Can co-sleeping destroy my marriage?

[SherrySher]

Also, I am assuming you mean co-sleep as in sleeping in the same room. Which is fine. However, sleeping all in the same bed (again in my opinion), is not.

 

Babies this small shouldn't be sleeping with an adult as it can be dangerous. Adults forget that the baby is next to them and can roll on top of them not meaning to.

It's better for the baby to be in a bassinet next to the bed.

[SherrySher]

he can wear ear plugs, and a night mask.

 

Great suggestion!

[happyfrank]

Both my kids slept with us using bed bassinet. The bassinet is a nice protective layer just in case you roll over.

[pippy longstocking]

I am just curious , are your bassinets what we call a Moses basket I wonder ....( goes off to google it all )

 

Yes .....I had a look

[Seraphim]

My son had one of these and a crib. https://www.babyhammocks.com/

 

But 99% of the time he slept with us .

[Cherylyn]

Since food on the table and a roof over your head is dependent upon your husband's job, I'd temporarily move a bed into the baby's room or sleep on a sofa nearby. Compromises need to be made somehow.

 

Co-sleeping will cause accidents should your husband be sleep deprived whether he drives to work, falls asleep behind the wheel, trips or walks around in a daze crashing into something. It happens and it's dangerous.

 

I agree with others regarding ear plugs for him. Try that.

 

For me, the baby's room was right next to the master bedroom on the same floor so it was easy for me to walk a few steps to change the baby's diaper and nurse him. My husband changed diapers in the middle of the night IF he didn't have to work the next day such as weekends and brought the baby to me to nurse. Then he'd burp the baby and put the baby back to our son's crib.

[SherrySher]

Pip, they are different. But not hugely.

 

The moses basket sits on the ground where as a bassinet in on legs.

I think the bassinet has slightly sturdier too where as the moses basket is more a basket type.

[pippy longstocking]

Pip, they are different. But not hugely.

 

The moses basket sits on the ground where as a bassinet in on legs.

I think the bassinet has slightly sturdier too where as the moses basket is more a basket type.

 

thankyou my darling x

[Snny]

My wife happens to a doctor with a pretty great maternity leave package that allows us both to comfortably take off work as needed, so fortunately not a whole lot of the OP's dilemma will translate to our situation. But imagining she didn't have the leave and our livelihood being contingent on her not botching diagnoses and treatments, there's no reason both of us should be suffering a lack of sleep because "lol that's parenthood!"

Well good for you. I didn’t have FMLA and had to be back at work after 4 WEEKS of having a baby while my husband was unemployed. We both had to split night routines with having a baby still because “LOL that’s partnership.” Honestly,

I don’t think anyone here is laughing at the husband, but his expectations are unreal. Even if you aren’t taking over the night shift, you are still going to be exhausted as F*k.

 

I’m sorry but posts like this make my eyes roll to the back of my skull. Everyone needs to be a team when it comes to being a baby to this world. Everyone sacrifices sleep for 6 months+.

[Snny]

I also have the same floor plan as the OP. I had a kid last year. We used a Pack n Play next to our bed for the baby to sleep because of SIDS. Intimacy was mostly gone, but that’s what we had signed up for. We moved her to her nursery upstairs at 6 months when she could roll on her on. I can’t say the same will happen for the OP. Hang in there.

 

I second counseling. It’s been found that men also get Postpartum Depression.

[Seraphim]

Well good for you. I didn’t have FMLA and had to be back at work after 4 WEEKS of having a baby while my husband was unemployed. We both had to split night routines with having a baby still because “LOL that’s partnership.” Honestly,

I don’t think anyone here is laughing at the husband, but his expectations are unreal. Even if you aren’t taking over the night shift, you are still going to be exhausted as F*k.

 

I’m sorry but posts like this make my eyes roll to the back of my skull. Everyone needs to be a team when it comes to being a baby to this world. Everyone sacrifices sleep for 6 months+.

 

Yup, EVERYONE is exhausted. I walked into a walk once I was so exhausted I fell asleep walking and that is looking after my baby and not going to work. So when I went to work I am supposed to put in ear plugs and ignore the kid? Um hell NO we are in this together.

[Cherylyn]

I'm a bit more careful on this one due to experience. Due to sleep deprivation, my husband fell asleep during his freeway commute and rear ended the car ahead of him and totaled his car. His bad car accident was not only dangerous but a huge financial loss for us. It took years before we could replace his jalopy with a new car.

 

At the time, he was the sole breadwinner and for us, it was better to ensure his safety. He helped me with middle-of-the-night newborn care if he didn't have to get up and get ready for work at 4AM during the week which is his normal work schedule. Since he didn't help with newborn care when he left the house while it was still dark during the wee hours of the morning, he picked up the slack in numerous other ways such as grocery shopping, errands, cooking, housecleaning and laundry for a year and to this day, he still helps me a lot. I can lean on him. My husband really stepped up, did all the dirty work for me and for the baby and he's amazing. I've never seen a guy give so much of himself for his wife.

