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Seinfeld-esque Dating Stories


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I went on a blind date. The guy never approached me at the meeting place. He called my friend and said he thought I was ugly. I was stood up. He was actually there, but decided not to approach me. Weeks or a month or two later, he saw me with my friend. He called and asked her who was the knockout she was with, because he was hoping to be set up with her. I don't think that was a Seinfeld episode, but it should have been.

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I went on a blind date. The guy never approached me at the meeting place. He called my friend and said he thought I was ugly. I was stood up. He was actually there, but decided not to approach me. Weeks or a month or two later, he saw me with my friend. He called and asked her who was the knockout she was with, because he was hoping to be set up with her. I don't think that was a Seinfeld episode, but it should have been.

 

Hahaha... think he was looking at the wrong person on your first "date"?

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Hahaha... think he was looking at the wrong person on your first "date"?

 

Nope. It was definitely me. My friend described to him exactly what i would be wearing and exactly where i would be. and i wasn't wearing all black or something.

 

The friend described what he would be wearing to me, and he wore something radically different and changed his hairstyle as well. There would have been no way i would have picked him out. She made sure to tell him he was a dummy.

 

The second time he saw me, I was wearing something similar to the first time but not by any plan (its not like i was wearing a potato sack one time, and something more flattering the next).

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I once went on a date with a very depressed guy. In between frequent awkward silences he started to tear up. Then in an Eeyore sounding voice said

“Why is today, just like any other day....

When I tried to cheer him up it made things worse. I patted him gently on the back. That’s when he burst into tears and asked if he could just be in his agony!

 

I kid you not. I could write a book about all the weird dates I’ve been on.

 

Needless to say it was our last date.

 

Maybe not all the way Seinfeld but I could imagine it happening to Elaine. They would call him “The crier.” 😂

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I once went on a date with a very depressed guy. In between frequent awkward silences he started to tear up. Then in an Eeyore sounding voice said

“Why is today, just like any other day....

When I tried to cheer him up it made things worse. I patted him gently on the back. That’s when he burst into tears and asked if he could just be in his agony!

 

I kid you not. I could write a book about all the weird dates I’ve been on.

 

Needless to say it was our last date.

 

Maybe not all the way Seinfeld but I could imagine it happening to Elaine. They would call him “The crier.” 😂

 

O-M-G! That is sadly hilarious! DO tell more!

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I have other weird date stories.

 

I’ve been out with a guy who tried to plan our wedding after two dates when I was 18.

 

I went on a first date with a guy who told me about the hot girl he was into. That happened to be his best friends girlfriend!

 

I went out with a guy I was into but as I was getting into the car said something so air headed. I told him I better shut the car door so I don’t let all the air out. Needless to say I never saw him again.

 

I went out with a guy on a first date when I was 19 and we were dressed exactly the same. It was a blind date set up by my friend. I had on a long sleeved white v neck shirt with a blue sporty vest. He showed up with the same shirt and vest.

He said he couldn’t see me again because my house was ‘too’ small for his taste.

 

I went on a date at 20 where the waiter gave me his phone number in front of my date! He then said “ You know, just in case this doesn’t work out.”

 

After my eleven year relationship ended. The dates got worse.

 

One guy started an argument with me why it wasn’t plausible my dad had back problems. The guy never even met my dad!

 

Yeah then the being yelled at in the movie theatre by one date because I wasn’t finding a seat fast enough.

 

I’m lucky I finally found an awesome guy and I’m no longer in the dating world. 😂

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My weirdest date was with a guy who seemed like a nice guy. We went for coffee in a small coffee shop. It all seemed normal up until we sat down.

 

He started staring...I mean, really STARING. He kept saying.."you're pretty" without blinking.

 

I got uncomfortable and had a nervous laugh and kept trying to engage him into conversation, but he wouldn't answer me or add anything to the conversation.

 

He literally just kept staring saying.."pretty".

 

I was convinced I was going to end up in his basement tied up, so I got the heck out of there and while running out the door, he yelled.."Can I call you?" I yelled back.."NO!"

 

Never been so weirded out by someone in all my life.

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Love this thread! I have a surplus of stories, for better or worse, but I'll start with an old faithful.

 

First date after a three year relationship ends. I'm a bit wobbly, probably not "ready," but my match seems like the perfect candidate for a mature, go-nowhere meet up. She's 38, has a 4 year old, a killer job, came across in our few texts as "together" in a "chill" way. Adult through and through, or so the initial tea leaves said.

