Intimacy issues - not his fault

[figureitout23]

Three nights of healthy meals (with leftovers to take to work the next day) and 2 nights of going for walks around our block. He's trying, and so am I.

 

Awesome!

 

You both need this.

 

Seriously.

 

Keep up the good work! I hope you can give us 1 month, 6 month and 1 year updates, you’re going to be amazed how easily all of this is fixed. 😊 no more blue pill talk until you both get healthy. Motivate each other, you can do this!

[WithLove]

About to go walking again, and do some lifting at home. We have smaller free weights to use.

[abitbroken]

Three nights of healthy meals (with leftovers to take to work the next day) and 2 nights of going for walks around our block. He's trying, and so am I.

 

What will be telling is what he does when you are not home or otherwise not able to go on a walk with him -- you are working late, have a club meeting, are sick. Will he still go for a walk without you? Will he make healthy meal choices if you are not cooking or if you both cook, when you are not there to cook for or to be a dining companion?

 

Walking should be daily. Add just a little distance each week.

[WithLove]

What will be telling is what he does when you are not home or otherwise not able to go on a walk with him -- you are working late, have a club meeting, are sick. Will he still go for a walk without you? Will he make healthy meal choices if you are not cooking or if you both cook, when you are not there to cook for or to be a dining companion?

 

Walking should be daily. Add just a little distance each week.

 

Tomorrow will tell. I am working late and have errands to run after work. He'll be on his own tomorrow night. I'll report back!

[WithLove]

This weekend he and I chatted a little about how we haven't really been doing much in terms of exercise for a little while, which in turn means that we haven't really been intimate. For those curious, we have had intercourse once in 2019 and have done oral a handful of times to completion. He made a remark about how he's always touching me, and I said "but not sexually", and he kind of got a little quiet. It feels like he's aware that things aren't ideal, at least for me, and that while I'm happy with him as a partner, I'm having a hard time right now seeing him as anything more than a companion.

 

I did realize what some have said here, which is that he's not doing anything on his own, for his own benefit, and only really makes the effort if we do things together. We've gone for walks around our neighborhood a few times, but the heat in my state is just awful, and he is just always constantly hot and uncomfortable, even when not exercising. However, we are getting a treadmill on Thursday, and he "plans" to use it daily when he gets home from work. We'll see, I guess.

 

In the meantime, I got the clearance to return to full duty on my ankle last week, so I've been getting myself involved in physical activities to get back to my healthier lifestyle. I've gone kayaking, walking, and last night I went to the gym. I can't keep asking him to be active with me; we have our lives together, yeah, but I also have a lot of things I do on my own that I won't give up for him. He needs to find the motivation to better himself because he wants to, not just because I asked or talked about it. When he exercises with me, I can't push myself, because I can do more than he can.

[abitbroken]

This weekend he and I chatted a little about how we haven't really been doing much in terms of exercise for a little while, which in turn means that we haven't really been intimate. For those curious, we have had intercourse once in 2019 and have done oral a handful of times to completion. He made a remark about how he's always touching me, and I said "but not sexually", and he kind of got a little quiet. It feels like he's aware that things aren't ideal, at least for me, and that while I'm happy with him as a partner, I'm having a hard time right now seeing him as anything more than a companion.

 

I did realize what some have said here, which is that he's not doing anything on his own, for his own benefit, and only really makes the effort if we do things together. We've gone for walks around our neighborhood a few times, but the heat in my state is just awful, and he is just always constantly hot and uncomfortable, even when not exercising. However, we are getting a treadmill on Thursday, and he "plans" to use it daily when he gets home from work. We'll see, I guess.

 

In the meantime, I got the clearance to return to full duty on my ankle last week, so I've been getting myself involved in physical activities to get back to my healthier lifestyle. I've gone kayaking, walking, and last night I went to the gym. I can't keep asking him to be active with me; we have our lives together, yeah, but I also have a lot of things I do on my own that I won't give up for him. He needs to find the motivation to better himself because he wants to, not just because I asked or talked about it. When he exercises with me, I can't push myself, because I can do more than he can.

 

Then walk the mall (without stopping at the food court), or join a gym. There surely is a pool somewhere to exercise in. Heat is not an excuse.

Honestly, if you want to push yourself exercising, then do it. If he can't jog, you jog around the block twice and lap him while he walks.

If he is not motivated by the fact that you are unhappy and miss intimacy, he may not be motivated to do anything unless he loses you, unfortunately.

Maybe it will take time, after he sees some results, for him to be motivated to do it on his own. that could be. But i can see how that is frustrating.

