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Cinder

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Everything posted by Cinder

  1. I've been in a few relationships where I stopped wanting sex. Well...more than a few lol. The underlying issue was always the same - I was unhappy in the relationship. I always have thought sex is the barometer for the relationship - when you're happy and loving each other, and putting each other first...you'll want to be all over each other. When you're getting on each other's nerves...bickering...cutting each other down...being jealous...insecure...it ruins attraction, and puts the other person on the slide to no sex. And once the sex train has left the building, it's REALLY hard to start having it again. Do NOT "just see how it plays out" because every day with no sex is just another day that the chasm between you widens. Lack of sex is a symptom of the real problem. Figure out what the real problem is. :-)
  2. This is a good dating lesson to learn when you break up with him (because if you don't, he will certainly leave you for someone he likes better). When your instincts tell you something if "off" - listen :-) Good men don't do this kind of thing when they are dating someone they really like. Another good lesson to learn is assertive communication - tell him in a non-threatening manner, that his friendship with this other girl is making you feel weird. Don't hide your feelings - they are valid. :-)
  3. My take is that your boyfriend likes his friend more than you, but she's not into him in that way....but probably gives him JUST enough encouragement to keep him around (the hair brush non-sense). She's getting off on knowing she could steal him at any time from you...even though she's not interested. Your man sounds kinda weak. You could pull back attention towards him...like...really pull back, and he'd chase you more, and I would be curious to know his friend's response to that. Would she try to say/do things to keep him...or would she help him try to get you back? I'd vote the former. I don't believe guys and girls can be friends for the most part, but they DEFINITELY CAN NOT when they are seeing each other ALL the time. You haven't said if she's attractive yet.
  4. Agree with Katrina... People fall out of attraction for so many reasons...and they will tell you none of them. lol That's just how dating is. An actual relationship is communication, and the will to want to work on something....but dating is just flaky feelings on a whim for some people. There's no need for an uncomfortable conversation telling someone else they weren't good enough for whatever reason.
  5. I would say watch this, and every one of this guy's videos. He pretty much details your entire story and breaks down why you failed. Don't get me wrong, she did as well. Relationships are work.
  6. EVERYONE has been in the same position. lol Just the details vary. It's the nature of society today, imo. Another person is right around the corner...people don't want to date...don't want to commit...don't want to say "hey, let's do this" because they have this fear they are missing out on some future person who is even better. The second you want to invest...some people just bail because they aren't ready. All we can do is learn from it, and understand relationships better. It's a shame that our inexperience drives off people, but it is what it is :-) Learn for your mistakes :-) Btw, there's tons of youtube vidoes out there that go step by step through your mistakes.
  7. I agree with everyone here. You got needy and wanted to label something WAY too soon. That said - relationships are WORK. And some people just aren't ready to date...or work on them. They just want to have fun. Especially once they've been burned, or are hung up on someone else. They just have their guard up and you have to go extra slow. You could play games to lure them back in, but bottom line, you want to find someone who wants to work towards a common goal....not bail. Personally, I don't think 2 months in is that crazy to define something. Once I'm sleeping with someone, it's usually exclusive, and the bf/gf title just kinda comes out naturally.
  8. Here are my thoughts in addition to everyone else's wisdom. There are different types of love out there. There's the pure and true "If you love someone set them free, if they come back it's meant to be" type of love... But there is also another kind of love... There's the icky, romantic, obsessive, dramatic, fight to get someone back type of love too. And even though the relationship isn't totally healthy...you can still be in love with them. And it hurts to be attached to them and they bail. Even if it is for the best. I'm not in the same camp that a lot of people are in that...you don't have to have low self worth to put up with BS from someone. You just lack experience in dating someone like that. This sucks now, but I promise you, that you will be a much better man for your future gf's getting this experience. Stay strong man. It can take a long time for the heart to heal.
  9. I haven't read 4 pages worth of things here, but I'd say just be less available. Stop initiating texts. Use texting for setting up dates, and that's it. Let her be the one to chase. It's game playing, but it works. I think you said you're new at dating...so this is a learning experience for you on how women date. :-P Yes, she's losing interest with you...but you can get it back if you understand how. Watch some 3% man videos on Youtube....or really any videos about this. lol. It's an eye opening experience. You have to filter out the BS, but there's a lot of good information in there. That being said - we all put on our best mask in the beginning of the honeymoon phase. After 3 or 4 months it starts slipping, and we become our true selves. Maybe she's seeing things in you that she does not like.
  10. agree with everyone else - this relationship is over. She just hasn't told you because she lacks the strength. Learn some lessons though! Addictions, immaturity and lying = bad. Those are things women do not marry or want.
