My newer bf hates to talk about emotions doesn’t say many loving things

[katrina1980]

I've never once expected my wife to speak my "love language." The entire idea for me has been to understand each others' so that we can better appreciate the love language we're both inclined to "speak." I chose to be with her due to who she is comfortably and naturally, not to have needlessly dramatic conversations with because I'm too immature to recognize and appreciate affection being expressed differently. And if we really were so different I indeed couldn't fully appreciate it, I'd just find someone else-- certainly after only four months in. If I had, that much would be on me, not her. And that would be fair enough.

 

So no, I don't think there's any red flag here as far he he goes. Perhaps it speaks to incompatibility in general, but not to any fault. If he weren't conveying affection at all, it'd be a concern. But he seems to be expressing the value he puts in you just fine.

 

Yes, this^^!!! 100% spot on!

 

Jenn, try to not overthink this too much, which is easy to do when reading varying responses.

 

Bottom line, try to not allow your anxiety or fear of getting hurt to drive this ship.

 

Dating is a risk, there is no way around that. Have confidence that you will be okay no matter what happens, which you will be!!

 

Accept him, enjoy him, enjoy your blossoming relationship, let it play out gradually and naturally, no pushing!

 

Good luck to both of you!

[bluecastle]

My impression, which OP can clarify, is that the "next in line" comment came from her own mind, not from his mouth. Her wondering if she is "in line" to become his next ex. Anxious thinking, anxious projecting, which there seems to be quite a bit of inside this dynamic.

 

There's great advice in every post on this thread, and my gut is to add to the chorus of: deep breaths, relax, he sounds good, trust time, trust yourself, don't overthink, and so on. And if that's possible, authentically, I think you're in for a great ride—with him, with life in general, because it's more about cultivating a state of being rather than bending yourself to accommodate this man.

 

But I also can't help but wonder if this kind of dynamic actually happens in reality: where someone who is consumed by anxiety and fears can "learn" to be calm, appreciative, and thrilled alongside the very person who, for whatever reason, has triggered those anxieties and fears. I get how we can do this on our own, and how it can help when we get involved with someone—the way, say, I'm sure my decade of yoga has helped me navigate the first 8 months of my new relationship, allowing me to be more calm where maybe I would have once been freaking out. But that's different than suddenly taking up yoga because meeting my girlfriend has made a ball of nerves.

 

Cheryl talked about "changing the way you think," and offered examples of her own marriage, one where full gas tanks, not florid sonnets, soothe the heart and strengthen the bond. Lovely. But did Cheryl (I ask this earnestly) spend the first four months—or first year, per her recommendation to OP—in an overthinking tizzy, doubting her now husband's feelings for her and rewiring her brain to process those doubts differently, to "underthink" in order to connect and find nuptial bliss? Or was it just...pretty great? Did she just feel what she needed to feel to keep leaning in?

 

I think Rose has offered some wonderful insight here as well—about the nature of being, the nature of loving, how you don't really build love, together, if you can't accept (reemphasized by K above) the inherent risk at the heart of it all, be it after four months of 40 years. Otherwise what you are calling love is more something that exists in a vacuum, a relabeling of the fears and anxieties that are limiting the connection as a powerful connection, which I can't help but feel has happened here a bit.

 

Still, I wonder: Can this mindset be suddenly embraced? Can someone just "be confident" inside of something that is zapping confidence? Should courtship feel like learning a new language, or is it about finding someone who speaks more or less the same language as you do—not identical, of course, but not so foreign as to leave you routinely isolated?

 

I speak English and French fluently, for instance, which allows me to get by among Spanish and Italian speakers. Easy to relax, connect, even slowly, thrillingly learn a new language without feeling like a fool. But put me in front of someone who only speaks Chinese or Hindi and I'm pretty lost, overwhelmed, skittish. That's no one's fault, just reality. Speaking for myself, I don't want romance or partnership to feel like being airlifted from Minnesota to Mumbai and having to adapt on the fly in order to find food and shelter and stave off the hollowing sense of isolation.

