My family is still friends with my cheating ex and my fiancé is fed up

[Starlight925]

I'm sorry, Genie, I completely get it.

 

Your family should have more respect for you than this. If your BIL wants to maintain this guy's friendship, they should do it on their own, not by inviting him to things where it will obviously be uncomfortable for you.

 

Family should respect the fact that unfortunately, when a breakup occurs, the partner that they may have grown close to is no longer part of the family anymore. Especially when that ex was a cheating jerk. What a lack of respect for you!

 

This isn't about telling others who they can be friends with, but about the people who are closest to you having your back and respecting you.

 

I completely get where your fiancé is coming from, and the only advice I have for you there is to validate his feelings and be understanding of the awkwardness he's stepped in. How would you like it if his jerky ex was at everything? You wouldn't, neither would I.

[Shabs200]

I told him to get off and had to physically overpower him to get him to let go. I had acknowledged him already, I had said hello when he did but that's all he got out of me.

He's one of those people who doesn't seem to realise touching people inappropriately is not okay, he will do it to people he doesn't even know.

Sorry for not giving enough detail to begin with, I'm always cautious to avoid overly long posts in case no-one can be bothered to read them.

[Seraphim]

Just don’t go. Invite your sister to your house. And if she asks why just say none of this crap is respectful to my future husband how would you like it if I dredged up a ex of your husband and had invited her all the time ?

 

And the ex sounds like a pig that’s trying to create problems . Personally if he hung onto my neck and wouldn’t let go I would’ve hoofed him in the nuts .

[Gary Snyder]

Wow, all the people in your life suck. I don't know what else to say.

 

I'd drop all of them.

[Billie28]

I told him to get off and had to physically overpower him to get him to let go. I had acknowledged him already, I had said hello when he did but that's all he got out of me.

He's one of those people who doesn't seem to realise touching people inappropriately is not okay, he will do it to people he doesn't even know.

Sorry for not giving enough detail to begin with, I'm always cautious to avoid overly long posts in case no-one can be bothered to read them.

 

What? You had a wrestle him to get his arm off your shoulder? Physically overpowering him??

But at the same time admitting he does that to people he doesn’t know. Ah so he is not being an ass like you made him out to be. He just is a touchy feely person that your current guy has an issue with and ?you also?

[Shabs200]

What? You had a wrestle him to get his arm off your shoulder? Physically overpowering him??

But at the same time admitting he does that to people he doesn’t know. Ah so he is not being an ass like you made him out to be. He just is a touchy feely person that your current guy has an issue with and ?you also?

 

There's a difference between being touchy feely and making people visibly uncomfortable. I've seen him get slapped multiple times in the past by women he wouldn't leave alone. That's the kind of guy we're dealing with.

 

I've had a surprising conversation with my BIL today, instead of going through my sister. We were talking about what happened last night, then when I expressed how much I can't stand this guy being in my life he said he wouldn't invite him anymore. I didn't even specifically ask it of him. I don't know how much weight that holds but it gives me some peace of mind.

[Andrina]

I've spoken to my sister about it numerous times but I don't think she realises how much it upsets him.

 

Reading between the lines, you and your sister sound a lot alike--your feelings take a backseat to the men in your lives. In your title, it states that your bf is fed up. You don't even mention yourself in the title.

 

Although you often don't attend, you still do sometimes attend when the ex is invited. Why? Doesn't the bad outweigh the good? It would make my stomach turn if I knew a toxic ex would be at an event, and if it wasn't something I should attend like a graduation, baby shower, or something like that, why on earth would I subject myself to that? So, I don't understand why you do.

 

Instead of bringing the bf into the discussion, the only thing I'd say to my sister is: I don't want to be in the presence of my ex, so if he will be there, don't invite me. If you want to get together, just you and I, or to double date just the four of us, let me know.

[Shabs200]

 

Reading between the lines, you and your sister sound a lot alike--your feelings take a backseat to the men in your lives. In your title, it states that your bf is fed up. You don't even mention yourself in the title.