  11. Also know that when you tell someone "I Can't bear to lose you..." It SOUNDS romantic...lol...and it is...because we put our trust in someone...gave our hearts to someone... but really...the other person hears "I'm weak, and need you to for me to be happy." It only drives them away.
  12. To me, most "fights" aren't about that subject at all...it's about deeper issues. Although smoking/vaping is a valid dealbreaker. I think you should accept this about him, or leave. I mean...express to him in a loving way why it bothers you. Why it really bothers you. I mean, what if instead of vaping he starting dipping? That wouldn't cause you to break out in hives, but I'm guessing you'd still find that vice disgusting. Yelling...silent treatments - it's clear you guys are not on the same page. It just gets worse from here - marriage always amplifies problems. I would take a step back and maybe go to counseling :-)
  13. Hi Jen, These are just random thoughts from my own experiences...it doesn't mean they apply to you, but maybe... - You didn't experience his "true potential" in the beginning...you experienced the mask we all wear when we meet someone new. We present a lie to everyone that is the best version of ourselves. Once we get comfortable with that person, the mask starts slipping. His TRUE self is the one you think is 90% con. - You guys got in a rut...stale...boring. Unable to communicate your needs or keep things fresh. You're inexperienced about relationships and not capable of understanding how to interpret people's actions and words correctly. Read up on this so it never happens again! - It's okay to feel heart broken..even for a long time :-) Don't beat yourself up over that. But you have to start working on yourself to phase him out. Start volunteering...do things that make you feel good about yourself. Stop talking about him, purge all his memories...don't remind yourself of him. Each time you do, is like picking a scab - it has to heal all over again. - Both of you might have issues that prevented you from being in a healthy relationship. You'll never know his, but you can learn about yourself from therapy. Dig into things...why you stayed with someone who is no good for you. Why you put up with things when you weren't happy. It's probably due to low self esteem and isolating yourself. Good luck Jen :-)
  14. She should be angry. She wasted 9 years on someone who let her down. I mean...that's what she's probably thinking. You go NO CONTACT, and work your ass off to learn how to not let this happen again. Sorry man...it BLOWS, but there's nothing you can do. Ball is in her court. She's probably talking to another guy(s)...and was checked out of this relationship long ago.
  15. I hate to say this...BUT... You more than likely exhibited some kind of behavior on top of the sex that turned her off. She probably wanted to go slow, or just have fun...and you were all in because it's been the first girl you've dated in so long. You built her up...got her to your place, and failed miserably, and lost her. Then you acted needy, and she bolted. Watch a ton of red pill videos lol. Man up. Seriously...it's one thing to be devastated after months of dating someone...and falling in love...but one date!!??! Dating and love is tough bro. It's hard to open up to someone, think you have a connection...and then have them bail. It's like a trojan horse. lol. You can NOT fix this...but you can learn from it. Don't go all in with women so fast. Especially ones with red flags. Like someone said...for all you know...she isn't equipped to handle someone like you because she's a mess inside. Who knows. :-)
  16. I agree with Katrina. This is coming from someone who had only dated normal girls all his life, and finally ran into someone like this...and it turns out a lot of women are like this. So much so there are entire dating channels dedicated to dealing with this type of behavior. lol. It's so weird. Just educate yourself on this...it will not only save this relationship, but prepare you for all future relationships. The best advice I've read on this (and have applied it)...is to stand FIRM on things, and make it fun. Don't just stand your ground, but turn it into a game. See these actions as her way of seeing if you're strong enough to deal with her. There's also a crap ton of reasons why she might be acting like this too. But really...there is a TON of power in walking away. Once she sees you care more about yourself...and will leave, she'll have respect for you and knock it off. You have to realize that love doesn't hurt. It's not supposed to be drama filled or painful...or stressful. Once you know this, you can leave situations that make you feel bad. This is how to have healthy relationships.
  17. I think deep deep down - you are hoping for her to respond in some way that fulfills some fantasy of yours. Either saying something nice, or wanting to get back together, etc. It won't happen dude. You will 100% absolutely hate yourself for being weak and reaching out. It would be different if you had healed, moved on, and just wanted to apologize for being a jerk to her or something...but she dumped you....not the other way around.
  18. My thoughts: Think that you are 100% broken up, and she will NEVER come back to you. Hit the gym harder...clean up your act, work on your life, volunteer some...and most importantly...DATE. Let her see that you are moving on. Her attraction level for you is 0. Somewhere though...deep down...she might still love you...but you've basically driven her away with complacency. This is your lesson learned, and be thankful you learned it so early in life :-) Be fun. Be cool. DONT ask her out ever...treat her like a low priority, and maybe she'll come around. That's just how things work.