 

Like J.man said, if I was feeling this isolated after four months with someone it would more likely be a sign that I was in the wrong country than a sign that I needed to download Rosetta Stone and start cramming for the entry exam to get my visa. To my eyes, along with plenty others here, this guy seems pretty great, the pace of everything seems pretty great, and as a zealous romantic I'd love to see it all work out. I hope it does. But there is a point where anxiety is its own language to listen to, rather than to fight, since it may simply be telling you that, great dude that he is, he's not great for you.

 

Part of the reason I asked about the advice your friends have given is to know if it's different, or if it lines up with what people are saying here. If it's the same, you may find yourself running out of voices to encourage you to relax and go with the flow—a week from now, another few months from now—if that voice doesn't at some point become an authentic one inside yourself.

 

I'm not saying you need to react to all that right away, but just to allow it to be something you observe as a possibility as you go about making adjustments to how you approach this and think about it. Like the trip you're soon to take together, this whole thing should feel more like a vacation than an endurance test or graduate level language course.

[Rose Mosse]

I second the idea of learning to lean on your own instincts over time. I think healing from your past experiences/relationship and recovering from your old wounds helps to increase self-esteem and trust in yourself. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself either if you feel that someone isn't quite right for you or compatible with your views on life or love etc. What matters is that you are at peace with yourself and your decisions.

[Jenn3164]

Many thanks to all of you who took the time to write some really insightful and thoughtful views. I see a lot more than I did. A lot of it is me. Growing up I became hugely insecure and I do believe we can all change provided we want to. But also know I won’t chsnge to please someone all the way some change to do that is ok. Also to clarify my statement about “next in line” was definitely not about becoming the next ex but the next to go on that trip following his exes. Which is ok. Other men have new wives gfs over the decades etc

I truly truly appreciate all these views and need them to “check” myself. I have the habit of also spiraling when I get insecure. But bottom line for me I’ll just say for now he is great ! And we are happy together! Thank you guys again so much

[Cherylyn]

@bluecastle, "Changing the way you think" makes you or anyone look at the issue through a different lens or from a different angle. People here on this forum are helpful and kind showing the OP various perspectives which I think is wonderful.

 

Regarding my own marriage, every marriage has its seasons. Of course, there was the courtship and newlywed phase and then there's a beat or rhythm of comfort and general unspoken respect and love through actions as opposed to just hot air all the time which can grow tiresome if it's just words and nothing else to back it up.

 

Life is a lot of work. It's not about gushing syrupy sweet compliments to a person night and day. Who will bring home the money? Who will pay the bills? Who will run errands such as grocery shop, get gas, go to CVS, Target, Costco, etc.? Who will do the laundry, clean the house, do the yard work? Who will repair cars and maintain them? Who will wash and vacuum the cars? Who will fix it if something breaks down in the house such as construction, plumbing, electrical or install hardware? Who will do the home improvement stuff? Who will cook and do kitchen clean up? Who will pack lunches for tomorrow's work? Everyday living is a lot of work and life gets so busy and laborious. Who will get all that done? If someone in your life can make your life easier so you can actually enjoy it, then that's real love instead of sappy sentiments and then sitting down to watch TV for hours while the other person does all the work.

 

I think it's wonderful for couples to tell each other they love each other. My husband and I have those verbal exchanges, however, we don't place super importance in those words because, for example, instead of telling me "I love you" ad nauseum 24 / 7, he expresses his love by being a true, selfless man. He thinks of others before himself. He's very modest and humble. In marriage, he puts me before himself. If something needs to get done, he does it w/o fanfare. I appreciate him and he knows it. He keeps the household humming smoothly because he makes life easy and comfortable. After I come home from a long, hard day of work, everything is miraculously done and taken care of. He picks up the slack. It makes me love him all the more. No words necessary. I can see with my own eyes what real, true love is.

[Cherylyn]

Also, keep in mind, what a person does NOT say is often times more important than what they do say or write. Is the man considerate and does he show you and others respect? Does he use foul language or does he refrain from it and act like a gentleman? Is he moral? Is he honorable? Can you trust him if your very life depended on it? Does he treat you with dignity and does he possess integrity? Does he have good manners? Is he selfless? Will he do things for you without your having to ask? Is he several steps ahead of you in the consideration dept? Is he a man whom you can be proud of in public and socially? Does he know how to behave properly and does he have class? To me, all those characteristic traits are so beautiful. To the OP, if your guy has these stellar qualities, appreciate them because at the end of the day, generally women appreciate the quality of a man's character which is the top of the list.

