Not sure what to think. Need help!

[Cinderella000]

Hi, ok I’ve been talking to a guy for a while couple of months, we text and he calls me everyday. We seem to get on really well. We both were not looking for a relationship at the time of meeting but we have suddenly become close and he want something more serious. We are both in our 30s. This sounds all appealing but there is a few issues/problems or even maybe red flags. He is a widow, his wife only died a month ago, I was only there as support at first for him. His wife died of cancer which is very sad. Now he is wanting a relationship with me, he says he did all of his grieving when she was dying. Is that possible? He tells me he even loves me and wants a future with me. I am trying to keep him at a distance as I’m not sure he really does love me or is just extremely lonely? I understand that some people might judge this and think it’s crazy but he is extremely convincing that he loves me and wants to be with me. I do suffer from overthinking and anxiety so I’m not sure if I’m just overthinking this? Please be kind to me, no harsh comments. Thank you.

[SarahLancaster]

Have you met him in person?

[Cinderella000]

Have you met him in person?

No I’ve not. I know this all sounds bad but he is extremely convincing.

[melancholy123]

OMG this is sick. That man is not over his wife, she only died a month ago. He is not in love with you, he doesnt even know you. You havent even met him! He probably is lonely, I dont doubt that, but this is not right. You'd be a rebound in a really sad way.

[figureitout23]

Hi,

Ok here’s the problem I seem to get insecure when a man I like (get feelings) tells me they love me. I noticed this after I was getting strong feelings for this guy and he told me he loved me, I was happy and extremely flattered but I suddenly started to become very insecure. I started to become slightly different, a bit more needy which was not me and I’m not a needy person. I think that’s one of the reasons he liked me because I wasn’t clingy. Why is this? What can I do? Do I need to work more on loving myself more? Am I scared that they will stop loving me? Has anyone else felt like this? Thanks in advance x

 

Same guy?

 

How long is this relationship? It could be your BS meter going off

 

If so, man my advice was spot on!

[maew]

He is not over her or he would be dating women in real life instead of over the phone.

 

Red flags indeed... also for you OP as you are attracted to unavailable men.

 

I would even go further to say this guy may be catfishing you with this story and may not be who he says he is.

[bluecastle]

I’m not sure he really does love me or is just extremely lonely?

 

I wonder what your answer to this question would be if you asked it of yourself instead of him.

[SarahLancaster]

Sounds like he could be a scammer.

[melancholy123]

I would even go further to say this guy may be catfishing you with this story and may not be who he says he is.

 

I thought that too, he may be full of sh*t as well as stringing you along. He may be a she, for all you know.

[Rose Mosse]

You're losing with this one, C.

1) you're randomly there for support for an online man you've never met (what's going on in your life that you're so available?) 2) he's dealing with some heavy stuff 3) he pulled the L word on you and you probably don't even know if he has a birthmark or where 4) you're second guessing yourself, wasting your time and your breath over someone you don't know

 

What happened here? What's going on with you that this is happening?

[LuvsLuv]

It sounds like he's still full of grief and just lonely. He can't be in love with anyone so soon. He's definitely ON THE REBOUND. Beware and steer clear....

[Wiseman2]

How did you happen upon him online? Unfortunately this sounds like scamming or catfishing. Be careful and do not give out personal info.

No I’ve not. I know this all sounds bad but he is extremely convincing.

[Cherylyn]

This man is moving way TOO FAST. His wife only died a month ago! It's a very big red flag that he's already plunging into the dating scene so rapidly! I'd be leery if I were you because he's abnormal. I don't believe in grieving only when someone is dying. Generally, people are bereft for a long time after losing their loved ones. It's strange how he's professing his love for you and desires a future with you immediately after his wife passed away; creepy even.

 

It sounds as if he's desperately lonely and incredibly insecure! He's latching onto you.

 

I think you should slow down. You can be a supportive friend but back off. His over zealous behavior is alarming! Beware.

[Gary Snyder]

Yes it's possible that he's on the rebound and not healed.

 

But also, don't date men that don't ask to meet within a few weeks at most - and you have been talking for months. There are probably issues - could be a scammer, catfish, on the rebound, any number of things. Its a big red flag.

[Andrina]

Obviously he's long distance, otherwise why wouldn't you two have met up yet? LDRs have a high failure rate because you can't date at a normal pace, amongst numerous other cons.

 

Communicating without physically getting together is a fantasy world. You can't love someone you've never met. You can merely be infatuated with the fantasy of who you think the person is.

 

Never waste your time on anyone you can't regularly meet up with, starting within 2 weeks of communication. This prevents wasting time on a catfish and/or a high risk LDR. I always limited myself to men who lived within a 45 minute drive of me on OLD.

 

If this is someone who contacted you on Facebook, beware of catfish scams. About twice a month, I get friend requests from men who are supposedly of my citizenship but list jobs such as cargo ship captain, or Army captain, and they all list widow or divorced with their profiles. They are always around my age and a little above average in looks. It's so laughable to me that anyone believes these fake profiles. They are trying to prey on vulnerable women who would love attention from a good-looking man. They are always out of the country but returning to your location "soon." (I've always deleted their friend requests, but do watch Dr. Phil shows and have seen other shows where people have been duped) And then they run into money problems that you, their future wife, can solve by helping them out. Only then can they join you in your location to start a beautiful future together.

 

Try meet up.com group in your area if it's a bf you want. You will be able to see men in 3D and gradually get to know them outside of a computer.

[Jibralta]

I am trying to keep him at a distance as I’m not sure he really does love me or is just extremely lonely?

 

I would definitely put the breaks on this for a couple of years. Mourning is a complex process that has many different phases. The phases occur in no particular order and often repeat. The euphoria he is feeling right now is most likely temporary--relief that a long and painful process is finally over for both of them.

 

It's natural to feel sympathy for your friend, but you have to look out for you.

[Jibralta]

Oh jeez, I just read that you haven't ever met him.

 

Proceed with caution!! You can't even say for sure whether he was actually married!

 

Have you ever facetimed or skyped?

[Hollyj]

The fact that he says he loves you and has not even met you, should be a HUGE red flag. Also, his wife died a month ago and he is already romancing women online. This guy sounds really off, or is a scammer.

 

On your part, you have wasted months of your precious life on a long distance stranger, whose wife recently passed of cancer , and as is proclaiming to love you. What attracts you to this? I think that your judgement is seriously off. Do you date people in real life or is everything virtual/fantasy? Your desperation is closing your judgement .

 

I would bet money that you are one of many.