[Bagrich]

To me co-sleeping is having the child in the same bed with you. I had our first baby in a bassinett in our room for a couple of weeks then she went into her own room. This was all about me, as a new mom I needed to know she was still breathing! Once I settled myself down a bit, I moved her down the hall to her own room. Not a problem.

 

I see your husband's point but a 2 wk old baby on another floor in the house would not sit well with me. As to how your husband will sleep, who knows until you try it. I see your side and I see his side.

 

Thank you for sharing your experience!

 

I finally decided to put the pleypen next to my side of the bed. I can't sleep if I don't hear her breath. Being honest, having the child in the same bed with me, is the best possible option for breastfeeding and I think it can help the whole family get more sleep. My husband is against it.

[j.man]

Well good for you. I didn’t have FMLA and had to be back at work after 4 WEEKS of having a baby while my husband was unemployed. We both had to split night routines with having a baby still because “LOL that’s partnership.” Honestly,

I don’t think anyone here is laughing at the husband, but his expectations are unreal. Even if you aren’t taking over the night shift, you are still going to be exhausted as F*k.

 

I’m sorry but posts like this make my eyes roll to the back of my skull. Everyone needs to be a team when it comes to being a baby to this world. Everyone sacrifices sleep for 6 months+.

So long as we're talking eye roll worthy, literally nothing in this post refutes my point. Just a rant over an ill prepared pregnancy. I've worked for a living and know full well that so long as a couple can migrate it, measures should be taken so that the working spouse isn't a public and occupational hazard operating motor vehicles and heavy machinery while sleep deprived. There's nothing less team oriented about that. No one is saying sleep exhaustion isn't inevitable for the working spouse. It's just ****ty as an objective. .

[Batya33]

Here's how I see it. I was home full time for 7.5 years. Both our heartfelt choices. (I was ready to go back to work after about 5 years and it took over a year to find the right position, part time)

 

For the first two weeks my husband was on paternity leave. I am a morning person he is a night person. So a nice split worked well where he did the late night feedings, I did the early morning. I'm not a great sleeper, he's a bit better but from what I remember yes we both got some sleep between feedings. When he went back to work that meant traveling 2-3 days a week plus work when he wasn't traveling. So I assumed that the sleep deprivation needed to be almost all on me. I was fine with it - I was home. And yes there was one time I came very close to passing out from it in our bathroom, yes, I was struggling but in my head this was my role, my job. He had his job. And he still of course helped and was with the baby whenever he could be. I had no help either but he offered to me to hire someone which I didn't for my own reasons. So in that way he supported too -the offer. I did hire a biweekly cleaning person.

 

My husband always has worked far far more than full time. I think he's a great parent and my son agrees. Yes we had some issues along the way -i.e. after 14 hours home with a baby no he should not be talking to a friend on the phone when he comes home unless he's also going to multitask and change a diaper, etc. I worked "over time" so that my inlaws could see the baby since my husband also took care of them. It's not always easy to define the role, it's not always easy to be flexible when there's a change in situations, change in the role. I remember the morning I woke up sick with a fever and he was annoyed that he had to do everything and potentially cancel a lunch meeting. When I came home woozy and shaky after oral surgery and he asked if he should cancel his social lunch with his friend (um yeah is that even a question??). It's not bliss, it's not perfect but you have to put on your adult pants and communicate in a way that is not confrontational, accusatory -and yes even when you're so darn tired.

 

I also assumed when I was home that I was responsible for 90% or more of the housework. He does the handy stuff, he takes care of the car stuff since I don't drive, he will take out the garbage etc. I don't really relate to "equal partnership" as far as child care or housecleaning if one parent is home full time. I do relate to the full time parent perhaps hiring help of various kinds and some full time parents have extended family help (we did not ). Our son is 10 now.

[Seraphim]

But why should the spouse at home walk into walls from exhaustion and maybe drop a baby ?

[Batya33]

But why should the spouse at home walk into walls from exhaustion and maybe drop a baby ?

 

That person shouldn't. But that person is home. That person has the opportunity to nap during the day (I couldn't really - just not a great sleeper -but had the opportunity) and that person has the opportunity to hire help for rough spots -if the family can afford it -if the family cannot afford it they have to revisit whether one income is enough. That person has the opportunity to go out there and make friends with other new moms and perhaps work out a way to take a break. When I was home I would go downstairs to my friend's apartment. She worked full time but often from home. A number of times I went over there- said "I've got this- go take a shower!!" and watched our three kids. I didn't do that in reverse but what I'm saying is there are options for an exhausted SAHM that do not exist for someone working full time outside the home -and even if that person teleworks they are still working -yes they can sneak away for a couple of minutes to throw in a load of laundry perhaps but they are working. So is the SAHM.