 

No woman in their right mind wants to be with a jerk.

 

No one wants to be with a jerk yet the jerk can be a talker and full of hot air. What good is that? It's better to be with a quiet man who doesn't talk too much. No one wants to be with a guy who is all talk and no go. Zero in on what is important which are demonstrations of love without talking.

 

My cousin's husband is a talker yet he's LAZY. My BIL (bro-in-law) is the same. Both wives run around haggard to sustain their households. I think I'll keep my quiet husband's personality and character because he makes my life and marriage very comfortable and more enjoyable. Happy wife equals happy life.

[reinventmyself]

I've read this entire thread and all I can say is - I am not very verbal, whereas my boyfriend is. He's the one the celebrates every month passing and say's `love you!' almost every time we end a phone call.

 

It doesn't make me a bad person, neglectful or any of other negative scenarios people have come up with.

 

What it makes us is - different.

 

My bf is very secure, it doesn't bother him and he doesn't even miss a beat when I am not able to meet him half way, verbally.

 

We haven't really even discussed it. I meet his needs in every other way and he trusts how I feel about him based on my actions.

 

It's really not that complicated. . at least not for us.

[Jenn3164]

It’s me the OP. Pls help. And pls be kind. He and I are good. It’s been 6months but I’m feeling so in secure. He still has his ex gf up in pics in FB just about 4. I asked him about it before and he took them down there used to be about 20. They are also friends on fb but don’t talk. I’ve seen him like stuff here and there. He forgot to remove the 4 or thought he did. I said it’s fine don’t worry about it.

He has not put us up on fb and before has said he thought we should wait. I don’t know why. I try to be cool and confident but it hurts. I like him so much so to deal with his non verbal ways to telling me nice things. He is still very action doing loving things. Holds my hand always He also didn’t get me flowers for 6month or card and I reminded him of it and he said “oh crud I forgot I’m sorry I ususally nail these things “. So I feel so second place. So not liked. He has said we are great together he has had great 6 months and I’ve met everyone. He has said he wants to love me that’s he wants us to be great Etc. I hate to bri ng up this stuff again. I won’t ask if we’re on the same page but I want to know. I’m hurt. Idk what to do.

[Jenn3164]

I should say the ex gf and he were together just less than 4 yrs. she ended it.they ended in 7/2018. He says he has had a lot of gf end with him. Says he does get scared it’ll happen again. Said that one time along time ago. I had a long term too and it ended the same time frame. He never asks anything about my ex and me. Nor does he ask if I’m happy or if I’d ever leave or if I’mOn the same page etc. He is a wonderful man so far. I just need help on this before i spill it. He also gave me flowers and card for our first month ! Thank you.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. All you can do is observe if his preoccupied and obsessed behavior is and how his mind and heart do not seem to be with you, unless you complain, remind, get upset, etc. That is not really how you want to feel after 6 mos, is it?.

It’s been 6months but I’m feeling so in secure. He still has his ex gf up in pics in FB just about 4. I asked him about it before and he took them down there used to be about 20. He also didn’t get me flowers for 6month or card and I reminded him of it and he said “oh crud I forgot I’m sorry I ususally nail these things “.

[reinventmyself]

6 month anniversary and you need a card and flowers or you get insecure? You felt you had to tell him that you expected them?

Look, your insecurities are yours to deal with. Not his to manage.

 

He's not verbal. This is who he is. Period. This is what you've signed up and are you going to be ok with that from here on. Because if the lack of flowers and flowery words causes you to spiral then you need to learn how to self soothe yourself or find another boyfriend.

[MurphyB]

You said your main love language is "words of affirmation".

 

Ditto to this OP.

I feel you are not suited to this guy. You are too needy for him and unless you find a way to change that, you'll not be happy, nor him.

[bluecastle]

What the others are saying.

 

The good news here is that your feelings in this relationship are consistent: you're nervous, anxious, worried it's crumbling while looking for signs (flowers, FB) that it's not. So, at 6 months you are right where you were at 4. Observe that as a fact, not a judgement, and then ask: Is this the kind of relationship you want to be in?

