjects covered here on this thread.

Out. . .

[j.man]

Just. . .can't

Unsurprising.

[SherrySher]

We don’t know how much this newborn sleeps though. Lord knows mine didn’t. They finally started drugging him to sleep at 7 years old because he slept 4 hours a day at that point. I was almost virtually insane and sobbing from lack of sleep.

 

I had a colicky baby, that's a whole other experience. Sounds like you've had similar issues, Seraphim. It's sure not easy. I think I slept about 3-4 hours per night for at least two months, no joke. My little one rarely settled. And during the day, there were no naps. Talk about zombie. Which is why it was nice when my husband came home and at least gave me a couple hours break.

 

Couples should work together.

[RayRay63]

Unsurprising.

 

Some of the posters here seem to be speaking from a very personal, emotional place. And a variety of experiences.

 

Some of the comments have, but only briefly, hinted at the suffocation and isolation that young mothers who feel trapped at home, and cut off from their peers, can suffer, which is another important issue.

 

Of course, everything would be easier if you lived in "not a western country" and could cheaply hire a nanny, or had grandma/mother's younger sister living with you (or close by) to ease the load.

 

But if life was meant to be easy, it probably would be.

 

Back on topic:

 

OP, it's understandable that you want the baby close at this point. Perhaps suggest to partner that for a few weeks you could have baby in the room, beside the bed, and then the two of you can re-assess?

 

Also, having children sleeping in the same bed as the parents will, in the longer term, negate any intimacy in the marriage, and that usually doesn't turn out well.

[SherrySher]

hinted at the suffocation and isolation that young mothers who feel trapped at home

 

I never once felt any of those things, nor did I try to hint at it. Offensive that you even go to that assumption.

 

I felt exhausted and sleep deprived as a new mother and I hoped/expected my partners help. I don't see anything wrong with that.

 

I loved every single second with my baby, make no mistake about that. But I am a human too who needed sleep and it's not always easy with a newborn, in particular, my baby who was colicky.

I had hoped for help and support from my husband when he got home. That to me should be a given.

 

Couples should work together in tough times. Although I realize that's not always the case.

[j.man]

I never once felt any of those things, nor did I try to hint at it. Offensive that you even go to that assumption.

 

I felt exhausted and sleep deprived as a new mother and I hoped/expected my partners help. I don't see anything wrong with that.

 

I loved every single second with my baby, make no mistake about that. But I am a human too who needed sleep and it's not always easy with a newborn, in particular, my baby who was colicky.

I had hoped for help and support from my husband when he got home. That to me should be a given.

 

Couples should work together in tough times. Although I realize that's not always the case.

A whole lot of irony floating around these parts.

[SherrySher]

From a guy with no children and another one who didn't help his wife when she needed it.

 

Yep, sure gonna listen to you two.

 

Thanks, I'm out.

[reinventmyself]

Don't include me. I know you were and are truly the vanguard. I submit to your labor and sacrifice. You've lived a struggle and experience I'll never know. Thank you for your service to mankind, madam.

Sad day for me honestly, when at such young age, you've become so cynical and insensitive to others. So be it.

I hope you figure out whatever it is that's going on in your world so you no longer feel the need to take it out on others.

[Batya33]

I wanted to add in some other thoughts of what worked for me at that time when I was home full time. My husband saw what I did at home as my job, as a job. Just like he had a job. Didn't always call it that but I could tell he thought of it that way. One of the first things he told me when we moved when our son was an infant was that his best friend suggested I hire a cleaning woman weekly not just twice a month. To me that acknowledged the "job" element, the difficulty. I think it's important whether it's called a job or not to figure out how your husband sees your role and if he's not "getting it" I've heard others suggest (I never did this) -simply leave the house one morning when he is not due at work with all the supplies - but he has to make/clean the bottles or whatever you do for feeding (I know, nursing makes this more difficult - I could not breast feed!). - and he will get it. Do this calmly. Hopefully he will get it because he is a person who cares and wants to get it.

 

The key is calm. Choose times when you can speak in a calm way in a more head/logical than emotional (whiny?) even if you feel that way, understandably (I made the mistake of not).

 

Decide what your battles are. Decide what silence will do (resentment?). I so so wish that when I finally got 40 minutes to exercise when my son was a toddler and playing in the playpen that I had said to my husband "no, you are not leaving right now for lunch with your friend. I need 11 minutes to shower so I don't have to sit in my sweat for the next 3 hours. I come first, call your friend and tell him you're running late to help me." Or "I feel hurt that you asked if you should cancel your lunch when you see me feeding our son and barely able to stand up because I just walked home after oral surgery and almost passed out. Do you see me??"

 

On the other hand there were times he stepped in, times he showed up, times he went the extra mile and washed breast pump parts around the clock. Yes, truth is it's cool to show resilience and strength and to have some pride in "I can do this by myself." Just don't go too far with it (no I am not the mom who's typically going to say "you know, I really don't love chocolate chip cookies that much actually -you have the last gourmet one, enjoy!"). (I say truth is because I see so much of the focus on "self care" for moms and it's often the stereotypical mani/pedi/massage/white wine - that it's cool to let all the vulnerability hang out - and yes, if you think you might have PPD you have to speak up - but I also see the benefit in feeling proud of how much you can do/accomplish -balancing act).

 

Keep checking in with yourself because sense of self and boundaries change. It's ok to be inconsistent "yesterday I was ok with you getting up, spending 4 minutes with the baby then going into your mancave/bathroom for 25 minutes. Today I need you to spend more time with the baby and leave your phone outside the bathroom so you maybe can come out sooner".

[kamurj]

Thread has run its course, closed.