 

Although you often don't attend, you still do sometimes attend when the ex is invited. Why? Doesn't the bad outweigh the good? It would make my stomach turn if I knew a toxic ex would be at an event, and if it wasn't something I should attend like a graduation, baby shower, or something like that, why on earth would I subject myself to that? So, I don't understand why you do.

 

I guess my feelings are easier for me to deal with than his. My job requires me to speak to rude people/people I don't like on a daily basis, so I'm pretty good at just switching off when someone bothers me. He on the other hand really takes things to heart which he knows he needs to work on.

 

We go to these events with the determination that we're not going to let him spoil our day, but he always finds a way to. I think all of you are right in that I should just not try to do that anymore.

[abitbroken]

Honestly, WHY the heck of friends of your brothter in law, sister in law, or your friends for that matter at family functions?? They are not family. Your fiance is right about this. Its not like you bump into an ex at a wedding of mutual friends -- these are events your parents or sister throw. Honestly, i would talk to my parents about this and if you already talked to your sister, I would simply not attend casual BBQs at their house. Set your boundaries. Your fiance is not being unreasonable here. Your ex purposefully cultivated a friendship with your brother in law to hang around. No Bueno. Honestly, if i were in your fiance's shoes I might walk, too, unless you set some boundaries

[Seraphim]

At least your BIL now know this is an issue.

[abitbroken]

There's a difference between being touchy feely and making people visibly uncomfortable. I've seen him get slapped multiple times in the past by women he wouldn't leave alone. That's the kind of guy we're dealing with.

 

I've had a surprising conversation with my BIL today, instead of going through my sister. We were talking about what happened last night, then when I expressed how much I can't stand this guy being in my life he said he wouldn't invite him anymore. I didn't even specifically ask it of him. I don't know how much weight that holds but it gives me some peace of mind.

 

AWESOME!!!!!! So glad to hear this

[Billie28]

I guess my feelings are easier for me to deal with than his. My job requires me to speak to rude people/people I don't like on a daily basis, so I'm pretty good at just switching off when someone bothers me. He on the other hand really takes things to heart which he knows he needs to work on.

 

We go to these events with the determination that we're not going to let him spoil our day, but he always finds a way to. I think all of you are right in that I should just not try to do that anymore.

 

There is something about this reply that seems inconsistent with your previous responses.

You said you had to physically overpower your ex to get his arm off your shoulder , but now say you are very savvy with dealing with rude people and it’s not you that can’t handle these situations but your current fiancé that can’t?

 

And that you go to these events together determined he won’t spoil your night. It seems he does spoil it by putting his arm around you while saying hello and you wrestling him to the ground . But your ex is not the one spoiling your night.It is your current bf that is by getting upset at your wrestle. ???

[figureitout23]

So I’m going to give my interpretation, it’s a bit different from everyone else’s..

 

You created this monster...

 

To me, any logical person would assume an ex who treated someone horribly wouldn’t be around...

 

You made a choice to overshare about an ex which was not a necessity, that is your baggage.

 

You dragged your fiancé into it I’m assuming because you jumped into a relationship with him so quickly after ending it with this other ex, so you were in victim mode.

 

Now you’re current boyfriend knows way too much of a story that may have been a bit biased because stories told of exes typically are and he’s acting accordingly.

 

You did all that knowing full well this ex was still around and that you’re still cordial to him... what did you think was gonna happen?!?!?!

[thornz]

There's a difference between being touchy feely and making people visibly uncomfortable. I've seen him get slapped multiple times in the past by women he wouldn't leave alone. That's the kind of guy we're dealing with.

 

I've had a surprising conversation with my BIL today, instead of going through my sister. We were talking about what happened last night, then when I expressed how much I can't stand this guy being in my life he said he wouldn't invite him anymore. I didn't even specifically ask it of him. I don't know how much weight that holds but it gives me some peace of mind.

 

That's good news. Good riddance to the nuisance ex.

[ThatwasThen]

... snipped... I see that your situ has been resolved.

[Hollyj]

I agree with the others. Tell your sister that you do not feel comfortable around the ex, and you will not be attending with your fiancé.

