Shock from being ghosted

[TheG]

So she called me last night. I really didnt expect that because we only meeting on friday. Anyway, I missed her call cause I was on another call with an old fling (please dont judge, Im trying to distract myself). I tried to call back but she never picked up... things are getting dramatic. I dunno whats going on but the meeting will be very interesting...

[bluecastle]

I think “dramatic” is the goal here, the thing you’re seeking. No judgement, just how it looks from these seats.

[boltnrun]

So she called me last night. I really didnt expect that because we only meeting on friday. Anyway, I missed her call cause I was on another call with an old fling (please dont judge, Im trying to distract myself). I tried to call back but she never picked up... things are getting dramatic. I dunno whats going on but the meeting will be very interesting...

 

You keep proving to her that you're just sitting there waiting and hoping she contacts you.

 

It's just not an attractive look.

 

I guess whatever happens at this "meeting" might shed some light on her mindset. Or not.

[TheG]

Guys i really like her and Im putting up with all this because shes been very open to me, from up-bringing to past relationships. Iv never fallen in love before, Iv got intimacy issues and Iv told her. She told me that she finds that scary cause it means I wont fight for a relationship when things get hard... So thats what im dong now. Im taking this as her being the weaker vessel. Im swallowing my pride. If she didnt call yesterday I would have kept quiet until d-day giving her the space she needs. She didnt pick up so i guess I must give her that space again...

 

PS typing this while listening to Nayan · FATOUMATA DIAWARA

[bluecastle]

I hear you. Ride the waves until you catch one or get tired paddling.

 

Sounds like you see in her a “vessel” to work through some stuff, experiment with shedding those intimacy issues. Fair enough.

 

Just food for thought: an intimate connection that feels like a battle to maintain or a carrot on a stick, or that’s built by confessions of intimacy issues from the get go, is sometimes a kind of intimacy that just fuels the very issues you’re hoping it will erase.

 

See her when you see her and see what’s up. Doesn’t have to be rocket science, just like two missed calls don’t need to be labeled dramatic. People miss calls. Infuse everything with 12 meanings and you lose the thread.

[MissCanuck]

Just food for thought: an intimate connection that feels like a battle to maintain or a carrot on a stick, or that’s built by confessions of intimacy issues from the get go, is sometimes a kind of intimacy that just fuels the very issues you’re hoping it will erase.

 

This is spot-on.

 

What you're doing here OP is engaging in something that will not solve your issues, but only serve to perpetuate them. This isn't what the beginning of a healthy relationship looks like.

[TheG]

So she unblocked me and I didnt engage with her much. I carried on with my life. Awaiting her to call me regarding the meeting. Then she blocked me again... I think I now understand whats going on. She doesn't feel the love from me and I do agree with her if she feels that way. I so badly wanted to engage with her but was waiting for her to greet first as she said I must wait for her call and not call her. I think I messed this one up by not allowing myself to be vulnerable in this case obviously she also has insecurity issues as well...But i feel like I can still fix this. Me holding my feelings back was not what I wanted to do...

[TheG]

Its hard but I dont think Iv tried my best yet...

[TheG]

Ultimately i think my intaimacy issues were starting to show and scared her away...

[Wiseman2]

What is it you want from her and this situation? Reflect on that and pursue it one way or the other. End it and date less flaky women or embrace this and go for it. Hovering around in this confusing block/unblock, ignore/engage, breakup/makeup two step is wasting your time and playing guessing games. You could be with women who want you when you choose to stop this madness.

So she unblocked me and I didnt engage with her much. Awaiting her to call me regarding the meeting. Then she blocked me again.

[TheG]

We havent spoken about this face-to-face ever since the initial block so meeting will be the decider...

[ZoeHeller]

Ultimately i think my intaimacy issues were starting to show and scared her away...

 

I don't think so. It's the opposite. She feels the love from you, its overwhelming her, that is why she keeps running. You should do some reading about it - attachment styles.