Is there a class at the gym his doc recommends? I know there is stretching for pregnant ladies, a class for people who had been in injury rehab, etc, there must be one that is for people who are in his situation or something physical therapist approved that he can do without you

[maew]

In the meantime, I got the clearance to return to full duty on my ankle last week, so I've been getting myself involved in physical activities to get back to my healthier lifestyle. I've gone kayaking, walking, and last night I went to the gym. I can't keep asking him to be active with me; we have our lives together, yeah, but I also have a lot of things I do on my own that I won't give up for him. He needs to find the motivation to better himself because he wants to, not just because I asked or talked about it. When he exercises with me, I can't push myself, because I can do more than he can.

 

That part in bold! Keep being active and doing what you love... don't bend to his unhealthy habits... if he really wants to be with you, and wants to participate in life with you, he will eventually pick up the ball without you nagging or dragging him along. I have found this with all of my relationships... friendships, romantic partnerships... if I stay focused on my own health goals it seems to have a positive impact on those around me without me having to do or say anything except be myself.

[Batya33]

I agree with the above. I live in a hot /humid climate and we just returned from 5-6 day beach road trip with our child in an even hotter climate. I had a treadmill available for two of the days which I used. But not for the other 4. I skipped zero days of those 4 by doing a little prep -we were at a campground so I researched the available trails (my power walk is 2.3-2.5 miles/day takes about 30-32 minutes) - and looked around to see what would be safest for me. Then I made sure to be outside by 7am to avoid the heat of the day. You make it work if you're motivated. For me my daily power walk is essential like brushing my teeth for several reasons even though I am thin.

[WithLove]

Last night we got a treadmill and moved it into our workout room. Today I said that no matter what I have going on, I would like to make sure I spend a little bit of time each day on the treadmill at least (we are picking up a weight bench set this weekend also). I asked him what goals he would like to set for himself, and he said he would like to watch a half-hour show on Netflix on his phone while he hits the treadmill every day, but if he has the time he will do 45 minutes to an hour instead. Once we get the weight bench, he will start lifting.

 

I have a gym membership, and I am going to keep it because I go with some of my sport team, but now he has what he needs to be active daily without excuses.

[WithLove]

When I got home from work yesterday, BF was in the last minute of his 30 minute treadmill walk.

[Batya33]

When I got home from work yesterday, BF was in the last minute of his 30 minute treadmill walk.

 

Progress! Good news.

[WithLove]

He has used the treadmill every day since we got it. Today I leaned down to give him a hug on the couch and he pulled me over his lap to straddle him to kiss me. I don't think he's ever done that in the over 2 years we've been together, so that kind of gave me some good feelings!

[Seraphim]

That is great!

He has used the treadmill every day since we got it. Today I leaned down to give him a hug on the couch and he pulled me over his lap to straddle him to kiss me. I don't think he's ever done that in the over 2 years we've been together, so that kind of gave me some good feelings!

[reinventmyself]

He has used the treadmill every day since we got it. Today I leaned down to give him a hug on the couch and he pulled me over his lap to straddle him to kiss me. I don't think he's ever done that in the over 2 years we've been together, so that kind of gave me some good feelings!

That's progress!! Rotting for both of you ;)

[reinventmyself]

That's progress!! Rotting for both of you ;)

Rooting, not rotting. Phone version wouldn't let me edit today :/

[Batya33]

Rooting or rotting, rotating or straddling this is all very good to hear!!!

[WithLove]

He has been cutting down on his portion size since the weekend. He has used the treadmill every day except Sunday (we had plans all day). And Sunday night we were intimate even involving intercourse. It wasn't long, as his body couldn't cooperate much... but the desire was there and the effort was made, and I really appreciated that.

 

A friend of mine had a weight bench that she was selling on social media, but when she heard I was looking for exercise equipment, offered it to me for free. We picked up half of it yesterday and we'll get the rest tomorrow. He's really excited to use it. It has one of those supported bars that goes across with weights that go up to 150 lbs. He's really looking forward to rearranging our exercise room to accommodate all of the new equipment.

 

I've been staying active although not really being as healthy in my food choices, so this week I'm motivated to get serious about it again. Someone on here recommended eating pickles when I have sugar cravings, and I'm munching on some snack-sized ones right now. It's definitely not what I want, but at least the vinegar-y taste gives my taste buds something to think about.

 

I'll post more updates soon. Thank you all for following along and giving such helpful advice, and coaxing us along in this issue.

[WithLove]

I started a new class in college a few weeks ago and bf has been using the time spent at home alone walking. We still haven't set up our work out room with the lifting equipment we got, but to be fair, we haven't really had the time. But I'm hoping we can find the time this week to do so.