 

That is the question to take seriously, for yourself, not to turn him into a test to answer. He's just a person, giving you what he's giving you: himself, who he is. If it's not enough, it's not enough. If you think it's enough, but that you've got a bad habit of spiraling—well, then you have to look at that habit the way a smoker looks at cigarettes: something to curb, and eradicate.

 

The trouble with the way you're thinking—the constant testing—is that it creates a system where nothing is ever enough. You address FB, he deletes 16 pics, and you wonder what's up with the other 4. Now "4" has become a higher number than "20," thanks to wild math. You poke for flowers—so, okay, what happens when he gets you flowers for month 7? Are you over the moon, or looping in your head about whether he did it only because you poked? Are you wondering why only one dozen and not two? See what I'm saying? It's a cup with no bottom, and your drain yourself by trying to be filled up.

 

Things should be pretty easy at 6 months, even at 6 years. If they are this hard this early, it is worth asking if you're on the right ride.

[bluecastle]

Question: Do you wish he asked you more about your ex? If so, it's worth asking a hard question: Do you think you are able, six months in, to see him as a person rather than as your Not Ex or Next Ex?

 

Guess I'm just trying to understand why him not asking is a negative and why his wanting to make your last relationship part of this relationship a positive.

[Jenn3164]

Thank you everyone. I appreciate it. Yes I spiral and yes I can be negative thinking the worst. Yes I can act like a baby. I just don’t understand if he really likes me as he says and has shown, why would he not want to post me on fb. ? I’m a non entity there while she is up. It hurts. And why if he likes me would he not get a card or whatever for 6months. He said he usually nails this. Obviously he did it for her. So it makes me feel like second best. I’m just very jealous. I feel we are suited for each other. I’m just not used to such a non expressive man.

[Batya33]

Do you want someone who usually "nails this" -meaning generally goes through the motions at the appointed time - or someone who truly desires to show he cares whether it's the 6 month or otherwise. If you feel yourself acting like a baby around him too much then it doesn't sound like a healthful relationship to me.

[Wiseman2]

It may be best to access the overall satisfaction after 24 weeks of dating. This is a good time to decide if he makes you happy or not. It's not the time to make mountains out of molehills unless this trivia represents how dissatisfied you are in general. Most people's lives do not revolve around fb status or 6 mos anniversaries. Are you from a different culture/socioeconomic status than he is?

if he really likes me why would he not want to post me on fb. ?

if he likes me would he not get a card or whatever for 6months.

Obviously he did it for her.

I’m just very jealous.

[Jenn3164]

Wiseman. What do you mean. From a different culture socioeconomic bkgd? We are on same culture and money. Not sure what that means?

I do like him I just donÂ’t want to be hurt in future if he decides IÂ’m not what he wants and it seems IÂ’m still conpeting with his ex since IÂ’m no where to be found on his social media.

[Wiseman2]

There seems to be some difference in how you express things and what the expectations are. For example you place a great deal of value on fb posts, 6mo anniversaries, etc. Many people don't care about that if the relationship is going well otherwise..

I do like him I just donÂ’t want to be hurt in future if he decides IÂ’m not what he wants

[bluecastle]

Thank you everyone. I appreciate it. Yes I spiral and yes I can be negative thinking the worst. Yes I can act like a baby. I just don’t understand if he really likes me as he says and has shown, why would he not want to post me on fb. ? I’m a non entity there while she is up. It hurts. And why if he likes me would he not get a card or whatever for 6months. He said he usually nails this. Obviously he did it for her. So it makes me feel like second best. I’m just very jealous. I feel we are suited for each other. I’m just not used to such a non expressive man.

 

Can you try to articulate why you feel you are suited for each other?

 

I ask that, earnestly, because I'm trying to understand how certain feelings—jealousy, doubts about someone's care for you, a sense of being second best—can exist at such a high frequency with someone you feel compliments you. I also ask that to encourage you, along with Wiseman, to assess the past 6 months, in the calm of your mind, and determine if you feel it is a foundation you can build on in a way that strengthens the core foundation that is you.