  19. I think that's weird too, but that's just me. When you meet someone you like, even if online and you don't know them...how do you not want to keep talking and joking around with them? :-) That said - it's man games 101 to set a date and do NOT keep texting. It opens you up to saying the wrong thing and turning you off. Plus this builds attractions...because you're thinking about him...and obsessing...which it sounds like you are. These are dating games - they suck, but they work :-) Next will be him ending the date early lol...
  20. This is absolutely a red flag! :-) I have been in a couple relationships where I experienced "weird" jealousy behavior out of nowhere...and both times I regretted not listening to that inner voice. In addition, she's punishing you for that call by telling you about the sexy attire she didn't let you see? That's messed up manipulation there. It sounds like she's kinda aware of her issues, but not able to control them. There's bound to be more to come...and it's only going to get worse. If you ARE going to stick with this girl...do NOT put up with it. Let her know that she used up her freebie, and the next time you're walking.
  21. First off - know that almost all of us have been there. We ALL think about suicide when we have our heart broken. Know that it WILL get better...just...not anytime soon. lol It BLOWS. Don't rush it :-) Nothing you do now will heal you immediately. I would youtube the crap out of healing from a Break Up and moving on... And know these things: 1 - If what you say is true, she has her own issues/demons to deal with, and probably won't for a very long time. You are better off. 2 - Take this time as an opportunity to learn from your mistakes, and learn why you allowed yourself to put up with her behavior...and to never let it happen again. 3 - I'm 43, and 100% of the girls who have left me, or never went past a few dates have ALWAYS reached back out to me at some point (months/years later). We all learn from experience, and there will be a time where she looks back and regrets how she treated you, and how she took you for granted. I'm not saying this to give you false hope or anything, but to urge you to become the best version of yourself you can be...and when you have achieved that, you could care less about her, while she's still dealing with her bs. Stay strong my friend.
  22. I think 1.5 months is PLENTY of time to date before having "The talk." Honestly...once you start having sex with someone on a regular basis exclusively, you're basically bf/gf...even if you don't have the talk. When you like someone, you like them and want to be with them only. If you want to date and have options with others...then you're just looking for someone better.
  23. I think it's really sad that someone can completely devastated and heartbroken from an ex, and people just want to label him as "broken." Maybe he's just...heartbroken? There's a HUGE difference. A broken heart is NO JOKE. It can WRECK you. It can make you feel like there is a glitch inside of you. We don't know what went down with his ex. It might not even be his fault. Some people just have a way of being emotional vampires...and sucking the life from you. Maybe that's where he is? I would suggest watching a ton of youtube videos out there on getting over an ex, getting over the fantasy of who you think your ex is, never take your ex back, etc. If he watches enough, he'll start picking up tidbits of good information that he can start to lay as a foundation to rebuilding himself. Rose also had some great advice about triggering. That's deeper level stuff, but you might be tapping into his heart when you guys get close, and that short circuits him. I have been where your bf is. And I have a BFF who is like you. And sad to say, but she needed to get away from me for a while because it was draining too. I would try to pull her back in because I missed her, but then when we got too close...I'd need to go away because it hurt. It was all kinds of f##@ed up. I was at least aware of it, and the damage it was causing. There's also the possibility that as great as you are, you're not as great as his ex...so he's never going to see you as "worth it". You're just "good enough" to not be alone. My advice would be to help him heal, but be his friend. Let him know you won't be having sex, or being affectionate. Not until he is better. Let him see you date other guys. Let him see that life goes on, and he will need to work on himself before he is ready to date. I'm so sorry for you OP. Sometimes really great people can just get messed up with their exes :-( And it takes a crazy amount of dedication to fix yourself.
  24. I Think there's lots of good advice here. I would also recommend some therapy to try to minimize your insecurities. You're right, there's only so many things you can do to improve your looks, but you also have to improve your mindset and personality, which does dictate how people are attracted to you. :-) Looks matter for most people. But there's a lot of times I end up falling for people most others might not consider all that attractive, but I see them as knockouts because they're a lot of fun, or we have a great chemistry.
  25. My take, as a guy, is that this is doomed. I'm not saying he doesn't care about you...but he's made it clear about 2 things: 1 - You caved on the unprotected sex issue. That's kinda a red flag about his character, and yours to be honest. He knows he can have his way. I.E. you're not someone he respects. I.E. he will get bored with you. 2 - He TOLD you he's not ready for that next step. It could be because he's still healing, or because he's not into you enough. Either way - listen to this. I think if you just make him less of a priority, he'll regain his interest in you, and maybe go the GF route. It's game playing, but it kinda works. It sounds like he likes you enough...but isn't ready to commit. Just be less available...make dates with other guys....don't invest fully in him. I know it sucks when you really like someone, but you have to protect yourself, and you also have to show him that you're WORTH him making his mind up. He has to know you'll walk.
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