 

I haven't really noticed that he has lost weight, and I haven't either, although we're both becoming more active and doing healthier eating since starting this thread. I will say that intimacy has been initiated a couple times, so that's positive, although intercourse still hasn't changed. Maybe it'll get better once some weight comes off.

 

Bf has said out loud that he doesn't see any weight changes, either, and he's discouraged, but he still continues to use the treadmill. He wants to get a better one that has a wider belt so that he can increase the speed - he says that ours is too narrow, so he can't go faster than he'd like because his stance changes and he accidently steps on the non-moving portion of the sides when he tries to increase the speed. I agree that I'd like to get a better one, but at least it's being used.

[saluk]

There is more to being healthy than just weight. See if he can focus on the progress that's being made that can't be tracked on gut size.

[abitbroken]

There is more to being healthy than just weight. See if he can focus on the progress that's being made that can't be tracked on gut size.

 

Actually, i go by inches. Because you can initially gain weight if you have not been drinking enough water and now are, and your body is retaining it, or you could end up only dropping 10 lbs but your body "reconfigured" and now you are more muscular with more of a waist. I measure my waist, hips, etc. and don't measure daily because you will drive yourself nuts - but however you want to - weekly, etc. I do about every two weeks.

[saluk]

Actually, i go by inches. Because you can initially gain weight if you have not been drinking enough water and now are, and your body is retaining it, or you could end up only dropping 10 lbs but your body "reconfigured" and now you are more muscular with more of a waist. I measure my waist, hips, etc. and don't measure daily because you will drive yourself nuts - but however you want to - weekly, etc. I do about every two weeks.

 

That's all fine... but even without measurable changes in your physical weight, size, shape etc; eating better and exercising more is still making you healthier. It's good for your heart, your brain, your energy levels, keeping away aches and pains, etc. That's not to take away from also trying to lose weight, but these are the more important reasons to live healthy.

[abitbroken]

That's all fine... but even without measurable changes in your physical weight, size, shape etc; eating better and exercising more is still making you healthier. It's good for your heart, your brain, your energy levels, keeping away aches and pains, etc. That's not to take away from also trying to lose weight, but these are the more important reasons to live healthy.

 

When you are morbidly obese like the OP's boyfriend, there is no way one is healthy at that weight. If someone is one of those rare beings that is extremely healthy being morbidly obese, its only a matter of time that pre-diabetes or diabetes, heart issues, joint issues, rear their head. Sometimes its discouraging that the scale doesn't move much despite eating healthy and exercises, so inches often tell the real story. there are other changes in "getting healthier " that aren't really measureable - a couple inches off are far more easily measured vs , say, your cholestoral, because all though its important, you cannot measure it yourself every week and really they say that's too often. I only lost 5-8 lbs, (i am sure i actually lost more mass, but also gained water weight) but my clothing fit a lot better because my body "redistributed itself. " I did not drop a pant size, but my pants fit better, people said i looked healthier, etc,) People are motivated by things they can benchmark.

 

For me, i have a smaller frame so a 5-10 lbs difference in weight loss looks comparable to someone who has a medium frame and dropped 20 lbs. Its noticeable.

 

I know all those changes are important, but the aches and pains don't go away for someone who is obese unless they do lose at least a little. So its all hand in hand - losing weight is not mutually exclusive of "getting healthier" and feeling good.

[itsallgrand]

He has used the treadmill every day since we got it. Today I leaned down to give him a hug on the couch and he pulled me over his lap to straddle him to kiss me. I don't think he's ever done that in the over 2 years we've been together, so that kind of gave me some good feelings!

 

Woohoo!!

 

Exercise is sooo good for the confidence and libido!

[WithLove]

I joined Weight Watchers on Thursday. I've kept on it pretty strictly since I joined. I'm really crabby and easily annoyed due to the reduced sugar and carb intake, but I'm hoping that will adjust soon. Bf also joined, because what I noticed is that it's a great way to decrease portion sizes. Things that are zero points will eventually cost points when you eat too much of them, so you have to limit your portions, and that's his biggest issue. He's only been on it a day, so I'm not sure how he's feeling yet, but I know the decreased carbs will hit him hard.

 

I'll report back in a few days.

[Batya33]

I joined Weight Watchers on Thursday. I've kept on it pretty strictly since I joined. I'm really crabby and easily annoyed due to the reduced sugar and carb intake, but I'm hoping that will adjust soon. Bf also joined, because what I noticed is that it's a great way to decrease portion sizes. Things that are zero points will eventually cost points when you eat too much of them, so you have to limit your portions, and that's his biggest issue. He's only been on it a day, so I'm not sure how he's feeling yet, but I know the decreased carbs will hit him hard.

 

I'll report back in a few days.

 

I've heard wonderful things about WW over the years. Good luck!