 

Its interesting that you say you have intimacy issues and the one woman with whom you don't has intimacy issues worse than yours! At least she does with you, because she finds your pursuit overwhelminf.

 

There is something to that, you'd be wise to explore it within. Resolve before proceeding further with any woman.

 

And leave the poor girl alone.

[TheG]

1. But she unblocked me and I kinda ignored her as if nothing changed and carried on posting things of everyday life. I didnt even greet her... then she blocked me again

2. The day before she blocked me she made a post saying "can we skip to the part where you cant live without me"

3. Just before she blocked me the first time we were not talking, kinda similar to what happened today. I carried on with life outside of her and all of a sudden Im blocked

4. The previous night she video called me I didnt video call her and she ended the call out of some frustration. The rest of the night I didnt ask her what was wrong or apologise.

5. She once told me that my intimacy issues kinda scare her cause it means I would not fight for a relationship

6. She once asked me if i drove 200 km just to see her and i said nope I dont love her that much (as a joke) and the mood changed

7. The last time we spoke on the phone (I think a week ago) I told her Im willing to fight for our relationship and I think that led to her unblocking me

8. She unblocks me and finds me carrying on with life as if nothing has chnaged, as if our break didnt affect me and she unblocks me

 

Thus putting all these together I think she doesnt feel my love and this has happened with an ex of mine. My ex broke things off (the first time because she said that she doesnt think I can give her what she needs)

[Wiseman2]

And this is what? Dating or playing games?

But she unblocked me and I kinda ignored her as if nothing changed and carried on posting things of everyday life. I didnt even greet her... then she blocked me again

[TheG]

This was me respecting her cause she said I must not call her she will call me. So I was sticking to her boundary

[ZoeHeller]

Dude, blocking you, unblocking you but ignoring you, then blocking again, come on.

 

This is a clear indicator of intimacy and commitment issues, at least with regards to you.

 

She feels overwhelmed by you, it doesn't have to make sense, issues like this never do.

 

Leave her alone and begin dealing with your own issues and why you find yourself drawn to women who run hot and cold, block, unblock, ignore, ghost.

[TheG]

Please read my 8 points and tell me if you still feel the same. Mind you... she unblocked me (calling phone not whatsapp) called me and said we have to speak face to face.

[TheG]

Yes I can see this is a big mess. But we both (or at least I do) need to get to the bottom of this over a proper talk...

[ZoeHeller]

I did read and feel the same. Girl has issues, again doesn't make sense, they never do.

 

Unblocking you means nothing. If she had wanted to talk to you she would have reached out, not blocked you again because you didn't, that is crazy thinking - it's actually a form of denial.

 

You are trying to understand and fix sheer insanity, my advice is stop doing that and work on yourself.

[TheG]

it is crazy but can you look at it like this:nothing like this has ever happened when we are in perso, in fact we have never fought in person. When she blocked me I was out of town and since she has blocked me we have not interacted in person... thus something is being miscommunicated over cellphone/social media either by me or her. I dont think anything should be decided through these means.

[bluecastle]

Just food for thought: an intimate connection that feels like a battle to maintain or a carrot on a stick, or that’s built by confessions of intimacy issues from the get go, is sometimes a kind of intimacy that just fuels the very issues you’re hoping it will erase.

 

Requoting myself here. Do me a favor and read that above sentence ten times, slowly, before reading on.

 

You back? Dude—dude. This is just a mess—all ego, no heart. You're all about being "vulnerable" when she blocks? Please. That's easy. What masturbation is to sex is what your brand of vulnerability is to real vulnerability.

 

You know, deep in your core, that there is nothing here. And that is why you're all gung-ho on making it into something. This is the playacting version of intimacy and in her you've found a perfect cast mate. All she's giving you are signs of someone who doesn't want to be intimate with you, which you're hellbent on reading as intimacy.

 

Skip that. Or stop that. Enough with that.

 

You ain't gonna fix those intimacy issues by trying to be intimate with someone who doesn't want to be intimate with you. Blocking and unblocking is not intimacy. Gauzy little posts on social media is not intimacy. A game of push-pull around hollow core is not intimacy.