 

When I worked more than full time for 15 years I was on call regularly 24/7. I was very often exhausted, working when feeling sick too. So my choices were to quit that kind of job(and make less money/less prestige/less opportunities) or suck it up as my role. I chose the latter for the long term benefits. I ended up making the totally right choice. Same with SAHM. I wanted to be home full time, downsides were exhaustion, I chose it for the many upsides. I made the right choice.

[Seraphim]

That person shouldn't. But that person is home. That person has the opportunity to nap during the day (I couldn't really - just not a great sleeper -but had the opportunity) and that person has the opportunity to hire help for rough spots -if the family can afford it -if the family cannot afford it they have to revisit whether one income is enough. That person has the opportunity to go out there and make friends with other new moms and perhaps work out a way to take a break. When I was home I would go downstairs to my friend's apartment. She worked full time but often from home. A number of times I went over there- said "I've got this- go take a shower!!" and watched our three kids. I didn't do that in reverse but what I'm saying is there are options for an exhausted SAHM that do not exist for someone working full time outside the home -and even if that person teleworks they are still working -yes they can sneak away for a couple of minutes to throw in a load of laundry perhaps but they are working. So is the SAHM.

 

When I worked more than full time for 15 years I was on call regularly 24/7. I was very often exhausted, working when feeling sick too. So my choices were to quit that kind of job(and make less money/less prestige/less opportunities) or suck it up as my role. I chose the latter for the long term benefits. I ended up making the totally right choice. Same with SAHM. I wanted to be home full time, downsides were exhaustion, I chose it for the many upsides. I made the right choice.

 

I couldn’t sleep. I had to keep up with all the house stuff and my son nursed every 1.5 hours 24/7 night and day night and day. He was still only drinking 4 ounces at 12 months old. So there was no sleeping involved.

[tattoobunnie]

there's no reason both of us should be suffering a lack of sleep because "lol that's parenthood!"

 

YOU'RE NEXT J.MAN!!!! Just wait till you've been home all day with a cranky kid or two cranked kids. Then, when you have one parent who gets to talk to adults and not be covered in spit up or yesterday's lunch, while the stay at home main caregiver hasn't showered in days, come back and post. With newborns and babies, all hands on deck.

[Batya33]

YOU'RE NEXT J.MAN!!!! Just wait till you've been home all day with a cranky kid or two cranked kids. Then, when you have one parent who gets to talk to adults and not be covered in spit up or yesterday's lunch, when you haven't showered in days, come back and post. With newborns and babies, all hands on deck.

 

I never bought that whole contest about whose job is harder - it depends on the couple, what job/career the working spouse has, the situation at home, etc. I've been a nanny, babysitter, teacher,daycare worker and corporate professional and SAHM (although we were not home so much and I rarely stayed in one place) - and I think the comparison game leads to nothing productive particularly in a marriage.

[Batya33]

I couldn’t sleep. I had to keep up with all the house stuff and my son nursed every 1.5 hours 24/7 night and day night and day. He was still only drinking 4 ounces at 12 months old. So there was no sleeping involved.

 

Right. I had little sleep involved in my last more than full time job outside the home. I get it. When I was a SAHM mom I had plenty of days and nights like that because I solo parented a great deal. Nothing to compare to a single mom - at all - but my husband was away a great deal and no family or outside help.

 

I also think the "no adult interaction/no business lunches/no coffee" thing is counterproductive too. When I worked more than full time I often had no time for lunch let alone outside my personal office, often ate dinner at my desk and um I liked most of my coworkers but adult interaction has its downsides ;-)

 

As a SAHM I saw my housewife role as very secondary. Did my best so that it was sanitary/hygienic but if I could be out and about with my baby/toddler, we were - I didn't put the house cleaning at a priority above that. That's how our marriage/expectations worked.

[Wiseman2]

Why not let the pediatrician advise you and be the referee? Or are the marital problems deeper than this? So simple. Then you can state "the doctors recommended...."

having the child in the same bed with me. My husband is against it.

[ThatwasThen]

IMO and in that of the professionals... having an infant in the same bed as you is dangerous to the child, the marriage, the identity of the couple as husband and wife.

 

If your child isn't sleeping well, then yes, Wiseman... talking to your pediatrician regarding solutions re: bottle feeding or supplementing the breast, sleep training etc are all options.

 

That being said... to each their own if BOTH mom and dad are in agreement. In this case the parents are not but there are several compromises to be had if they just sit down and figure out one that works for the two of them.

