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Greetings once again enotaloners

 

Didnt think I would be back here so soon as things (relationship wise) have been going really well till recently:(

 

Been in a recent relationship for about 2 months now. During the first month, we spent most weekends together but we would at least spend 1 day together out of every week. In the second month I was sent to another state for work (but only for a month) and we would communicate via video call (1 - 2 hours) almost every day.

 

My gf (probably ex now) has introduced me to her older brother (who is basically her father figure) and her best friend. They both like me and I like them. Iv introduced her to a few of my close friends I mean i thought things were serious. I used to sleep over at her flat, which she says, never happens with any guy. I could tell that she really liked me and I do really like her.

 

3 weeks ago I was sent to another state for a project but as previously stated we kept communication on a daily basis and we had no issues. WE used to tell each other how much we missed each other etc. I planned to fly her over this past weekend however her brother suggested to her that it is not a good idea and we both respected that decision.

 

Even with the physical distance this past 3 weeks we have been getting closer emotionally. She even once posted a whatsapp status saying "can we skip the getting to know each other part and get to the point where you cant live without me". Anyway didnt take that to mind too much, just mentioning it.

 

From last week around Wednesday morning I noticed that she was starting to get moody towards me. Didnt take that too much to heart as she told me on Tuesday that she was on her periods so I thought its the whole post/pre menstrual thing. The moodiness continued to Thursday night when she actually video called me. We had a deep chat that thursday night about vulnerability and being able to make yourself vulnerable. I shared an article about emotional vulnerability with her and we discussed our feelings around it. I thought it was a good convo initially.

 

She told me during the convo that one has to be very careful who they choose to be vulnerable to and that she struggles to express any negative feelings she has because it makes her feel like shes been taken for a ride. E.g. if I hurt her she will struggle to tell me. She said she realises that she over reacts as well and is working on these things. I told her vulnerability is hard but very powerful in any relationship. Towards the end of the convo I was like anyway lets change the topic (as it was getting serious) and she agree. I asked her what she would like to talk about and shes like: "nothing, good night" I said good night and she ended the call. That was a bad ending to the call. I greeted her in the morning she greeted back asked her if she managed to submit her assignment on time she replied "obviously" and I said great and ended the chat there. Obviously that was a rude response from her (unlike her) but I just thought she just going through something. Later that night I discovered that she blocked me (whatsapp).

 

Ok i was obviously quite confused, shocked and disappointed but i kept composed. I didnt try to contact her for about 2 days after she blocked me. Last night I tried to call her but discovered that my phone calls are also blocked.

 

I know most ghosting cases are due to someone maybe finding someone new. It could be but in this case i highly doubt it.

 

There are ways I can contact her: I can get into contact with her by calling her with another phone. I can also call her best friend and ask if shes ok and maybe ask if she knows why she would block me. (me and her best friend are on talking terms )

 

My question is should I even make that effort? I am willing to fight for her. What does the community suggest I do?

 

P.S. She has disclosed to me that she has been in a really hurtful on/off relation ship for about 2 years and shes adamant that earlier this year (March or so) she realised that she was finally completely over the guy. The guy would call her or try and see her and she would not feel anything anymore. However maybe the insecurities/damage is probably still there.

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Don't call her best friend. You two have only dated two months; it's too invasive to go to her friends. It sucks, but you can't fight for someone if they've already left the ring. The same goes for calling from another phone. For whatever reason, she doesn't want to hear from you right now. Tracking her down anyway is not going to help matters, though I understand you want answers.

 

I am curious, why did her older brother not think it was a good idea for you to fly to her this past weekend? Why does he call the shots in her life? How old is she?

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I am 26 shes 22. She would have to make the trip alone, over a very long distance. The brother does not know me too well. basically safety concern which i do respect and understand...

 

Also is it not acceptable for me to seek answers ?

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It is not unacceptable. But it is a waste of time.

 

If she is ghosting you, the chances are:

 

1) She is not over her ex and he came back.

2) She found somebody else.

3) She is just not into you anymore.

4) She is too unstable to maintain a relationship.

 

In all those scenarios, it is a waste of time. I know you are hoping to find out that she isn't seeing anyone else, that she's just damaged from her previous relationship and that you could mend her and be with her again if you just work together... but if she is that broken, she is not ready for a relationship.