 

When you look in the mirror these days are you seeing your best self? Are you generally calm and content in your skin, throughout your days? These are the sort of questions I ask myself to determine if I'm working with someone, as well as: Do I/we handle the moments of edginess and discontent with grace? A warm body, sexual pleasure, someone who also likes Malaysian food and hiking—all that is kind of irrelevant, to me, if I can't be calm inside my skin.

 

Personally, I feel that it's important in the modern era to be compatible when it comes to social media. Me, for what it's worth? My view is almost the polar opposite of yours, in that it's critical to me that social media is not used as a gauge to measure feelings or relationship health. During the first 6 months of my relationship neither I or my girlfriend appeared anywhere on each other's feeds, which I liked. Nor did we ever talk about this stuff. I liked that too, a lot.

 

It felt, to me, that we were protecting this new, fragile, very special thing—and just organically on the same page when it came to going about that. Had I or she needed someone who was more effusive with the posting and tagging—well, no judgement, but I don't think we'd still be together. Would't be that different from having great talks about books leading to months of mediocre sex—just a basic incompatibility, not a verdict on either of us.

 

Something to think about: Do you feel you are competing with his ex because, somewhere in your mind, you are still competing with yours? I recall you being very bent out of shape when your ex started seeing someone 2.5 months after you guys ended. Could you still be trying to "win" that phantom battle?

[Jenn3164]

And I’m just constantly comparing myself to his ex

-I keep thinking he’s still wants her cause she’s on his fb and he knows it bothers me.

-He doesn’t want to post us after 6 months

-I want to know we are on same page.

-he has said many things about not wanting her and she and he faded out. Just remained amicable

-I wpuld think he’s proud of me but not enough to post me But I guess he’s proud of her

—I wonder too if he’s keeping me a secret from her

-I wonder why I wasn’t great enough tto him to celebrate 6minths as he implied he has with her.

[Jenn3164]

Bluecastle. Thank you too thanks all of you. You opened my eyes too. I am usually not so content in my skin (childhood etc). Working on it. I r just never encountered this type before. I want to be as you described ....growing a relationship rather than seeing it on fb. It’s very hard for me to do calm myself about this stuff. I’m very scared to be hurt as I was before. Thank you all so very much for all Input.

[Wiseman2]

The only way yo be 'on the same page' with him is to pull way back and not invest this much in him or expect much. It may be time to date someone who you feel enthused about and you perceive as being into you.

-I want to know we are on same page.

[Jenn3164]

He is enthused over me. He texts me morning thru day and night and wants to see me a lot. He takes me out holds my hand anyway he can to touch me. I’ve met all fam kids friends. We all have fun. It’s me who gets insecure about all this I wrote

[bluecastle]

I want to be as you described ....growing a relationship rather than seeing it on fb.

 

But it doesn't sound like this is what you truly want. That's okay—a lot of people today want their relationships on social media, see that as part of "growing" it—but if you genuinely wanted what you described you wouldn't be fixated on social media. Or you'd see your fixation on social media as something you need to curb, rather than something he needs to fix by being more active on social media.

 

You say you're scared of being hurt, but look in the mirror: you are hurting. This, what you're describing, is hurt.

 

Something to think about: the job of new people is not to make old hurt go away. That's for us to deal with—and a big part of that, aside from giving ourselves the time we need to heal and sharpening some tools that may have been dulled by life, is investing in people who, for whatever reason, don't stir up too much hurt. I get the impression that, with him, you're gripping tight on a double edged blade: you want him to be the antidote to past pain, yet who he is—not so verbal, not big on Facebook—is just triggering new pain while stirring up old pain.

 

Whether someone texts you 100 times a day or 2 doesn't really matter. What matters is that you feel secure in how they communicate with you, and how you two communicate together. This is part of "chemistry." The generous view of what you're describing here is a lack of chemistry between you two; the less generous view is that you are still too focused on your own hurt to make room for another person.

 

Who do you think thinks about his ex more, you or him? I ask that because you seem to see their relationship as a model of what you want with him. And yet: that is a relationship that did not work. Kind of odd, if you think about it, to want to emulate and imitate something that didn't work, you know?