His female best friend

[abitbroken]

If you want to be a little less confrontational: I understand we want to be careful at work - not be all over eachother - but I don't want to be so on the downlow that you you only have lunch with Becky and never with me or me and other colleagues.

Like i say, if he spent every night with you and rotated who he had lunch with (one day was lunching with his project team, etc.), it would be no biggie and wasn't always dining with you -- but the fact its like he blanks you in the cafeteria -- weird.

[abitbroken]

LOL Dude. I don't know what other people are saying in this thread and I must admit I didn't read your entire post (because I don't need to) but there is a reason why hes with you and not her. I also, have a best female friend, they come in handy you know, even if she is over protective of me at times. Shes not afraid to tell me I'm an idiot for chasing the wrong woman or cuss another female out right in front of everyone if they disrespect me but she also wants to know that we are best friends and that no matter what, I will be there for her as much as she is for me AS A FRIEND.

 

Let it go! Be good friends with her, go shopping with her and do girly things. If you don't, you will end up getting passive aggressive and she will pick up on that. You will also start fights with your boyfriend and a wedge will build, but not between him and her, it will be between you and him. Trust me, been here, done that. Known my best female friend since I was 15, thats 22 years of friendship. Shes always been the last woman standing if a girlfriend tried to pull some crap to try to get rid of her.

 

DUDE -

 

If a single guy has female friends - cool, but if he is having lunch EVERYDAY with the same one and EVERYDAY taking a walk in the evening with her and blanking the girlfriend in the same room, that sounds less like friendship and more like courtship or he's a total clod. Friends should be ELATED when their friend meets someone special. She cannot "go do girly things" with her because she is not even invited into their circle. The first thing i would do when i found out a guy friend was seeing her would be to really really want to meet her, and then take a step back out of respect for their relationship

[rubixcube19]

DUDE -

 

If a single guy has female friends - cool, but if he is having lunch EVERYDAY with the same one and EVERYDAY taking a walk in the evening with her and blanking the girlfriend in the same room, that sounds less like friendship and more like courtship or he's a total clod. Friends should be ELATED when their friend meets someone special. She cannot "go do girly things" with her because she is not even invited into their circle. The first thing i would do when i found out a guy friend was seeing her would be to really really want to meet her, and then take a step back out of respect for their relationship

 

DUDE -

 

Then why is he dating HER and not HIS BEST FRIEND. What logic? Why would things have to change just because they are in a relationship? How would you feel if your best friend started pushing you away just because they got into a relationship? I mean hes not sleeping with her, hes sleeping with JESSICA, if hes sleeping with his best friend and her? Hes a dog and she should dump him. By now though, shes probably already read his texts and gone through his draws so she knows its not happening anyway, she is just jealous of the attention hes giving her.

 

Look. in a lot of ways, I do understand your point but let me try to explain it a different way. You being a female, this may or may not be you, I cant stress that enough, but trust me, this happens all the time to males. in a relationship, once you start letting a female dictate to you, who you can and cannot see or anything for that matter, it spirals and suddenly you cant walk out the front door or eat what you want or anything like that without a fight and then the relationship self destructs anyway because both parties become unhappy.

 

I see it all the time, and its even happened to me. And after its happened, who was there for me? My best friend, who just also happens to be female.

[Cherylyn]

JessicaC5,

 

2's company, 3's a crowd. I would be ok if they just ate lunch on rare occasions and kept it at that. However, the guy has lunch with her every single day, brushes her hair AND goes for evening walks together? That's too much. He is way out of line.

 

The guy you're dating doesn't exercise any discretion.

 

Speak up about this to him. Tell him, "Either she goes or I go!" This picture feels a bit crowded. He needs to have healthy boundaries with her and apparently he's behaving very disrespectfully towards you.

 

I wouldn't tolerate this type of flirtatious behavior if I were you.

 

He's not allowed to have his cake and eat it, too. You need to set him straight or it's "Adios!"

[rubixcube19]

JessicaC5,

 

2's company, 3's a crowd. I would be ok if they just ate lunch on rare occasions and kept it at that. However, the guy has lunch with her every single day, brushes her hair AND goes for evening walks together? That's too much. He is way out of line.

