His female best friend

[Batya33]

I agree, and get what you mean. It’s frustrating that he can’t see how much he’s overstepping the boundaries.

 

Of course he can see it -he chooses not to. I wouldn't knock his friendship as immature -you're not there, you don't know. Simply accept that his priority is to hang out with his friend and his priority is not to act consistently with a committed relationship - the way you have defined it -sure perhaps other couples would even like that their partners had such a close relationship with a member of the opposite sex and prioritized it -I can't imagine it but doesn't mean it's not real. I think your idea of what a committed relationship should be seems reasonable to me. But it doesn't to him. Or even if it does he doesn't care and doesn't want to dial back the amount of time he spends with her.

[katrina1980]

I wouldn't tell him "either she goes or I go" -- ultimatums like that never work.

 

Just decide whether their "friendship" is something you can live with, and still be happy with him, or not.

 

If not, then just walk away.

 

Don't blow a gasket, simply tell him it's just not working for you anymore, period, end of, bye.

 

No drama, no histrionics, just wish you well and bye.

 

Simple as that.

[MissCanuck]

He sees it, OP. He's not that stupid.

 

I would follow katrina's advice, and not deliver an ultimatum, but decide for yourself if this is the type of guy you want to date. Do you want to date a man who is a surrogate boyfriend to someone else?

 

You can speak to him about it, and see what he says and why he keeps you separate from her, but be prepared to walk away when he comes up with all sorts of excuses.

[reinventmyself]

Every time I come back to this thread, I think of my own reaction.

Basically - `done' I wouldn't want to be involved with someone who wouldn't acknowledge my presence.

Simple as that. Add in all the other factors. . I'd just walk and I wouldn't look back.

[katrina1980]

Every time I come back to this thread, I think of my own reaction.

Basically - `done' I wouldn't want to be involved with someone who wouldn't acknowledge my presence.

Simple as that. Add in all the other factors. . I'd just walk and I wouldn't look back.

 

Yeah I am imagining the lunchroom scenario -- you sitting with your friends at a table and your bf and his female "friend" sitting at another. Within full view of each other. Every single day.

 

How uncomfortable that must be and how awkward! And even after your telling him you'd like to meet her, he still has not introduced you.

 

And why on earth would he ever tell you he brushed her hair at work because she didn't have a mirror? It's bad enough that he did, but to make a point to tell you?

 

I mean like what the ****.

 

Either he's really dumb, or he's trying to elicit some jealousy or he wants out and wants you to end it.

 

Either way, NEXT. Frankly I am wondering how you lasted this long with him.

 

And honestly, after only two months, I wouldn't bother discussing anything with him. Just wish him well and be done.

[JessicaC5]

Yeah I am imagining the lunchroom scenario -- you sitting with your friends at a table and your bf and his female "friend" sitting at another. Within full view of each other. Every single day.

 

How uncomfortable that must be and how awkward! And even after your telling him you'd like to meet her, he still has not introduced you.

 

And why on earth would he ever tell you he brushed her hair at work because she didn't have a mirror? It's bad enough that he did, but to make a point to tell you?

 

I mean like what the ****.

 

Either he's really dumb, or he's trying to elicit some jealousy or he wants out and wants you to end it.

 

Either way, NEXT. Frankly I am wondering how you lasted this long with him.

 

And honestly, after only two months, I wouldn't bother discussing anything with him. Just wish him well and be done.

 

It is SO uncomfortable. For me, anyway. I don’t think he gets it.

 

UPDATE: I spoke to him about it today. Fully confronted it and told him how it makes me feel when he walks past to go and sit with her, and how I think we have totally different boundaries and values because I personally think the hair brushing isn’t acceptable. I told him I felt like they were very close. He agreed that they are very close and ‘really good friends’ so that’s why he wants to spend time with her. He didn’t seem to find it an issue that I was uncomfortable about it. Which clearly shows how unsympathetic and untuned in he is towards my feelings, so that kind of said it all really. I don’t want to date or be with someone who isn’t willing to listen and understand my feelings and won’t put me first.

 

Thanks for all of your replies!

[katrina1980]

So how did you leave it? Did you end things with him?

 

Did you tell you him you "don’t want to date or be with someone who isn’t willing to listen and understand my feelings and won’t put me first"????

 

I would not have said that, I would have simply said it's not working for me, and wished them both well.

 

But that's me, if you wanted to be more forthcoming, that's fine too.

 

As long as you ended it!

[JessicaC5]

So how did you leave it? Did you end things with him?