 

We meet for a margarita on a bitterly cold evening. No sparkly vibes, but nice chatter. Adult—a word I stress, not just to foreshadow what's to come, but to better understand my own moment mentally. My ex was 12 years my junior and the demise of that forced me to address my own lack of maturity in trying to bridge significant age gaps. Adult, in other words, was very important to me.

 

We decide to bop into the fancy new bar next door. In the span of, I don't know, half an hour she puts back three or four $15 cocktails. Cue a dark, palpable shift in the mood, the dead eyes of booze bringing a deep well of inner sadness to the surface. "Why, why, why..."?" she mumbles. "Why is it all so stupid and worthless?"

 

I try to lighten the mood, while also being understanding, basically asking her if she's maybe freshly out of something. A surly nod yes. "Look, I get it," I say. "I'm two months out." Vacant stare. "You're maybe," I venture, "more like two hours out?" Surly nod. "It's cool," I say. "Life—it's crazy, isn't it?" She answers this by telling me she wants a cigarette.

 

I used to smoke, will have one from time to time, am looking for any excuse to wrap this up. We go out into the freezing night, she bums a smoke. I take a drag or two, saying nothing. "Stop being so f'ing pious!" she starts scolding me, though I think "me" was a stand-in for another man by this point. I say it's time to call it a night.

 

Her eyes are now doing a new thing, where they're each being pulled back into her head and slightly different frequencies. Ugh. I was not raised to leave women on city streets in this condition, so I ask where she lives, knowing it's nearby. Unintelligible mumbling. It is tundra cold outside. I snap my fingers in her face. "What is the address you write down when your child has school matters?"

 

She hiccups it out. Half a block away. Phew. I get her to the door. Reaching for her keys she drops her purse—pill bottles across the stoop. She buzzes the buzzer, a nanny arrives. The nanny and I exchange a look and I can see in the nanny's eyes that this is not a first. I try to tell the nanny, with my eyes, that I am not what she may think I am. I help my date up the stairs, to her floor, through the door.

 

Here something amazing occurs that exists in my mind in slow motion. As she takes two steps into her living room, the nanny takes two steps backward, out the door, leaving me alone. I suspect the last look the nanny saw on my face was the look of someone in an action movie—the part where they are hanging from a cliff, holding onto a slippery hand, and then losing the grip before plummeting.

 

Door shut, I turn around and see my "date" fall, timber like, onto the floor. Blacked out. She's okay, but deeply unconscious. Fun. I can hear the faint sounds of a child rustling in a nearby bedroom. I was not raised to leave children alone in such situations.

 

So, what to do?

 

Well, I kind of make myself at home for a minute. I use the bathroom, skim through a magazine, reflecting, with a Scandinavian morbidity, on my new life as a mature, single, nearly 40 year old man. I rouse my date, determining, best I can, that even in her fog she is not a complete zombie—that were her kid to need mommy, she could do a shell of a mommy impression. Then I leave.

 

A few weeks later she texted me merry Christmas, asking if we could try again. I didn't respond, didn't go on any more dates for many months.

Edited by bluecastle
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I made the mistake of going over to someone's place for a movie after dinner. I was fresh out of a relationship and things got... well, fresh. I froze, stood up abruptly and blurted out, "I'm very sorry but I've got to do some laundry." (In someone else's house! I had nothing else to say.) He was so shocked he stood up also and didn't say a word. I thanked him for the time, apologized and drove away feeling terrible about the misunderstanding but also very disoriented. Anyway I'm glad I left. I didn't feel comfortable at all and I know I shouldn't have agreed to the movie. I wasn't even aware I was putting out any sexual vibes. I was in a completely different head space and it was such a wake up call.

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I went out with a girl from online dating who I didn't quite click with. The thing that stood out to me the most about her was how much she loved the character Sonic the Hedgehog. In fact, the way I was supposed to identify her when we met up, was to look for the girl with the sonic t-shirt. Afterwards, I sent her the let down message. It was one of the first I had done at that time since online dating. I felt really bad about it. (I've gotten used to letting people down since then haha).

 

Two years later, I'm out with another girl from online dating. We get to talking about video games... I love them so it usually comes up. She says that she doesn't play them much, but her sister really likes sonic. Had like, sonic bedsheets and posters and stuff.

 

It doesn't connect for me. I barrel forward.

 

"Oh yeah, that's funny. I find not that many people are into Sonic. I went out with someone who liked sonic a couple years ago. It was too bad we didn't work out. I just didn't find her that attractive."

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I was fundamentally forced to go out on a blind date because my parents were worried I was dating (apparently, I was supposed to be spending time going out with people I had no interest in because I might suddenly find myself attracted to them). One fella kept excusing himself and calling his roommate for encouragement, and then during dinner he explained that he couldn't talk to me while we ate because he was "protective of his food." -- his siblings would sometimes steal a piece of his food here or there, and he just couldn't get over it. Did I mention that his whole body hung from his cheeks? No neck.