 

So yes, just let her go, move on, it has only been two months, you have not lost much.

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I hear you but is it really a waste of time to find out? I think its an opportunity to learn something new a new lesson e.g. if she says shes found someone else the next time this happens to me or someone else Ill have a bit more information about such a scenario than if i dont try and find out. Thats my thinking...?

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I hear you but is it really a waste of time to find out? I think its an opportunity to learn something new a new lesson e.g. if she says shes found someone else the next time this happens to me or someone else Ill have a bit more information about such a scenario than if i dont try and find out. Thats my thinking...?

 

OP, understand that if she just up and ghosted you, you are unlikely to get the truth of her or anyone close to her.

 

She is obviously not being transparent with you, and doesn't have the stones to tell you what really happened - trying to get the real truth from her is likely going to be wasted time and effort on your part.

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youve got a point... been thinking about it after these responses and I think Ill just move on without saying anything .

 

Iv just been reflecting and alot of the relationships Iv been involved with the same pattern. In my life Iv dated 4 women. The first one (from about 3 years ago) asked for us to chill earlier this year, the second ex cried on the phone asking me back, the 3rd ex sent me a text earlier this year to give our love another chance.

 

My women selection needs work i guess

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Sorry about this. Being ghosted like this just sucks.

 

The only silver lining to it—the lesson to learn, since you like thinking along those lines—is that it immediately teaches you that someone you thought was worth your time is really, really not worth your time. And if you can make that the lesson you learn from this you may find your "women selection" radar improves.

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I think of the first few months of any relationship—the first 6, let's say—as a period where you're both in it and observing it, to see if you two are really compatible. Part of what you're observing is someone's character, how they handle their feelings, how they handle conflict. Someone who ghosts? That is just a wanton display of very weak character and emotional instability—very bad signs that will only get worse if you could somehow find a way to get them to "un-ghost" you. If this is how she handles emotions when the stakes are this low just imagine how she'd handle them down the line.

 

In a way, I'd see the ghosting as basically an extension of her gooey WhatsApp status update: a volatile emotional pendulum that has not found its center. Sure, that update was more soothing to the ego than this juncture, but it too felt a little weird—and with reason. It was a little weird. Subtext: let's skip the very best part of dating, the most critical stage of all, and cut straight to the fantasy of relationships that does not exist in reality. Pure turbulence, all that. A jagged, shallow approach to wading into the emotional depths that does no one any favors.

 

Sorry again. Can't say anything to sugarcoat the suckiness of it all. But you can dust off from this, and dusting off, rather than finding ways to stay in it, is going to serve you much, much better in the long run.

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I think it is terrible that she blocked you. Cowardly and disrespectful. Why would you want someone like that!

 

Do not contact anyone she knows and do not try to reach out to her.

 

I think that she was already having doubts when the mood shifted. When you had the open convo and said you should bring it to a clise, was her excuse to end things.

 

You do not need people like this in your life. You only saw her over a period of a month (in person). That's a blip. Move on from this girl!

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I am 26 shes 22. She would have to make the trip alone, over a very long distance. The brother does not know me too well. basically safety concern which i do respect and understand...

 

Also is it not acceptable for me to seek answers ?

 

She blocked you, that is your answer!

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I hear you but is it really a waste of time to find out? I think its an opportunity to learn something new a new lesson e.g. if she says shes found someone else the next time this happens to me or someone else Ill have a bit more information about such a scenario than if i dont try and find out. Thats my thinking...?

 

i think you should reassess the type of women you are dating. Are they still discussing their exs and saying they have trust issues? How old are they?

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Sorry to hear this. It sounds like they are "on" again. Do not contact her or her people or via spoof number. It was a bit too much, too soon and too deep, too fast, but it most likely has to do with your being away providing a window of opportunity to be "on" again with her bf.

 

The "adamant" part means she is still quite attached and convincing herself that This time, she really moved on.

she has been in a really hurtful on/off relation ship for about 2 years.The guy would call her or try and see her.
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Extremely disappointing. Its so ironic how everyone would always tell me not to mess things up with her when I introduced them to her

 

Thanks again for this advice. It definitely does help the healing process; knowing that you lost someone with a gap in their character rather than losing someone amazing... thanks for listening too

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She blocked you, that is your answer!

 

This is what I was going to say... when someone blocks you they are telling you they don't want you to contact them. Going around this by creating another account, using a different phone, or contacting them through a friend does not respect their boundaries.