 

Did you tell you him you "don’t want to date or be with someone who isn’t willing to listen and understand my feelings and won’t put me first"????

 

I would not have said that, I would have simply said it's not working for me, and wished them both well.

 

But that's me, if you wanted to be more forthcoming, that's fine too.

 

As long as you ended it!

 

Thanks for asking - sorry, I didn’t mean to leave it on a cliffhanger! I told him that I needed to talk about us dating, and I explained that unfortunately it isn’t working for me as we seem to be at different stages of what we want and that I think we have different views on values and boundaries.

 

I hope I was clear enough to get the message across without being rude. I think it’s important to give some feedback rather than just ‘don’t want to date you anymore’.

[abitbroken]

Thanks for asking - sorry, I didn’t mean to leave it on a cliffhanger! I told him that I needed to talk about us dating, and I explained that unfortunately it isn’t working for me as we seem to be at different stages of what we want and that I think we have different views on values and boundaries.

 

I hope I was clear enough to get the message across without being rude. I think it’s important to give some feedback rather than just ‘don’t want to date you anymore’.

 

Expressing your boundaries is not rude -- its loving yourself.

 

Gee--- "he wants to spend time with her" - isn't working together enough? its not like she works in another state and when she comes into town once a year he wants to spend time with her.

 

She sounds like his "work wife" as well.

 

Good for you for not bending into a pretzel!

 

0It boggles my mind that he doesn't see this as a problem or at the very least doesn't seem to care that you are walking out the door. I mean, the only other thing i would have done is plopped down next to them and said "Hi, I'm Jessica, cluelessman's girlfirend, is this seat taken?"

 

Now find some guy who is delighted to be seen with you

[katrina1980]

I think it's very fair of you to be forthcoming the way you were. Wondering what his response was, if he agreed or tried to talk you out of it?

 

Anyway, to clarify for me, when it's so early on like that (and two months would be considered early on imo), I don't feel I need to be more forthcoming, especially when it's so obvious (or should be) why I am choosing to not date him anymore.

 

I mean you had just told him the situation with this girl made you uncomfortable and he didn't get it, dismissed your feelings.

 

For me, that would have been the time to tell him it wasn't working, wish you well.

 

But, I think what you said was great too!! Very honest and I applaud you for that. :)

 

Hope you're okay!!

 

I will be seeing my bf of a year and a half tonight, and plan to end things with him too, kinda dreading it, but that's a whole n'other thread.

[reinventmyself]

If you aren't already clear, just ask yourself if the roles were reversed

 

~ You have a long time male friend. Would you eat lunch with him daily and at the same time not acknowledge the person you are dating in the same room?

 

I think not. Not if you want him to continue dating you.

 

Hold out for someone who has the same values (and decency) as yourself.

[MissCanuck]

The more you write, OP, the more convinced I am that he’s actually hoping that one day she will take him out of the Friend Zone and date him. Until then, he’s biding his time but not seriously looking for other options.

[Sportster2005]

Set boundaries and don't cross them. If brushing another women's hair is a boundary, then stick to it unapolagetically. If he crosses it, dump him. Same with walks, lunches, or whatever. You decide what is reasonable for you.

[JessicaC5]

I think it's very fair of you to be forthcoming the way you were. Wondering what his response was, if he agreed or tried to talk you out of it?

 

Anyway, to clarify for me, when it's so early on like that (and two months would be considered early on imo), I don't feel I need to be more forthcoming, especially when it's so obvious (or should be) why I am choosing to not date him anymore.

 

I mean you had just told him the situation with this girl made you uncomfortable and he didn't get it, dismissed your feelings.

 

For me, that would have been the time to tell him it wasn't working, wish you well.

 

But, I think what you said was great too!! Very honest and I applaud you for that. :)

 

Hope you're okay!!

 

I will be seeing my bf of a year and a half tonight, and plan to end things with him too, kinda dreading it, but that's a whole n'other thread.

 

Thanks, Katrina. I feel good actually, and quite excited about the prospect of finding someone new who is more on my wave-length. His response was a very quiet one, and he seemed upset, but didn’t really say much back. He seemed quite shocked and taken aback so maybe previous girlfriends have let him walk all over them. Either way, I’m sure his female best friend will do a good job of consoling him!

 

How did things go with you? Which thread is it?

[JohnSimons1901]

I would say its definitely weird both of their behaviour, not introducing you when your in the same eating quarters at work? Is just rude and odd, not sure I could turn my back on the girl im seeing to have lunch with my 'friend'. If my girlfriend acted the way she did - I know she's single - I wouldn't stand for that.