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OK, someone suggested this on another Thread!

 

Anyone ever have a date that went like something off of a Seinfeld episode? Stories like "Man Hands", "Low Talkers", "Poppy Gettin' Sloppy"!!!

 

Camber, you have no idea how happy I am that you made this thread! This is fantastic. Seriously, you made my day. Lol. Thank you! 🙏

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Once upon a time I went out with this cute guy who I actually really enjoyed being with. There is nothing bad I can say about him, but I just couldn't get past his smell. He wasn't stinky in the least, and he had good hygiene. But he had what I perceived as this super strong family smell that was not attractive to me at all. Almost too familiar?!

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A librarian (it's important) I met at a wedding and I seemed to click over the phone and other conversations; things on paper seemed really promising. Same humor, complimentary interests, and she was quite a looker too. We settled on a proper first date; and things went amazingly well. We decided to go for a walk after dinner, there was a slight drizzle so I donned my cap and did all the gentlemanly things to keep her dry. We duck into a book store, me thinking my hair is a sopping mess now leaves the cap on. Things are still going well, but she decides to call it a night soon after. The next day I get a call from my friend, who set us up; told me this lady was upset I was disrespectful of books by not taking my hat off!

 

Then the woman who, I thought was a little dull just due to nerves... Our second date a week after the first, she wore the same non-flattering clothes and told me the same stories verbatim, and in the same order. I have never run for my car in the middle of a date, but this time I did!

 

Maybe one of the oddest was the stunning model I went on a date with, both in our mid 20s at the time and I was willing to drive 4 hours for a date; we had met by chance at a museum. I show up at her place, turns out she's living with her parents; and suddenly I am reliving my 17 year old self meeting the dad stuff. It was semi comical and yet kind of off putting. Dinner went well, then off to bowling which was a lot of fun and I was thinking; wow I really am a lucky guy this is a great date, chemistry is off the charts. I take her home, and the wheels fall off; the ankle biter showed up and her attentiveness and affection goes out the window. Not even a hug goodbye as she shoves that weird little dog in my face. We talk a time or two more, I express that I am not as excited to see her and I go NC, two years later she calls me up and tells me she is getting married and that I should let her go.

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oh. . where do I start?!!

 

OK. . . Not proud of this and it will sound horrible in print, but years ago I used to joke about `never knowing who'd show up to an online meet 'n greet `my luck I'd meet some guy dragging his foot behind him' (terrible, I know)

 

At some point I arranged to meet a man and he had a clubbed foot with an orthopedic shoe that added an additional 4 inches to one leg. We agreed to meet at the local beach peer and go for a walk. I felt kinda stunned, guilty and honestly couldn't form a sentence to speak . I think it had to be karma or something happening to teach me a lesson about sensitivity.

 

I stopped joking about that

 

(I have several stories, but I'll stop at 2)

I had some guy reach out to me online, we chatted for a couple days and arranged to meet. The night before our meeting he asked me for a private email address because there was something important he wanted to share. From there he sent me a long detailed expectation of our meeting and how due to liberation and sexism and men demanding to no longer be taken advantage of, blah, blah, that he wouldn't be paying for our date and I need to be prepared to pay for my own.

 

I had several issues with this email First off, I typically show up early and buy my coffee/drink, so that's a non issue. His letter was condescending misogynistic and preachy. I text him back after having read the letter and assured him I would have paid for my own drink anyhow, but seeing that he found it important to presumptuously lecture me about forehand, I was going have to decline the date after rall. I didn't think we'd be a good match. He flipped out on me and blew up my phone. I had to block him. Sheees!

 

The following day an acquaintance friend of mine posted an obnoxious email she received from a potential match on FB. It was the exact same guy and the identical letter. She went one massive step further and not only cancelled on him but flamed him social media. I can't believe he thought this was a good idea and wonder how many other times he did this.

 

Ok - last one. I am 5'8" You tell me your 5'10, I am wearing 2 inch heels on our date. I show up, you turn around and are now nervously staring at my collar bone and have to scan up from there to meet my eyes. Why put us through this unnecessarily awkward moment you can not possibly recover from? Especially when I don't have a strict height requirement to begin with. I don't get it. It's happened more times than I can count.

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From OLD website, I agree to meet someone at a restaurant bar. I walk in, it's crowded and there's my date saving the last bar stool for me. I walk up, he gestures for me to sit. We chat for a couple minutes, I order a drink and with that he asks for my hand. I put my hand out, palm up and he places a house key in it and tells me to hold onto it and he'll be right back. He leaves the restaurant.