 

I am not saying she did the right thing by blocking and ghosting you without explanation... I think that short of $hit is abhorrent and cowardly... you don't need to sink to her level though, instead rise above and walk away with your head up.

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Towards the end of the convo I was like anyway lets change the topic (as it was getting serious) and she agree. I asked her what she would like to talk about and shes like: "nothing, good night"

 

Wait. You lead her into an emotional convo, and as it was getting serious, you said, "anyway, let's change the topic?"

 

That's a pretty harsh and jolting thing to say once you have someone opened up.

 

You may have embarrassed or insulted her with that, and, "Nothing, good night," was her shut down.

 

Sounds like you really p'd her off.

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Not nice. Chalk it up to experience and date someone a few years older. 22 years old is either a fresh graduate or someone just learning to spread her wings. You might want to check the type of women you're interested in. If you're looking to be more of a guardian or father/older brother type of role or want someone to protect or "guide", you'll run into a lot of issues and competition with family or existing role models. This person sounds hardly grown.

 

I think it's a good idea to move forwards and don't let this be a chip over your shoulder. Look for more mature women who know what they're doing. The only reason that ghosting usually occurs is when there are real perceived threats (you are coming across as heavyhanded in your approaches or creepy) or someone doesn't have enough social skills to handle a situation. I think in her case it might be both and the added issue of meddling family members (older brothers) and her youth.

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Wait. You lead her into an emotional convo, and as it was getting serious, you said, "anyway, let's change the topic?"

 

That's a pretty harsh and jolting thing to say once you have someone opened up.

 

You may have embarrassed or insulted her with that, and, "Nothing, good night," was her shut down.

 

Sounds like you really p'd her off.

 

I was actually thinking literally the same thing. I think the fact that she blocked you was really petty and immature and she owes you a conversation. However, I can kind of see from her perspective that to be honest you were starting not to look like the best boyfriend prospect. I just imagined that if I dated someone for only two months and straight away that person went away for a month, then again went away for three weeks, it just starts being too much hard work.

 

At the start of dating you're still getting to know each other and it's very new. So to have that person keep going away and for significant amounts of time (many weeks) is not exactly appealing. I understand it wasn't your fault but sometimes it's nobody's fault and it's just bad timing and not meant to be.

 

Also obviously due to not seeing you much in person, the girl was worried about whether you could get close, so she was discussing being vulnerable with your partner and so on. You just shut her down and were like: "Anyway, let's change the subject". Because it was getting serious? Sorry but what did you want to talk about, purely generic and on the surface topics? The minute it got serious you bluntly say to change the subject? I don't understand how you expected to have a relationship when you keep going away and you also just seem to want a shallow interaction.

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Youve got the completely wrong idea

 

1. the 3 weeks iv been away is that same month iv been gone (only been gone once)

2. I started the vulnerability talk but i ended it cause I could tell she was the one getting uncomfortable with it. in this chat I was actually telling her that Im willing to be vulnerable for her. I guess this conversation scared her off

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Maybe she thought you were onto her getting back with the on/off bf. Often it has nothing to do with you. But next time don't be so deep and probing. Intensity can be off putting rather than accelerating closeness.

 

Think of relationships as an ocean to wade into, not cliff-dive into. This way you can do that delicate dance of going forward but being able to retreat when needed.

I started the vulnerability talk but i ended it cause I could tell she was the one getting uncomfortable with it.
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I'm not sure why you have to talk about being vulnerable: you're either vulnerable or you're not (and vice versa for your partner). Talking about it seems a bit pretentious or overarching. I'm not a big fan of suppositions and great overtures because it looks and feels plastic. She might have felt a bit weird about it or was just too young to get what you were saying - maybe there wasn't enough time, period, for either of you to really get to know each other before things got... well, weird. Perhaps neither of you are compatible for each other and that is ok too.

 

I think it's a blessing in disguise and, remember, when a person shows what they are, be thankful and grateful. You're free!

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My first reaction is also that you pissed her off. But, I don't think it's your problem. On the contrary, I think it means she's emotionally unstable.

An emotionally stable woman wont talk about vulnerability after few weeks and even she does, she will not rely all on you for her issues, because that's the sane thing to do.

So in other words I think she tad crazy and you dodged a bullet

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