 

It's two people masturbating, in close proximity, and mistaking it for sex. It is mutual issues with intimacy braiding up and magnifying those issues.

[MissCanuck]

Thus putting all these together I think she doesnt feel my love and this has happened with an ex of mine. My ex broke things off (the first time because she said that she doesnt think I can give her what she needs)

 

Nah. She's just immature and attention-seeking.

 

Proceed if you want, but understand you're never going to get much a relationship with this girl. She's going to keep playing games until she meets a new guy. Then you'll be dropped like yesterday's news.

[bluecastle]

She's going to keep playing games until she meets a new guy. Then you'll be dropped like yesterday's news.

 

Which, let's just be real, is also your story. You hit up an old fling for distraction, which means your door is probably wide open for a new fling. Should something with the right shine cross your viewfinder, and stay still for a minute, I think your interest in decoding her blocking and unblocking would evaporate in about 20 minutes.

 

Which, hey, all good. But...

 

If what you want is more than a fling, or more than things that feel fling-like, it's advisable to cut out the nonsense so the real stuff has a way in. And that, my friend, is generally how we go about solving intimacy issues—not through cursory intimacy with others but through getting a little more intimate with ourselves.

[TheG]

Which, let's just be real, is also your story. You hit up an old fling for distraction, which means your door is probably wide open for a new fling. Should something with the right shine cross your viewfinder, and stay still for a minute, I think your interest in decoding her blocking and unblocking would evaporate in about 20 minutes.

 

Which, hey, all good. But...

 

If what you want is more than a fling, or more than things that feel fling-like, it's advisable to cut out the nonsense so the real stuff has a way in. And that, my friend, is generally how we go about solving intimacy issues—not through cursory intimacy with others but through getting a little more intimate with ourselves.

 

After I broke up with my ex, 1 got into a fling (same fling whos in this story) 2 months later...but then decided not to date for about 8 months due to working on myself and my intimacy issues. I would say Im getting better, I was much worse controlling, insecure etc. After the 8 months I felt I was ready for something serious again and I just happened to meet Angelina. I had no issues until I left town. Are you telling me Iv given this relationship a fair chance by accepting everything thats happening when we are not in person? Are you suggesting I stay single for another while?

[bluecastle]

I don't think you need to be single for a while. At some point, though, you'll have to see what's what here. You started this thread almost a month ago, about someone you'd only been involved with for two months. So this is three months total, more or less, with one of them spent like this: ghosted, half-ghosted, blocked, unblocked, and you obsessing over all that like it's...something.

 

I get it. Well, sort of. I get that people can get under our skin and that it can really sting when they pull a 180. I have certainly spent a month or so of my life ruminating about a woman who 180'ed on me after 2 months. What I don't get is finding any of this interesting enough to engage with. At this point, I think the Angelia you are engaging with and hung up on is just an idea in your head—partly an idea fueled by how things were for what amounts to five minutes in your life story, and partly (big part) a idea about who you want to be, in some larger sense, when it comes to women and relationships.

 

Thing is, you can turn her into a kind of vessel for self-growth, as you're doing, but that doesn't negate who she is: young woman, flighty, who has given you every sign you need to know there's nothing here. Per this being a way to work on those intimacy issues, it would be like me working on my "unemployment issues" by laying around in my house all day but in a business suit instead of sweatpants. Maybe I "feel" like I'm more professional, but I ain't getting any closer to getting a job. No, I'm getting more unemployed.

 

You can't give a "fair chance" to something that doesn't exist, so what you are calling a "fair chance" I call chasing a ghost—a chase prompted by the heart and loins, at least a bit, but really prompted by some story of who you want to be and the generic butt hurt we all feel when north turns to south.

 

So if you want to date—well, then date. Date people who are available and interested in dating you, for real. She is not such a person. And as long as you remain a person not only hung up on, but also pursuing, someone who is not interested in dating you then you will be a person that genuinely available people don't want to get near.