 

I sit there by myself staring at this key in my palm and as I am unwinding this riddle, it comes to me what's going on and then he no sooner returns with a big smile on his face. He proudly tells me that he left his wallet in his car and had I not been up to his standards he wouldn't have given me the key as a guarantee of his return. (he would have just left)

 

`Hmmm, lucky me' I say, staring at the key. I handed him back his key, jumped off the bar stool left the restaurant. This was his well executed drill he used on women. I wasn't flattered at all.

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Hilarious reinvent.

 

Another from me: Third date with someone who seems promising. First date was an afternoon spritz, second a glass of wine. Nice chats, and a nice kiss, have taken place. Very PG.

 

We meet for a walk, in a local neighborhood known to be lovely: narrow streets, pretty homes, canals. We meet on a corner, but she says she forgot something at home, wouldn't mind changing. She lives half a block away. No sweat. It's one in the afternoon, many hours from the hours when things can get weird. Or so I think.

 

I sit in a kind of enclosed courtyard while she goes inside. A few minutes later she emerges wearing a new top, a simple button-down. When I make eye contact she starts pulling at the collar area, as if she is very hot, though the weather outside is perfectly tepid. "Look," she says, in a kind of breathless voiceover voice. Then, in the same second: "Don't look!" This routine continues, a bit, until her breast is out, but covered in her hand. "Look—don't look."

 

I just kind of sit there, frozen. It really doesn't feel like a come on but like...well, something I don't understand or want to be part of. She vanishes back into the house, comes down in a dress. Does the same routine, is met with my same frozen stare. I'm truly bewildered. No sign of this on the first dates, where we talked opera, nomadic lifestyles, laughed.

 

Ended up going for the walk. Normal enough—except did that really happen? Back home, I sent her the classic "don't think this is going to work" text. She was mature about that, but two days later sent me an elliptical text. It read, "Children can become mute."

 

Which has become shorthand among my friends for: dating—it's weird. "Children can become mute," we say, clinking glasses at the bizarro thing that is life and trying to connect.

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Which has become shorthand among my friends for: dating—it's weird. "Children can become mute," we say, clinking glasses at the bizarro thing that is life and trying to connect.

 

Goodness. I would be very confused about what went on as well. Was that supposed to performance art? a test?

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Was that supposed to performance art?

 

That's what it felt like—like a fringe performance art show from the 70s. As compellingly strange as it was totally unnerving and off-putting. A friend of mine presumed that she was reenacting scenes from a prior relationship, hoping for different results.

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That's what it felt like—like a fringe performance art show from the 70s. As compellingly strange as it was totally unnerving and off-putting. A friend of mine presumed that she was reenacting scenes from a prior relationship, hoping for different results.

 

If she intended to do a little wardrobe malfunction to give you a little peek, you would think it would be quick and accompanied by a little laugh or a "whoops!" and a wink. but the whole costume change thing.

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This thread is a riot.

 

One that come to mind is we met at this restaurant bar, very quiet upscale place. My date shows up badly limping, like barely able to walk. Needless to say, I asked what happened.....and wished I hadn't. Instead of a polite "I hurt my back" I got a graphic, second by second detailed account of how him and his ex were having post break up sex and how he got hurt during that. At some point the bartender, who couldn't help but overhear this, poured me a stiff drink without being asked....not that I could have. For 30 minutes straight the dude talked so much about it that you couldn't get a word in edgewise. Toward the end of those excruciating 30 minutes of verbal porn I wasn't interested in, as I was desperately gesturing for the check.....the bartender had handwritten in "On the house. I've been bartending for over 20 year and have never seen this kind of an idiot and I've SEEN idiots." The bartender was more correct than he knew. Even after my abrupt departure, the guy kept contacting me for another date and he just couldn't understand why I rejected him.....talk about clueless.....smh.... It was funny after the fact, but during was really quite gross.

 

Another date was a guy well over 6' and the minute he saw me, he went on about how I'm tall enough for him and then proceeded to talk in detail about our married life and respective duties and expectations he has all the way down to daily time schedule and what he wants to do once he is home and what he expects me to do as well. It was surreal. Another one where you couldn't get a word in edgewise to the point where I simply stood up, picked up my purse and started walking to my car. He just followed...still talking.....and as I was closing my car door in his face, heard him say something about "So I'll see you Tuesday at 6pm."

 

My hairdresser heard a lot of my dating adventures and he diagnosed it all as a bad case of verbal diarrhea.

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