 

The guy you're dating doesn't exercise any discretion.

 

Speak up about this to him. Tell him, "Either she goes or I go!" This picture feels a bit crowded. He needs to have healthy boundaries with her and apparently he's behaving very disrespectfully towards you.

 

I wouldn't tolerate this type of flirtatious behavior if I were you.

 

He's not allowed to have his cake and eat it, too. You need to set him straight or it's "Adios!"

 

You know exactly what will happen next. It won't be the friend that goes. And for what? An over reaction to something innocent. Does Jessica ever try to have lunch with him? Female jealousy strikes again. I'm sorry and no offence, but its true.

[Wiseman2]

He's not ready to date, sorry. "At each other's houses" doesn't sound like dating. If he's holding the torch for the exgf, this coworker is his best friend, you don't know his friends, how do you fit in his life other than sleep overs? It may be time to step back and reflect on what you want out of things and why your are coming in last place in this guy's social life and love life.

he has photos of him and his ex still on his Facebook. I asked him why they still had lots of photographs on there (they're both tagged) and he said they're 'very happy memories that he can't get rid of'.

[MissCanuck]

You know exactly what will happen next. It won't be the friend that goes. And for what? An over reaction to something innocent. Does Jessica ever try to have lunch with him? Female jealousy strikes again. I'm sorry and no offence, but its true.

 

I encourage you to read the thread in its entirety. You wrote this: "I must admit I didn't read your entire post," and yes, it's obvious you didn't read it well. You are missing some things here.

 

OP already said that yes, she has invited her boyfriend and the best friend to join her at lunch time. He has told her that sounds nice but never actually made a move to do so. Nor has he invited her to join them. Her marching up and sitting down with them is not exactly a wise move when he's clearly putting up a boundary there for some reason. OP also cannot reasonably try to do things with this best friend when her own boyfriend has not even introduced them yet. Shopping and getting their nails done is a stretch when they have not as much as exchanged greetings. That's not OP's fault either; she has suggested she is open to meeting this girl.

 

Painting this as "female jealousy" is unfair and dismissive.

[rubixcube19]

I encourage you to read the thread in its entirety. You wrote this: "I must admit I didn't read your entire post," and yes, it's obvious you didn't read it well. You are missing some things here.

 

OP already said that yes, she has invited her boyfriend and the best friend to join her at lunch time. He has told her that sounds nice but never actually made a move to do so. Nor has he invited her to join them. Her marching up and sitting down with them is not exactly a wise move when he's clearly putting up a boundary there for some reason. OP also cannot reasonably try to do things with this best friend when her own boyfriend has not even introduced them yet. Shopping and getting their nails done is a stretch when they have not as much as exchanged greetings. That's not OP's fault either; she has suggested she is open to meeting this girl.

 

Painting this as "female jealousy" is unfair and dismissive.

 

Ok that is my bad. I am sorry about that. I should read a thread till the end. The reason I get so worked up about it is because I have had the "female jealousy" thing bite me in the ass a few times before. It's ruined a lot for me. Thinking about the lost experiences, friendships etc and the useless draining fights, tears, anguish - it still really gets to me so I treat this issue possibly a lot more hostile than I should. It's like the only thing when it comes to relationships that really gets to me and there just isn't a need for it.

 

Sure, people cheat, men and women but what if the friend was a guy? Maybe hes secretly gay? You can tell when people cheat, they get defensive over the most simple questions. They sneak around and get caught up in lies. In this thread and the other one, the guy isn't sneaking around or getting defensive or showing no other signs of cheating, yes its a bone head move to not invite her to lunch with the friend or even instead of the friend but that's just it, a bone head is not necessarily a cheating bone head! That's all I am trying to say.

[abitbroken]

Ok that is my bad. I am sorry about that. I should read a thread till the end. The reason I get so worked up about it is because I have had the "female jealousy" thing bite me in the ass a few times before. It's ruined a lot for me. Thinking about the lost experiences, friendships etc and the useless draining fights, tears, anguish - it still really gets to me so I treat this issue possibly a lot more hostile than I should. It's like the only thing when it comes to relationships that really gets to me and there just isn't a need for it.