[Hollyj]

There's a difference between being touchy feely and making people visibly uncomfortable. I've seen him get slapped multiple times in the past by women he wouldn't leave alone. That's the kind of guy we're dealing with.

 

I've had a surprising conversation with my BIL today, instead of going through my sister. We were talking about what happened last night, then when I expressed how much I can't stand this guy being in my life he said he wouldn't invite him anymore. I didn't even specifically ask it of him. I don't know how much weight that holds but it gives me some peace of mind.

 

That is good news. I wonder why your sister did not do the same?

[abitbroken]

So I’m going to give my interpretation, it’s a bit different from everyone else’s..

 

You created this monster...

 

To me, any logical person would assume an ex who treated someone horribly wouldn’t be around...

 

You made a choice to overshare about an ex which was not a necessity, that is your baggage.

 

You dragged your fiancé into it I’m assuming because you jumped into a relationship with him so quickly after ending it with this other ex, so you were in victim mode.

 

Now you’re current boyfriend knows way too much of a story that may have been a bit biased because stories told of exes typically are and he’s acting accordingly.

 

You did all that knowing full well this ex was still around and that you’re still cordial to him... what did you think was gonna happen?!?!?!

 

It was better that she told her fiance who the dude was because he would find out sooner or later who he was to her.

Also, its normal when you get into a relationship to at least give the cliffnotes reason why your last significant relationship ended. "my ex cheated a few times and i decided i was better than that". I think it was atrocious for her family to continue to invite him to events where family is invited knowing she has blocked him, does everything she can to sever contact. And he has prove himself to live up to his reputation and be a bit of a tool to her. would it have been better to be totally fake and welcoming to the ex and then its an unwelcome surprise when the fiance finds out that this BIL's friend is actually her most recent ex?

[Wiseman2]

Are he and your BIL drinking buddies? Certainly he is not constantly there every weekend, every holiday, every time. Why not visit them when he's not there, if you want? At this point you are still acting like a victim. A victim of this ex's obnoxiousness, a victim of your sisters guest choices, a victim of your possessive controlling bf. Therapy could help you see how to make choices that take responsibility for your situations and help sort out the lingering residual victim mentality.

I told him to get off and had to physically overpower him to get him to let go.

[SherrySher]

Glad to hear the BIL finally understood, though he might not have even been aware till now. Wonder why your sister was keeping mum?

 

Good to hear too that you stood by your fiancee's side and understood his feelings. Well done!

[figureitout23]

It was better that she told her fiance who the dude was because he would find out sooner or later who he was to her.

Also, its normal when you get into a relationship to at least give the cliffnotes reason why your last significant relationship ended. "my ex cheated a few times and i decided i was better than that". I think it was atrocious for her family to continue to invite him to events where family is invited knowing she has blocked him, does everything she can to sever contact. And he has prove himself to live up to his reputation and be a bit of a tool to her. would it have been better to be totally fake and welcoming to the ex and then its an unwelcome surprise when the fiance finds out that this BIL's friend is actually her most recent ex?

 

I will read again, but I didnt get any of that from what was written, as others stated, other than stating her feelings, she has no right to tell a brother in law who he can remain friends with, its simply not her place, she also stated his presence doesnt bother her its the boyfriend, had she kept her past in the past, this drama simply wouldnt exist.

 

To say one MUST share their past relationship experiences is simply not true in my opinion. In my experience one does so to excuse their own broken status, "I have trust issues because...." " I went through his phone because..." " I am insecure because..." None of that belong in a healthy relationship and lets call a spade a spade, he didnt simply know, "oh thats my ex who cheated" he knew every detail, unnecessary drama.

 

Its your opinion she did nothing wrong, but look at this unnecessary situation. Its obviously too little too late since the cat is out of the bag, I'm just rolling my eyes at the whole thing because none of this had to happen. Avoid going on outings when hes there, easy fix, dont tell your new boyfriend every dirty detail of past relationships, easy fix.

 

I dont mind being the lone one stating, the OPer really needs to tone down the drama if she intends to have a happy and healthy life...