[tattoobunnie]

I never bought that whole contest about whose job is harder - it depends on the couple, what job/career the working spouse has, the situation at home, etc. I've been a nanny, babysitter, teacher,daycare worker and corporate professional and SAHM (although we were not home so much and I rarely stayed in one place) - and I think the comparison game leads to nothing productive particularly in a marriage.

 

Living with somewhat afluent neighbors who are either

- SAHMs

- Working Full-time Moms who have the lion's share of responsibilities for the kids (like me), since hubs is either

- working far away and has a long commute

- don't believe they should have to help out with the kids in any way, and don't even when left home with them (which is like my quad mom down the street who has to do it all by herself while working full-time, or my bestie with two girls)

- And Parents who both work and both split duties

 

If you don't compare, I find one takes advantage or for granted all of the things one does in endless scenarios. Not everyone's spouse "knows better". Parenting the one kiddo was pretty manageable, but with two, sometimes like Mad Max Road Warrior where you have two different schedules and food needs and needs at the same time. And while you can get praise and raises or bonuses at work, parenting can be a thankless job.

 

Not to delve too deep into the chaos, but I think when you have a newborn, it's about the newborn and making life a bit easier for mom. Hey, sorry the hubs may not get the best sleep, but either is the mom, and she should be supported in getting a hang of being a new mom 100%. And I find it you don't stick up for yourself now, the rest of the time will always be the same. It's not easy.

[Batya33]

Living with somewhat afluent neighbors who are either

- SAHMs

- Working Full-time Moms who have the lion's share of responsibilities for the kids (like me), since hubs is either

- working far away and has a long commute

- don't believe they should have to help out with the kids in any way, and don't even when left home with them (which is like my quad mom down the street who has to do it all by herself while working full-time, or my bestie with two girls)

- And Parents who both work and both split duties

 

If you don't compare, I find one takes advantage or for granted all of the things one does in endless scenarios. Not everyone's spouse "knows better". Parenting the one kiddo was pretty manageable, but with two, sometimes like Mad Max Road Warrior where you have two different schedules and food needs and needs at the same time. And while you can get praise and raises or bonuses at work, parenting can be a thankless job.

 

Not to delve too deep into the chaos, but I think when you have a newborn, it's about the newborn and making life a bit easier for mom. Hey, sorry the hubs may not get the best sleep, but either is the mom, and she should be supported in getting a hang of being a new mom 100%. And I find it you don't stick up for yourself now, the rest of the time will always be the same. It's not easy.

 

Yes I think with a newborn the mother often needs help - and fathers often can get some paternity leave or a grandparent can come (not in my case) . I don't think a full time parent should play the comparison game with the working parent as to who has it "harder" -there are better ways to deal with the fair division of responsibilities which depends on so many factors - the income, type of job/hours of job/extended family availability, feelings about outside help, standards of cleanliness and cooking in the home, etc. And there are also full time dads who stay at home of course. I'm also not going to go there with "how many kids" -my niece's first needed two liver transplants in her first 8 months of life while her husband worked full time (but only 9 to 5 I believe) - while a relative of mine who was a SAHM for three kids tells me regularly that her kids were relatively "easy". Another friend had a preemie, and I had a nearly fatal medical condition when my son was 12 days old -I recovered quickly but if I hadn't then "only one kid" really wouldn't apply. And my husband had to care for his two parents as well. Which can be like multiple kids I am sure.

 

Certainly more than one child adds challenges, struggles, scheduling conflicts. I love how my friend tells me regularly -she has 3 kids under 8 years old - she would never tell me she has it harder than me despite my having one kid and she has three- and even if it is harder what's the point? If a person chooses to be the full time parent that job has its downsides and upsides. And yes if there is another parent in the picture that parent should help a lot during the newborn stage and the other parent should be willing to be flexible about house cleanliness and meals for the rest of the family for example. And if there are grandparents or a baby nurse available that's another factor.

 

Parenting can be a thankless job. Teaching for me was often a thankless job (been many years since I was a teacher). Apparently my school bus driver feels this way too given the accolades she gave us for the holiday gift card we gave her. And sure you can get praise and raises and promotions. My mother always told me "your thank you is your paycheck" because not everyone gets praise or raises or promotions - very little of that if at all when I was a teacher. Your thank you as a mom is the proof is in the pudding -a happy child, a child who learns to say I love you, a child who says "I want to be attached to you ...... with super glue!!" (duct tape wasn't sufficient he said at the school bus stop -he's in 5th grade, he said this at 7:05 am about 33 minutes after a cranky awakening). I would never ever advise anyone to go into any job with the expectation of praise. Raises? Yes. It's reality that SAHM is unpaid, that the $ part is the $ you're saving because you don't need daycare for example. But a person who wants to be a SAHM knows this -it's a fact- and shouldn't do it if he or she needs raises as affirmation. Or money.