 

Sure, people cheat, men and women but what if the friend was a guy? Maybe hes secretly gay? You can tell when people cheat, they get defensive over the most simple questions. They sneak around and get caught up in lies. In this thread and the other one, the guy isn't sneaking around or getting defensive or showing no other signs of cheating, yes its a bone head move to not invite her to lunch with the friend or even instead of the friend but that's just it, a bone head is not necessarily a cheating bone head! That's all I am trying to say.

 

If you and your girlfriend ate at the same cafe everyday, but she ate with another guy (the same guy every day) and did not acknowledge your existence - EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Is that cool?? If he takes an evening walk with the same woman Every.single.day in addition to every lunch...would that be cool with you? If your girlfriend also "Groomed" this guy - combed his hair, straightened his collar, clipped his nails, would that be cool, too?

[katrina1980]

 

I encourage you to read the thread in its entirety. You wrote this: "I must admit I didn't read your entire post," and yes, it's obvious you didn't read it well. You are missing some things here.

 

 

Agree. In fact, I think this should be an ENA rule; it would alleviate misperceptions and advice that could possibly be detrimental to the OP rather than helpiful.

[Cinder]

My take is that your boyfriend likes his friend more than you, but she's not into him in that way....but probably gives him JUST enough encouragement to keep him around (the hair brush non-sense). She's getting off on knowing she could steal him at any time from you...even though she's not interested.

 

Your man sounds kinda weak.

 

You could pull back attention towards him...like...really pull back, and he'd chase you more, and I would be curious to know his friend's response to that. Would she try to say/do things to keep him...or would she help him try to get you back? I'd vote the former.

 

I don't believe guys and girls can be friends for the most part, but they DEFINITELY CAN NOT when they are seeing each other ALL the time.

 

You haven't said if she's attractive yet.

[Rose Mosse]

I'm not sure what a 25 year old man is doing brushing another woman's hair. I have all sorts of very comical images going through my mind and am finding it very difficult to take an already iffy situation seriously (both parties - man and woman - are not seeming very mature at this point). I'd suggest you let this person go and find someone a bit more on your level or someone you are more compatible with. If you think it looks or feels funny or doesn't make sense to you, you shouldn't be filling in the gaps this early. I also don't warrant it's any of your business, to tell you the truth. This person (the man you're seeing) already has a long standing friendship with someone else.

 

Tell yourself this is a learning experience and continue being your cautious and curious self while dating. You shouldn't have to change anyone. There are so many other good things in this world for you to do. Don't waste that energy over things like this.

[HeartGoesOn]

My guess is, this is a perfect example of "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me." He seems to be playing you for a fool, as well as doing this right under your nose.

 

I'd put an end to being his audience, strive for higher standards and move on from this clown.

[Ian4996]

The issue isn't so much whether he's cheating or not cheating, it's the fact that his behaviour is (rightly) making you feel neglected and worthless and that isn't how someone you're dating should make you feel.

[saluk]

If someone I was dating for 2 months had work lunch with their friend and never came to see me across the room I would have a huge issue. If the guy your dating were having lunch with his guy friend across the room and didn't accept your invitation to lunch, I would be upset. That it's a girl makes it a little more uncomfortable, but the real issue is that the answer to the question: "how are you integrating our lives" was "we aren't." Playing house isn't a life integration - it's how your other spheres collide that indicate integration. And if you can't even integrate at work during lunch hours - the place where you presumably met - it really indicates that each of you has a very different idea of what the situation is. You're looking for something more serious, and he's still in the super casual phase.

 

What kinds of topics do you talk about on your dates?

[reinventmyself]

What is the definition of a best friend for that matter? Take the gender out of it and make it neutral, why would you deny the person you are dating the opportunity to sit with you during lunch - with your best friend.

In return a friend would be happy for you, right?

Can't help but wonder if this friend were a guy, if the outcome would be different.

And it would definitely be weird if they were brushing each others hair. . .

[Cinder]

This is a good dating lesson to learn when you break up with him (because if you don't, he will certainly leave you for someone he likes better).

