My newer bf hates to talk about emotions doesn’t say many loving things

[Jenn3164]

Yes that’s very true. I feel stupid hearing this. I want to have our own happy relationship. Not theres that failed. You make lots of sense. And I’m ok with us not on fb if she wasn’t. But she still is and all I’m wondering is if he may be still pining for her or wants to hide me. He has said no way to all this. He says he is done with her and wants to grow us to love me to make us great have fun with us. I need to focus on our positives together. We do have good chemistry. I’m just the insecure part

[bluecastle]

What are you doing—in your life, for yourself—to manage insecurities? Therapy? Yoga? Cardio? It's really good to have a little system for all that outside a relationship, so it doesn't interfere too much with the system you're building.

 

This might be a good time, on that note, to assess your use of social media rather than focus on his. It does not, frankly, sound very healthy. It's a bit like looking at a fashion magazine, but instead of being inspired by the clothing, you just look at the models and then hate what you see in the mirror when you're getting ready to go out. You feel pretty good about yourself, flip through Vogue, then feel worse. Then, weirdly, you get kind of hooked on feeling awful.

 

If social media has a way of doing that to you it is something to address, for your own health. It means it's something in your life, as it is for many, that is making you more insecure than secure.

 

That said, everyone has dealbreakers. I will not date people with certain political views—which, yes, limits my dating pool. But it also means I don't end up in relationships where diners turn into verbal wars. Point being, if someone having a few photos of an ex on FB is a dealbreaker, or if you need someone to honor you by scrubbing those photos—well, own that. And own that he is not that man. Different views, neither nobler than the other, but not compatible for romantic harmony and self-security.

 

That is the kind of "chemistry" I'm talking about. Do you want to spend months learning to like kissing someone you don't really like kissing? Probably not. Do you want to spend months breaking your brain to learn to like social media activity that you don't like? It's really not that different.

[Jenn3164]

I’m feeling good thanks to all your efforts. I’ll work on me while being happy with what and who I’ve got. He is a special man and I know he is happy with us. I’m working on “growing up!” You guys all bit so many issues that are true.

[bluecastle]

Sounds like a great plan, and attitude. Keep us posted.