 

When your instincts tell you something if "off" - listen :-)

 

Good men don't do this kind of thing when they are dating someone they really like.

 

Another good lesson to learn is assertive communication - tell him in a non-threatening manner, that his friendship with this other girl is making you feel weird. Don't hide your feelings - they are valid. :-)

[Jibralta]

Good men don't do this kind of thing when they are dating someone they really like.

 

That's been my experience. If they like you, they're gonna try NOT to lose you.

[Honeycomb8]

Agree. In fact, I think this should be an ENA rule; it would alleviate misperceptions and advice that could possibly be detrimental to the OP rather than helpiful.

 

You'd think that would be a no brainer.

I'm a very chill gf in general and don't mind bfs hanging out with female friends one on one, but he's having lunch with her daily and you're right there and he's just ignoring you, as well as taking walks with her at night often (huh)as well as not wanting you to meet her -- that's just a big warning sign.

 

He's crossed boundaries and he's treating you as such an afterthought. He clearly values her over you.

[Wiseman2]

Consider how insulting it is a that he considers you good enough for sleep overs but not good enough to introduce to friends, have lunch with or socialize with. Sadly it sounds like you think of this as dating/a relationship but he's treating it as fwb. Someone who's only real place in his life is between the sheets on weekends. His "best friend" is the one he respects and dates and wants.. Don't get strung along and don't accept being the warm body while his mind and heart and life are elsewhere.

[Honeycomb8]

^super blunt man.

[JaggerJim]

Consider how insulting it is a that he considers you good enough for sleep overs but not good enough to introduce to friends, have lunch with or socialize with. Sadly it sounds like you think of this as dating/a relationship but he's treating it as fwb. Someone who's only real place in his life is between the sheets on weekends. His "best friend" is the one he respects and dates and wants.. Don't get strung along and don't accept being the warm body while his mind and heart and life are elsewhere.

 

Totally agree. He's so totally in love with his "best friend" that you'd have to be blind not to see it........

[JessicaC5]

JessicaC5,

 

2's company, 3's a crowd. I would be ok if they just ate lunch on rare occasions and kept it at that. However, the guy has lunch with her every single day, brushes her hair AND goes for evening walks together? That's too much. He is way out of line.

 

The guy you're dating doesn't exercise any discretion.

 

Speak up about this to him. Tell him, "Either she goes or I go!" This picture feels a bit crowded. He needs to have healthy boundaries with her and apparently he's behaving very disrespectfully towards you.

 

I wouldn't tolerate this type of flirtatious behavior if I were you.

 

He's not allowed to have his cake and eat it, too. You need to set him straight or it's "Adios!"

 

Thanks for your reply, I totally understand what you’re saying. It’s just annoying that he doesn’t see it as flirtatious at all. You’re right - me and him clearly have different boundaries.

[JessicaC5]

You'd think that would be a no brainer.

I'm a very chill gf in general and don't mind bfs hanging out with female friends one on one, but he's having lunch with her daily and you're right there and he's just ignoring you, as well as taking walks with her at night often (huh)as well as not wanting you to meet her -- that's just a big warning sign.

 

He's crossed boundaries and he's treating you as such an afterthought. He clearly values her over you.

 

I agree, and get what you mean. It’s frustrating that he can’t see how much he’s overstepping the boundaries.

[JessicaC5]

I'm not sure what a 25 year old man is doing brushing another woman's hair. I have all sorts of very comical images going through my mind and am finding it very difficult to take an already iffy situation seriously (both parties - man and woman - are not seeming very mature at this point). I'd suggest you let this person go and find someone a bit more on your level or someone you are more compatible with. If you think it looks or feels funny or doesn't make sense to you, you shouldn't be filling in the gaps this early. I also don't warrant it's any of your business, to tell you the truth. This person (the man you're seeing) already has a long standing friendship with someone else.

 

Tell yourself this is a learning experience and continue being your cautious and curious self while dating. You shouldn't have to change anyone. There are so many other good things in this world for you to do. Don't waste that energy over things like this.

 

Your answer spoke volumes to me! Thank you. I hadn’t thought about maturity but you’re right - he seems far too immature for me. His and his female friend’s relationship is too close but also immature.